It's taken every patient bone in my body of which I have very few, to keep from calling the oncologist about the results of the July 12th scan. Every day I reminded myself there are no real symptoms getting in the way of living so be patient. Is my quality of life suffering? No, I don't think so. Well just a minute. What about those days where, out of nowhere I felt so weak I had to lay on the couch for an hour or two? Oh, well yes I suppose. What about the day on returning home from an hour at the pool I stopped at Shoppers to take my blood pressure? Well maybe, since taking it 3 times resulted in an average of 95/55. Not dramatically low for me but one reading was 87/55. Only one, so go with the average. Friday that week I decided to check in with my family doctor to see if I should make an appointment to get my blood checked. Doctor not in but they did have results of the cat scan. They did??? Since my family doc didn't order the test, I couldn't expect a random family doc at the practice to call with the results. On a Friday of a weekend planned for fun with the grandkids? I don't think so.
We got through a day at the Lansdowne Fair, trudging along behind two little girls (6 & 7) wanting to try every ride in sight despite one being a little too short for some. Since all four of our local grandkids have birthdays in July and August, we gave them weekend midway passes and spending money for the fair as their gifts. Mike ended up being an 'associate' for Ella on one ride call Alien Abduction. When he exited, he came and asked me to feel the back of his shirt. Drenched with sweat from the efforts he'd made while on his way to space, not to give up what little lunch he had earlier. Too funny! For a small town, rural Ontario Fair, it was delightful, reminding us all of the once a year carnivals making stops in our own hometowns. Certainly special and memorable.
On Monday, July 24th I picked up the phone, dialled quickly so as not be able to hang up but still ending up leaving a voice mail inquiring about the results of the scan, now that I knew they were available. While I didn't quite sit at my desk tapping my toes waiting, every effort was made to distract myself from pouncing when the phone rang. First call back was from the secretary to confirm receipt of my call with assurance the oncologist would be in contact. No call Monday. Went to the pool Tuesday and surely overdid the stretches but no call. Did I think working harder at exercising would make the phone ring? Never heard of such a correlation. Finally late Wednesday afternoon, the call came. What started as a cheerful chat, left me upside down and inside out. The results are good. There is no spread elsewhere, as in to other organs. There is slight progression of disease in the upper part of the liver; not what I was hoping to hear but, deep down, not surprised. Ok, now what? I offered I would consider another round of chemo given the ability to tolerate it twice before. Well, not sure if it would improve quality of life. Oh. Well, I need guidance to sort of decide when I might consider starting. Don't know although would think likely about now. Oh. Don't know with these things. Could take off at any point. Oh. What now? Exactly what I thought would happen. The scan will be taken to conference tomorrow morning, yes, August 1st, discussed among the team and I have an appointment at 3:30 to further review the results and discuss possible next steps.
In the meantime the mass on the right side of my abdomen has continued to shift and change along with the introduction of a new pain in that area, as well as in the upper part of my back. Hard to describe but definitely different from anything I've experienced so far. In the last few nights I can only sleep on my right side due to abdominal pain when even attempting to turn over. So you see, the roller coaster continues on through the night. Pain wakes you up, once awake you start to ruminate about the pain and what's possibly causing it. My go-to antidote though, continues to work, which is to start reciting the Rosary for the benefit of the granddaughter of our neighbour who has just finished her second bout of cancer at the age of 8!
When I get really down, I deal with it using a very simple scenario. I imagine Jesus standing in front of me and giving me a choice. The end result is someone has to die. The choice is whether I am willing to give my life so an 8 year old girl can live out a full life as a cancer survivor. All I can say is, I hope and pray to God I would have the courage to make the obvious choice.
This morning, after a short meeting with myself, the day carried on without embarking on yet another roller coaster ride. It goes something like this, which you may have heard before. I believe we all have a certain number of days on this earth, and once they're up, there's no choice but to get our ticket and get on the train. Free will only affects the quality of the journey we experience in getting to the station. For me, it helps block the guilt of everything and anything I did or didn't do and how I could have influenced (or do I really mean control?) the outcome.
We may well be at the crossroads of prayer and medicine where we know and accept science can only take us so far. After that, in my case at least, I invest heavily in prayers and trusting in faith. It's times like these when faced with uncertainty, it seems everyone I see at church is asking how I'm doing, telling me how great I look and their continued stream of personal prayers. It's hard to put on a bright face but on reflection, it wouldn't have been hard to express my trust and faith in Jesus. After all, can you imagine what we'll feel like, after all our fretting and carrying on, we look back and wonder what it was all about? Of course it's the human side of us dithering around so we don't need to be too hard on ourselves.
These past couple of weeks, didn't I also decide to take steps to shop around for Funeral Services and have three visits with two funeral homes. Earlier this year Mike and I thought we had sorted out the Cemetery side of things. Now we're not so sure. For example, we had no idea there is a cremation service available right here in Kingston which is water based vs. flame based. Interesting huh? I won't go into a lot of detail but it certainly helps with the efficiency of the steps taken when preparing for our train ride which will hopefully be to heaven. We have more to explore and talk about but would like to have the arrangements booked early for our 'trip of a lifetime'!
Oh, and I haven't mentioned that we also attended our lawyer's office to update my will. While we're at it, might as well have a relatively clear understanding of our final intentions. Mike and Matt and I sat down today to discuss some of these things and it was reassuring to be able to get their perspective on my plans and ideas. It was a little humorous when Mike was trying to explain something to me, which I clearly didn't get, only to have Matt nod in agreement with Mike and offer his own attempt at helping me understand. Yes, eventually I got it! I would strongly encourage anyone and everyone to sit down with their immediate family to share their own plans and invite discussion to avoid future misinterpretation.
It's with bittersweet feelings I share this was Fr. Leo's last weekend as Pastor of our Church, St. Paul the Apostle. He has been the one to keep God at the centre of the circle of our lives for the past 27 years. He has seen us through baptisms, first communion, confirmations, graduations, weddings and sadly, funerals too. We are ever so grateful for all he has brought to our lives, the values he has imparted to us, especially one which is ever so close to my heart. We are to meet people where they are at, not where we might be. It may take some pondering but I think you'll know what it means.
In closing I'd like to share a little poem sent to me by a Pool Buddy at the Y. When I go to the west end I see him and his wife and, over time, have developed a friendship. Recently he sent me an email to say:
no need to impress god
he's already knocked out about you
you don't have to convert
just be alert
let go-for dear life itself
pointing here or there-people will follow
you'll find you are the leader
by following the creator
no need to pray with tricky words
no need to dress the altar
no need to wake up early-or go to bed late
no need to wait for heaven
the place you need to be
is in the wake of jesus
as happy as can be
johnnie
On that note, I wish you a good night with hopes to provide a little clarity on my adventures in prayer and medicine next time.
Take care and God Bless,
Hugs
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
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