Life, as it Happens

I thought I was going to be able to start this post with a genuine, reasonable explanation for the emotional dip I experienced at the end of July.  Aha, I heard it was a blue moon and I have long believed that the full moon was responsible for radical changes in behaviour.

After all we are 80% water and the moon moves the tides and it only made sense.  Alas, when I looked it up this morning, it turns out, while there is a widespread belief in this phenomenon, there is no scientific evidence to support this theory.  Maybe that means we can't always look externally for explanations of mood swings, feelings of depression or self pity.  It certainly means we can't look to others to target for the way we are feeling about our situation, our life or anything else for that matter.  And that stands for good and bad.

When we get into these funks, where does our self image fit?  As we grapple with all the events of our lives and the people who are so intricately weaved into them, are we simply losing sight of the bigger picture?  Are we so caught up in our thoughts and feelings that we can't stand apart from them?  You know, I can logically meet with myself and understand how much valuable time I'm wasting on dwelling on things that are of no consequence in the big picture of life.  It's like getting caught up trying to undo a knot of thread in a tapestry that is so large you can't see the end of it.

There's so much more to see and enjoy and yet here we are, almost working our fingers to the bone trying to undo one tiny knot.  The harder we try, the more frazzled we get and the job seems to just keep getting larger and more complicated.  In order to be fair to ourselves though, there are times when it seems like there is blacksmith's anvil sitting squarely in the middle of our chest and there is no budging it until it's ready to be removed, no matter how long and in depth we talk to ourselves.

Since my last message, I had an appointment with my oncologist who is a scream.  We're waiting in the waiting room when she dashes out, dressed to the nines, although quiet shoes this time, (no clickety clack down the hall), purple hair and outstretched arms.  She declares that we are not to allow the staff to do anything with my file until she returns from the OR to which she just got paged.  Well of course, she is no sooner out of sight than I hear my name being called.  In trying to explain the orders, the nurse is prepared to put my file back and deal with others when the oncologist pops up again like a jack in the box to say, 'No, no, no, I will be right back. '

Put her in a comfortable room, we're fine with the timing'.  Off we go, weighing in to learn that Maggie has gained more weight although unchanged from my last visit with my family doc.

My biggest question at this visit was whether 'chemo brain' which has been discovered to be a real side effect, lasted during the duration of chemotherapy treatment or if it persisted beyond that time frame.  Well, my friend, the older you are when you have chemo, the less chance you have of overcoming chemo brain.  The younger you are, the better the chances to outgrow the fog.  She then proceeded to outline how, adding on menopause is another layer of mental fatigue.  Then on top of that, add sleep apnea and you're pretty much euchred to think you might resume your former razor sharp mental prowess!  Okay then, I won't go looking for those lost words or try to hide the blank stares when asked a question or even try to prevent the deer in the headlights looks when someone is repeating themselves for the second or third time.

This level of mental fatigue is further aggravated when, as one of my closest friends and I have learned to laugh about, she starts a conversation by asking if she'd told me something.  One day I just blurted out "Stop making me work so hard to try to remember if you told me something or not!  Just tell me again!"  We giggled for days over that one, especially when she realized how often the line was used.

I've attended two funerals in the past week, almost at opposite ends of the spectrum.  The first for a gentleman I've known since the late 1990's who quietly slipped away just about a month after his 91st birthday.  Meeting his three 'children' for the first time I learned that in his final days there really wasn't one single cause of death, seems almost more like old age creeping in and quietly shutting the body down and dimming the lamp of life until the final flicker simply faded away.  A life well lived, a character who will remembered for quirks that each person thought they were the only witness to, until they were addressed in the eulogy leaving everyone in the room chuckling.

The second funeral was for the son of a very dear friend of mine passing away two months shy of his 40th birthday.  Sadly it was this time last year that, due to fairly extreme health issues, decisions had to be made regarding preservation of life.  Ongoing quality of life issues dogged this poor individual for several years, perhaps five or six, until the most recent simply overpowered any remaining resilience to recover.  Severe infection set in and, had he lived, even more suffering in store for someone least deserving of such challenges.  While we know that individuals in such situations truly are in a 'better place', 'no longer suffering', 'finally at peace', it is still so difficult to let go and be at peace with God's plan.  I dared to email my friend a day or so after her son's death to let her know of this overwhelming feeling of joy I felt for both of them.

As I'm writing this, I can still feel my heart almost overflowing with joy (and that blacksmith's anvil sitting in my chest be damned!!!).  What has come to me is a resolution that death, when it comes, will take us to a place so filled with joy that even the people we can't imagine living without will be accepted as being in another time and place.  It's like having a feeling that 'if I can feel so much love for someone, what must heaven be like to be able to detach even from them?'

There were many individuals at Tim's funeral with whom both Martha and I worked with at the bank in years gone by.  Several I have not seen since those days and certainly not since starting my Adventures in Prayer and Medicine.  When chatting outside after the mass, I was asked a number of times about how I was feeling and how things were going.  I provided a very brief update, the latest outbreak was identified in my liver during cat scans for back surgery to repair a burst vertebrae.  I am on a synthetic form of progesterone to stop the cancer cells from growing in my liver as they feed on estrogen.  There is no cure at this point, we are into managing and that other than the significant weight gain, I generally feel well, with little in the way of active treatment other than two pills a day.  In fact, since all this started, there are a number of people who have wished me well only to have since passed away themselves.  After the initial period of obsession with the diagnosis, life is much better when simply putting it in its place and getting on with living life within this new reality.  Amen!

Another facet or dimension of our hearts is to examine what has long been described as a longing in our lives that no one can fill.   For those who are blessed with any level of faith will likely understand that the longing can only be filled by God.  We are born with this space that some spend their entire lifetime trying to fill with so many earthly or material objects or behaviours that of course are never successful.

In the past couple of years during some of the slides down rabbit holes, I've wondered myself how to fill that void only to realize that if I have an expectation that it can be filled by my husband Mike, my son Matt, my family or grandchildren, friends or any other living person, I am doing them a great injustice.  Believing that would create unachievable expectations that would lead only to frustration and disappointment.  That realization has helped me to better appreciate the roles that others have in my life and, in keeping with the start of this post, I can't be looking externally for all the answers.

We are told to love God with all our heart, all our mind and all our spirit and I've long wondered how, if I'm to allow Him to fill that void, just how is that done thank you very much!?  In my efforts to read portions of the Bible daily, I think I'm starting to catch on to a couple of things and maybe have an idea or two that is helping me become more clear on what we're really being asked and taught to do.  We've all likely heard the quote 'sell all your possessions and follow me' only to think 'Oh sure and how am I supposed to do that within the material trappings of this world?

Yet, I've also learned that when the disciples went out far and wide to preach God's word, they were not on some divine payroll being supported in their vocation.  No, they were expected to fend for themselves and pay for their own expenses along the way.  Ok, so it's not all or nothing which helps me appreciate how in today's materialistic society we may be able to reconcile having to earn a living with furthering our faith.  Another activity that can be helpful is when I catch myself sliding down into the proverbial 'poor me' zone, that I turn my attention to what God might want me doing or simply to put it over to Him and ask Him to help me change my focus from all that is upsetting and bothering me, to asking for a sign to know that He's really right there, just waiting for me to invite Him in to get me back to even ground.

Mike is just starting his vacation until after Labour Day and it will be interesting to experience a change in routine, being able to come and go as we please with no real sense of obligation to do anything.  His daughter Nathalie is leaving for Denmark on Thursday (until Christmas) on an exchange for her first semester of 4th year at Wilfred Laurier University.  The boys (Matt and Gabe) are on their own even though Gabe still lives at home.  Any travels will be done on Mike's bike, his beloved Harley Davidson, likely some day trips and a couple of longer sojourns to exotic places like North Bay to see my brother or Goderich to visit friends.

I hope you are having a good summer and enjoying the rich, hot days that have descended upon us.  May we all absorb some of the heat and sunshine deep into our bones so we can recall these days in the coming months.
Take care, enjoy, and God Bless,
Hugs,
Liz

dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."

Head, Heart, Happy, Sad ...... Up, Down and All Around

How many times in our lives have we declared the phrase "No news is good news"?  Do we really believe it or is there that tiny niggling feeling that a positive validation of whatever we've been worrying about would help us along the path of faith?

 After all it's believing without seeing that is the cornerstone of faith.  What I'm leading up to with this is that last Friday, July 24th I had bloodwork done after a routine doctor's visit.  We checked my records and already a year has rolled by since we last poked and prodded to check out the status of my physical well being much like a car being checked for proper oil levels, pressures and lubricants.  Well, we are one week further into this fabulous hot summer and no phone call related to the results has been received.  That deserves a happy dance especially since it includes monitoring sugar levels and liver function - likely the most important considerations.

Weight is up yet again and the dragon of vanity continues to breathe down my neck making some days especially hot.  It's a vicious circle of trying to control appetite while being as active as possible only to succumb to periods of aches and pains combined with deep seated fatigue.  Yes, at this point, these are the worst of my physical challenges as you've heard seemingly over and over and by now you'd think I would be 'over it' and settled into a nice new routine.  Do you suppose a deep seated streak of stubbornness is influencing my behaviour?  I've long lived with the attitude "Don't tell me I can't!" Only now I really can't do whatever I want, be as active as I want and single handedly accomplish all that I want.  I guess I need to have a few more meetings with myself to discuss how to better want what I have rather than have what I want, a theme raised in my last post.

It's like being distracted by concerns that are almost deliberately being thrown in your path just when things were starting to improve.  The last couple of weeks have been difficult emotionally with the slightest matters lighting up like the fires out west.

You think you have turned a corner and put out the flames only to look back and have a spark flare up in exactly the same place you've just doused with a couple of doses of common sense and maturity.  There is a fairly strong position taken by strong Christians who say that as we progress and move to higher levels of understanding and increased faith, the enemy is there ready to do whatever it takes to fan the flames of unrest and self doubt.  I personally have been feeling that if I can have peace in my heart I can deal with the physical issues that come my way.  Of late, I'm thinking I might need to go a step further and figuratively put on the 'Armour of God' to protect myself.  I'd never heard of this before I started more actively pursuing my faith development.

It's outlined in Ephesians 6:10-17:

"...be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his power.  ...Stand therefore, and fasten the belt of truth around your waist, and put on the breastplate of righteousness.  As shoes for  your feet put on whatever will make you ready to proclaim the gospel of peace.  With all these, take the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the flaying arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."  

I'm not trying in any way to push ideas or beliefs out to you but rather exploring ideas that are becoming of increasing importance in my own life.  As someone pointed out to me, this is my space to say what I'd like, speak my mind and put thoughts and ideas out there for consideration.  As we all know, when life is ticking along like a well oiled timepiece, we seldom have need to seek reassurance  or help from outside of ourselves.  When life is turned upside down, well suddenly that seems to be the time that we invite divine intervention with all sorts of promises and commitments made in the hope of restoration of what we know as normal.

  As is the case with many people, a new normal needs discovery due to permanent changes in our lives like the loss of a loved one.  For those whose lives do return to a familiar place, often those promises made in the chaos of stress are forgotten as the routine of daily life creeps back in with so much taken for granted.

One thing I am trying to do is not take things for granted but rather absorb the sights and sounds of everyday living and allow myself to marvel at the miracles of nature and this world around me.  The Circle of Life over these past couple of weeks have provided ample opportunity to observe wondrous events.  In our own 'immediate extended family', we've celebrated birth, birthdays, a graveside service in the glorious sunshine, visits from family, lunch with old friends (as in long time), prayers of concern turned into prayers of gratitude (no cancer diagnosis), grandkids for overnight visits and more.

Maybe I need to get a fill up at the station of gratitude and take a long drive to really allow all the good things in my life to sink in while of course wearing my air conditioned suit of armour. After all I'm determined to stay on the positive side of life and do whatever it takes to fend off the allure of self pity and discouragement.  'Poor Me' has no place in my world but Lord knows it's been picking away at me like a scab that can't be ignored.  I've even wondered who (or what) has invaded my body in the last couple of weeks relentlessly in pursuit of inner turmoil. My deepest sympathy to those who are closest to me (yes that means mainly you Mike).  Do you ever have that feeling that if you could just jump around and shake it off, things would get better more quickly?  Unfortunately it seems that once you're in the grips of that desolation, no amount of self talk, encouragement or endless meetings with self can budge that sense of discomfort.  It's like we need to ride it out, allow ourselves to feel the depths of those dismal emotions, holding on with all our might to the belief that with faith and courage we will feel better soon and not be relegated to this place forever.  Put another way, it's like our head knows exactly what's going on and can be totally rational while our hearts are in the grips of a rusty wrench that can't be budged.

 In fact, I recall one such experience when I dared to fully allow the desperation to wash over me without knowing what was causing it and simply to experience the sheer agony of a dark ride down yet another rabbit hole.  What I can continue to reflect on from that one incident is that, as time went on, the depth and darkness came less often and with less frequency.  It's like we have to go through those frightening places only to come out better, more confident and secure in our knowledge of ourselves and those who care for us.

I'm not too sure where this post is coming from but have prayed like I do, every time I sit down to write, inviting the Holy Spirit to use my hands to get His message through to those who may have an interest in what He may have to communicate.

 I'm not sure if I shared this with you in the past but during the last faith development course I took, we learned that the Holy Spirit is within all of us and by learning to know and love the Holy Spirit, we become transformed and we can, in the words of the traditional prayer to the Holy Spirit, help "renew the face of the earth." (Symbolon - The Catholic Faith Explained, Augustine Institute).

My hope is that you haven't been dragged down too far into the depths of despair but rather can identify in some small way with the feelings that I'm sure we all have from time to time.  It's in our efforts to suppress and repress our feelings of desolation that contribute to the increasing steam in the pressure cooker of life.  Isn't it ironic to consider a pressure cooker given the horrific uses they have taken on in the past couple of years in the death and maiming of innocent people?

 This post has been somewhat of a daring adventure in sharing feelings other than what can sometimes be my Pollyanna attitude of positivity.  If you have been following and been able to read to the end of this message, please accept my sincere thanks and gratitude for your support in allowing me to say it like it is for me at this particular point in time.

In a couple of weeks I'm hopeful that there will be a bouncing message of happiness, joy and sheer gratitude for my continued survival in this world we call home.  Take care, God Bless and talk to you soon.

Hugs
Liz

dobbsjones@gmail.com

"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".