April Showers? Not in my Neighbourhood

How can one wake up and get out of bed on a day like today, April 15th and feel anything other than a sense of internal joy that grows with the sight of every flower and plant pushing up through the still cold and damp soil?  The recent remnants of the storms hammering the U.S. midwest only served as a  gentle sweeping and rinsing by Mother Nature to help with our spring cleaning.

What I didn't mention in my last post was the trip we took to North Bay at the end of March to celebrate my brother Andrew's 60th birthday.  We couldn't resist getting a hand held shopping cart boasting a sign of being 60 and filling it with the necessary paraphernalia that will likely be needed soon if not already.  And no, I don't want to get into a discussion about what he may or may not need.  As the kids say "TMI" (too much information).

 The funniest part was that I had ordered a few things from Amazon, and, leaving it almost to the eve of his birthday,  they didn't arrive in time to be tossed into the basket!  So here I was yesterday, putting a parcel on the bus with the balance of his gifts, ironically on the 'Express Bus' to arrive likely today.  It's not that I haven't known he was going to turn 60 on March 28th!  What is with that!?!?  Apparently there is a segment of the population that operates on the basis of "Deadline? I guess I better get started!!".  That would include me and as a result I've gained an insight once more into my own behaviour.  I've long said that I get my best ideas at the 11th hour - now I know why - clearly my brain isn't seriously functioning relative to priorities until that point.

 All in all we had a great and relaxing weekend and the gifts wrapped in newspaper and tied with twine (something like they used to wrap meat at the butcher shop when we were growing up, only in brown paper).

Yesterday was a follow up appointment with my oncologists and I happened to get one who I feel is somewhat more reserved than others.  What we discussed and what I learned is this:

I've gained more weight in the past couple of months and while I feel relatively well, weight aside, there really isn't too much that's within my control to be able to lose any significant amount.  As I had previously suspected, every day I am ingesting 320 mg of a drug that stimulates the appetite, or as I put before, it's like someone took my 'off button' and hid it somewhere.

 It is not recommended to drastically reduce my appetite even though the drug has also drastically reduced my metabolism.  These days, rather than being slim and high strung looking for ways to run off energy, I'm simply blossoming and enjoying daily readings, doing sudoku and whatever other activities attract my attention.

My proactive inquiry into the CPAP and sleep apnea has resulted in a very positive outcome, primarily not choking when trying to sleep!!!  After using one of their machines for a few nights to track how much air pressure was required to keep my airways open, the decision was made to increase the pressure from 5 to 11.5.  It's made a huge difference in getting a restful sleep. And the best part is that there is a little button on the CPAP machine with a big impact.  It starts the air at a slow rate and then builds up to the maximum over a period of 15 minutes.

 That meant I didn't have to put the thing on and feel like I was going headfirst into a windstorm that causes one to lose their breath!

The doctor also advised that the combination of weight gain, sleep apnea and medication definitely leads to some of the chronic levels of fatigue I have been experiencing.  As a result of some recent upper back pain, a decision has been made to send me for a bone scan to see if anything is lurking there needing attention.  Hopefully I will have the results by my next post although my gut tells me it's not related to my cancer adventure.

A niggling question was posed about how decisions are made about cat scans.  What the doc explained was that at this point in my illness, they are doing what they can to provide quality of life and that every intervention has its own set of sometimes quirky side effects.  Thus, if I am feeling relatively well, let's not disturb what's working.  Given that they are no longer managing my care for a cure, we don't want to get into situations that could in effect make things worse.  In other words, leave well enough alone and if it ain't broke that we know of, don't tinker with it.

 That's not to say that if something shows up, usually by patient symptoms, they won't deal with it,  just take each day and live it to the fullest feeling the best you can.

The first part of April of course included Holy Week and I decided to attend more activities than I had in the past in an effort to learn more about the rituals and traditions that Christians and Roman Catholics practice.  There was the Mass of the Chrism where there is a blessing of all the Holy Oils to be used by individual parishes across the Archdiocese when administering various sacraments like Baptism and Healing. Holy Thursday included a mass and exposition of the Blessed Sacrament and Good Friday of course included Stations of the Cross, in our case, dramatized by local youth, followed by the Passion of our Lord in the afternoon.

 What I found as an interesting observation was the groupings of people who attended the various events.  Individuals often take the position that they don't need a 'church' to communicate with God and that they can take care of their conversations directly thank you very much.  That may be true, but I can tell you that the overwhelming sense of community together with shared beliefs and values provides a level of warmth and comfort that is rarely found elsewhere.  You will tend to see the same people at each of the events and somehow develop a bond with them without necessarily speaking a single word.

After all, you find others who are also making the effort to focus on something greater than themselves and there is great comfort to be found in that experience.  Of course, the whole week is crowned with the Resurrection of Jesus, which is the basis for our entire faith.  I can tell you for those of us whose expiry date may be closer than others, it is a most hopeful concept to hold close to my heart.  As it turned out, one of our long time dear friends, Sister Monica Gannon of the Sisters of Providence passed away during Holy Week, her vigil and funeral being the days following Easter.  While she was 92 and passed quickly, it's always a loss for those left behind and especially her dear friend and housemates, Sister Patricia Ann and Sister Yvette.  The evening vigil before the funeral included the Liturgy of the Word (which is basically a mass but without communion), which was followed by family and friends sharing remembrances of Sr. Monica's life.  Lively, funny and heart warming were the stories told, everything from as a young nun, hoisting up the habit and riding around a field on a bicycle, to a vacation that included a daily trek to enjoy a chocolate bar and a pint of beer with another nun!

I must tell you that prior to Easter, as Lent was coming to a close, I realized that the efforts to focus on doing something good for someone else each day is a most rewarding experience.

One would almost wonder how it could qualify for Lenten activities given how good you can feel as a result of thinking up things and taking action for others.  One fun thing was sending to my step daughter Nathalie a card including a newspaper article or just some ramblings every day for a couple of weeks.  We had good laughs about it given how much she and her roommates love to receive 'snail mail.'  Something else I heard about on a Lenten video was how we can all incorporate some form of prayer into our daily lives.  For instance, if studying, one could simply write the initials of someone they want to pray for in the corner of their notebook and give up the next hour for that person.  In the case of someone who may be going through a difficult time, they may wish to give up an hour of their suffering for someone they feel is in need. Isn't that a great way to take off the mantle of 'poor me' and reframe our lives into a more positive light?

Our only hiccup with Easter was our turkey took up arms and decided to fight us all the way to the dinner table!  Most everything had been prepared ahead of time allowing for a smooth warming, reheating and civilized serving of a holiday meal.  But oh no, the gobbler was having no part of that and decided it was not going to be baked until it was good and ready.

While everyone was patient, you can just visualize 4 kids under 7 getting more and more hungry, filled with chocolate delights and tiring from several trips to various parts of the house, all including stairs thereby wearing them out.  By the time we ate, they were just a little wired although good appetites were enjoyed by all.  While it might be an effort to have everyone get together, it's that effort that results in the gift of relationship with extended family and friends.  It's so easy to just 'do your own thing' and then wonder why you didn't get to experience the deep nurturing that comes from spending time together.  I'd say it's very similar to the experience of attending some kind of faith service.  So little effort really and so much to be gained.  Mike was my hero in organizing the after meal cleanup with the help of Nathalie and others and I was able to sit and enjoy the company of the little kids, the big kids, the folks from church and the neighbour we called over at the last minute.

After all the holiday enjoyment, of course we had to think about getting back into our normal routine which didn't include such copious amounts of food and drink.  It's so easy to cast a blind eye to the vigilance of proper self care and then wonder why you can't see what's right in front of you - a little self discipline.  It was almost as if I could feel the weight coming on so now, just like returning home from a self indulgent vacation, it's time to pay attention to the things that make us truly feel our best.  Yes, that means, less snacking, more activity and proper rest.

I'll be off to the pool shortly, once I've finished the draft of this post, and enjoy the zen like quality of the experience.  In an effort to continue my progress, I have incorporated the exercises suggested by the physiotherapist as part of my pool activity.  The goal of course is to stay as mobile and flexible as possible and maintain as high quality of life as possible.  Something must be going right with this combination, as I was even able to tackle about 10 minutes in the garden the other day.  In addition, as I wake each day and quietly ponder how I might spend my time, the feeling of space inside of me is growing rather than feeling like there is a wire spring tightly wound just waiting to spiral out of control if one more thing comes up.  There truly is a growing sense of serenity and peace associated with letting go of self imposed activity.

 Have I been afraid to be or be with myself all these years?  Has it been a habit that grows out of some form of irrational fear of failure which of course, inevitably, becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.  It's only been in these last few months that I'm starting to feel ok with just being.  Just being open, just being comfortable, just enjoying the solitude without guilt, just being at peace, just allowing life to happen, just allowing others to be themselves, just accepting life as it is.  No one after all, is doing anything deliberate to make life difficult for me, it seems I've been able to do that very well all on my own for a very long time.  Being released from that daily turmoil is nourishment for the soul.  No wonder people take sabbaticals and go on retreats.  It must be an effective way of maintaining sanity in what can seem like an insane world.

Well, for the next couple of weeks I plan to enjoy the tranquility of our little piece of heaven tucked in between city and country, with the creek echoing with newly arriving birds and the fresh buds of spring bursting on the trees.

 Along with them, I will allow my own heart to almost burst with the grateful feelings I have about my own life, how blessed I am together with my family and many, many friends who continue to pray for my good health.  It's working!!!!!

Til next time, enjoy the arrival of spring and take time to ponder the blessings we share.



Take care and God Bless,
Hugs
Liz
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".