Dignity, Humility & Grace - Be careful what you ask for...

As much as I've wanted to delve further into the plans I have for 2014, the need to address part of my mission statement has become an emotional albatross waiting to be removed from my neck.  You may recall from reading my mission statement (which is published here at an earlier time), or having seen one of my new business cards, that there is a statement:

"If this is my cross to bear, may I do so with dignity, humility and grace."

Well let me tell you that until recently I really haven't been tested in this regard.  When I first learned extensive treatment was required to deal with the high risk endometrial cancer including radiation and chemo, one of the first things was to visit Lisa at the hair salon and come up with a fresh, cute cut.
The reaction from many, many people during the fall of 2012 was how great I looked, fantastic even, which helped to cope with the treatment.  Buying and having a wig styled was a major step in the coping process to convince myself that I think I can go through this.

As we rode the roller coaster ride of radiation and chemo, it seems like we were not facing the white knuckled ride, shrieking on the downside or feeling jostled from one side to the other.  In fact, it seemed like quite a dignified ride thank you very much and while some mild side effects were evident, nothing like many, many others face and so, detachment from the illness was relatively easy.  Besides, everyone I came into contact with said I looked great.

Fast forward to June 2013 and the sudden drop down the rabbit hole of major spinal surgery and the resulting diagnosis in July of further metastasis to my liver.  Oh boy, serious stuff, we went from treating for a cure to an uncertain future in less than two months.  Side effects of the surgery included severing nerve roots which impacted muscle capability especially around the abdomen.  One of the resulting outcomes was developing a protruding belly quite literally overnight - oh my!

To this point I had 'prided' myself in having maintained relatively good physical health through diet and exercise along with a blessing of good genes.  Less than 10 pounds of weight fluctuation in 30 years, hey, pretty good for someone in their 'champagne' year - born in 56 and turning 56 in 2012.  Little did I realize how much value I placed in my 'vanity bank' of appearance.

July 2012

The treatment for my liver was decided upon with increasing doses of a drug called Megastrol or a pill form of progesterone.  The last dosage increase was in October which, as you may know, resulted in good news that it was working and holding the growth of cells at bay.

What I didn't fully realize was the side effects of fluid retention and weight gain as the medication is also an appetite stimulant!  I thought my body was just craving certain foods and that all was good.  I mean since when does having cancer relate to weight gain?!?  By December I'd increased almost 40 pounds with close to an obsession of explaining to everyone I came into contact with that "It's the meds, it's the meds!!!!"

One might casually and correctly respond that it really doesn't matter, your friends will know and won't care, most others won't care or hardly even notice.  Oh no, but the harsh reality is that my pride was getting the stuffing knocked out of it and I'm learning some hard lessons in humility and dignity.  Humility of course meaning having a modest opinion or estimate of oneself and dignity meaning conduct indicative of self-respect.

What had come over me that I developed this obsessive need to initiate explanation of my physical appearance before anyone even asked?  The reality is that I knew lots of people wouldn't ask and so I felt the need to explain so they wouldn't think the wrong thing - whatever that might be.  I thought as we grew older and wiser that we became more comfortable in our own skin.  Oh sure, as long as it doesn't change dramatically or quickly.   Or is that many of us, deep down have a judgmental attitude toward others for how they look, especially if we've been fortunate to not have to deal with such sensitive matters.

Can only I see the difference?

Years of inflated vanity are being assaulted with the reality of what so many people live with every day in fighting the weight and appearance fight.  What's almost shocking is how hard it is to swallow the pill of pride, stop talking about what I can't control and relax into the hand I've been dealt.  Or maybe the body that I've grown into!  This is taking an almost constant diet of humility to release the opinions of self image and the vanity that others are even thinking about me in that detail!  It reminds me of when we would go to annual events or Christmas parties and be so concerned about whether we'd worn a particular outfit before to a particular group.  I seemed to be able to realize then that I should be so vain as to think anyone would even remember what I wore before.

You know what they say, people aren't thinking about us nearly as much as we think - they are too busy with their lives and their own thoughts.  My challenge with this lesson in humility is to shift  my thinking to more important and productive thoughts - outward toward others needing care and compassion and positive feedback.

The empathy I have gained for everyone around me is immense with a heightened sensitivity to the challenges that others face every day in managing their weight and that I had so many years of blessings.  The other remarkable thing is that I can possibly give so much air time and energy to the relatively simple side effect to a life prolonging treatment.  If I were anyone else listening, I'd be saying "COME ON!," let it go already.  You have been given a renewed lease on life so seize the moment, enjoy the time and carry on.  As my granddaughter has just started saying, with her tiny thumb crooked "RIGHT ON!".

To close on a more positive note, I do realize that it's only been 6-7 months since the last very major medical intervention and that it takes time to recover, heal, regain some energy and contemplate what sort of physical activity is even possible.  There is an added impact of course of reduced energy and slower metabolism making it at times, almost impossible to return to pre-operative levels.  In other words patience with oneself and acceptance that life has inevitably changed but that there is no need to give up.  Just change some of the activity and the way we might do things.  And take time every day to be ever so grateful for how fortunate I am to be living so comfortably in the midst of so many people who truly love me deeply and many more who care beyond measure.

Next time I'll give an update on the outcome from a meeting with the dietician, a planned meeting with a personal trainer and the appointment with a spiritual advisor.  So until then, take care and God Bless,

Liz

p.s. maybe this post has allowed me to 'purge' the feelings of vanity and pride!!! Thanks for your patience….

2013 in Review and a Look Ahead or 'A Peek in the Rearview Mirror and a View to the Future'

Happy New Year and welcome to 2014 - may the year ahead bring health, happiness and healing.

As I've ventured out a little during the Christmas season, many people are finding out for the first time about my adventures in prayer and medicine.  It seems logical then that I do a brief review of 2013 for those who like 'just the facts' so here it is:

• January through April was occupied with four rounds of chemo with a view to curing the high risk endometrial cancer that was diagnosed in August 2012.
• Mid April I pulled something in my back which seemed muscular rather than mechanical but progressed painfully through May despite various attempts at relief.  My medical team was aware and approving of my course of treatment.
• June 5th brought another major fall down a rabbit hole when the L1 vertebrae burst in my back as I was going down the stairs to the family room. 
• A major  7 hour surgery on June 9th resulted in a titanium cage replacing the L1 and two metal rods from the T11 to L3 to prevent further erosion.  The fear of an impending tumour causing the fracture was dispelled but 5 rounds of radiation were done as a precaution.
• Scans for my back turned up cells in my liver which was biopsied June 28th.  July 9th confirmed the spread from the endometrium to the liver resulting in hormone treatment to slow the growth.  
• October cat scan showed continued cell growth so another doubling of meds (oral - just two pills a day) resulting in now a 35 pound weight gain due to fluid retention and ferocious appetite.  Somehow having cancer and a huge appetite seem mutually exclusive.  Oh well, eat I have!
• Further cat scan end of November has satisfied my oncology team that the meds have kicked in, doing their job in holding back any further growth of cells in my liver.  We are now stable and as long as this holds, I can remain on this treatment indefinitely while managing the side effects of the increased weight.
• December oncology visit - advice was to enjoy the holidays, make plans to do what I'd like and come back in a couple of months - no cat scan required.  The only caveat is to report in should I feel unwell for a period of 2 weeks or longer.

Now for the philosophical pondering about the adventures and the future.  I continue to feel guided and remain open to the signs that I believe God puts in front of me to seize and use as I choose.  

2014 is bringing a period of Self Healing through a variety of activities that will require planning and self discipline.  Research has proven that those individuals who undertake what I refer to as 'soul work' fare much better than those who rely solely on passive medical intervention.  I leave the medical aspects of my care to the professional oncology team; after all God works through them to provide the best care possible and I don't want my life to be defined by my illness or by chasing every rabbit that comes into sight as a possible 'cure'. 

I'm sitting here in my jammies as I seem to have been doing many mornings (and into noontimes) and relishing the ability to do so after 35 years of full time plus go, go, go, go, go…….

My focus needs to be on taking the opportunity that has been provided to 'be with myself' and discern the next phase of my life.  I am learning so much through these adventures and daring to become who I am meant to be which includes a whole new level of spirituality and oneness with the world around me.  I am thankful for the time that I am being provided and look forward to planning the future based on the strong foundation on which I'm building my growing faith.  

The unwavering support and knowledge that so many of you are 'in my corner' helps a lot especially since many have been through this experience.   As one's world shrinks and many of life's defining features that highlight who you are - or better yet - what  you do - are stripped away leaving a sense of vulnerability, emptiness and of loss.

While I know many of you are not overly 'religious', I've been practicing filling my own feeling of 'emptiness' that comes from time to time by asking God to step in and remind me that I'm never truly alone and that my very first relationship is with Him because He made us to always have that little naughing feeling that can't be filled in any other way.  Even from those we love most; if I expect Mike to fill that need, I'm creating impossible expectations for him in the process.  So instead I imagine myself leaning back and resting right in the palm of God's hand and relaxing in the knowledge that He knows exactly what I need.

I am blessed for the way I have been so gently guided through my adventures.  Despite the factual 'gravity' of the situation, I've been only fatigued enough to get some true rest, only in pain enough to remind me of my humanness and vulnerability and only inactive enough to spend time building my relationship with God. 

I hope today and the year ahead goes well for all of you.  You are in the midst of your own adventures and hopefully you are being led in ways that use your unique and genuine qualities that will allow others to feel His love through direct contact with you.  

Until next time, be open to the wonder that each day brings and provides us with a chance to grow.  God Bless and take care,

Hugs

Liz