Dignity, Humility & Grace - Be careful what you ask for...

As much as I've wanted to delve further into the plans I have for 2014, the need to address part of my mission statement has become an emotional albatross waiting to be removed from my neck.  You may recall from reading my mission statement (which is published here at an earlier time), or having seen one of my new business cards, that there is a statement:

"If this is my cross to bear, may I do so with dignity, humility and grace."

Well let me tell you that until recently I really haven't been tested in this regard.  When I first learned extensive treatment was required to deal with the high risk endometrial cancer including radiation and chemo, one of the first things was to visit Lisa at the hair salon and come up with a fresh, cute cut.
The reaction from many, many people during the fall of 2012 was how great I looked, fantastic even, which helped to cope with the treatment.  Buying and having a wig styled was a major step in the coping process to convince myself that I think I can go through this.

As we rode the roller coaster ride of radiation and chemo, it seems like we were not facing the white knuckled ride, shrieking on the downside or feeling jostled from one side to the other.  In fact, it seemed like quite a dignified ride thank you very much and while some mild side effects were evident, nothing like many, many others face and so, detachment from the illness was relatively easy.  Besides, everyone I came into contact with said I looked great.

Fast forward to June 2013 and the sudden drop down the rabbit hole of major spinal surgery and the resulting diagnosis in July of further metastasis to my liver.  Oh boy, serious stuff, we went from treating for a cure to an uncertain future in less than two months.  Side effects of the surgery included severing nerve roots which impacted muscle capability especially around the abdomen.  One of the resulting outcomes was developing a protruding belly quite literally overnight - oh my!

To this point I had 'prided' myself in having maintained relatively good physical health through diet and exercise along with a blessing of good genes.  Less than 10 pounds of weight fluctuation in 30 years, hey, pretty good for someone in their 'champagne' year - born in 56 and turning 56 in 2012.  Little did I realize how much value I placed in my 'vanity bank' of appearance.

July 2012

The treatment for my liver was decided upon with increasing doses of a drug called Megastrol or a pill form of progesterone.  The last dosage increase was in October which, as you may know, resulted in good news that it was working and holding the growth of cells at bay.

What I didn't fully realize was the side effects of fluid retention and weight gain as the medication is also an appetite stimulant!  I thought my body was just craving certain foods and that all was good.  I mean since when does having cancer relate to weight gain?!?  By December I'd increased almost 40 pounds with close to an obsession of explaining to everyone I came into contact with that "It's the meds, it's the meds!!!!"

One might casually and correctly respond that it really doesn't matter, your friends will know and won't care, most others won't care or hardly even notice.  Oh no, but the harsh reality is that my pride was getting the stuffing knocked out of it and I'm learning some hard lessons in humility and dignity.  Humility of course meaning having a modest opinion or estimate of oneself and dignity meaning conduct indicative of self-respect.

What had come over me that I developed this obsessive need to initiate explanation of my physical appearance before anyone even asked?  The reality is that I knew lots of people wouldn't ask and so I felt the need to explain so they wouldn't think the wrong thing - whatever that might be.  I thought as we grew older and wiser that we became more comfortable in our own skin.  Oh sure, as long as it doesn't change dramatically or quickly.   Or is that many of us, deep down have a judgmental attitude toward others for how they look, especially if we've been fortunate to not have to deal with such sensitive matters.

Can only I see the difference?

Years of inflated vanity are being assaulted with the reality of what so many people live with every day in fighting the weight and appearance fight.  What's almost shocking is how hard it is to swallow the pill of pride, stop talking about what I can't control and relax into the hand I've been dealt.  Or maybe the body that I've grown into!  This is taking an almost constant diet of humility to release the opinions of self image and the vanity that others are even thinking about me in that detail!  It reminds me of when we would go to annual events or Christmas parties and be so concerned about whether we'd worn a particular outfit before to a particular group.  I seemed to be able to realize then that I should be so vain as to think anyone would even remember what I wore before.

You know what they say, people aren't thinking about us nearly as much as we think - they are too busy with their lives and their own thoughts.  My challenge with this lesson in humility is to shift  my thinking to more important and productive thoughts - outward toward others needing care and compassion and positive feedback.

The empathy I have gained for everyone around me is immense with a heightened sensitivity to the challenges that others face every day in managing their weight and that I had so many years of blessings.  The other remarkable thing is that I can possibly give so much air time and energy to the relatively simple side effect to a life prolonging treatment.  If I were anyone else listening, I'd be saying "COME ON!," let it go already.  You have been given a renewed lease on life so seize the moment, enjoy the time and carry on.  As my granddaughter has just started saying, with her tiny thumb crooked "RIGHT ON!".

To close on a more positive note, I do realize that it's only been 6-7 months since the last very major medical intervention and that it takes time to recover, heal, regain some energy and contemplate what sort of physical activity is even possible.  There is an added impact of course of reduced energy and slower metabolism making it at times, almost impossible to return to pre-operative levels.  In other words patience with oneself and acceptance that life has inevitably changed but that there is no need to give up.  Just change some of the activity and the way we might do things.  And take time every day to be ever so grateful for how fortunate I am to be living so comfortably in the midst of so many people who truly love me deeply and many more who care beyond measure.

Next time I'll give an update on the outcome from a meeting with the dietician, a planned meeting with a personal trainer and the appointment with a spiritual advisor.  So until then, take care and God Bless,

Liz

p.s. maybe this post has allowed me to 'purge' the feelings of vanity and pride!!! Thanks for your patience….