90:10: Life's events and our Reactions

The last couple of weeks have been made up of travels in a little bit of a valley caught up in the unrelenting blowing winds and snow that come whistling through as you try to make your way to daily destinations.  For most of us that image is more reality than anything given the unrelenting grip of this winter's weather.  What has come up for me several times has been relatively small challenges in day to day living and my own awareness of my reactions to them.

As an admission of my own shortcomings, I must admit that while I have the ability to deal with the big, tough issues of life with relative strength and endurance, it's been counterbalanced by getting tied up in knots by seemingly trivial problems.
 

Reactions that flash like lightning in a summer storm followed by all kinds of internal emotions, most of which are self defeating and worthless if we are truly living life to the fullest.   You might be thinking, what the heck is she going on about with this line of thinking.  It might be easiest to give a couple of small examples that could and would in days gone by, have led to 'kick the dog' syndrome.

A week ago Wednesday we went for massage therapy in the hopes of releasing whatever I've done to my back - more about that in a few minutes - to come home with a plan to have a relaxing hot tub to help wash away the toxins.  We got ready, wrapped in warm robes prepared to face the wet, cold outdoors looking forward to sinking into the warm, swirling waters just waiting to soothe those muscles that had been put through what seemed like a military workout.

Mike opened the tub to find it less than half full with water gently flowing out the side of the unit.  What amazed me was my own reaction.  Standard, past behaviour would be to react instantly, likely throwing arms in the air commenting explicitly about what could possibly be wrong, immediately followed by the creation of catastrophic outcomes in a nano second and lament the crisis that had befallen us.  Seriously, imagine the water coming out and pouring under the snow, eroding the secureness of the retaining wall beneath, thus weakening the concrete pad of the deck, only to have the entire structure become detached from the house and go crashing down into the yard below.  Yup, all that in a nano second.  Doesn't everyone reach those conclusions?

This time though, thanks be to God, my reaction was totally different, simply responding "I guess we aren't having a hot tub today" and "Isn't it great that we planned to come out here today before all the water leaked out and burned out whatever burnable parts are in there like motors and pumps and the like?"  Mike, my own in house Mr. Fix-It had it apart in a matter of minutes to find the problem with one pump or another, called about a replacement and had it repaired within a day or so.  It was also the opportune time to empty, clean and refill for spring!  The (imaginary) dog was spared, the reaction to the problem was a God send and our house remains stable on its foundation!  All this without mentioning the priceless energy that was saved.

Another incident that caused me to observe my own reaction to life's little events happened recently when Mike and I were taking the car (back) to the shop as it wasn't behaving the way it should after having just put major repairs into it.  Both vehicles in fact had major financial attention in, of all months, December!  Off we drive at 8 in the morning with Mike following me down John Counter Blvd. , a very busy street in Kingston.  My plan was to drop the car off and go to 8:30 mass.  On the way, I was trying to anticipate whether Mike would want to take the original route we used to take or go straight ahead on a relatively new section of road.  At one point he seemed pretty far behind me so I jockeyed my position in the traffic to let him catch up.   I ended up going straight through the oncoming, very busy intersection only to look in my rearview mirror to see Mike on the other side, getting out of the truck and looking under the hood!!!!

Hey wait a minute, it's the car that's going in, not the truck and we just had it repaired as well.  I made a u-turn, got back to pull in behind him and put on the four way flashers so oncoming traffic could go around.  The truck had simply 'died', lost all power, everything electrical had shut off and it refused to even get through one of the morning's busiest intersections.  I steered with no power steering as Mike pushed the dead beast to the side of the road.  And yes, again, it was raining and cold.

But hey, within two minutes, a great big Bell truck pulls up behind Mike with another Bell vehicle behind.  I almost laughed out loud because my delayed reaction of creating yet another catastrophic event, allowed me to see God's humour in the situation.  These guys work with Mike at Bell Canada and recognized him trying to maneuver the truck off the road.

Had we taken the turn I'd been considering, we would have missed them and had to deal with CAA or who knows what else to get the problem dealt with.  As things turned out, they were able to boost the truck, Mike was able to get it to the shop and the truck went in rather than the car and we made it to 8:30 mass just on time!

Perhaps by now I've bored you to tears with the trivial matters that we've dealt with and question why I would see such deep meaning in them.  As the saying goes though, 'life is 10% of what happens and 90% in how we react'.  Doesn't that warrant examining our reactions to seemingly inconsequential events to learn more about how our own psyche works and responds?  Don't get me wrong, I can and do work at being flexible and 'going with the flow', but there have been far too many times that my limbic system takes over and creates all sorts of anxiety for no good reason.  It's welcome relief to be able to remain emotionally detached from such matters and develop an ability to 'keep calm and carry on.'  Leave even the most trivial of matters in God's hands.

                            My friend Martha has often used the image of leaving problems in God's inbox.

 In my own efforts to put this into practice, I would imagine putting matters that were troubling right there for Him to take on.  As a means of managing my impatience, to even think about the issue was taking it back out of God's inbox and who knows, that could have been the exact moment He was ready to pick it up and help me out!  It was a very effective way to practice stretching my tolerance levels.

Ok now on to the physical aspects of my existence, primarily because I have been told by many people it's a good way to keep informed as to my progress or lack thereof.  A couple of weeks ago there was an article in the paper about a research study that Queen's University is conducting on individuals who are overweight and inactive.  Hey, that's me I thought so called up to see if I might qualify given my health challenges.  The student listened carefully as I explained my situation to make sure they had all the details to determine my eligibility.  A couple of days later I received an email response that said:
'Despite illness and your weight gain it is in fact your active lifestyle that makes you ineligible for this study. You are simply too active! Keep up the good work!'

I have been working with Tracy, a personal trainer who has been over a few times now helping to build a fitness routine that fits my new, rounder self.  After a couple of sessions she came to the conclusion her job was not to get me to do the exercises but to keep me from overdoing them!  Imagine anyone thinking such a thing about me?  Seems to be a common theme.

Now just a few short weeks later I have clearly overdone my trainer's instructions and am nursing a back that won't cooperate when I try to walk.  Virtually any other activity is achievable including bending, squatting, turning, just don't put weight on my legs and try to walk.  I've been looking like a shuffling octogenarian and can only think I've overdone the exercises in my enthusiasm.  Given the events of the past number of months, I didn't want to fool around with a sore back so went to the doctor last Friday and had X-rays done to rule out any further fractures.  As a result, today, and for the next couple of weeks, all exercise has been cancelled to give whatever parts of my anatomy are angry, a chance to calm down.  Time to shrink the world again, given the fatigue that comes along with the pain.  Some of us really do choose the hard paths don't we?

While my weight seemed to level off for a while, a couple more pounds may have slipped on so I've chosen to ignore them and simply not get on the scale!  It's so humorous to go out these days and be able to walk right past people I've know for years to have them simply look right past me.  I don't even have to put on sunglasses to be incognito.  Do you think it's the short hair?

The reality of the situation, which I remind myself is that I didn't gain all this weight and can now draw a line and work on a permanent reduction by watching what I eat and getting more active.  While those things will definitely help and I will do my utmost to be proactive, the reality is that every day I am ingesting 320 mg of a medication that causes significant fluid retention and a voracious appetite.  Every day is day one of starting over to deal with the side effects.  Having said that, when I start heading to a pity party I remind myself I only take 2 anti-cancer pills a day, and compare my profile to that of a diabetic who has to check their blood 3,4 or more times a day, inject insulin, deal with dizzying fluctuations in blood sugar and the myriad of complications that can be life threatening.  I'm blessed.

It's time to look forward to the sunshine, the promise of new life and a renewed sense of hope for the future.

It's time for spring cleaning of not only our homes, but of our hearts and minds that may have become overcrowded with cobwebs of fear and anxiety that have no business taking up our valuable head and heart space.  It's often said the best way to make yourself feel better is to do something nice for someone else.  I needed to make myself feel better today so have done just that…….. I won't tell you what that might be …….. it's the magic of the healing that comes along with the deed.

Until next time, take care of yourself, take care of someone else and try putting something into God's inbox!

God Bless,
Liz
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the best gifts we can receive".

Choices…..

Choices - every day, sometimes every hour and even more frequently on hectic days, we are faced with choices that will take us down one path or another in the great map of life that will ultimately form our unique and individual stories.

I had long wrestled with the concept of whether our lives are dictated by fate and what role free will may have to play.  In recent years, and more specifically, going through the experiences of the sudden death of my husband and my father within two years, the confusion cleared for me like a misty fog on an early sunny morning.  My dad and I had long debated the notion of fate and he used to say 'When my day comes, I'm going to make sure I go out of my way to be there', being totally convinced that there was a date on God's calendar when he would be called home.  I wasn't so sure before these events.

In the case of my first husband, Rick, I had to travel down the path of the 'what ifs, if onlys, could've, should've, would've, and maybe he would have survived but that was not to be and it was only through my faith that I didn't get stuck in that place.  It was moving forward a day at a time, an hour at a time, sometimes a breath at a time that allowed new possibilities to emerge and healing to begin. It was accepting that October 27, 2002 was his day and he'd reached the destination of his life's journey.

On reading Psalm 139 and having discussed it during sessions of spiritual direction, my faith has grown to the point of believing and agreeing with my dad that such a day does exist.  "In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed"(Psalm 139:16).

  I personally find the concept quite freeing given my relatively cautious and fearful nature as it relates to anything that might pose a risk to life and limb.  Yes, even flying sometimes.  I suppose even more so as it relates to my current situation of having a serious and life threatening illness.  Acceptance of an 'expiration date' that is predetermined somehow seems less frightening and less dependent on the choices I make.  For example, if I were to chase all the so called remedies for cancer that are out there, in no time at all I would find myself in a state of 'paralysis by analysis'.  What I have chosen to do is leave the research and treatment to the experts on my medical team.  Not only are they well trained in clinical care and ongoing research, they are God's 'instruments' in dealing with the sick and suffering.  All I have to do is trust that He has the ability to have them manage my illness in the best way possible for His plan for my life.  Leave it to them and get on with the rest of my life.

On that note, one might question where free will comes into play as it relates to one's life.  It brings me right back to the notion of making choices and how we eventually reach the end point.  Imagine life being a trip across Canada and deciding how we might decide to chart our course.  Some will decide to take the 401 and all major highways to get to Vancouver as quickly as possible driving in a sleek full sized car.  Others will decide to take an RV taking back roads, parking overnight in Walmart parking lots and seeing sights along the route.
Still others, like us, would likely pack lightly and head out on the Harley enjoying the open road. Eventually though, we all get to our destination.

Regardless of whatever choices we make on how we travel through life, we all know there will be times of bad weather, wrong turns and disagreements about who read the map wrong and got us lost along the way.  It's these times that we are truly being tested, buffed and polished to become the best that we can be.  I know there have been many times that my coping mechanism was to look to others with a need to assign blame for anything that may have gone wrong.  Many times the three fingers pointing back at me had the harshest impact, a clear indication that I had done something wrong to contribute to a negative outcome.  These are also the most difficult situations to remedy because of long standing habits of carrying around the guilt and shame like some kind of modern day martyr.  After all, somebody has to be responsible for everything that happens especially when things go awry.  I've been learning though, mainly because I still have an uncertain future, that every day spent in despair, and especially self blame is a day wasted.  People do not maliciously or deliberately put obstacles in our way to impede our ability to travel.

In recent months, as the outward stress and demands on my time and life has decreased, I can breathe more deeply, accept more freely and see the journey of life with eyes that are more clear than they have been in a long time.  I am no longer driven by the mundane, external pressures that appeared daily as mountains that require the skill of a mountain goat to keep my footing while the air becomes thinner by the minute.  Just get to the next crevice, camp for the night and start over tomorrow!  Who would ever think that being diagnosed with one of the most frightening illnesses in our modern day world would contribute to such unparalleled freedom of one's internal spirit?

In one of my journals, I came across a saying 'with choices, we have to let things go'. Thought provoking huh?  Kind of like 'you can't get to second base without taking your foot off first'.
I remember having the choice last June of whether I even wanted immediate surgery on my back to repair the burst vertebrae, or have an external cage put on so they could start radiation right away.  I remember having a further choice as to whether I wanted a lesser invasive surgery to simply stabilize my spine so we could start treatment.  I remember also having the choice of basically, in my words, going for broke and doing the 'big surgery' and replacing the vertebrae and doing an implementation fusion to reinforce the rest of my spine and prevent further erosion.  These choices were based on the medical team's prognosis that there was a tumour on my spine that required fairly immediate cancer related intervention.


Given the overwhelming nature of the situation, I asked my surgeon what he would do if it was his wife in this situation.  His response will remain forever in my heart.  He paused, his eyes became misty, he replied, 'it's my wife, and I know what I can do, I would do the (big) surgery'.  Well that made my final choice very easy and we proceeded with the big surgery only to learn there was no tumour on my spine which even today I believe to be a miracle.  The cautious conclusion was that there may have been a tumour that was killed be the chemotherapy earlier in 2013.

Another choice I have made is not to be identified by my illness with which comes the elimination of what some might call 'cancer perks'.  Almost every day I find myself in situations where it would be so convenient to 'play the cancer card' and receive preferential treatment or displays of sympathy.  For me that could quickly become a very slippery slope that would have me sliding through my life on the 'bobsled of cancer patients', potentially losing myself in the process.  I am choosing to get up every day with the full realization that I've had a good night's sleep, I feel relatively well and can spend another day at a pace that fits within my limitations.  More importantly, I remind myself the choices are mine, no longer imposed from the outside, doing everything that everyone else wants me to do and thinking I'll be a better person for it. I am making choices that are healthy, nurture my soul and bring a sense of peace and contentment to my day.  And that does not include having cancer as a constant daily topic!

This whole notion of slowing down and finding the world going at its own pace opens up many more choices for me.  I no longer feel trapped into doing what I think needs to be done or anticipating what others might need from me., whether they really need them or whether I'm just making it up because I have a need to fill my days beyond my ability to accomplish all I set out to do.  I recall a conversation with a friend and neighbour from years ago where we were discussing the stress of our daily lives and everything we 'had' to do.  She looked me in the eye and stated simply 'we all have choices'.

 We are choosing to live in these lovely homes, live the lifestyle we enjoy and drive the cars we have.  If the stress is too much, just make different choices.  While I paraphrase, I'm sure you get the drift which left me with a new placeholder in my mind that has been helpful over the intervening years.  The greater question often is 'who or what is driving my choices'.  As long as we are true to ourselves, have a greater plan, and allow God to direct our steps, our lives will play out much more smoothly than being pulled every which way through external forces.

I've learned too that making thoughtful choices helps me to establish boundaries for myself as I deal with others.  After all, as compassionate and empathetic as we can be, we cannot take on the responsibility of choices made by others.  This has been a challenge for me through most of my life; feeling responsible for everything that happened all around me.
 As I've been working to remove the stress from my own life, I find it much easier to leave other people's choices with them in their lives and not feel that I must do something to deal with negative consequences they may experience.  Live and let live would be an appropriate tag line!

It's been so heartwarming to receive feedback from many people who tell me they follow these little writings and find them helpful.  As you know my goal is to publish a post twice a month to give interested people an update on my health situation.  It seems to be evolving to include musings on life which, I've learned, plays a very important role in dealing with my illness which, at this time, is not being treated for a cure but rather to prolong my life by managing the physical symptoms.  Thanks to so many prayers, I continue to feel relatively well.  So until next time, thank you for your support……


Hugs,
Liz
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".

Tasks: The Beginning of Self Discipline - Maybe

The winter we've been experiencing has left little opportunity to easily and safely head outdoors to enjoy a walk while breathing in the fresh, crisp air of February.  Did I really say that?  Since coming home, it's like there hasn't been a hint of relief front the weather we left when heading to Florida for a welcome treat of warm air and sunshine.  It's been too cold, too icy, too sloppy, and quite frankly, too dangerous to be walking out on the streets, make that roads since the sidewalks are simply sheets of uneven ice that could easily lead to a fall.  What then, does one do to get in the long promised commitment of a cardio workout 5 days a week?  I know, I know, I could go to the gym, any gym for that matter and join the legions of fitness buffs who are dressed like Olympic athletes, pushing themselves ever harder for that sleek, hardened look of toned self discipline.

Well, it's been too cold and I decided the answer for me was to get on the elliptical that we have up in our loft room, which reminds one of an attic with sloped ceilings, a big open space and lots of light.

Almost every day for 30 minutes since the beginning of January, I've been setting my computer to songs of the 70's, climbing on and cycling through the average of 7 songs to get to the end of my workout.  The physical activity helps the mind clear itself while creating an overall sense of well being. Funny how that works.  No energy when starting out, a sense of pure exhaustion about 15 minutes in and then a renewed sense of self by the end.

When not being taken back into the past by the music, the myriad of thoughts that pass through my mind while pumping along, can be somewhat exhilarating and tiring at the same time.  One decision I made as I looked around the room at the unfinished projects clamouring for completion, was that no new projects could be started until those in mid stream were finished.  Now that may seem like it was purely my idea but I can tell you with total honesty, that it was more likely words from Mike that were reverberating through my mind.  He is very good at starting something, working through it methodically, cleaning up after each session and continuing to the end.  Me?  Well I love to start things, and perhaps in the midst of one thing, get a bright idea about a complementary or coordinating idea, then start on that and can get several ideas into action and then get overwhelmed trying to figure out which one needs the most immediate attention!

This week, I started having a personal trainer come in to help me sort out and plan what other activities I can undertake to build up my strength within the limitations of my new, sausage like self.  As I explained to Tracy, it is not necessary to have someone stand watch over me like some military guard over a prisoner to do a workout.  It is more important to develop a plan, that once established helps provide a framework for improved functionality for everyday living.  It was a pleasant surprise that with her help, an initial plan was quickly developed leading to a good balance of cardio, strengthening and stretching to cover the bases.

Another thing that kept me busy for a few days was going through and laundering all my clothing purchases from Florida.  We had great fun at the discount stores for cheap and cheerful garments and even more fun thrift shopping at prices that spoil one for the price of clothes at home.  If you haven't had the experience, being able to look through the cast offs of the rich and famous is similar to that of playing dress up as a little girl in someone's trunk of clothes and feeling somewhat like Cinderella.

 The best part was that we shopped at church sponsored thrift shops and 100% or close to it, of the proceeds went right back to the church.  Some garments still had the original price tags!

Through all of the practical planning and implementation I continue to discern how God wants me to spend my time.  In order to be the best that I can be, certain things need to be in place such as those I've just discussed.  Order in the mind, brings peace to the soul and Lord knows, order in my mind can sometimes be a challenge even for God!  Many days bring thoughts of activity that simply can't be followed through by the body.  The energy levels are unreliable at best, often leaving me exhausted after even a relatively minor task.   This disparity requires a significant amount of patience with myself which I know, in the big picture, is an important step toward whatever my future might hold.  Sometimes, the slower one goes, the more one can accomplish.  Remind you of the fable of the tortoise and the hare?  I guess I'm in tortoise mode which will likely be a blessing in the end.

Next week brings the start of Lent which will allow for further reflection on how I consider the truly important things in life.  How fitting then that next weekend we plan to have two families of our kids and grandkids here for a skate at market square followed by them preparing dinner for us here at home! It's so rich and life giving to have a 2, 3 and 5 year old bouncing around the house building lego, playing dolls, getting out the button jar while wearing special hats from days gone by to maybe having a bath to play with the Playmobile boats that were my 30 year old son's when he was their age.  For me, that's pretty close to
heaven on earth.

While there's much more going on in the background, I will leave it for another day to ponder and simply take today for what it is, another opportunity to spend time with loved ones, watch the birds out back and give thanks for all that I've been blessed with.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and if even one person benefits from one thing that's been written, then the magic continues to reverberate around the world in ways that we can only imagine.

Have a great day, until next time,
Hugs
Liz
'Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive'.