Choices…..

Choices - every day, sometimes every hour and even more frequently on hectic days, we are faced with choices that will take us down one path or another in the great map of life that will ultimately form our unique and individual stories.

I had long wrestled with the concept of whether our lives are dictated by fate and what role free will may have to play.  In recent years, and more specifically, going through the experiences of the sudden death of my husband and my father within two years, the confusion cleared for me like a misty fog on an early sunny morning.  My dad and I had long debated the notion of fate and he used to say 'When my day comes, I'm going to make sure I go out of my way to be there', being totally convinced that there was a date on God's calendar when he would be called home.  I wasn't so sure before these events.

In the case of my first husband, Rick, I had to travel down the path of the 'what ifs, if onlys, could've, should've, would've, and maybe he would have survived but that was not to be and it was only through my faith that I didn't get stuck in that place.  It was moving forward a day at a time, an hour at a time, sometimes a breath at a time that allowed new possibilities to emerge and healing to begin. It was accepting that October 27, 2002 was his day and he'd reached the destination of his life's journey.

On reading Psalm 139 and having discussed it during sessions of spiritual direction, my faith has grown to the point of believing and agreeing with my dad that such a day does exist.  "In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed"(Psalm 139:16).

  I personally find the concept quite freeing given my relatively cautious and fearful nature as it relates to anything that might pose a risk to life and limb.  Yes, even flying sometimes.  I suppose even more so as it relates to my current situation of having a serious and life threatening illness.  Acceptance of an 'expiration date' that is predetermined somehow seems less frightening and less dependent on the choices I make.  For example, if I were to chase all the so called remedies for cancer that are out there, in no time at all I would find myself in a state of 'paralysis by analysis'.  What I have chosen to do is leave the research and treatment to the experts on my medical team.  Not only are they well trained in clinical care and ongoing research, they are God's 'instruments' in dealing with the sick and suffering.  All I have to do is trust that He has the ability to have them manage my illness in the best way possible for His plan for my life.  Leave it to them and get on with the rest of my life.

On that note, one might question where free will comes into play as it relates to one's life.  It brings me right back to the notion of making choices and how we eventually reach the end point.  Imagine life being a trip across Canada and deciding how we might decide to chart our course.  Some will decide to take the 401 and all major highways to get to Vancouver as quickly as possible driving in a sleek full sized car.  Others will decide to take an RV taking back roads, parking overnight in Walmart parking lots and seeing sights along the route.
Still others, like us, would likely pack lightly and head out on the Harley enjoying the open road. Eventually though, we all get to our destination.

Regardless of whatever choices we make on how we travel through life, we all know there will be times of bad weather, wrong turns and disagreements about who read the map wrong and got us lost along the way.  It's these times that we are truly being tested, buffed and polished to become the best that we can be.  I know there have been many times that my coping mechanism was to look to others with a need to assign blame for anything that may have gone wrong.  Many times the three fingers pointing back at me had the harshest impact, a clear indication that I had done something wrong to contribute to a negative outcome.  These are also the most difficult situations to remedy because of long standing habits of carrying around the guilt and shame like some kind of modern day martyr.  After all, somebody has to be responsible for everything that happens especially when things go awry.  I've been learning though, mainly because I still have an uncertain future, that every day spent in despair, and especially self blame is a day wasted.  People do not maliciously or deliberately put obstacles in our way to impede our ability to travel.

In recent months, as the outward stress and demands on my time and life has decreased, I can breathe more deeply, accept more freely and see the journey of life with eyes that are more clear than they have been in a long time.  I am no longer driven by the mundane, external pressures that appeared daily as mountains that require the skill of a mountain goat to keep my footing while the air becomes thinner by the minute.  Just get to the next crevice, camp for the night and start over tomorrow!  Who would ever think that being diagnosed with one of the most frightening illnesses in our modern day world would contribute to such unparalleled freedom of one's internal spirit?

In one of my journals, I came across a saying 'with choices, we have to let things go'. Thought provoking huh?  Kind of like 'you can't get to second base without taking your foot off first'.
I remember having the choice last June of whether I even wanted immediate surgery on my back to repair the burst vertebrae, or have an external cage put on so they could start radiation right away.  I remember having a further choice as to whether I wanted a lesser invasive surgery to simply stabilize my spine so we could start treatment.  I remember also having the choice of basically, in my words, going for broke and doing the 'big surgery' and replacing the vertebrae and doing an implementation fusion to reinforce the rest of my spine and prevent further erosion.  These choices were based on the medical team's prognosis that there was a tumour on my spine that required fairly immediate cancer related intervention.


Given the overwhelming nature of the situation, I asked my surgeon what he would do if it was his wife in this situation.  His response will remain forever in my heart.  He paused, his eyes became misty, he replied, 'it's my wife, and I know what I can do, I would do the (big) surgery'.  Well that made my final choice very easy and we proceeded with the big surgery only to learn there was no tumour on my spine which even today I believe to be a miracle.  The cautious conclusion was that there may have been a tumour that was killed be the chemotherapy earlier in 2013.

Another choice I have made is not to be identified by my illness with which comes the elimination of what some might call 'cancer perks'.  Almost every day I find myself in situations where it would be so convenient to 'play the cancer card' and receive preferential treatment or displays of sympathy.  For me that could quickly become a very slippery slope that would have me sliding through my life on the 'bobsled of cancer patients', potentially losing myself in the process.  I am choosing to get up every day with the full realization that I've had a good night's sleep, I feel relatively well and can spend another day at a pace that fits within my limitations.  More importantly, I remind myself the choices are mine, no longer imposed from the outside, doing everything that everyone else wants me to do and thinking I'll be a better person for it. I am making choices that are healthy, nurture my soul and bring a sense of peace and contentment to my day.  And that does not include having cancer as a constant daily topic!

This whole notion of slowing down and finding the world going at its own pace opens up many more choices for me.  I no longer feel trapped into doing what I think needs to be done or anticipating what others might need from me., whether they really need them or whether I'm just making it up because I have a need to fill my days beyond my ability to accomplish all I set out to do.  I recall a conversation with a friend and neighbour from years ago where we were discussing the stress of our daily lives and everything we 'had' to do.  She looked me in the eye and stated simply 'we all have choices'.

 We are choosing to live in these lovely homes, live the lifestyle we enjoy and drive the cars we have.  If the stress is too much, just make different choices.  While I paraphrase, I'm sure you get the drift which left me with a new placeholder in my mind that has been helpful over the intervening years.  The greater question often is 'who or what is driving my choices'.  As long as we are true to ourselves, have a greater plan, and allow God to direct our steps, our lives will play out much more smoothly than being pulled every which way through external forces.

I've learned too that making thoughtful choices helps me to establish boundaries for myself as I deal with others.  After all, as compassionate and empathetic as we can be, we cannot take on the responsibility of choices made by others.  This has been a challenge for me through most of my life; feeling responsible for everything that happened all around me.
 As I've been working to remove the stress from my own life, I find it much easier to leave other people's choices with them in their lives and not feel that I must do something to deal with negative consequences they may experience.  Live and let live would be an appropriate tag line!

It's been so heartwarming to receive feedback from many people who tell me they follow these little writings and find them helpful.  As you know my goal is to publish a post twice a month to give interested people an update on my health situation.  It seems to be evolving to include musings on life which, I've learned, plays a very important role in dealing with my illness which, at this time, is not being treated for a cure but rather to prolong my life by managing the physical symptoms.  Thanks to so many prayers, I continue to feel relatively well.  So until next time, thank you for your support……


Hugs,
Liz
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".