An Early Christmas Gift

In reviewing some of my last posts, it doesn't look like I told you about the minor irritation I developed likely sometime in October.  It's an itch that seems to limit itself to my extremities, like feet, ankles, hands and arms.  Pop a Claritin and 30 minutes later sanity returns although I've never had any known allergies.

 One of the worst parts of course is that I can't really reach my feet to scratch; Maggie continues to get in the way.  Besides the doctor told me it's best if you can avoid scratching because it actually begets more itching - oh yes the vicious circle.  

I was coping with this relatively benign problem fairly well until I made the mistake of doing a little search on the Internet.  Allergies don't typically just show up at this stage of life so even my efforts to narrow down the cause was a futile attempt at resolving the matter.  But oh no, what do I find?  In some obscure page, likely somewhere in the middle of the million plus sites I could go to, it talks about potential problems with liver function.  All my faith was blown out the window in a nano second with me convinced that seeing 2015 was just wishful thinking.  After much self coaching and rationalization, I was able to pull myself back together and not feel like Humpty Dumpty having just had a great fall.  Even though I am back sitting on the wall, I have to admit there have been some moments in the last month that I have felt myself teetering, wondering where I might fall.

During my last visit to my family doctor, who is new to me as the previous one decided to head to New Zealand for a change of pace, we discussed this latest symptom and she readily ordered bloodwork to test for any abnormalities.  We agreed she would call if there were any problems.  She called a few days later; I saw the number on the phone; oh-oh, here we go; this is it.  In fact, she was just being kind and considerate by calling to tell me that the results were all in line, reviewed each test that was done with no significant variances and in fact a number of them were very, very good. Who could ask for more? Christmas came early!

My internal, mercurial reactions from time to time are almost heart stopping in their intensity and if truth be known at least they are not as visceral as they used to be.  As well, it really doesn't take a lot of time to grasp the information, process it and put it where it belongs in our lives and accept whatever might come with it.  We were able to do that throughout this time of uncertainty and I realize these last few weeks can be considered quite normal emotionally when your health is compromised.  One can only hope for a stable, even sense of calm which is elusive even when in the best of health.

The bottom line is there is no real explanation for the allergic type of itch I've developed and if we can control it with an over the counter antihistamine, we'll leave well enough alone.  I pray every day that Mike would be relieved of his symptoms of excema which manifests itself as an almost constant itch.  As I experience a very tiny sampling of what he lives with day in and day out, I may have to put my prayers into overdrive!

Part of my responsibility to myself is to invest in physical activity within my limitations.  Having always been a fairly active individual, one of the hardest things is to not overdo it as I've written about before.  This year has been a bit of a roller coaster ride with starting fitness only to injure myself and having to abandon it until I could recover.  I mentioned recently that I've tried yet another program - that of walking in the pool at the Y.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that I have found something that works for me and that I enjoy to the point that I actually look forward to going despite the school yard antics that go on sometimes, leaving you wondering how people can continue such things into old age.  With the variety of techniques I've been using, I don't suppose I'll ever qualify for the Olympic synchronized swim team or even any kind of aquatic ballet but what I can do is escape into my own imagination and let my thoughts drift where they might, untethered and allowed to escape into full flight to who knows where.

Another interesting experience is when members of one organization or another bring young adults who face multiple challenges for what is sure to be an outing that allows freedom from some of the constraints they face every day.  It surprised me more than a little when someone asked me one day if they 'bothered me'.

I hope the incredulous thoughts I had didn't show up on my face which is normally the case.  Once I composed myself I gently replied that I believe they are angels that reflect to us, life on so many levels and if nothing else, our awareness of our place in this world.  A young man, with the most dazzling blue eyes and long eyelashes that any girl would covet, sat in his wheelchair (that day his caregiver forgot her bathing suit so he was confined to poolside)  keeping eye contact as I plodded along from one end to the other.  Before long, smiles were exchanged and before long, he blew a kiss!  Can you imagine how magical that was?  A young man trapped in his body, using his eyes to make contact and develop rapport with a perfect stranger.  How special is that!?  A friend who was with me that day told me to stop flirting, only to smile knowing it would continue.  Another young man arrives regularly with his caregiver to walk the perimeter of the pool.  He loves to talk to anyone anytime which makes it enjoyable to coax him in front of his caregiver to keep moving.  His response?  A finger pointing with his best Dirty Harry impression of 'Go ahead, make my day' which means I must topple over as though shot, causing him to go into gales of laughter.  When I think that I only spend a few short minutes interacting with some of these individuals, my respect for the people who choose a vocation to provide full time care to developmentally disabled children and adults simply skyrockets.  It warms the heart to know there are those out there in our world who see humanity for what it is, fragile, often broken, and in need of a helping hand.  When I watch them, it reminds me not to be so smug as to think I'm doing everything I can for others.  There is so much room in our world to do just some small thing for someone else.

Generosity comes at this time of year - Christmas, yes Christmas - not some obscure holiday that no one dares to name.  Generosity does not need to come in the form of the material goods that every TV station, every radio station, every mall literally shouts out at us, buy this, buy that, knock down the person next to you to get the latest toy that will be played with for what seems like a minute.

No, generosity can take the form of taking a minute to do something for someone that may never know it came from you.  We've heard lots of examples and, increasingly more of late, which is a blessing in today's war torn world.  I don't tweet but have heard about the hashtag I'll ride with you in support of Muslims afraid to take public transit.  How simple yet brilliant was that idea!?

Talking about generosity, I must tell you about our dinner experience last night.  About two weeks ago we received a call from a local restaurant asking when we'd like to book reservations.  Thankfully we know who was calling but still responded with a dumbstruck reaction since we hadn't planned any such dinner.  No, that's true we were told, but someone, unknown to the restaurant instructed them to call us to book a time for dinner - and the bill would be taken care of.  After much giggling and marvelling at who was behind this caper, we booked a time.  Needless to say the feeling was more than just a little flattering that someone would think of such an idea and keep it a secret from us and the restaurant.

We arrived for dinner and were told the manager, at that point, still had no idea who it was but was to open a note of instruction after the meal.  How fun is that?  We had ourselves convinced of who it was only to learn we were totally wrong!  As it turns out, we went to dinner on the 30th anniversary of me moving to Kingston, and my brother Andrew, who visited us that weekend in 1984, was the one who was behind this totally awesome gift.  If you think about it, it's one thing to be given a gift certificate for a birthday dinner and quite another to be led on a caper of mystique and intrigue.  I also must admit, that such a gift left us feeling very, very special and honoured.  Neither us nor the restaurant had ever had such an experience before so it was most fun for all of us!  Thanks Andy!!!!!

I'm pleased to say that both of the lingering projects I got myself involved in have now concluded including debriefings for both!  Isn't that a nice way to 'wrap up' the year.  I learned a couple of things as a result of following through to the final completion.  Another so simple yet seemingly brilliant idea popped into my head as such things do and make me feel like a bowl of Rice Krispies having freshly poured milk over me!

 I'd really like to know where some of these ideas were hiding when they really could have made life easier when working.  As many of you probably do, I kept an email folder for each event and simply dumped all correspondence into the folder once dealt with.  From there, in preparation for the debrief, I simply reviewed the email folder, pulled out issues that had come up during the planning process and used those as input for the debrief, thus making sure comments were much more objective than had I simply read the input form, thought off the top of my head which is what I normally do and jot down a few vaguely remembered points.  A new approach leaving a much greater sense of completion.  Best part of it?  Delete the entire folder!

When I told Mike I was careful not to commit to next year, he chuckled before proceeding to share his observation on my behaviour when it comes to events and activities.  Who is this new Mike who is willing to share his thoughts and ideas like never before?  What did he see in me you ask?  He sees someone who views their role similar to the starter at a race track.  There's great energy in the air, anticipation and enthusiasm.  They're at the post, waiting to burst onto the track and head for the finish line.  What I seemingly love to do, he says, is pull the trigger on the starting gun.  Incredulous, I asked if he thought I followed through to the finish line.  Calmly he replied, 'no, you've lost interest by then' because you're already off to the next race to generate enthusiasm and excitement, get everyone worked up, pull the trigger and move on to the next start.  There are just so many races to start!

It's an interesting concept to ponder.  Funny how I'm learning all these things about myself when the impact on my day to day life is seemingly less important.  But is it?  I don't know.  All I can do is stay open to how my life will continue to be shaped in ways that I can live every day to the fullest.

It's only fitting to finish off with a thought or two on Christmas, how this time of waiting, expectation and preparation needs to be the focus however possible in the midst of the frantic rushing around trying to fill stockings and purchase the perfect gift especially for those people who never seem to get around to making a list.  These people seem to have some irrational, subliminal urge to create panic for those hoping to create the perfect Christmas for family and friends.

Have you thought about or had family conversations about your Christmas traditions?  How do our loved ones view this time of  year?  When's the last time you made a conscious decision to reduce the stress of the season?  What did you do?  What did you change?  I had a conversation with my stepson Gabe yesterday to learn his views on Christmas.  Not surprisingly, we feel very similar emotions about the whole gift giving concept since he is not materialistic and I have become far less so in recent times.  Mike and I had a further conversation to compare our views which, not surprisingly are a little different from one another.  Something we did agree upon given our multi layered blended family, there are lots of nuances to be aware of and different family traditions to respect.

 My hope would be to transition toward a greater appreciation for 'the reason for the season', celebrating the birth of Jesus as though it were happening each and every year and not simply thought of as some long ago historical story.

When my next post comes around, we will have seen Christmas come and go and I wish you only joy.  I wish you all that you hope for as it relates to your family, your health, your friends and loved ones.  I wish you a few moments of quiet reflection, to truly appreciate how wonderful our lives are, regardless of our challenges.  As I've said before, when we're at our weakest, those are the times that we are closest to God.  Walk in faith, trusting that our lives are unfolding exactly as they are meant to in keeping with God's will.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.......until next time.
Hugs and God Bless,

Liz
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive' 

Simplifying Life: Clearing the Mental Clutter

As we head into the season that is meant to be one of joy, waiting, preparation and expectation, it seems that almost everyone everywhere lets the secular world pull them into the frenzy of commercialism that is rampant everywhere.  I think of some of the commercials on TV of blinking lights and self propelling noisy toys that can drive one to distraction when all that's desired is time for quiet reflection.

I have absolutely no desire to scour the malls to pick out that perfect gift for every grandchild - we are up to 7 and one on the way and I believe they all have far too many playthings to have another holiday heaping even more on them.  We all talk about how they'd rather play with the box anyway but do we do anything about it?  Maybe, maybe not.

For three of the younger kids, their birthday presents were tickets to see Toopy & Binoo live at the theatre here in Kingston.  Nice part is that they have been talking about it and looking forward to it since July/August when all three celebrated their birthdays and continue to look forward to the show which is on December 21st.

I agree, I didn't know who Toopy & Binoo were either and have some catching up to do.  The hope with this type of gift is that they may file a little memory in their minds of a time with parents that was exciting and fun along with a sense of bonding and togetherness not achievable by any volume of plastic toys.

I'm not sure how all that just came spilling out like water from a fountain, but clearly must have been on my mind as I wrestle with what I will do about the whole notion of Christmas gift giving.  Since starting on my adventures in the land of prayer and medicine, material things have become far less appealing and in fact, quite burdensome. I've talked before about the purging and am heading into the next phase as a result of an exchange Mike and I had recently.

During the Nativity Exhibition Project planning and meetings, a discussion came up about making the little wooden creches that were to be supplied to school children.  Some nuance in my voice must have alerted Mike as he quickly commented 'You are NOT going to start making the creches'.  How does he do that?!  After 10 years of being together he's getting to be a pretty good mind reader.  Instead he accurately suggested that before I start ANY new projects, I was to consider finishing any number of those that I'd already started.

 His words resonated with me on a much deeper level than I would have thought.  In fact, as a means to simplifying my life as I walk further into the garden of retirement I need to look at those activities that had previously been planted but then left laying fallow until I might decide to attend to and nurture into completion.  What a great way to bring order to a life that requires much more serenity than ever before.  Given that I feel relatively well, I can tend to forget that my body continues to work overtime to mend and rid itself of the cancer cells that continue to hover in my liver.  The last thing I need is the stress of self imposed deadlines (hmmm, maybe there's reason they're called "dead" lines - if you don't pay attention, they can kill you!) and new projects every time I hear about something interesting.

What next then you might ask?  First of all, it's finishing off and tying loose ends with a couple of events I allowed myself to get involved with.  Get the ducks lined up in such a way that next year anyone can take them and knock them off one by one.  No sense of complaining how things could be done better or what didn't happen he way it should of or could of, if you're not prepared to put pen to paper or finger to keyboard and make concrete suggestions for improvement.

Besides, inviting feedback from everyone involved gives them a greater sense of ownership and inclusion.  What gets done with the information thereafter is not to be my monkey to carry around and feed for the coming year.

From there, I plan to pull together memory books for each deceased member of our immediate family.  All I can say about that is thank goodness there aren't too many of them!  My first husband Rick, my Dad, my Mother.  I have already dismantled all but about 3 photo albums and plan to further reduce the volumes of collectibles by creating collages of pictures that are cropped to leave the wide expanses of bland background on the cutting floor and focus on the subjects in the photos.

An interesting point is that, as I've been talking about this particular project with family and friends, they have provided input that has helped shape the nature of what I will do and simplified my typical overcomplicating ideas that often stall me into 'paralysis by analysis'.  Thanks to everyone for their suggestions.



A couple of years ago I bought a sewing machine in a yard sale as it appears to be a heavier duty one than my table top portable Singer.  Without the manual and unable to get one downloaded from the internet, I visited the local sewing machine store and plan to go and have him give me a lesson in using the newer one.

 There are squares of fabric that have been cut out for well over 10 years that I have been planning to make into a quilt of some kind for my son Matt.  Maybe next Christmas, he'll actually receive the finished product which will be made from remnants of his father's favourite clothes.  Could I have accomplished this project with my 35+ year Singer machine you ask?  Of course, but that would take away the excuses!  I am now looking forward to getting underway and working on it.  One of my ongoing blog 'critics' commented how I bring up procrastination on a fairly regular basis.  Well this new found, self imposed limitation of taking on new challenges seems to be helping me clear my mental clutter and take a look back on all those things I've been meaning and wanting to do.   But I had gotten in the habit of just taking on more and more and letting some of the things that were truly important to me, end up cast aside while I busied myself with taking on the important projects of others.  Now isn't that way to build up a heaping level of internal resentment without even necessarily being aware of it!

OK, a couple of examples of projects are likely all you can take and if I still have your attention, let's move on to other topics that have influenced my thoughts and emotions over the past couple of weeks.

On the advice of my surgeon and my physiotherapist, I decided at the beginning of November to invest a little further into my physical well being by joining the Y to use the pool.  It has been recommended as one of the best ways of stimulating physical activity with the least impact on my joints and organs given the extra work they have to do these days with Maggie on board.  In order to prepare for my new adventure I had a meeting with myself to review all the potential objections that I would come up with as a means of not participating on any regular basis.

What were those objections, do you ask?

Starting in November, it's cold, so dress warmly.  Check, short hair, scarf keep things warm and dry.  I must have a private area where I can change as for some reason, the awkward teenager comes to mind who was not comfortable in her own skin to change in front of others.  Check, private change rooms.  Showers are hot.  Check, learned that having a hot shower before going into the pool makes it much easier even though the pool water is much cooler. - counter intuitive but works like a charm.   Not overcrowded.  Check, no need to immediately start taking aqua fit classes, just go and do what you're comfortable with.  If there are 6 people in the public swim section of the pool, it's crowded.  Jane, friend and aqua fit instructor met me after a class to review the most effective activity for my situation.  Make it really easy to get dressed after.  Check, loose clothes and minimal layers - 15 minutes from pool to car.  What has really surprised me is how much I have been enjoying the water and feeling very much like when we go on a long motorcycle ride and my mind can simply wander freely and with tranquility.  No joint aches, movement is unencumbered, free and easy.  One of the best outcomes is how mellow I feel afterward.  It seems to be having a much more positive impact on my disposition than I would ever have anticipated.

I feel like I am able to approach so many things lately with a sense of calmness and serenity that would previously escape me like an elusive hummingbird, here one second and gone the next.  We watched a program where a former NHL goalie was interviewed about a life threatening injury that stole his hockey career in the blink of an eye.  What he emphasized though, was not the physical injury, but rather the deep and severe depression as a result, much that had been buried deep within but came to the surface after his recovery and how it was 1000 fold more painful than any physical pain.

 In certain ways I can relate to his view.  While I don't believe I've gone into any full blown depression on my adventures, there have been times before and since, where, with the right frame of mind, the inner strength and sense of well being, I can take on pretty much anything.  As I've said before, I pretty much sailed through the physical challenges of the rabbit holes I found myself in over the last couple of years.  It's much easier to deal with since I have faith that whatever is happening is happening for good reason.  I may not be aware of why even in this lifetime but so be it and we'll see where it takes us in the next life.  What has been important though, is to surround myself with support systems that work for me.  That includes many things related to my Catholic faith like mass during the week as I feel up to it, daily bible reading, praying the rosary and attending development sessions so I can better understand the faith that I was born into and have chosen to follow.  Monthly spiritual direction helps me to continue my growth and learning which of course will never stop. It's more like going through a door to something new, only to find before long that there is another door to open as the progression continues.
We have seen social workers and counsellors and I continue to see a psychiatrist who I mentioned earlier - he also happens to be a cancer specialist. I must say though, that the balance between having support systems AND having a physically active routine, within one's own limitations is the secret to coping with so many things.

I can't resist sharing one other tactic that I've just implemented to help simplify life.  It's so simple it's brilliant and I have no idea why I didn't think of it sooner.  I guess like anything else you don't know what you don't know and you don't necessarily 'get things' just because someone has told you over and over.  There is a fair bit of organizing when Matt (my son) gets Ella (his daughter) for a weekend and so far I've been working hard at holding back, not inserting myself, and, in an effort to be helpful, taking charge (imagine that!)  He's been tap dancing around his work schedule, Ella's mom, his girlfriend and of course me, his mom, who thinks she knows exactly what should happen in everyone's lives if they would just do things my way!!!! And oftentimes everyone is scrambling at the last minute to fit or adjust plans so things work for everyone.  Anyway couple of visits ago,  for some reason I told Matt ahead of time by a week or more what our schedule was for the weekend he had Ella.  Simple right? I really can't tell you how much that simple gesture has helped, at least for us, in terms of these visits because Matt will frequently work one shift during Ella's visit so that she gets some dedicated grandma and grandpa time.  The other simple thing I've done is to use the grandkids' visits as a trump card for any other plans.

Since my energy levels are not what they used to be, and I've declared the grandkids a priority, well if anything comes up when we have plans with them, not likely going to happen.  By now you might be rolling your eyes or shaking your head that I find these actions so eye opening, but you know, when your natural inclination is to be a people pleaser, it can sometimes be difficult to impossible to set your priorities and stick with them by saying no to others.  Too many years of turning oneself inside out, getting twisted like a giant pretzel trying to fit everything in when all it may have taken was  polite but firm "No" or "Not this time" or "Perhaps some other time".  It's only now that God has granted me time and space to reflect, am I able to start seeing life for what it is.  For what MY life is and what I want it to be about.

As the season of Advent is upon us, the challenge is to find the space and time to wait peacefully, expect joyfully and be open to the real Reason for the Season.

 I'm learning that the quieter I seem to get, the less I keep myself busy, the more capacity I have to be open to God's hints in what His plan is for my life.  I'll share an example of that some other time.  For now, I'll say, thanks for taking the time to share in my thoughts and I welcome your feedback anytime.  I understand that this blog doesn't seem to allow comments but I just found a list of comments that I didn't know existed, so thanks to all of you who have posted input.  One day when I'm feeling technically competent I may look at the site again to see if I can amend it to accept comments.

Take care and keep your heart and mind open to what is really important to you this Christmas season. God Bless,

Hugs
Liz
"Gifts wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".