Committing to Life and Living in the Midst of Death and Dying

Do you ever have those times when you'd made a commitment to do something, even something you were looking forward to doing, only to find yourself unable to follow through, or simply not wanting to do it when the time comes?  Never?  Really?  If you haven't, please share your secret as it seems to show up in my life on a regular basis.  To the point where when we organize a gathering at our house, we don't even ask for a RSVP because I don't want others to feel like I do, the day comes and I don't want to go. Never mind that once I go, I always have a good time.  We simply encourage people to do whatever suits them when the time comes.  You might wonder how we possibly organize around such plans but it has worked for a number of years now.  One thing I'd never do again though is to host an open house such as when we moved into our current home, for the entire weekend!  Yup, you've got it - the entire weekend!  Two crazy friends showed up with pyjamas and sleeping bags.  We still laugh over that one.

Maybe there's something hard wired into me about making commitments which, once made, cannot be unmade.  Having lived much of my life doing everything everyone else wants me to do may have laid the groundwork for this narrow minded thinking.  What I didn't prepare for was the agitation that comes with it.  Make commitment, time gets closer, wonder why I'd made it in the first place, all the while my brain going back and forth like a washing machine.  Go, don't want to, don't go, but I said I would, just go, oh why did I say I'd go, don't go, oh but I really should, don't go then, oh but I said I would......  I didn't really expect these contortions to go on in my ever shrinking world since leaving full time work.  What's coming to light is I'm learning about my own personality from the inside.

Early in January I had expressed interest in a certain volunteer activity which, at the time, sounded like it would be worthwhile and make a positive difference in the lives of others.  Just one tiny problem with it - I had forgotten to put it on my calendar.  No time allotted for agitation.  It took all I had not to jump in the car and race to the activity to fulfil my commitment.

With great restraint I took a giant step back to my last post where I had learned 10 weeks for 10 days.  Little did I know it was helping create a new framework for decision making and fulfilling commitments.  I gently reminded myself I am still in recovery from my hospital stay.  I reminded myself gently I am still in the throes of active chemotherapy.  I gently reminded myself there were other priorities needing attention.  With a renewed sense of inner peace (great for our physical healing as we both know) I was able to decline participation in the activity without feelings of guilt or anxiety.  As my world continues to slow down,  many things are making more sense, and my eyes are open every day to see small opportunities to make a difference.

I awoke last Saturday to learn a former neighbour of ours had passed away very suddenly at home. The greater shock was this was the same neighbour family who came to my aid the day my first husband Rick died at home very suddenly fifteen years ago.  At the time, their 16 year old son came to help me even before the ambulance arrived.  The mom of the family came and sat with me in her housecoat all the while the ambulance team was desperately attempting resuscitation without success.   It was all sounding very surreal to learn a few more details surrounding this friend's passing.  I called ahead, then went for a visit knowing how close a bond and connection we still had after all these years.  After all, such life (and death) moments become engraved on our hearts and minds forever.  We were able to share so much, she finding comfort in being able to talk with someone who truly knew what it was like; she'd after all been witness to my suffering, that Sunday morning years before.  One of the first things she spoke of was an incredible wonder at how people who had no faith dealt with such tragedies.  We've always had our faith, she and I, and were able to desperately hold on to that faith in the midst of one of life's major storms.  She took great comfort in knowing he didn't suffer, and experienced peace believing God had preplanned the day He would take her husband home, despite him being the picture of fitness and good health.  I had the chance to express sympathy to her son, now 31 who, like us, recalled the eerily similar circumstances of our past.  

From my morning visit, I arrived home only to immediately leave to attend a Celebration of Life for the son of one of Mike's former coworkers, who I also knew, separately from Mike.  This young man, at the prime of life, at age 34, my own son's age, had suffered life threatening crises throughout his relatively short lifetime.  Without going into details, he had made his own decision to be allowed to go in peace.  It must have been gratifying for his parents and sister to witness the huge turnout of people who care and wanting to extend their condolences.  Several young fellows spoke about their friend, giving those of us who didn't know him well, a glimpse of the fullness of life he lived despite constant threats lurking in the shadows.   I noticed a woman close by who I was sure I knew, but not from this setting.  Where might I know her from?  Do I let it go and leave the question unanswered?  The urge overtook me and I approached her and simply asked her name.  Aha!  We did know one another but hadn't seen or spoken to one another in a few years.  This too, was a little nudge from Holy Spirit to act.  Don't just be a spectator in life, get in and get involved.  I learned there was a family connection to the young man whose life we were honouring, very different from how I knew her.  We had a wonderful chat and chance to catch up a little bit.  Our former connection has gone and after all, who knows how long it might be before our paths cross again?  On a positive note, I received an email from her only yesterday and so now we can at least be in contact electronically.  Hmmm, what might God have in store for us?  It's these small, daily interactions which produce the threads of enrichment in our lives, allowing us to relive fond past memories and hope for gentle surprises in the future as long as we remain open.

It's by remaining open, including our eyes and our ears, rather than head down, blinders on like a race horse on the track with only one thing in focus, the finish line.  No, our lives are meant to include many mosaics of experiences criss crossing and made ever stronger through the relationships we weave into our own tapestry of life.  It's up to us to figure out how we can make the most of the time we have here on earth and one of the things I'm coming to appreciate is how central God is to my own time here.  And, of course, His Son, Jesus Christ.

All the best, until next time,

Hugs and God Bless

Good News, Good Advice and a 'Sweet' Story

You may be wondering what good reason I've come up with to postpone another post to these adventures.  Well, it's not really a 'good' reason.  After all, I was prepared to have it ready to go before the 15th of the month, being my self imposted goal.

It has everything to do with a remark from a long time nurse on what my Dad could expect when he went home from hospital after a 2 week stay at KGH.  Let this one sink in for a moment:  For every day in bed (hospital), you must give yourself a full week to recover.  Pardon???
Definitely a wise comment for those of us action oriented individuals who feel like we've layed around long enough while unwell.  We cannot, in fact, return home with any sort of expectation of picking up where we left off.  It takes time to recover.  Lots of time.

Fast forward to the last couple of months having spent a full ten days in hospital from mid to almost end of November.  Ok, that's simple math, ten weeks for ten days.  Are you kidding me?  You mean from November 24th I have 10 weeks to look forward to convalescing and being kind to myself?!?!  All the way to the first of February?  Well, what I can tell you is from the time I returned home until now, it's been a time of slow motion, lots of cat naps, some days more like Rip Van Winkle, wondering just how much time I needed to give in to sleeping.  Reminder alert - ten weeks for ten days - ok, pressure's off, we're only at eight weeks, 2 more to go.  Listen to your body.  In summary, a sound advice from a sage nurse who's seen her share of patients head home expecting they can  simply pick up where they left off.  The result? A slam dunk into deep fatigue and possibly even depression from the aftermath of their illness.  It's been  a gentle reminder for me, like a warm fuzzy blanket rather than a whack on the head reminding me I'm still recovering.  

All of this said without even touching on the fact I am in the midst of chemo treatment. It brings its own side effects, trampling on my immune system like those mud slides in California.  And I'm one of the lucky ones who can get through treatments without feeling the torrents of many of those negative reactions.  

Yesterday I was given the news about the results of the CA125 marker.  You may remember it's called a 'tumour marker', just one of the tests used to measure the effectiveness of chemo. A repeat of earlier discussions I've shared to remind us the average person's CA125 should be around 35.  When this round of adventures began mid summer and onward, at some point a decision was made to do the CA125 blood test to determine in one way where we are in my case.  Apparently it was over 1600!  Yesterday was the first time I heard that result.  From then, whenever 'then' was, to now, yesterday, the CA125 had dropped to 114!  Miraculous?  Sort of I guess.  After all we've only completed two cycles of chemo and starting the third tomorrow out of a total of six.  No wonder I'm feeling better overall.  Maybe that's why I've been so sleepy much of the time.  It's been restorative sleep, helping my body rebound from yet another overgrowth of weeds in my internal garden!

I'm not sure if I've mentioned the referral to a social worker through my family doctor to discuss the challenges I'd been experiencing with constant rumination about the 'permanence' of my illness.  Mike and I attended one session prior to our Pilgrimage  and I followed up with a second session on my own after our return.  It was with a light heart I could share her intervention was no longer required thanks to the conversation I'd had with God about His plans, my healing and final outcomes. I explained how, well into our trip, I'd concluded and discussed with God how if healing my body wasn't in His plan, that's ok.  If that's the case, then please heal my spirit in order that I can deal with whatever is to come.  He listened, and, I believe it worked.  Whether some miraculous healing is still in store for me, that's great and if not, that's ok.  I'm feeling so much better overall.  Hey, maybe that's partly why I'm sleeping so much.  Recovering from the release of the weight (mentally and physically) I'd been carrying around for a very long time, wondering what the future might hold.  All that, despite my constant efforts to make the best of my situation every day. Hmmmm, perhaps underlying worry I was repressing.
When the social worker mentioned I'd been dealing with my situation with dignity and humility I felt like she'd read my Personal Mission Statement written five years ago where I mentioned "...if this is my cross to bear, may I do so with Humility, Dignity and Grace."  To hear someone say the words out loud made me feel like I'd passed a long term exam.

Lots of positive affirmation in recent weeks includes a comment from Brooke, our stepdaughter (I only say step for context) and mom of three of our grandkids, Ayden 9, Azlyn, 7 and Matilda 3.  She told me she has never talked to the kids about Grandma being sick or having cancer.  They have never questioned the physical changes or asked me or their mom about it.  As much as they knew, I'd hurt my back at one point and had to be careful with picking them up.  Never though, had they commented on weight gain, hair loss or other changes in appearance.  Isn't that wonderful, how many children don't notice the outward changes but do notice the internal ones.  
A little comment from Azlyn one day warmed my heart immensely when she quietly told me how kind she thought I was.  Aaahh, how sweet is that?  
Another granddaughter, Ella, our six year old came right out asking me how my health was, followed immediately by 'Do you have cancer?'  Believing in giving the honest answer I replied I do have cancer, she acknowledged knowing about it as a little girl from school was bald and just as quickly went on to other subjects of interest.  A short, honest, simple answer was all that was required for this little inquisitive mind.

God Winks have been sprinkled over the past couple of weeks like icing sugar on a freshly baked donut.  Since I'm tending to be long winded today, I will only share a couple which come to mind.  
I stopped in to have some sewing work done lately,  earlier than I'd expected as a previous meeting ended early.  While there a woman came in, who, after a few moments became very familiar to me, to the point I suggested her name 'Rosemarie?', no, oh, well, um 'Karen?', she nodded, then I mentioned her maiden last name.  After a few blinks we realized who each other was, even though we hadn't spoken to one another for many years.  I became closer friends with her and her late husband during the last few months of his life suffering, and dying from, ALS.  Only recently I've connected with a former neighbour whom I haven't spoken to in years to learn she has been diagnosed with ALS.  True God Winks, each of which need to have their own dot on my virtual white board and I'm to remain open to how I might make the connection Holy Spirit has presented.

You may have heard about the visit to Kingston from a group representing a relic of St. Francis of Xavier last week in Kingston.  I had no plans to go down to St. Mary's to view the relic until a close friend called to see if I was going.  Her husband suggested it, mentioning I would most probably be going, leading her to call me which tipped my decision maker to yes and agreeing to meet there.  As it turned out, none of us had plans to go, but in the end, all three of us went and were pleased to have done so.  I thanked Holy Spirit for leading us there and learned St. Francis was a roommate of one of my 'Heroic Saints', St. Ignatius of Loyola.  This may not seem like a big deal, hardly worth mentioning, but it's the type of example I've learned to be mindful of and following God's plan for my days.  Little samples like those I've mentioned help me to remain open to the surprises I can enjoy every day, spending time in ways I wouldn't have thought of otherwise.

The last one for today is meeting with a fellow I hadn't seen for a long time, but met after one of the Healing Masses at St. Mary's.  I've talked about our chance meeting before and how we agreed we would get together after one such mass to catch up.  It was planned for January 5th.  The night before, my mind was going around in circles whether to go; oh it's too cold; oh do I even want to go out; you can go any other first Friday of the month; just send him and email and postpone, and on and on it went.  I got up Friday morning and decided it was Satan who was needling away at me not to go, as I learned later.

I met up with my new friend, after mass and over lunch mentioned I wanted to ask him about an individual connected to Queen's.  He just looked at me and said she was an old friend of his.  Bingo, no wonder Satan didn't want us to connect.  We just might be able to do some evangelizing together by having further conversations and discussion.  I learned quickly how he works with Queen's students to figure out what paths they might take as their education and life unfolds.  I'm guessing sort of like a high school guidance counsellor?  As it turns out, he uses his role to encourage students to think about and figure out what life means to them.  Not so much from a work/life perspective but from the greater perspective of creation, spirituality and belief systems.  What a refreshing discussion to have!!!

In closing I want to share one of the cutest stories I've heard in a long time.  I have a couple of very dear friends at the Sisters of Providence of St. Vincent de Paul.  It's such a blessing to have them in my life for over twenty years now.  For many of those years, they have been the recipients of my 'secret weapon', that being homemade peanut brittle.  I've learned they share it among their housemates to some extent so several bags of candy are delivered at Christmas and birthdays.  Over time, many have commented to my friends how much they enjoy the sweets on those special occasions.  What I learned this year is at Christmas, each sister writes on a piece of paper, what they'd like for Christmas.  One nun, who is 99 years old, wrote a single item on her paper "Peanut Brittle"!
Recently they shared a little more about the candy.  As news is spread about the arrival of treats, word reaches the recreation room and the race is on.  Their 99 year old Sister is the first to arrive as her room is so close by!  You can see and hear the reactions of many!  This tidbit was shared with us as a way to show what pleasure and joy such a simple gesture brings to many.  I thought it might bring a smile to you as well.  On that note, I'll sign off until next time.....

Take care and God Bless,

Hugs,
Liz

dobbsjones@gmail.com

"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."

Continued Hope upon Hope

Here we are into 2018, barely but it's like someone wiped out the Christmas festivities by submerging us into a quick freeze, leaving us wondering if February is typically the coldest month, what will we have this year?  

As I rub the frost off the rearview mirror of my mind to take a small look at the past couple of weeks, it's filled with a much more quiet and calm holiday season for a number of reasons.  

Santa was good, listening carefully to us all singing in agreement of how we just don't 'need' anything.  Reduce the spending, pick names, do we really need stockings? and other materialistic decisions wafting through the air like a turkey bursting at the seams with homemade stuffing and juices for the best ever gravy.

Did we make any final decisions?  No, but at least we talked about it and with all 'kids' now over the age of 21 (pick any number suiting your situation), we can have adult conversation.  Somehow I think the stockings, if all else was taken away, might be the last cling on to Christmas' past hold on our childhood.  Even though I said no more stockings, if we really say what we mean, mean what we say and do what we say we're going to do (Barbara Coloroso, Former Nun and Child Psychologist), the reduction in overall gifts might just leave room for more interesting and thoughtful stockings.  Hmmm, another 11 months to think about it.  After all, this year I didn't feel well enough to go out and get the usual stuffers of sweets, toothpaste and floss, yet a combination of greater maturity on the kids' part and innovative pursuit of interesting stocking stuffers made this year's the best yet.  Funny how, as they grow into adulthood, the kitchen gadgets become most interesting by their own admission.

On that note though, if we choose to go the route of Secret Santa or picking names, I suggested we might do it now rather than waiting until the end of the year.  The reason being, it gives us all the space to be mindful and listen more carefully to the conversations we have with our chosen recipient. Great idea! 

On a sad note, this Christmas was preceded by the loss of my brother in law, Jeff Dobbs who we learned passed away on December 18th in Hamilton, after a short hospital stay, leaving his brother Kirk the last one standing in their nuclear family.  Earlier this year we'd lost their sister Sue to which Jeff had remarked how he'd wished it was him rather than Sue.  Sadly, he got his wish before the year was out.  Perhaps Jeff, Rick, Sue and their parents, Jack and Helen were all together celebrating the New Year together as they watch over us from on high.  With no immediate plans for a funeral or memorial service, each of us could grieve quietly and acknowledge one another in a truly heartfelt and sincere way.  Do I feel badly for not having made a more proactive effort to keep in contact, even if by text?  Perhaps, but I can overcome that age old behaviour by remembering how touched Jeff was when I sent him many photographs of his sister Sue's Celebration of Life.  We were able to accommodate him 'in his own time and in his own way' since he simply could not attend in person.  Rest in Peace Jeff. xo

I gotta tell you, this blog post crept up on me like a cat on an unsuspecting mouse.  As we sat relaxing yesterday, out of the blue I realized I'd better sharpen my fingers and clear the fog from my brain before inviting Holy Spirit in for another ride along the path of Adventures in Prayer and Medicine.  A few months ago, I set up a new folder called 'Blog Fodder', with a view to sharing interesting tidbits from here, there and everywhere.  One of my regular followers always seems to have something to say which really does make me LOL.  Here's a recent comment:

"You brought to mind that the annual church pilgrimage to Lourdes was a must for my mom and dad for many years. They always looked forward to it with great anticipation.
Regarding lashing out, now and again, and feeling sorry for oneself, that's cool and understandable. Even the Big Guy  did it occasionally-remember the temple?'
(Okay, now this next line I'm sure is not literal.  After all our generation did grow up watching Wiley E. Coyote get blown up, knocked off cliffs, plane crashes and any other means of annihilation without suffering any permanent damage)
'I tend to give my cat a good kick. Works for both of us- I receive instant gratification and she anticipates extra special kitty treats as my penance, after she comes out from hiding behind the sofa, a few hours later."

If it didn't make you laugh, that's ok, I laughed for both of us because I don't automatically jump to the conclusion this individual is abusive to animals, only on paper!  I took it for the good natured context of the comment rather than leaping onto my high horse of 'everything correctness to the extreme.'  That's a discussion for another day.....

I'd like to close with another piece from my 'Blog Fodder' collection which is a saying by Chiara Lubich (fwd to me by a friend), "Serve without expecting anything in return.'

It's a simple statement, a well known phrase and a guiding principle in life.  In our ever evolving world though, how much is it really practiced anymore?  My guess is much more than we might ever think.  Sadly, many of those at the top of our echelons of power appear to be self serving, egotistical and selfish which I suppose its open for debate.  By making this comment I'm stepping out onto a steel girder of opinion at the top of a naked high-rise where even the slightest gust of opposing winds can knock me off into space.  If we were to truly collect each and every little good work, I'm sure it would fill our oceans with hope many times over in a short while.  Why?  How could I say that?  Remember the loudest boasters tend to be more full of hot air, and themselves than the humble, modest individuals who continue to do good works because it's the right thing to do.  As well, we all agree  'it's only bad news that sells papers' so how skewed has our media become?  I'm continuing to work on avoiding news stories which dwell on potentially made up hearsay rumoured to be the truth turned backwards, upside downs and inside out.  Whew.  Don't we all have much better things to focus our attention on.  Compare these comments to the gently snow which has been falling as I've been writing this morning.  It's hard to believe how through the accumulation of beautiful, individually perfect flakes can, once banded together create such a force to be reckoned with on any given day.  With that thought I'll leave you to ponder how each of us can think of just one way to 'serve without expecting anything in return.  

Take care, God Bless and hope to be back in a couple of weeks,

Hugs

Liz

dobbsjones@gmail.com

'Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive.'