November - A Month of Remembrance and Reflection

Well here I sit with my usual morning cup of tea and watching, for the first time this fall, the snow gently falling creating the first of many blankets of white that will cover the landscape of our lives.

Just a few short days ago, on what could be one of the warmest and brightest Remembrance Days, more Canadians than ever paused to give a heartfelt thanks to all those who had and have taken on the role of protecting our freedom and truly 'standing on guard for Thee'.

My brother Andrew - most call him Andy but I just can't - has spent most of his adult life either in active duty or involved in some other way with the military.  I remember over the years hearing about his escapades in training exercises, spending days in the wilderness or jumping out of planes all in the name of readiness in the event they were called to defend our country in a real and tangible way.  I have to admit there was a small part of me that thought 'must be nice to go to work and play every day'.  In recent weeks that thought has been wrenched from the recesses of my mind in acknowledgement of the true purpose of what seemed to me like play.

We discussed by email, the superb job carried out by Parliamentary Security in protecting the lives of those in their care.  My brother was adamant that they were simply carrying out their duties as they were trained to do without giving in to fear or mass confusion.  It is specifically for incidents such as October 22nd at our nation's capital for which so much of the training goes on.  Should reality strike, as the real threat that was experienced, those responsible for our safety automatically went into the mode they've been practicing for all these years.

It allows them to detach from the emotion of the situation and take their roles to a new level of expertise.  I must admit somewhat sheepishly that all that 'play' that I have thought was going on all this time, is truly a remarkably forward thinking strategy to provide for the safety of the general public as well as those providing that safety.

Taking a step back, to November 1st specifically, we enter the month remembering those of our own families who have passed on, with what is known in the Christian World as All Saints Day.  At our church a table is placed in the entrance way where people can place remembrance cards or other momentos in memory of a lost one and record in a book, the name of those they wish to remember.

 I happen to believe that our departed loved ones can communicate with us, if we are simply open to the signs and messages however they may come to us.  Too many movies and tv shows have disparaged what can be a very special, intimate moment that brings us closer to God.  I'm not sure I'm quite ready to openly share the experiences I've had in my own life but perhaps at a future time, some stories may find their way to the written page.

One example that comes to mind that I am prepared to share is from when my Dad passed away in 2004.  A colleague whose Dad had also died around the same time, would come by and we'd share a cup of tea and reminisce about life as it was and as it used to be.  One particular day is like a Kodak moment in my mind.  But first, I must provide a little background.  My brother lives in North Bay, had been to Kingston to visit Dad and said his good byes.  While I wasn't really certain of the arrangement, Dad and Andrew had agreed he was not coming back in response to a medical emergency which, given Dad's worsening heart failure, could be a fairly regular occurrence.

I did continue to be called, and, day or night rushed down to KGH in preparation for 'the worst'.  This went on for some time, including the night before right at dinner so we packed things up, grabbed a bottle of wine and headed down.  On arrival we learned that Dad had stabilized and was actually doing quite well.  Given his improvement I couldn't resist giving him a few sips of wine which he thoroughly enjoyed being the European gentleman that he was. (wow and I got this picture off the internet, I'd swear it was my dad!)

The next morning yet another call, so down we went, fully expecting the usual routine.  What I was not prepared for was to arrive and learn that Dad had passed away within the previous hour.   To say I was devastated was an understatement as I was fully convinced he would wait for my arrival.  Yes, I believe people have some ability to choose when they go despite the day being set and who will be with them when they make their exit.  So who was with Dad you might wonder?  Well, it was Andy, his male nurse who took wonderful care and felt terrible that he hadn't called sooner.  My consolation of course was that Dad was 'not alone'.

Back to our cup of tea in the very busy cafe of the hospital, talking about our Dads when Andy the nurse, walked by on his way for his break.  Every time I saw Andy after Dad died I got a warm feeling inside and somehow a connection that will be there forever.  Within a few moments, all I can say is that a thought 'dropped into my head', which said "If you both couldn't be there, neither one of you could be there."
At that instant, any remorse or regret I had disappeared like fog on a hot sunny morning.

 Of course, why hadn't I thought of the fact that Dad tried ever so hard to treat us equally and so knowing my brother would not be there when he died, neither could I despite my expectations? Pondering that thought further, it would be so like Dad to say that death was one journey you must take on your own.  I have been comforted by that experience for 10 years now and can rely on the authenticity of the feeling.

Dad was 83 when he passed away having spent 83 days in hospital, one day for each year of his life.  And while it is the circle of life, the normal and expected pattern we hope to follow, it doesn't make the loss of a parent any easier at the time, in my opinion.  We can be as prepared as we want, but we are never ready for that final good bye.  It's just that, it's too final.  Even though we think we have said all that is to be said, shared all that is to be shared, the stark reality of the finality can be overwhelming.  The experience is made even more difficult when well intentioned people offer the proverbial condolences of 'they had a good life', 'they reached a good age', when in reality, because we'd had this person in our lives as long as we've been alive, it can make us miss them even more.  For those of you who have lost your last parent, are now genuine orphans, and have siblings, you might gain some insights from reading a book I found very helpful titled 'The Orphaned Adult' by Alexander Levy.

 It goes into depth about the changes in sibling dynamics after the last parent dies and how Western Society doesn't  give appropriate due to the loss of parents.  Rather, it's the typical 3-5 days bereavement leave and back on the hamster wheel when life is not like that in reality.

Needless to say I've thought a lot about my own mortality these past couple of years.  How will death come, will it be long and drawn out or simply like turning a page in a book and poof I'm gone (not likely but one can hope).  During one of these ponderings I discussed with myself the notion of what it might be like to be alive at the end of the world.  And, if given a choice, would I rather be alive when Jesus comes again or would I rather have died.  The reaction to my self imposed challenge was that I'd like to experience what everyone before me has been able to experience and not wonder for eternity what dying might be like. I'd like to be fully conscious and know what happened.   I realize by that point I could probably get the answer easily enough but would it be the same as going through the experience?  So I've concluded that in order to live a full and complete life I must also welcome the inevitable reality of dying, unless of course God has a different plan for me, which is totally ok too.

When I think about God and His plans for our lives, I remember a time when my son Matt and I were having the typical argument about his attending Mass with me on Sundays.  It felt so hypocritical to be in conflict just before or after attending church which is supposed to be deeply spiritual and gratifying to the soul.  Well this one day, I'd had enough of his 12-13 year old back talk and had a rant.  I told him that I had an obligation to provide him with some sort of religious foundation.  I told him that I didn't know what would happen in his life or when it would happen but that some day, sometime, something was going to happen and all that he would have to hang onto is his faith and that I owed it to him to provide that anchor (can you feel the emotion!!??).

 I still believe that despite his decision not to actively practice his faith and believe that life has already tested him more than once in that regard.

What then, do the millions of young people in our society do when they have no anchor?  What do they do or think or say in light of the seeming attraction of joining a group that demonstrates real interest in them with ulterior motives?  How vulnerable are they to the propaganda of playing soldiers in this age of violent video games and being lured by the inclusion of something bigger than themselves?  Is this extremist thinking?  Sure it is, but that's what's happening slowly but surely around us.  I had a wonderful rant from a blog reader who is incensed at how we, as a society, are feeling the obligation to 'sanitize' everything about Christmas and Christianity in an effort to be inclusive and respectful of other faiths.  It's high time we stood up for what we believe in, with tolerance and dignity marching forward united in our faith.  Wish people Merry Christmas and if they don't celebrate, let them express their own view and belief and we can all learn from each other.

I'd like to finish today's post with an image that came out of a discussion with my spiritual director.  As I've been slowing down and making more careful and self caring decisions about activities I will participate in, I've decided to change the image from being on a hamster wheel to riding a Merry Go Round.

After all, each ride is joyful and every time the ride stops, I can get off, watch it go round while I admiringly decide which beautifully decorated pony or other figure to ride on next.  This new environment is filled with beauty, music and lots of choices, none of which are urgent or mandatory.
Any time I decide to get back on the Merry Go Round it's from a place of attraction and gentle excitement looking forward to the next ride.  Have you got the ability to change your mental image from a hamster wheel to a Merry Go Round?  Or maybe you'd rather ride a roller coaster! But that brings with it a whole other image and round of pondering.

Take care, enjoy the balance of the month of November and we'll be back at the end of the month.....God willing.

Hugs
Liz
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".

A Time of Turning Leaves and Pages of Life

The changing of the leaves this fall have been nothing short of spectacular.  I looked up the cause since I've forgotten my Grade 7 or 5 Science  classes and it has something to do with photosyntheses, light and dark.  As Ella and I were driving to Grandma's house we marvelled at all the colours on the way.  At 3, she pointed out that the leaves changed colour because of the rain and I thought 'that works for me'.  Later that same day we went down to the playhouse that overlooks the creek in order to crank up the imagination.

We found a lovely, clean, new bucket in the garden shed, filled it from the hose and proceeded to make 'garden soup'.  It included apples about an inch in diameter, lots of grass, pulled fresh from the yard along with twigs and stems for extra flavour.   Admittedly the truth was that if we were to try the soup, it would taste 'yucky' but it was fun to make and wonder if the backyard residents might try it while it was simmering over the past couple of weeks.

After our Thanksgiving weekend survival series, I've made an effort to allow for additional self care and not let the calendar be filled with never ending activity.  As we headed toward the time change to 'fall back', it seems at times that emotions can fall back as well.  After all, for my son Matt, Thanksgiving was the last time he saw his Dad, 12 years ago and his last surviving grandparent (my Dad), 10 years ago, them having passed away on October 27th and October 17th respectively.  Mike's mom passed away 20 years ago on October 14th, the day after her birthday.  That makes the last two weeks of October somewhat of a melancholy and sensitive time.

This year also included several funerals which bring those former losses to the surface yet again.

That brings me to the notion of my own physical state and the whole issue of mortality.  I continue to remain stable and will decide, along with my oncologists, in January, when I might have another Cat Scan.  I know there are times I'm repeating myself so bear with me as I weave these facts into this post.  My last doctor's visit with my GP revealed that my weight gain seems to be levelling off - hallelujah - praise God! Since the end of July I've only gained 5 pounds whereas I'd been gaining an average of 7 pounds a month since last October.   I used to be 60 pounds lighter than my husband Michael, and now I weight 10 pounds more!  In my efforts to incorporate some physical exercise into my days, I am somewhat hampered by the rods attached to my spine to be able to bend backward and my belly blossom from bending forward - it's quite funny when you think of it.

What I'm not doing though, is actively dying. Every day I get up with a view to actively live without putting the pressure of constant busyness on my agenda.  In yet another recent reading, I read about how, it is in the ordinariness of daily living that we open ourselves to the grace of God to work through us.  It's almost a dichotomy that maybe the less we try to force ourselves to do, the greater the desired outcome that we will experience.

I'm still sort of convinced that God allowed me to experience these adventures - please note He did not cause them, a very important distinction - to help me get off the hamster wheel and have an opportunity to experience my life as I'm to live it, rather than the life I allowed in doing so many things that others wanted or asked me to do.  That sort of behaviour creates an imposter facade, where, in my efforts to do what everyone else expected, led to a loss of my own identity and left me wondering who I really am.  When I was at my top physical form 3-5 years ago and life was going very well, there continued to be a deep inner longing that nothing seemed to be able to fill.

The past two years has provided me the opportunity to explore what life is really all about and to give myself permission to do what I want to do - even if it means projects half finished.  More on that momentarily.  So you see this whole cancer thing - ok, I've said the word has allowed me to have adventures that otherwise would have been crowded out by the never ending list of must do's.

In recent weeks, I have been drawn into a project through our church that appears to have come at a very opportune time.  A tiny group of volunteers - 4 to be exact - have been working on evangelizing through the Nativity.  Tony, the founder and tireless leader has made inroads into the school system with the tenacity and passion of a true disciple.  What started with a request from a grade 2 teacher to help a class create Nativity sets to decorate, Tony has managed to build the concept to a place where it has become part of the Catholic school curriculum incorporating religion, art and technology.  Children get to glue together little Nativity sets and decorate them while learning about the story of Jesus and Bethlehem. In early December, one class is going to visit Providence Manor where the children will 'gift' their Nativity Project to the residents.  How sweet is that!?

The second concept within the Nativity Project is an exhibition to be held at our church, St. Paul the Apostle on Taylor Kidd Blvd in Kingston from November 21 - 23rd.

Tony has accumulated more than 300 Nativity sets and will be hosting an exhibition displaying more than 100 of his treasures.  The event is open to the public at no charge and several schools will have students attend as well.

At a time when those of us with Christian beliefs are being persecuted, especially in view of the recent events in Quebec and Ottawa, I felt very strong, confident and empowered when sending out invitations to the Nativity Exhibition.  While we are generally a tolerant and accepting people, welcoming diversity of culture and religion, we can no longer be doing it at the expense of our own views and beliefs.  We don't need to be marching in the streets or entering into conflict, but rather daring to share and be open about what we do believe.  I say that with the view that many of us might need to explore deep within ourselves what we do believe and why we might hesitate to be more open about it.

It's been a shocking time in the history of our nation and while Canada has participated in war and violence, for the most part, it's always been 'away' and we remained secure and comforted in our 'sleep hollow' sort of nation, insulated from the ravages of global conflict.  That changed dramatically  these past couple of weeks and who knows what the future holds in terms of our relative safety.

Providentially, a member of our congregation has organized a 24 hour prayer vigil overnight on November 7th to the morning of November 8th as a show of concern and support for all the victims of violence and war in the world.  There's little we can do, but we can pray.

Anyway, it's now November and the chill is in the air with many of us wondering just where the summer months went - was it the weather, were we all just preoccupied with life?

Who knows but here we are and may we take some time to pause, look around and discern what is really important and shift our priorities as we need to in order to live our lives as fully as we can rather than the lives in the shadow of the expectation of others.
 I'll leave that to your imaginings and musings.......

Until next time, take care and God Bless......
Hugs,
Liz
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the best gifts we can receive".