November - A Month of Remembrance and Reflection

Well here I sit with my usual morning cup of tea and watching, for the first time this fall, the snow gently falling creating the first of many blankets of white that will cover the landscape of our lives.

Just a few short days ago, on what could be one of the warmest and brightest Remembrance Days, more Canadians than ever paused to give a heartfelt thanks to all those who had and have taken on the role of protecting our freedom and truly 'standing on guard for Thee'.

My brother Andrew - most call him Andy but I just can't - has spent most of his adult life either in active duty or involved in some other way with the military.  I remember over the years hearing about his escapades in training exercises, spending days in the wilderness or jumping out of planes all in the name of readiness in the event they were called to defend our country in a real and tangible way.  I have to admit there was a small part of me that thought 'must be nice to go to work and play every day'.  In recent weeks that thought has been wrenched from the recesses of my mind in acknowledgement of the true purpose of what seemed to me like play.

We discussed by email, the superb job carried out by Parliamentary Security in protecting the lives of those in their care.  My brother was adamant that they were simply carrying out their duties as they were trained to do without giving in to fear or mass confusion.  It is specifically for incidents such as October 22nd at our nation's capital for which so much of the training goes on.  Should reality strike, as the real threat that was experienced, those responsible for our safety automatically went into the mode they've been practicing for all these years.

It allows them to detach from the emotion of the situation and take their roles to a new level of expertise.  I must admit somewhat sheepishly that all that 'play' that I have thought was going on all this time, is truly a remarkably forward thinking strategy to provide for the safety of the general public as well as those providing that safety.

Taking a step back, to November 1st specifically, we enter the month remembering those of our own families who have passed on, with what is known in the Christian World as All Saints Day.  At our church a table is placed in the entrance way where people can place remembrance cards or other momentos in memory of a lost one and record in a book, the name of those they wish to remember.

 I happen to believe that our departed loved ones can communicate with us, if we are simply open to the signs and messages however they may come to us.  Too many movies and tv shows have disparaged what can be a very special, intimate moment that brings us closer to God.  I'm not sure I'm quite ready to openly share the experiences I've had in my own life but perhaps at a future time, some stories may find their way to the written page.

One example that comes to mind that I am prepared to share is from when my Dad passed away in 2004.  A colleague whose Dad had also died around the same time, would come by and we'd share a cup of tea and reminisce about life as it was and as it used to be.  One particular day is like a Kodak moment in my mind.  But first, I must provide a little background.  My brother lives in North Bay, had been to Kingston to visit Dad and said his good byes.  While I wasn't really certain of the arrangement, Dad and Andrew had agreed he was not coming back in response to a medical emergency which, given Dad's worsening heart failure, could be a fairly regular occurrence.

I did continue to be called, and, day or night rushed down to KGH in preparation for 'the worst'.  This went on for some time, including the night before right at dinner so we packed things up, grabbed a bottle of wine and headed down.  On arrival we learned that Dad had stabilized and was actually doing quite well.  Given his improvement I couldn't resist giving him a few sips of wine which he thoroughly enjoyed being the European gentleman that he was. (wow and I got this picture off the internet, I'd swear it was my dad!)

The next morning yet another call, so down we went, fully expecting the usual routine.  What I was not prepared for was to arrive and learn that Dad had passed away within the previous hour.   To say I was devastated was an understatement as I was fully convinced he would wait for my arrival.  Yes, I believe people have some ability to choose when they go despite the day being set and who will be with them when they make their exit.  So who was with Dad you might wonder?  Well, it was Andy, his male nurse who took wonderful care and felt terrible that he hadn't called sooner.  My consolation of course was that Dad was 'not alone'.

Back to our cup of tea in the very busy cafe of the hospital, talking about our Dads when Andy the nurse, walked by on his way for his break.  Every time I saw Andy after Dad died I got a warm feeling inside and somehow a connection that will be there forever.  Within a few moments, all I can say is that a thought 'dropped into my head', which said "If you both couldn't be there, neither one of you could be there."
At that instant, any remorse or regret I had disappeared like fog on a hot sunny morning.

 Of course, why hadn't I thought of the fact that Dad tried ever so hard to treat us equally and so knowing my brother would not be there when he died, neither could I despite my expectations? Pondering that thought further, it would be so like Dad to say that death was one journey you must take on your own.  I have been comforted by that experience for 10 years now and can rely on the authenticity of the feeling.

Dad was 83 when he passed away having spent 83 days in hospital, one day for each year of his life.  And while it is the circle of life, the normal and expected pattern we hope to follow, it doesn't make the loss of a parent any easier at the time, in my opinion.  We can be as prepared as we want, but we are never ready for that final good bye.  It's just that, it's too final.  Even though we think we have said all that is to be said, shared all that is to be shared, the stark reality of the finality can be overwhelming.  The experience is made even more difficult when well intentioned people offer the proverbial condolences of 'they had a good life', 'they reached a good age', when in reality, because we'd had this person in our lives as long as we've been alive, it can make us miss them even more.  For those of you who have lost your last parent, are now genuine orphans, and have siblings, you might gain some insights from reading a book I found very helpful titled 'The Orphaned Adult' by Alexander Levy.

 It goes into depth about the changes in sibling dynamics after the last parent dies and how Western Society doesn't  give appropriate due to the loss of parents.  Rather, it's the typical 3-5 days bereavement leave and back on the hamster wheel when life is not like that in reality.

Needless to say I've thought a lot about my own mortality these past couple of years.  How will death come, will it be long and drawn out or simply like turning a page in a book and poof I'm gone (not likely but one can hope).  During one of these ponderings I discussed with myself the notion of what it might be like to be alive at the end of the world.  And, if given a choice, would I rather be alive when Jesus comes again or would I rather have died.  The reaction to my self imposed challenge was that I'd like to experience what everyone before me has been able to experience and not wonder for eternity what dying might be like. I'd like to be fully conscious and know what happened.   I realize by that point I could probably get the answer easily enough but would it be the same as going through the experience?  So I've concluded that in order to live a full and complete life I must also welcome the inevitable reality of dying, unless of course God has a different plan for me, which is totally ok too.

When I think about God and His plans for our lives, I remember a time when my son Matt and I were having the typical argument about his attending Mass with me on Sundays.  It felt so hypocritical to be in conflict just before or after attending church which is supposed to be deeply spiritual and gratifying to the soul.  Well this one day, I'd had enough of his 12-13 year old back talk and had a rant.  I told him that I had an obligation to provide him with some sort of religious foundation.  I told him that I didn't know what would happen in his life or when it would happen but that some day, sometime, something was going to happen and all that he would have to hang onto is his faith and that I owed it to him to provide that anchor (can you feel the emotion!!??).

 I still believe that despite his decision not to actively practice his faith and believe that life has already tested him more than once in that regard.

What then, do the millions of young people in our society do when they have no anchor?  What do they do or think or say in light of the seeming attraction of joining a group that demonstrates real interest in them with ulterior motives?  How vulnerable are they to the propaganda of playing soldiers in this age of violent video games and being lured by the inclusion of something bigger than themselves?  Is this extremist thinking?  Sure it is, but that's what's happening slowly but surely around us.  I had a wonderful rant from a blog reader who is incensed at how we, as a society, are feeling the obligation to 'sanitize' everything about Christmas and Christianity in an effort to be inclusive and respectful of other faiths.  It's high time we stood up for what we believe in, with tolerance and dignity marching forward united in our faith.  Wish people Merry Christmas and if they don't celebrate, let them express their own view and belief and we can all learn from each other.

I'd like to finish today's post with an image that came out of a discussion with my spiritual director.  As I've been slowing down and making more careful and self caring decisions about activities I will participate in, I've decided to change the image from being on a hamster wheel to riding a Merry Go Round.

After all, each ride is joyful and every time the ride stops, I can get off, watch it go round while I admiringly decide which beautifully decorated pony or other figure to ride on next.  This new environment is filled with beauty, music and lots of choices, none of which are urgent or mandatory.
Any time I decide to get back on the Merry Go Round it's from a place of attraction and gentle excitement looking forward to the next ride.  Have you got the ability to change your mental image from a hamster wheel to a Merry Go Round?  Or maybe you'd rather ride a roller coaster! But that brings with it a whole other image and round of pondering.

Take care, enjoy the balance of the month of November and we'll be back at the end of the month.....God willing.

Hugs
Liz
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".