So Long Summer...

Saying good bye to summer is so evident in the change of pace isn't it?  The calendars are filling to overflowing and those days that we thought we had lots of time have gone by in a flash.  Remember when summer used to actually become boring?

These days, by the time you plot all the invitations and activities, you realize you might have a couple of weekends to do, or not do, what you'd really like.  Oh my, it tires me out just thinking about the frantic pace.

I'd like to provide a brief recap of my medical adventures for anyone who is joining in more recently and may not be aware of what my new self appointed title really means - Adventurer in Prayer and Medicine.
In August 2012 I went in for a 'routine procedure', of no concern to anyone including the radiologists and surgeon, only to wake up having fallen down a rabbit hole of sizeable proportions.

Oh yes, the Big 'C', which was downplayed until the pathology report two weeks later announced the result reverberating in our ears like fingernails on a chalkboard - High risk endometrial cancer!!!!!! Spread to the cervix and ovary!!!!!! Radiation!!!!! Chemo!!!!!!
In the meantime a second surgery, six weeks after the first was needed to get the small bowel out of the way - how dare it get adhered to the pelvic wall after the first surgery.  And now it demanded its own little hammock to stay out of the way of the upcoming, planned assault of my pelvis and abdomen with direct beams that no one else would dare be remotely near as I was locked into 'the chamber'.
Other than a few minor setbacks, like a burst incision that required daily medical packing for about 6 weeks to heal from the inside - I always wondered what that was all about and really cannot fathom those individuals who perform such tasks with cheerful bliss while I'm feeling nauseous just thinking about it.
Anyway, in January 2013, 4 months of chemo started and yes, for me, the hardest part was losing my hair.  I continue to feel so blessed by how relatively unscathed I came through all the treatments.

Apparently I had a very 'good cocktail' that wasn't as vicious on my anatomy as other concoctions.  Just after finishing the chemo in April 2013, I hurt my back which resulted in a spontaneous fracture on June 5, 2013 with a burst L1 vertebrae as I was making my way down a short flight of stairs to the family room.  My poor family members had to hold me up until the ambulance arrived.  A fabulous 7 hour surgery 4 days later has left me fused but feeling like new and miraculously no tumour was found in my spine - miracles do happen!
The next rabbit hole opened up when the cat scans for my back revealed cancer cells in my liver which is now considered medically incurable.  If the words have to be spoken, it's now considered Stage 4. The treatment is oral medication to fight the cells that feed on estrogen by high doses of a synthetic form of progesterone.  The dose kept getting increased until October 2013 when it kicked in and has been holding the growth of the cells at bay.  This is my new normal so get used to it.
The biggest side effect is the weight gain which, in less than a year has been almost 75 pounds or almost 65% of my former total body weight.
To put it in perspective, if you are an individual who weighs 160 pounds, it's like gaining and carrying around all day, every day, an extra 100 pounds or 10, 10 pounds bags of potatoes.

Similarly, if you weigh 190 pounds, consider carrying around an extra 120 pounds.  No wonder I huff and I puff and I barely get up the stairs!  But stay on the meds I must and so I will continue to adjust to this new body that I'm living in.
Here we are now in September, 2014, stable, a positive appointment with gyney oncology with no further follow up until the new year.  From here on, I have input on when my next cat scan might be which gives me lots of peace of mind.  The last one in May was so positive that we might as well ride the wave for a while.  I feel well and learned from my family doc and my oncologist that in fact the weight gain is NOT all fluid as I had somehow thought.  The drug actually changes the metabolic makeup and reactions creating actual weight gain.  For some strange reason that makes me feel better than thinking it's all fluid although I'm not sure why.
To sum it up, after the initial shock waves, tears and constant mental obsessing, I can honestly say that it's not as terrifying an experience as I thought it would be.  I absolutely do not relate to 'the illness' nor identify with it.  I do not play the cancer card seeking sympathy or 'an edge' to receive preferred treatment in any way.  My brain somehow seems to be able to detach from it, likely given my relative feeling of well being, spending time exploring what this life is now all about.
Okay enough about the medical adventures.  In August 2012 I actually wrote a mission statement which can be found somewhere back in the early posts which includes a significant role for prayer in my life.
I have been pursuing a form of spirituality founded by St. Ignatius of Loyola, founder of the Jesuit order of Catholic priests.  It includes the notion of 'praying with indifference'.  In other words, don't pray for health over sickness, or job over no job, or getting the job you want vs the one you have.  Pray rather, to be accepting of whatever your circumstances in life.

 In my case, I no longer pray for something as specific as being cured of cancer.   We've all heard of those 'special intentions' and praying 'novenas' for a particular outcome to a problem, and many people fervently follow that practice and have found great comfort in their efforts.
What I have set as my own personal intention is:
"For total acceptance of God's will for all aspects of my life".  
To me it makes far greater sense to take things as they come rather than to try to force an outcome that I believe is right for me and may not, in fact, be the best for all concerned, including yours truly.

This newest phase of my life called retirement, is creating all sorts of possibilities as long as I don't get dragged back into old habits or behaviours linked to my former identity.  The reason I say this is that in fact, that is exactly what happened recently.  Over an innocent lunch meeting, my inbred enthusiasm came bursting forth like fireworks on the May long weekend and before I knew it, I was volunteering for things without knowing the full impact.  Thank goodness there are several people in my life who are willing, caring with a good knowledge of my personality who have stepped forward to help.  A big insight into this new experience is how it provides the opportunity to 'unlearn' so many  things that have become ingrained into one's external, professional self.  For a very long time, for branding purposes and sense of familiarity, I  was able to project a 'recognizable image' .  I maintained virtually the same hairstyle and fortunately for me, a God given metabolism to remain about the same size throughout my adult life and was able to create TOMA.

 In marketing worlds it's known as Top of Mind Awareness.  A priority of networking helped to build up what I'd learned was a natural gift - that of being a connector.

Remember the old telephone operators at the giant board where they connected calls to one another before the day of automatic dialling?

That's sort of what I imagine my strengths to be.  The only thing is that we are into a whole new chapter in the book of the Life of Liz and it's actually exciting but at the same time unnerving to not really know where it might lead.
There are many days that I ponder the many activities that I had moaned were not getting done because I was working full time.  The funny thing is that most of them are not getting done now either.  What does that says about my real interests and desires?  Is it a result of the ongoing fatigue and relative slow motion that I'm saddled with at this point?  I guess if the meds are affecting my metabolism they will affect my brain function as well.  If not, my brain can think of all kinds of things but my body just can't follow suit.  Hence more unlearning required - slow the brain down, decide, daily if needed, what's most important and simply focus on those activities.
It's with a heavy heart that I can't close this post without commenting on the recent tragedies in our community that, over the past couple of weeks includes the deaths of at least 3 individuals in ways that only lead to immeasurable grief for those left behind.

 As I ponder my own death at some point in the future, and getting more settled with the notion, I'm surprised at the depth of sadness I've felt for these souls.  How deep must the despair be that one cannot see beyond the current situation and seek an alternative means of help.  It's so easy to judge and comment on what someone could have or should have done but without walking in their shoes, it's impossible to know.  Even as I write this, my heart remains heavy with a sense of malaise that drains one's energy to the point of inactivity.  I suppose such things happen as they do and we are to pause as we need to, in order to process our own sense of grief, and perhaps to just 'sit with it' and feel the feelings in order to be able to release them to the universe.
I have learned how important it is to identify feelings and to allow them to surface and get washed away by the white light of the Holy Spirit.  Tonight I will be attending a Faith Development series at our church that includes a video followed by small group discussion.  For me, it's activities such as this that help me to make sense of the greater picture of the world in which we live.

With all the violence going on in the world and being projected into our homes whenever we watch the news, it seems like more than ever we need to find a moral compass to guide our paths.  We need solid reminders of why we are here on this earth and our role in contributing to society in a positive way.
It may be as simple as being kind to someone, doing something to help another or keeping our mouth shut when what we might say needs not be said.  I've been mindful of this last point and am finding the more I practice, the better I feel about what I do talk about.  A week or so ago, I was about to share with someone some information about one of the deaths I mentioned.  I thought better of it and decided there was no upside to talking about the situation.  It's interesting to observe one's behaviour and learn how easily habits can change.  It seems I'm rapidly gaining a better sense of discretion as I pause and contemplate a topic of discussion.  It's almost like a feeling of stepping through a cleansing shower, coming out the other side sparkling with God's light.
Well, it's time to bring another post to a close and get up and get moving.  The physical activity is always energizing and invigorating so off I go to the elliptical with my 60's and 70' tunes blasting away the monotony.
Enjoy your last week of summer as I will do my best to do as well.  Let's all keep our chins up and be open to the graces that are given to us every day.  I continue to be grateful to all of you and everyone who sends prayers and white light our way!
Take care and God Bless!
Hugs
Liz
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".

Turning the Page to September

Doesn't it seem like when we turn the calendar page to September it's one of the biggest of the year?

We still technically have three weeks of the season we call summer yet we all seem to make a major shift into fall mode despite the humidity that has crept up on us and the heat that we looked for in August.  It's almost like a new year begins for all of us as we get 'back into the routine' that we know is inevitable with schools returning to classes, summer vacations quickly becoming a fleeting memory and the promise to get back on track with our routines that were cast off like a too tight bathing suit - boy have I had that experience this year!!!!  Hence the self promise of getting back to 'the plan' of exercise and healthy eating.  On a humorous note I recall my sister in law Barb, the year she retired from teaching elementary school and told me how today (then), the first day of school, she sat outside enjoying the morning sipping mimosas while toasting the start of another school year without having to participate.

I continue to feel well, all things considered and find the more I move the more I can move without stiffening up.  Maggie (the name of my imaginary friend that represents my 70 pound weight gain) and I seem to have found a settling point where I'm not so anxious about her presence and we are getting along much better.  One reader gently suggested that 'wanting' one thing or another from Maggie or myself is really a circuitous route that could leave one forever on a virtual roundabout driving from one want to another.  She is right about that, the head knows that 'want begets want' and the old saying of rather than having what we want, it's better to want what we have.'
   

Something I've pondered of late is a saying about 'letting life happen' and just allow the plan unfold according to God's will. It's another one of those concepts that I wrestle with trying to reconcile being the best that I can be without directly participating in the process.  What about having to have a plan so that God can help direct our steps?  If I have no plan and decide to just let life happen, am I going to just aimlessly go through my days that have become far more precious within the past year? Perhaps the best way to discover the answer is to try it. Maybe I will set aside a week without plans - we all know that will be a monumental task - and check out what the experience at the end of it. One of the great things about my current circumstance is that I have the time and the freedom to try it.

I cannot let this post go by without thanking everyone for their ongoing support through prayers, beams of positive white light and good thoughts that continue to surround me like fluffy clouds on a warm summer's day.  The reason I feel so well is definitely attributed to the collective positive energy that streams my way from so many caring and compassionate souls.

The last couple of weeks have been very busy with Mike on vacation and our plans to visit and get in as much time on his motorcycle as possible.  Not to mention the bigger news of the arrival of Matilda Rae Belles on the 23rd of August, the day after our fifth wedding anniversary!

That makes seven grandchildren with only one boy.  All went well and she weighed in at 9 lb.15oz.  Do you ever wonder why with all our advancement in the metric system, everyone still thinks Imperial when it comes to the size of babies when they're born?  Just a random thought.

We worked our way north through Pembroke, stopping for an overnight visit with Kirk, my brother in law (brother of my first, late husband Rick), then on to North Bay to spend a couple of days with my brother Andrew.  He and Mike had some rides planned out including one around Lake Nipissing. Of course I had the option to decline if I 'didn't feel up to it'.  Now tell me, really, is that something that would willingly come out of my mouth?  Having grown up as the youngest and considerably smallest, there has been a streak of what is now known as 'counter will' rather than stubbornness.   Imagine a petulant little imp staring you down with a look of 'don't tell me I can't. '  The more you tell me, the greater the effort to take part in whatever might be going on.  Add that to insatiable curiosity and a desire to be included, well needless to say I went on any and all rides over the weekend.

The fresh northern air blew through my brain, clearing out cobwebs like a new broom in an old attic.  Thoughts and ideas took shape almost like an energizing balm to my senses.  It makes one appreciate the gifts of discernment and contemplation.  We passed a sign outside a church with a saying that illustrates the concept - 'Action without thought is like firing without aim'.  I don't know about you but I find in today's world too many people are running around firing out decisions without really considering the original objectives or the ramifications of those decisions.  In so many ways I continue to offer gratitude for the blessings of where I am in my life right now.

Had I not fallen down the rabbit hole of illness and prolonged treatment I too might be firing without aim and taking lots of action without thought, having to undo, redo or abandon altogether projects and activities that at the time seemed so very important.  Hmmmm, have I just uncovered another insight?  How much of our time is really spent doing worthwhile, productive things that we are pleased with and feel has helped improve the world even a little bit? Maybe the idea of letting life happen is more about letting go of the breakneck speed we are trying to maintain and being more open to the life giving slower activities, much like nature, that take time and far less physical and emotional effort to accomplish.  They do say that when we find our niche, it's like we don't work a day.  More food for thought.

Last time I commented on wanting to address the whole notion of what our legacy will be.  Most often people automatically think of financial legacies and what they plan to do with their money.  And of course the majority don't even entertain the thought of giving elsewhere if they have children of their own.

Interestingly, even financial advisors are helping people think in broader terms to better understand the legacy one can leave through their 'testament'.  What are the values one hopes to leave imprinted on the hearts and minds of family and friends?  What do you wish to have your life stand for when you are gone?  I've often been drawn to those pictures with sayings below them, and one that stands out for me is the one about, no one will care about how much money you have, or the car you drive etc. if you have made the difference in the life of a child - and in my view it can be anything else for that matter.  For example, I took 3 year old Ella to visit my Dad's friend Doris who is 92,  at 'the home'.  As we walked Doris to dinner, Ella of course was the centre of attention.

After she willingly gave two women hugs, they sincerely exclaimed that it was worth 'a million dollars'.  Are you feeling the same surge of joy in your heart as I am to hear such a response?

My job at the hospital foundation was talking to generous people about leaving a financial legacy yet it was my modest upbringing that laid the imprint on my core set of values of how a relatively small gift can make a big difference.  My dad played the hospital lotteries for many years and always said if  he won $1000 he would give my brother and I each 10%, and the church 10%.  Well wasn't Lady Luck on his side and in our growing up years, he did win the $1000, I believe twice, and sure enough the shower of generosity rained on us and we were given $100 each - a monstrous sum at the time - to do as we liked.

Years later when Dad sold his home, well before the time that house prices actually went over $100K, he took $500 to the church.  I didn't hear this story until much later in his life.  After the initial greeting of the priest, Dad's gift almost made the poor Father topple over.  He told Dad that the furnace in the church had broken down and he had no idea how he was going to have it repaired.  On hearing that story and tucking it into the pocket of my own father's testament, I almost burst with a desire to share that kind of generosity with others.  Here, a man who placed the raising of his two children ahead of his own career advancement, continued to maintain his values providing to those causes that were important to him.  A man who delivered Sears catalogues without a car, to build up a 'going away account' so he could leave something for his kids. In my estimation, my dad lived the life of a millionaire as he adjusted to life as it came his way, riding out the hardships without losing his dignity or his sense of humour.  May I too embrace that kind of testament in my life.

Even as I write this post, I reflect on the plans I had for today and what has happened so far.  I did get up for mass and planned to come home and get back into the exercise routine I mentioned earlier.  Well didn't one friend ask to come over to help her with a banner she's making - 'of course' I said.  On getting home to have my tea and do my daily Bible reading didn't another friend call to drop by and while the first friend was here a third one called to connect which we promised to do tomorrow and while the second friend was here a call came that I have yet to return.  OK God, I guess you want me spending time with those who care about me and be open to the magic that is in those relationships.  The exercise can be fit in later when the blog post is finished I guess!  I'm quite surprised at the content of today's message and even more so on how easily and quickly it came about.  As usual my hope is that someone has gained some insight or something to ponder in their own life and if so, then it's been a wonderful experience.

Take care, enjoy the changes in the air that come with the arrival of September, the cooler nights that make sleeping a decadent activity and the gentle arrival of fall colours.

Until next time, take care and God Bless,
Hugs
Liz

"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".