Mother's Day and a Start to the Long Weekend

Friday, May 15, 2015 - the start of another May long weekend that typically gets the heart pumping with the feelings of finally saying goodbye to the cold and basking in the ideas of the possible, whether in the garden, opening the cottage or simply spending three days doing nothing. It's hard to believe that at this time last year we were enjoying the culture and scenery of Budapest!

I debated whether to write my post today or wait but decided I'm going to tackle it and simply observe what comes of it.  You see, this week I've started fighting a cold - ya just a cold, and given all I've been through, which I have learned to admit is a lot, it's seemingly nothing.

What comes as a difficult challenge for me is that I can't seem to just 'push through' by taking lots of vitamin C and sucking on zinc lozenges.  It's the fatigue that seeps down into the core of my being, right into my bones leaving me stranded with a willing head and totally unwilling body to tackle even the simplest of tasks.  At the same time, all remains stable with my health and a phone call from my oncologist confirmed no issues with the bone scan.

This fatigue, is on top of feeling out of sorts for the past few days or even couple of weeks without being able to identify any specific 'peas under my mattress'.

A pretty good analogy, or is it a metaphor, I can never remember which.  Anyway given that we've actually had lots of positive activity that would normally leave one feeling grateful for all the fun we've had.  From things like theatre plays to lunch with friends, seeing Rick Mercer and John McDermott (on different days) at the Grand, dinner at Red Lobster with some of our  'chosen family members', a surprise visit at City Park with  grandkids, waking up on Mother's Day to have little feet facing me as Ella did helicopter moves in the night and dinner with Matt this past Monday in recognition of Mother's Day.

 Mike took Nathalie to T.O. with a friend to catch their flight to China for 3 weeks which was an exciting sendoff in itself.

I don't want these posts to simply become a diary of activities that I've had, but rather to focus on those experiences that have left me with an insight that may have caused me to ponder something new.  It will often include things that have happened as I practice becoming more of an observer of my life and not getting so immersed in the minute details that I can't see or appreciate the greater picture of the plan for my future.  It's that immersion that can sometimes take a stranglehold on our thoughts and emotions as we try to force incidences into our expected plans rather than just letting them occur and pass by, without impact, if we just let them.  Just a little example of this in action.  When Matt and Ella and I left Red Lobster last Friday, we found items of Ella's clothes on the ground beside the car.  Pardon?  Well, however it happened, someone had gotten into the car and rummaged around to decide what might be worth taking.  Imagine their coup to realize it was a bag of Matt's work clothes and more importantly (to us) Ella's 'Cornwall bag' of no value to anyone else (including her health card etc).

While it was a sense of violation, we were surprisingly calm about the whole thing with no blame game going on as to whether the car had actually been locked or if we were in a hurry on arrival.  None of that matters because we were together and all could have played a part in the matter.  What I was actually pleased with was my own overall reaction which was - in five years none of this will matter - and - did we learn something.  That something being, not to leave items no matter how insignificant, in the full view of tempted eyes.  It would have been so easy to run down the path of the frantic blame game and get everyone flustered.  I wonder if this makes sense to you and if you've ever experienced someone deliberately going into your 'stuff' without consent or even knowing who they were.  I liken it to someone rooting through your underwear drawer; a violation of intimacy on some level.  The best thing we could do is what occurred.  Check around the garbage bins, report the loss of Ella's bag to the police, let her mom know and not dwell on what can't be changed.

To reflect on a more positive note, and illustrate how God's plan for our lives can work out if we just let them takes me back to earlier last Friday.  I actually just realized all this happened on the same day but what that has to do with anything I'm not sure.  When Matt and Ella picked me up from the Y on their return from Cornwall, Ella suggested we go to the park so off we headed to City Park with water balloons and a neat water jug for just that purpose.  After the five minutes or so it took to use up the water and burst the balloons, off we went to the climbers and swings.

Out of nowhere a child with a ball cap came running over yelling 'Grandma, grandma!'.  It was Ayden with me wondering what he was doing here seemingly on his own on a school afternoon which turned out to be a P.A. day I think.  Well, it just happened that he, Azlyn, Tillie, mom and dad (Brooke and Mike) also came to the park given it was such a gorgeous day.  All of us actually chose City Park to see if by chance the splash pad was open; not. What are the odds that this opportunity to visit and play together would happen by chance?  I think not and it created a memorable feeling that doesn't happen when we are constantly crafting and scheming to make things happen as we think we'd like (I almost used the word 'should' but am consciously practicing keeping it out of my vocabulary).

As much activity as we had last week, this week has been amazingly open and quiet with only my self commitment of going to the pool on the agenda. And that commitment is not for a specific time but rather keeping it fluid and fitting it in to how I happen to be feeling that day.  One day was after 2 pm while yesterday I was in the water by 8:10 a.m.  When people ask, as they seem to most days, if I go to classes, I reply no because I've felt boxed in for far too many years to have a rigid schedule dictating my activity by the clock and calendar rather than by when I choose to go.  It's the flexibility in fact that keeps me disciplined enough to go.

 I seem to keep going back to that deep seated counter will that developed in me as a child, refusing to participate in activities that have too many boundaries that often conflict with what I'd like to be doing or happen to get involved with just as the supposed allotted time arises.  Who says I have to go to the pool at such and such a time every day?  As long as I get my hour and a half in, I will go when I feel like it!  My days seem to pass much more calmly when I can have a loose list of things I'd like to do, moving and shifting as the day progresses.

With that in mind, it just occurred to me the fun I had in offering myself to Nathalie a couple of weeks ago to be her 'assistant' as she was pulling together last minute plans for her China trip and working in Lansdowne at the same time.  To this point she had done all the planning, booking, organizing and budgeting (considering she had to use her own money to even consider this trip), so in return I thought it would be helpful to lend a hand.

I was provided a list of tasks on a Thursday evening requiring completion before her departure.  What surprised me was the sense of adventure I gained as I planned my route to accomplish as much as possible in the most efficient way as possible.  

I was almost giddy when, at noon on Friday, sitting on a bench at Frontenac Mall, I was able to text that all but two items (neither of which were significant or specifically related to her trip) were completed.  Someone I know mentioned they had seen me at Costco, on a mission, which would be true as I made a beeline from there to the next stop buzzing like any obedient worker bee would when faced with a job needing doing.  Another surprising observation was how easily I could walk without the regular seizing up of my hips which occurs  even at the shortest of distances.

I'm going to wrap up this post by sharing a recent interaction with a former colleague at of all places the grocery store.  Yes, that seems to be where some of the most 'fruitful' conversations take place although I think we were closer to the vegetable aisle.

In the past year, she had completed her education and training to become a certified nurse practitioner, having been an oncology nurse for many years.  Her obvious delight with the image of my new self led her to share with me a long standing and serious view that she has had about cancer patients to the point she would regularly debate with the physician oncologists about her theory.  It was simply that she could tell how someone would fare in the longer term based on how they physically presented themselves, how they walked, how they looked and acted.  After more than ten years of this regular bantering, she divulged that one of the most senior physicians approached her to admit that research has proven her findings.
That an individual's demeanour, approach to life and 'the look in their eyes' would directly impact their health and longevity.  While I still believe I have much to do before I sign off permanently from this earth, and that we all have a certain predestined day, such hopeful conversations help keep any lingering doubts at bay.  I view that passing conversation as a beacon of light and hope as I continue my adventures in prayer and medicine.

I think that's it for today and if there is anything of real importance that comes up, you'll hear about it next time.  Enjoy your long weekend and when you're spring cleaning and turning those mattresses, make sure to remove any lingering peas that may be hiding there! I'm going to get Mike to check ours before the weekend is over!

p.s. It is now 12:15 and since having gotten myself off the couch, the fingers have been flying, pictures selected and post is complete.  I feel much better than before I started by gently moving toward what is important without trying to force anything.  I have many people comment on the writing but as I've said many times before, I start with some random thoughts and leave it to the Holy Spirit to give the nudge.

Lots of hugs,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".

Space for Pondering and Mental Wandering

Here we are two weeks later with more evidence that spring is really on its way as I sit looking out at the buds on the lilac trees that will soon be bursting forth with foliage and flowers that will cast a fragrance across the yard, sweeter than any perfume created by humans.

 It's surprising also how in the 9 years we've lived here that those same trees have grown sufficiently to provide a soft wall of privacy between us and the neighbour's deck.  I say surprising, not because it's so unusual for fairly significant growth to have occurred but rather on just how quickly 9 years has simply floated by.  Almost like a mist on a foggy morning, like a whisper, it's here and then gone revealing a bright sunny day.

In keeping with my promise of updating my medical status, I will begin by letting you know what I've learned since my bone scan on April 23rd.  First of all I had no idea you went in, got an injection of nuclear dye, were slid in and out of this large tubular machine like a well done hot dog on a grill, and then had to come back in two hours to repeat the process. On the return visit, the technician did his thing and then, casually, said he'd check with the doctor to see if they wanted anything else done.

Oh sure, my mind blaring like a megaphone "WHAT DID YOU SEE?", but, knowing he can't share anything with me, the person whose body he is zapping with a 'Three-Phase Bone Scintigraphy' (otherwise known as a nuclear scanning test).  Out he goes, back he comes and sure enough, more scintigraphy to be applied.  We go through another 20 minutes of in and out of the machine, with the scan doing full circle imaging of my body with my arms over my head this time, no movement other than breathing allowed.  Thank goodness I didn't suffer an itchy nose!

Once complete, I go with the comfort that at least it's over and that the doctors are taking the information I provide regarding any symptoms I'm experiencing and acting if and as needed.  Besides we all know that no news in the very short term is actually good news.
As luck would have it, I had an appointment with my family doc this week who already had a copy of the bone scan.  Needless to say, they are ever vigilant about potential lesions in my bones - even though I personally do not believe that I have cancer cells in my bones.  The findings align with my thinking but also, in a couple of ways,  surprised me.  The reason they did the additional scanning was that there were a few small observances that apparently 'lit up' the screen causing them to say 'Hmmmmm', let's look a little further.  There appears to be degenerative joint disease at my T7 vertebrae (rather than lesions) and bone spurs at the right SI joint.   I sat with my IPad googling words on the report that didn't even show up in a standard dictionary.  Further, there appeared to be 'activity' at the right 9th and 4th ribs, and my tailbone, both of which are considered to be fractures to be followed up with a further bone scan to confirm.  Now that sure makes me go 'Hmmmm' because I do not have any official medical history to report such fractures, neither when nor how they may have happened.

 As a result my family doc sent me off for X-Rays at HDH which I did this week.  While they told me no news is good news, the resident was kind enough to call at the end of day yesterday to say the X-Rays were clear.  Now we all know that much of these findings are very similar to when I had my burst vertebrae adventure in 2013 and that I strongly attribute the negative findings to the continued efforts of all the prayer warriors acting on my behalf.  After all, this is an adventure in both prayer and medicine.  And while the medical field is doing all the right things, the prayer side has been going full steam ahead to keep us on the right side of the grass!

While I continue to be out at sea with fatigue and the gentle rocking keeps me from doing all the things I’d like to get done,  it is much improved in the past few weeks since adjusting my CPAP.  One of the things I’ve observed about myself over the past while, is procrastination around calling back or emailing responses to friends and well wishers.  I’m not really sure why other than maybe in some way it feels ‘too much like work’ since calling and emailing and reaching out was my main activity when at the Foundation.  Another possibility is that when I write cards or respond to messages, even when I was working, is that I like to include some substance rather than simply a few words in response. And lots of days I don’t have the mental energy to take action, or, I will do a few emails and then like a light switch, off it goes having to wait for another day, or several days to pass by before a response can be crafted.   What is good is that I have the time and space to ponder such things and learn more about my own behaviour without beating myself up.  More on that shortly, having returned from my second weekend retreat.....

I’m curious about how people who don't work spend their days, how they decide what they might do and how they live their lives in the absence of an external structure that points the way, every day.  One of the things I’m most perplexed about is how people can say things like ‘they’re bored’ or ‘you can only clean the house so many times’ and that they don’t seem to have other activities to fill their time.  Since being home I’m much slower which of course speeds up the day given that you can’t get as much done as before but I keep a fluid list going of all the things I’d like to do which result in feeling productive, and in my own ways reaching out to others.

In fact, by establishing my top three priorities described in an earlier post, it's brilliant in the ease with which I can make decisions when framed within that short list.  No wonder employers and strategists and ordinary, smart people develop such lists and keep them in sight.

They help remind us of what we have determined is important to us and a means to keep focus when life becomes blurred with the urgent things reminding us of driving in a torrential rainstorm with the wipers unable to keep up with the barrage of drops.

A small example in the last couple of weeks might help illustrate the point.  I am marvelling at how simple life can be if we simply allow it and trust in God and our own instincts.  My retreat weekend was the same weekend my son Matt was to have his daughter Ella for the weekend.  When he advised he might have to work part of the weekend, my old behaviour jumped in feet first offering to cancel the retreat if I needed to be there for them.  Then, like a Wanted Poster at the Post Office, my priorities stared me in the face reminding me of what I had determined was important to me.

Oh yes, God first (Faith Development), Family second (yes, because I often don't get it right with Family so need to make sure God is with me) and Physical Wellness third.  Interestingly, in the meantime a solution came up that would still allow me to attend the retreat although I would miss seeing Ella on this trip.

Now here is the point I invite you to ponder.  What happened next was that Ella's mom became ill and asked if Ella could spend the week with her dad in Kingston starting the Monday before my retreat. That meant Mike and I had Ella Monday afternoon, overnight and Tuesday morning. I also had a short visit Thursday before she returned to Cornwall.  I can't help but think there was more to it than pure coincidence or chance.  I'm allowing myself to believe that God had it all worked out and I just needed to trust to have it come to be.  A tiny example maybe, but increasingly, it seems to be in the tiny things of life that the greatest awareness can develop.

What I'd like to do now is just throw a few thoughts your way that may or may not stick in your mind for further consideration.  I'm going to randomly share some points learned at the retreat I attended at the Manresa Retreat Center in Pickering last weekend.  A trivial point of history is that when St. Ignatius of Loyala , founder of the Jesuit order of priests. was discerning what he would do with his life he did so in a place called Manresa meaning that whenever you see the word/name Manresa, it is of the Jesuit order.

He also developed a widely used and wildly successful means of prayer and spiritual development called Ignatian Spirituality.   I'm still in the kindergarten class through the monthly spiritual direction sessions but our beloved Pope Francis is a Jesuit and you can witness the workings of Ignatian Spirituality in all that he does to serve as the leader of the Catholic faith.

Our session was 'Encountering Jeshua (the Hebrew name for Jesus), Allowing Ourselves to be Set Free,  and the main point that the director was trying to get across is just how much we are loved by God and that our lives are meant to be lived in the spirit of togetherness and community rather than isolation and individuality.  Oh yes, and freedom from the life experiences that continue to imprison us.

Here are some of the comments I felt compelled to record:

• Make space for the Spirit of God to flow through us and one of those suggestions was to do a digital detox! The reason for a silent retreat is to allow God and the Holy Spirit 'some air time' to speak to us.
• We are all born whole but we need another to be complete.  This does not infer only the construct of marriage but can include any type of relationship, be it friends, a faith community and more.
• How do we accomplish this relationship?  
• Spend time together
• ASAP - As slow as possible - spend one day a week to move what is urgent to what is important.
• Sometimes in our lives, tears are the lenses we need to see Jesus.
• Share work/duties with one another.
• Share kind words.  One quotation that was shared with us was very powerful:  "I will never say anything that couldn't stand as the very last thing I will ever say". Oooh, that's a tough but interesting one!
• Raise your words but not your voice - it's the rain that raises the flowers, not the thunder.
• Prayer enlarges the heart until it makes room for the gift of God Himself.
• Forgiveness is a pre-emptive strike of love.
• Rid children of the tendency to lean and cling.  Parents are not to be leaned on but there to rid children of the tendency.
• Too often people are called by their defect rather than by name, like, 'oh you mean the crippled guy'?
• The worst word in the English language? SHOULD.

We were guided to consider what sorts of things in our lives are causing us to remain closed, rather than free, to allow the walls to remain intact thereby not allowing the love of God and others to become to familiar to us.  In fear of what? Rejection? Abandonment?  Unworthiness?  

I don't know other than each of us having the courage to look inside, examine what's in there, unpack it, and hang it on our own private clothesline knowing and trusting that through the grace of God, our 'dirty laundry' will be cleansed and made fresh and whole again if we only dare to give in to the experience.  

I tried an experiment in the pool one day this week.  As I went back and forth, back and forth and, yes, back and forth - forward, backward, sideward (is that really a word?), treading water,  after all I'm in there for an hour and a half pretty much Monday to Friday, I tried putting myself in different thought patterns to see what the emotional impact might be.  The responses I had were worth considering further, at least for me.  I thought about how little the material world really means with the full knowledge that it is all temporary, we can't take any of it with us, besides the fact that it's 'only stuff'.  Letting go of that entire concept left me feeling quite free and buoyant (ok, ok, I know there's an inferred pun when being in the water but it's true!).  When I turned my thoughts to some of things I might consider worthy of my worry, it was like a deep, dark, heavy cloud moved in, hanging over me just waiting for the opportunity to burst forth and 'rain on my parade', leaving me feeling despair over things that had no right to be so seemingly important in  my own big picture of life.  Why?  Because it all had to do with things in our material world that really don't deserve my emotional investment.  What a freeing exercise to undertake!

Just this week, a friend of mine, Karen - who by the way - sent me a card every week during at least the first year I was off work, sent the following saying from one of her favourite Canadian authors, Louise Penny:

"Where there is love there is courage,

where there is courage there is peace,

where there is peace there is God,

And when you have God, you have everything" 

                                      Last night I attended a free movie night to see the film 'God's Not Dead'.

It's made by the same production company that just finished a run in the major theatres of a movie called 'Do You Believe'.  They are both very well done and well worth seeing regardless of your religious/spiritual views.  Certainly thought provoking with an interesting story line at the same time.  

Well, I think that's all I have for now and I look forward to sharing the inspiration I feel so privileged to receive from the Holy Spirit next time!





Lots of love and hugs,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."