Friday, May 15, 2015 - the start of another May long weekend that typically gets the heart pumping with the feelings of finally saying goodbye to the cold and basking in the ideas of the possible, whether in the garden, opening the cottage or simply spending three days doing nothing. It's hard to believe that at this time last year we were enjoying the culture and scenery of Budapest!
I debated whether to write my post today or wait but decided I'm going to tackle it and simply observe what comes of it. You see, this week I've started fighting a cold - ya just a cold, and given all I've been through, which I have learned to admit is a lot, it's seemingly nothing.
What comes as a difficult challenge for me is that I can't seem to just 'push through' by taking lots of vitamin C and sucking on zinc lozenges. It's the fatigue that seeps down into the core of my being, right into my bones leaving me stranded with a willing head and totally unwilling body to tackle even the simplest of tasks. At the same time, all remains stable with my health and a phone call from my oncologist confirmed no issues with the bone scan.
This fatigue, is on top of feeling out of sorts for the past few days or even couple of weeks without being able to identify any specific 'peas under my mattress'.
A pretty good analogy, or is it a metaphor, I can never remember which. Anyway given that we've actually had lots of positive activity that would normally leave one feeling grateful for all the fun we've had. From things like theatre plays to lunch with friends, seeing Rick Mercer and John McDermott (on different days) at the Grand, dinner at Red Lobster with some of our 'chosen family members', a surprise visit at City Park with grandkids, waking up on Mother's Day to have little feet facing me as Ella did helicopter moves in the night and dinner with Matt this past Monday in recognition of Mother's Day.
Mike took Nathalie to T.O. with a friend to catch their flight to China for 3 weeks which was an exciting sendoff in itself.
I don't want these posts to simply become a diary of activities that I've had, but rather to focus on those experiences that have left me with an insight that may have caused me to ponder something new. It will often include things that have happened as I practice becoming more of an observer of my life and not getting so immersed in the minute details that I can't see or appreciate the greater picture of the plan for my future. It's that immersion that can sometimes take a stranglehold on our thoughts and emotions as we try to force incidences into our expected plans rather than just letting them occur and pass by, without impact, if we just let them. Just a little example of this in action. When Matt and Ella and I left Red Lobster last Friday, we found items of Ella's clothes on the ground beside the car. Pardon? Well, however it happened, someone had gotten into the car and rummaged around to decide what might be worth taking. Imagine their coup to realize it was a bag of Matt's work clothes and more importantly (to us) Ella's 'Cornwall bag' of no value to anyone else (including her health card etc).
While it was a sense of violation, we were surprisingly calm about the whole thing with no blame game going on as to whether the car had actually been locked or if we were in a hurry on arrival. None of that matters because we were together and all could have played a part in the matter. What I was actually pleased with was my own overall reaction which was - in five years none of this will matter - and - did we learn something. That something being, not to leave items no matter how insignificant, in the full view of tempted eyes. It would have been so easy to run down the path of the frantic blame game and get everyone flustered. I wonder if this makes sense to you and if you've ever experienced someone deliberately going into your 'stuff' without consent or even knowing who they were. I liken it to someone rooting through your underwear drawer; a violation of intimacy on some level. The best thing we could do is what occurred. Check around the garbage bins, report the loss of Ella's bag to the police, let her mom know and not dwell on what can't be changed.
To reflect on a more positive note, and illustrate how God's plan for our lives can work out if we just let them takes me back to earlier last Friday. I actually just realized all this happened on the same day but what that has to do with anything I'm not sure. When Matt and Ella picked me up from the Y on their return from Cornwall, Ella suggested we go to the park so off we headed to City Park with water balloons and a neat water jug for just that purpose. After the five minutes or so it took to use up the water and burst the balloons, off we went to the climbers and swings.
Out of nowhere a child with a ball cap came running over yelling 'Grandma, grandma!'. It was Ayden with me wondering what he was doing here seemingly on his own on a school afternoon which turned out to be a P.A. day I think. Well, it just happened that he, Azlyn, Tillie, mom and dad (Brooke and Mike) also came to the park given it was such a gorgeous day. All of us actually chose City Park to see if by chance the splash pad was open; not. What are the odds that this opportunity to visit and play together would happen by chance? I think not and it created a memorable feeling that doesn't happen when we are constantly crafting and scheming to make things happen as we think we'd like (I almost used the word 'should' but am consciously practicing keeping it out of my vocabulary).
As much activity as we had last week, this week has been amazingly open and quiet with only my self commitment of going to the pool on the agenda. And that commitment is not for a specific time but rather keeping it fluid and fitting it in to how I happen to be feeling that day. One day was after 2 pm while yesterday I was in the water by 8:10 a.m. When people ask, as they seem to most days, if I go to classes, I reply no because I've felt boxed in for far too many years to have a rigid schedule dictating my activity by the clock and calendar rather than by when I choose to go. It's the flexibility in fact that keeps me disciplined enough to go.
I seem to keep going back to that deep seated counter will that developed in me as a child, refusing to participate in activities that have too many boundaries that often conflict with what I'd like to be doing or happen to get involved with just as the supposed allotted time arises. Who says I have to go to the pool at such and such a time every day? As long as I get my hour and a half in, I will go when I feel like it! My days seem to pass much more calmly when I can have a loose list of things I'd like to do, moving and shifting as the day progresses.
With that in mind, it just occurred to me the fun I had in offering myself to Nathalie a couple of weeks ago to be her 'assistant' as she was pulling together last minute plans for her China trip and working in Lansdowne at the same time. To this point she had done all the planning, booking, organizing and budgeting (considering she had to use her own money to even consider this trip), so in return I thought it would be helpful to lend a hand.
I was provided a list of tasks on a Thursday evening requiring completion before her departure. What surprised me was the sense of adventure I gained as I planned my route to accomplish as much as possible in the most efficient way as possible.
I was almost giddy when, at noon on Friday, sitting on a bench at Frontenac Mall, I was able to text that all but two items (neither of which were significant or specifically related to her trip) were completed. Someone I know mentioned they had seen me at Costco, on a mission, which would be true as I made a beeline from there to the next stop buzzing like any obedient worker bee would when faced with a job needing doing. Another surprising observation was how easily I could walk without the regular seizing up of my hips which occurs even at the shortest of distances.
I'm going to wrap up this post by sharing a recent interaction with a former colleague at of all places the grocery store. Yes, that seems to be where some of the most 'fruitful' conversations take place although I think we were closer to the vegetable aisle.
In the past year, she had completed her education and training to become a certified nurse practitioner, having been an oncology nurse for many years. Her obvious delight with the image of my new self led her to share with me a long standing and serious view that she has had about cancer patients to the point she would regularly debate with the physician oncologists about her theory. It was simply that she could tell how someone would fare in the longer term based on how they physically presented themselves, how they walked, how they looked and acted. After more than ten years of this regular bantering, she divulged that one of the most senior physicians approached her to admit that research has proven her findings.
That an individual's demeanour, approach to life and 'the look in their eyes' would directly impact their health and longevity. While I still believe I have much to do before I sign off permanently from this earth, and that we all have a certain predestined day, such hopeful conversations help keep any lingering doubts at bay. I view that passing conversation as a beacon of light and hope as I continue my adventures in prayer and medicine.
I think that's it for today and if there is anything of real importance that comes up, you'll hear about it next time. Enjoy your long weekend and when you're spring cleaning and turning those mattresses, make sure to remove any lingering peas that may be hiding there! I'm going to get Mike to check ours before the weekend is over!
p.s. It is now 12:15 and since having gotten myself off the couch, the fingers have been flying, pictures selected and post is complete. I feel much better than before I started by gently moving toward what is important without trying to force anything. I have many people comment on the writing but as I've said many times before, I start with some random thoughts and leave it to the Holy Spirit to give the nudge.
Lots of hugs,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".
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