An Early Christmas Gift

In reviewing some of my last posts, it doesn't look like I told you about the minor irritation I developed likely sometime in October.  It's an itch that seems to limit itself to my extremities, like feet, ankles, hands and arms.  Pop a Claritin and 30 minutes later sanity returns although I've never had any known allergies.

 One of the worst parts of course is that I can't really reach my feet to scratch; Maggie continues to get in the way.  Besides the doctor told me it's best if you can avoid scratching because it actually begets more itching - oh yes the vicious circle.  

I was coping with this relatively benign problem fairly well until I made the mistake of doing a little search on the Internet.  Allergies don't typically just show up at this stage of life so even my efforts to narrow down the cause was a futile attempt at resolving the matter.  But oh no, what do I find?  In some obscure page, likely somewhere in the middle of the million plus sites I could go to, it talks about potential problems with liver function.  All my faith was blown out the window in a nano second with me convinced that seeing 2015 was just wishful thinking.  After much self coaching and rationalization, I was able to pull myself back together and not feel like Humpty Dumpty having just had a great fall.  Even though I am back sitting on the wall, I have to admit there have been some moments in the last month that I have felt myself teetering, wondering where I might fall.

During my last visit to my family doctor, who is new to me as the previous one decided to head to New Zealand for a change of pace, we discussed this latest symptom and she readily ordered bloodwork to test for any abnormalities.  We agreed she would call if there were any problems.  She called a few days later; I saw the number on the phone; oh-oh, here we go; this is it.  In fact, she was just being kind and considerate by calling to tell me that the results were all in line, reviewed each test that was done with no significant variances and in fact a number of them were very, very good. Who could ask for more? Christmas came early!

My internal, mercurial reactions from time to time are almost heart stopping in their intensity and if truth be known at least they are not as visceral as they used to be.  As well, it really doesn't take a lot of time to grasp the information, process it and put it where it belongs in our lives and accept whatever might come with it.  We were able to do that throughout this time of uncertainty and I realize these last few weeks can be considered quite normal emotionally when your health is compromised.  One can only hope for a stable, even sense of calm which is elusive even when in the best of health.

The bottom line is there is no real explanation for the allergic type of itch I've developed and if we can control it with an over the counter antihistamine, we'll leave well enough alone.  I pray every day that Mike would be relieved of his symptoms of excema which manifests itself as an almost constant itch.  As I experience a very tiny sampling of what he lives with day in and day out, I may have to put my prayers into overdrive!

Part of my responsibility to myself is to invest in physical activity within my limitations.  Having always been a fairly active individual, one of the hardest things is to not overdo it as I've written about before.  This year has been a bit of a roller coaster ride with starting fitness only to injure myself and having to abandon it until I could recover.  I mentioned recently that I've tried yet another program - that of walking in the pool at the Y.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that I have found something that works for me and that I enjoy to the point that I actually look forward to going despite the school yard antics that go on sometimes, leaving you wondering how people can continue such things into old age.  With the variety of techniques I've been using, I don't suppose I'll ever qualify for the Olympic synchronized swim team or even any kind of aquatic ballet but what I can do is escape into my own imagination and let my thoughts drift where they might, untethered and allowed to escape into full flight to who knows where.

Another interesting experience is when members of one organization or another bring young adults who face multiple challenges for what is sure to be an outing that allows freedom from some of the constraints they face every day.  It surprised me more than a little when someone asked me one day if they 'bothered me'.

I hope the incredulous thoughts I had didn't show up on my face which is normally the case.  Once I composed myself I gently replied that I believe they are angels that reflect to us, life on so many levels and if nothing else, our awareness of our place in this world.  A young man, with the most dazzling blue eyes and long eyelashes that any girl would covet, sat in his wheelchair (that day his caregiver forgot her bathing suit so he was confined to poolside)  keeping eye contact as I plodded along from one end to the other.  Before long, smiles were exchanged and before long, he blew a kiss!  Can you imagine how magical that was?  A young man trapped in his body, using his eyes to make contact and develop rapport with a perfect stranger.  How special is that!?  A friend who was with me that day told me to stop flirting, only to smile knowing it would continue.  Another young man arrives regularly with his caregiver to walk the perimeter of the pool.  He loves to talk to anyone anytime which makes it enjoyable to coax him in front of his caregiver to keep moving.  His response?  A finger pointing with his best Dirty Harry impression of 'Go ahead, make my day' which means I must topple over as though shot, causing him to go into gales of laughter.  When I think that I only spend a few short minutes interacting with some of these individuals, my respect for the people who choose a vocation to provide full time care to developmentally disabled children and adults simply skyrockets.  It warms the heart to know there are those out there in our world who see humanity for what it is, fragile, often broken, and in need of a helping hand.  When I watch them, it reminds me not to be so smug as to think I'm doing everything I can for others.  There is so much room in our world to do just some small thing for someone else.

Generosity comes at this time of year - Christmas, yes Christmas - not some obscure holiday that no one dares to name.  Generosity does not need to come in the form of the material goods that every TV station, every radio station, every mall literally shouts out at us, buy this, buy that, knock down the person next to you to get the latest toy that will be played with for what seems like a minute.

No, generosity can take the form of taking a minute to do something for someone that may never know it came from you.  We've heard lots of examples and, increasingly more of late, which is a blessing in today's war torn world.  I don't tweet but have heard about the hashtag I'll ride with you in support of Muslims afraid to take public transit.  How simple yet brilliant was that idea!?

Talking about generosity, I must tell you about our dinner experience last night.  About two weeks ago we received a call from a local restaurant asking when we'd like to book reservations.  Thankfully we know who was calling but still responded with a dumbstruck reaction since we hadn't planned any such dinner.  No, that's true we were told, but someone, unknown to the restaurant instructed them to call us to book a time for dinner - and the bill would be taken care of.  After much giggling and marvelling at who was behind this caper, we booked a time.  Needless to say the feeling was more than just a little flattering that someone would think of such an idea and keep it a secret from us and the restaurant.

We arrived for dinner and were told the manager, at that point, still had no idea who it was but was to open a note of instruction after the meal.  How fun is that?  We had ourselves convinced of who it was only to learn we were totally wrong!  As it turns out, we went to dinner on the 30th anniversary of me moving to Kingston, and my brother Andrew, who visited us that weekend in 1984, was the one who was behind this totally awesome gift.  If you think about it, it's one thing to be given a gift certificate for a birthday dinner and quite another to be led on a caper of mystique and intrigue.  I also must admit, that such a gift left us feeling very, very special and honoured.  Neither us nor the restaurant had ever had such an experience before so it was most fun for all of us!  Thanks Andy!!!!!

I'm pleased to say that both of the lingering projects I got myself involved in have now concluded including debriefings for both!  Isn't that a nice way to 'wrap up' the year.  I learned a couple of things as a result of following through to the final completion.  Another so simple yet seemingly brilliant idea popped into my head as such things do and make me feel like a bowl of Rice Krispies having freshly poured milk over me!

 I'd really like to know where some of these ideas were hiding when they really could have made life easier when working.  As many of you probably do, I kept an email folder for each event and simply dumped all correspondence into the folder once dealt with.  From there, in preparation for the debrief, I simply reviewed the email folder, pulled out issues that had come up during the planning process and used those as input for the debrief, thus making sure comments were much more objective than had I simply read the input form, thought off the top of my head which is what I normally do and jot down a few vaguely remembered points.  A new approach leaving a much greater sense of completion.  Best part of it?  Delete the entire folder!

When I told Mike I was careful not to commit to next year, he chuckled before proceeding to share his observation on my behaviour when it comes to events and activities.  Who is this new Mike who is willing to share his thoughts and ideas like never before?  What did he see in me you ask?  He sees someone who views their role similar to the starter at a race track.  There's great energy in the air, anticipation and enthusiasm.  They're at the post, waiting to burst onto the track and head for the finish line.  What I seemingly love to do, he says, is pull the trigger on the starting gun.  Incredulous, I asked if he thought I followed through to the finish line.  Calmly he replied, 'no, you've lost interest by then' because you're already off to the next race to generate enthusiasm and excitement, get everyone worked up, pull the trigger and move on to the next start.  There are just so many races to start!

It's an interesting concept to ponder.  Funny how I'm learning all these things about myself when the impact on my day to day life is seemingly less important.  But is it?  I don't know.  All I can do is stay open to how my life will continue to be shaped in ways that I can live every day to the fullest.

It's only fitting to finish off with a thought or two on Christmas, how this time of waiting, expectation and preparation needs to be the focus however possible in the midst of the frantic rushing around trying to fill stockings and purchase the perfect gift especially for those people who never seem to get around to making a list.  These people seem to have some irrational, subliminal urge to create panic for those hoping to create the perfect Christmas for family and friends.

Have you thought about or had family conversations about your Christmas traditions?  How do our loved ones view this time of  year?  When's the last time you made a conscious decision to reduce the stress of the season?  What did you do?  What did you change?  I had a conversation with my stepson Gabe yesterday to learn his views on Christmas.  Not surprisingly, we feel very similar emotions about the whole gift giving concept since he is not materialistic and I have become far less so in recent times.  Mike and I had a further conversation to compare our views which, not surprisingly are a little different from one another.  Something we did agree upon given our multi layered blended family, there are lots of nuances to be aware of and different family traditions to respect.

 My hope would be to transition toward a greater appreciation for 'the reason for the season', celebrating the birth of Jesus as though it were happening each and every year and not simply thought of as some long ago historical story.

When my next post comes around, we will have seen Christmas come and go and I wish you only joy.  I wish you all that you hope for as it relates to your family, your health, your friends and loved ones.  I wish you a few moments of quiet reflection, to truly appreciate how wonderful our lives are, regardless of our challenges.  As I've said before, when we're at our weakest, those are the times that we are closest to God.  Walk in faith, trusting that our lives are unfolding exactly as they are meant to in keeping with God's will.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.......until next time.
Hugs and God Bless,

Liz
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive' 

Simplifying Life: Clearing the Mental Clutter

As we head into the season that is meant to be one of joy, waiting, preparation and expectation, it seems that almost everyone everywhere lets the secular world pull them into the frenzy of commercialism that is rampant everywhere.  I think of some of the commercials on TV of blinking lights and self propelling noisy toys that can drive one to distraction when all that's desired is time for quiet reflection.

I have absolutely no desire to scour the malls to pick out that perfect gift for every grandchild - we are up to 7 and one on the way and I believe they all have far too many playthings to have another holiday heaping even more on them.  We all talk about how they'd rather play with the box anyway but do we do anything about it?  Maybe, maybe not.

For three of the younger kids, their birthday presents were tickets to see Toopy & Binoo live at the theatre here in Kingston.  Nice part is that they have been talking about it and looking forward to it since July/August when all three celebrated their birthdays and continue to look forward to the show which is on December 21st.

I agree, I didn't know who Toopy & Binoo were either and have some catching up to do.  The hope with this type of gift is that they may file a little memory in their minds of a time with parents that was exciting and fun along with a sense of bonding and togetherness not achievable by any volume of plastic toys.

I'm not sure how all that just came spilling out like water from a fountain, but clearly must have been on my mind as I wrestle with what I will do about the whole notion of Christmas gift giving.  Since starting on my adventures in the land of prayer and medicine, material things have become far less appealing and in fact, quite burdensome. I've talked before about the purging and am heading into the next phase as a result of an exchange Mike and I had recently.

During the Nativity Exhibition Project planning and meetings, a discussion came up about making the little wooden creches that were to be supplied to school children.  Some nuance in my voice must have alerted Mike as he quickly commented 'You are NOT going to start making the creches'.  How does he do that?!  After 10 years of being together he's getting to be a pretty good mind reader.  Instead he accurately suggested that before I start ANY new projects, I was to consider finishing any number of those that I'd already started.

 His words resonated with me on a much deeper level than I would have thought.  In fact, as a means to simplifying my life as I walk further into the garden of retirement I need to look at those activities that had previously been planted but then left laying fallow until I might decide to attend to and nurture into completion.  What a great way to bring order to a life that requires much more serenity than ever before.  Given that I feel relatively well, I can tend to forget that my body continues to work overtime to mend and rid itself of the cancer cells that continue to hover in my liver.  The last thing I need is the stress of self imposed deadlines (hmmm, maybe there's reason they're called "dead" lines - if you don't pay attention, they can kill you!) and new projects every time I hear about something interesting.

What next then you might ask?  First of all, it's finishing off and tying loose ends with a couple of events I allowed myself to get involved with.  Get the ducks lined up in such a way that next year anyone can take them and knock them off one by one.  No sense of complaining how things could be done better or what didn't happen he way it should of or could of, if you're not prepared to put pen to paper or finger to keyboard and make concrete suggestions for improvement.

Besides, inviting feedback from everyone involved gives them a greater sense of ownership and inclusion.  What gets done with the information thereafter is not to be my monkey to carry around and feed for the coming year.

From there, I plan to pull together memory books for each deceased member of our immediate family.  All I can say about that is thank goodness there aren't too many of them!  My first husband Rick, my Dad, my Mother.  I have already dismantled all but about 3 photo albums and plan to further reduce the volumes of collectibles by creating collages of pictures that are cropped to leave the wide expanses of bland background on the cutting floor and focus on the subjects in the photos.

An interesting point is that, as I've been talking about this particular project with family and friends, they have provided input that has helped shape the nature of what I will do and simplified my typical overcomplicating ideas that often stall me into 'paralysis by analysis'.  Thanks to everyone for their suggestions.



A couple of years ago I bought a sewing machine in a yard sale as it appears to be a heavier duty one than my table top portable Singer.  Without the manual and unable to get one downloaded from the internet, I visited the local sewing machine store and plan to go and have him give me a lesson in using the newer one.

 There are squares of fabric that have been cut out for well over 10 years that I have been planning to make into a quilt of some kind for my son Matt.  Maybe next Christmas, he'll actually receive the finished product which will be made from remnants of his father's favourite clothes.  Could I have accomplished this project with my 35+ year Singer machine you ask?  Of course, but that would take away the excuses!  I am now looking forward to getting underway and working on it.  One of my ongoing blog 'critics' commented how I bring up procrastination on a fairly regular basis.  Well this new found, self imposed limitation of taking on new challenges seems to be helping me clear my mental clutter and take a look back on all those things I've been meaning and wanting to do.   But I had gotten in the habit of just taking on more and more and letting some of the things that were truly important to me, end up cast aside while I busied myself with taking on the important projects of others.  Now isn't that way to build up a heaping level of internal resentment without even necessarily being aware of it!

OK, a couple of examples of projects are likely all you can take and if I still have your attention, let's move on to other topics that have influenced my thoughts and emotions over the past couple of weeks.

On the advice of my surgeon and my physiotherapist, I decided at the beginning of November to invest a little further into my physical well being by joining the Y to use the pool.  It has been recommended as one of the best ways of stimulating physical activity with the least impact on my joints and organs given the extra work they have to do these days with Maggie on board.  In order to prepare for my new adventure I had a meeting with myself to review all the potential objections that I would come up with as a means of not participating on any regular basis.

What were those objections, do you ask?

Starting in November, it's cold, so dress warmly.  Check, short hair, scarf keep things warm and dry.  I must have a private area where I can change as for some reason, the awkward teenager comes to mind who was not comfortable in her own skin to change in front of others.  Check, private change rooms.  Showers are hot.  Check, learned that having a hot shower before going into the pool makes it much easier even though the pool water is much cooler. - counter intuitive but works like a charm.   Not overcrowded.  Check, no need to immediately start taking aqua fit classes, just go and do what you're comfortable with.  If there are 6 people in the public swim section of the pool, it's crowded.  Jane, friend and aqua fit instructor met me after a class to review the most effective activity for my situation.  Make it really easy to get dressed after.  Check, loose clothes and minimal layers - 15 minutes from pool to car.  What has really surprised me is how much I have been enjoying the water and feeling very much like when we go on a long motorcycle ride and my mind can simply wander freely and with tranquility.  No joint aches, movement is unencumbered, free and easy.  One of the best outcomes is how mellow I feel afterward.  It seems to be having a much more positive impact on my disposition than I would ever have anticipated.

I feel like I am able to approach so many things lately with a sense of calmness and serenity that would previously escape me like an elusive hummingbird, here one second and gone the next.  We watched a program where a former NHL goalie was interviewed about a life threatening injury that stole his hockey career in the blink of an eye.  What he emphasized though, was not the physical injury, but rather the deep and severe depression as a result, much that had been buried deep within but came to the surface after his recovery and how it was 1000 fold more painful than any physical pain.

 In certain ways I can relate to his view.  While I don't believe I've gone into any full blown depression on my adventures, there have been times before and since, where, with the right frame of mind, the inner strength and sense of well being, I can take on pretty much anything.  As I've said before, I pretty much sailed through the physical challenges of the rabbit holes I found myself in over the last couple of years.  It's much easier to deal with since I have faith that whatever is happening is happening for good reason.  I may not be aware of why even in this lifetime but so be it and we'll see where it takes us in the next life.  What has been important though, is to surround myself with support systems that work for me.  That includes many things related to my Catholic faith like mass during the week as I feel up to it, daily bible reading, praying the rosary and attending development sessions so I can better understand the faith that I was born into and have chosen to follow.  Monthly spiritual direction helps me to continue my growth and learning which of course will never stop. It's more like going through a door to something new, only to find before long that there is another door to open as the progression continues.
We have seen social workers and counsellors and I continue to see a psychiatrist who I mentioned earlier - he also happens to be a cancer specialist. I must say though, that the balance between having support systems AND having a physically active routine, within one's own limitations is the secret to coping with so many things.

I can't resist sharing one other tactic that I've just implemented to help simplify life.  It's so simple it's brilliant and I have no idea why I didn't think of it sooner.  I guess like anything else you don't know what you don't know and you don't necessarily 'get things' just because someone has told you over and over.  There is a fair bit of organizing when Matt (my son) gets Ella (his daughter) for a weekend and so far I've been working hard at holding back, not inserting myself, and, in an effort to be helpful, taking charge (imagine that!)  He's been tap dancing around his work schedule, Ella's mom, his girlfriend and of course me, his mom, who thinks she knows exactly what should happen in everyone's lives if they would just do things my way!!!! And oftentimes everyone is scrambling at the last minute to fit or adjust plans so things work for everyone.  Anyway couple of visits ago,  for some reason I told Matt ahead of time by a week or more what our schedule was for the weekend he had Ella.  Simple right? I really can't tell you how much that simple gesture has helped, at least for us, in terms of these visits because Matt will frequently work one shift during Ella's visit so that she gets some dedicated grandma and grandpa time.  The other simple thing I've done is to use the grandkids' visits as a trump card for any other plans.

Since my energy levels are not what they used to be, and I've declared the grandkids a priority, well if anything comes up when we have plans with them, not likely going to happen.  By now you might be rolling your eyes or shaking your head that I find these actions so eye opening, but you know, when your natural inclination is to be a people pleaser, it can sometimes be difficult to impossible to set your priorities and stick with them by saying no to others.  Too many years of turning oneself inside out, getting twisted like a giant pretzel trying to fit everything in when all it may have taken was  polite but firm "No" or "Not this time" or "Perhaps some other time".  It's only now that God has granted me time and space to reflect, am I able to start seeing life for what it is.  For what MY life is and what I want it to be about.

As the season of Advent is upon us, the challenge is to find the space and time to wait peacefully, expect joyfully and be open to the real Reason for the Season.

 I'm learning that the quieter I seem to get, the less I keep myself busy, the more capacity I have to be open to God's hints in what His plan is for my life.  I'll share an example of that some other time.  For now, I'll say, thanks for taking the time to share in my thoughts and I welcome your feedback anytime.  I understand that this blog doesn't seem to allow comments but I just found a list of comments that I didn't know existed, so thanks to all of you who have posted input.  One day when I'm feeling technically competent I may look at the site again to see if I can amend it to accept comments.

Take care and keep your heart and mind open to what is really important to you this Christmas season. God Bless,

Hugs
Liz
"Gifts wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".

November - A Month of Remembrance and Reflection

Well here I sit with my usual morning cup of tea and watching, for the first time this fall, the snow gently falling creating the first of many blankets of white that will cover the landscape of our lives.

Just a few short days ago, on what could be one of the warmest and brightest Remembrance Days, more Canadians than ever paused to give a heartfelt thanks to all those who had and have taken on the role of protecting our freedom and truly 'standing on guard for Thee'.

My brother Andrew - most call him Andy but I just can't - has spent most of his adult life either in active duty or involved in some other way with the military.  I remember over the years hearing about his escapades in training exercises, spending days in the wilderness or jumping out of planes all in the name of readiness in the event they were called to defend our country in a real and tangible way.  I have to admit there was a small part of me that thought 'must be nice to go to work and play every day'.  In recent weeks that thought has been wrenched from the recesses of my mind in acknowledgement of the true purpose of what seemed to me like play.

We discussed by email, the superb job carried out by Parliamentary Security in protecting the lives of those in their care.  My brother was adamant that they were simply carrying out their duties as they were trained to do without giving in to fear or mass confusion.  It is specifically for incidents such as October 22nd at our nation's capital for which so much of the training goes on.  Should reality strike, as the real threat that was experienced, those responsible for our safety automatically went into the mode they've been practicing for all these years.

It allows them to detach from the emotion of the situation and take their roles to a new level of expertise.  I must admit somewhat sheepishly that all that 'play' that I have thought was going on all this time, is truly a remarkably forward thinking strategy to provide for the safety of the general public as well as those providing that safety.

Taking a step back, to November 1st specifically, we enter the month remembering those of our own families who have passed on, with what is known in the Christian World as All Saints Day.  At our church a table is placed in the entrance way where people can place remembrance cards or other momentos in memory of a lost one and record in a book, the name of those they wish to remember.

 I happen to believe that our departed loved ones can communicate with us, if we are simply open to the signs and messages however they may come to us.  Too many movies and tv shows have disparaged what can be a very special, intimate moment that brings us closer to God.  I'm not sure I'm quite ready to openly share the experiences I've had in my own life but perhaps at a future time, some stories may find their way to the written page.

One example that comes to mind that I am prepared to share is from when my Dad passed away in 2004.  A colleague whose Dad had also died around the same time, would come by and we'd share a cup of tea and reminisce about life as it was and as it used to be.  One particular day is like a Kodak moment in my mind.  But first, I must provide a little background.  My brother lives in North Bay, had been to Kingston to visit Dad and said his good byes.  While I wasn't really certain of the arrangement, Dad and Andrew had agreed he was not coming back in response to a medical emergency which, given Dad's worsening heart failure, could be a fairly regular occurrence.

I did continue to be called, and, day or night rushed down to KGH in preparation for 'the worst'.  This went on for some time, including the night before right at dinner so we packed things up, grabbed a bottle of wine and headed down.  On arrival we learned that Dad had stabilized and was actually doing quite well.  Given his improvement I couldn't resist giving him a few sips of wine which he thoroughly enjoyed being the European gentleman that he was. (wow and I got this picture off the internet, I'd swear it was my dad!)

The next morning yet another call, so down we went, fully expecting the usual routine.  What I was not prepared for was to arrive and learn that Dad had passed away within the previous hour.   To say I was devastated was an understatement as I was fully convinced he would wait for my arrival.  Yes, I believe people have some ability to choose when they go despite the day being set and who will be with them when they make their exit.  So who was with Dad you might wonder?  Well, it was Andy, his male nurse who took wonderful care and felt terrible that he hadn't called sooner.  My consolation of course was that Dad was 'not alone'.

Back to our cup of tea in the very busy cafe of the hospital, talking about our Dads when Andy the nurse, walked by on his way for his break.  Every time I saw Andy after Dad died I got a warm feeling inside and somehow a connection that will be there forever.  Within a few moments, all I can say is that a thought 'dropped into my head', which said "If you both couldn't be there, neither one of you could be there."
At that instant, any remorse or regret I had disappeared like fog on a hot sunny morning.

 Of course, why hadn't I thought of the fact that Dad tried ever so hard to treat us equally and so knowing my brother would not be there when he died, neither could I despite my expectations? Pondering that thought further, it would be so like Dad to say that death was one journey you must take on your own.  I have been comforted by that experience for 10 years now and can rely on the authenticity of the feeling.

Dad was 83 when he passed away having spent 83 days in hospital, one day for each year of his life.  And while it is the circle of life, the normal and expected pattern we hope to follow, it doesn't make the loss of a parent any easier at the time, in my opinion.  We can be as prepared as we want, but we are never ready for that final good bye.  It's just that, it's too final.  Even though we think we have said all that is to be said, shared all that is to be shared, the stark reality of the finality can be overwhelming.  The experience is made even more difficult when well intentioned people offer the proverbial condolences of 'they had a good life', 'they reached a good age', when in reality, because we'd had this person in our lives as long as we've been alive, it can make us miss them even more.  For those of you who have lost your last parent, are now genuine orphans, and have siblings, you might gain some insights from reading a book I found very helpful titled 'The Orphaned Adult' by Alexander Levy.

 It goes into depth about the changes in sibling dynamics after the last parent dies and how Western Society doesn't  give appropriate due to the loss of parents.  Rather, it's the typical 3-5 days bereavement leave and back on the hamster wheel when life is not like that in reality.

Needless to say I've thought a lot about my own mortality these past couple of years.  How will death come, will it be long and drawn out or simply like turning a page in a book and poof I'm gone (not likely but one can hope).  During one of these ponderings I discussed with myself the notion of what it might be like to be alive at the end of the world.  And, if given a choice, would I rather be alive when Jesus comes again or would I rather have died.  The reaction to my self imposed challenge was that I'd like to experience what everyone before me has been able to experience and not wonder for eternity what dying might be like. I'd like to be fully conscious and know what happened.   I realize by that point I could probably get the answer easily enough but would it be the same as going through the experience?  So I've concluded that in order to live a full and complete life I must also welcome the inevitable reality of dying, unless of course God has a different plan for me, which is totally ok too.

When I think about God and His plans for our lives, I remember a time when my son Matt and I were having the typical argument about his attending Mass with me on Sundays.  It felt so hypocritical to be in conflict just before or after attending church which is supposed to be deeply spiritual and gratifying to the soul.  Well this one day, I'd had enough of his 12-13 year old back talk and had a rant.  I told him that I had an obligation to provide him with some sort of religious foundation.  I told him that I didn't know what would happen in his life or when it would happen but that some day, sometime, something was going to happen and all that he would have to hang onto is his faith and that I owed it to him to provide that anchor (can you feel the emotion!!??).

 I still believe that despite his decision not to actively practice his faith and believe that life has already tested him more than once in that regard.

What then, do the millions of young people in our society do when they have no anchor?  What do they do or think or say in light of the seeming attraction of joining a group that demonstrates real interest in them with ulterior motives?  How vulnerable are they to the propaganda of playing soldiers in this age of violent video games and being lured by the inclusion of something bigger than themselves?  Is this extremist thinking?  Sure it is, but that's what's happening slowly but surely around us.  I had a wonderful rant from a blog reader who is incensed at how we, as a society, are feeling the obligation to 'sanitize' everything about Christmas and Christianity in an effort to be inclusive and respectful of other faiths.  It's high time we stood up for what we believe in, with tolerance and dignity marching forward united in our faith.  Wish people Merry Christmas and if they don't celebrate, let them express their own view and belief and we can all learn from each other.

I'd like to finish today's post with an image that came out of a discussion with my spiritual director.  As I've been slowing down and making more careful and self caring decisions about activities I will participate in, I've decided to change the image from being on a hamster wheel to riding a Merry Go Round.

After all, each ride is joyful and every time the ride stops, I can get off, watch it go round while I admiringly decide which beautifully decorated pony or other figure to ride on next.  This new environment is filled with beauty, music and lots of choices, none of which are urgent or mandatory.
Any time I decide to get back on the Merry Go Round it's from a place of attraction and gentle excitement looking forward to the next ride.  Have you got the ability to change your mental image from a hamster wheel to a Merry Go Round?  Or maybe you'd rather ride a roller coaster! But that brings with it a whole other image and round of pondering.

Take care, enjoy the balance of the month of November and we'll be back at the end of the month.....God willing.

Hugs
Liz
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".

A Time of Turning Leaves and Pages of Life

The changing of the leaves this fall have been nothing short of spectacular.  I looked up the cause since I've forgotten my Grade 7 or 5 Science  classes and it has something to do with photosyntheses, light and dark.  As Ella and I were driving to Grandma's house we marvelled at all the colours on the way.  At 3, she pointed out that the leaves changed colour because of the rain and I thought 'that works for me'.  Later that same day we went down to the playhouse that overlooks the creek in order to crank up the imagination.

We found a lovely, clean, new bucket in the garden shed, filled it from the hose and proceeded to make 'garden soup'.  It included apples about an inch in diameter, lots of grass, pulled fresh from the yard along with twigs and stems for extra flavour.   Admittedly the truth was that if we were to try the soup, it would taste 'yucky' but it was fun to make and wonder if the backyard residents might try it while it was simmering over the past couple of weeks.

After our Thanksgiving weekend survival series, I've made an effort to allow for additional self care and not let the calendar be filled with never ending activity.  As we headed toward the time change to 'fall back', it seems at times that emotions can fall back as well.  After all, for my son Matt, Thanksgiving was the last time he saw his Dad, 12 years ago and his last surviving grandparent (my Dad), 10 years ago, them having passed away on October 27th and October 17th respectively.  Mike's mom passed away 20 years ago on October 14th, the day after her birthday.  That makes the last two weeks of October somewhat of a melancholy and sensitive time.

This year also included several funerals which bring those former losses to the surface yet again.

That brings me to the notion of my own physical state and the whole issue of mortality.  I continue to remain stable and will decide, along with my oncologists, in January, when I might have another Cat Scan.  I know there are times I'm repeating myself so bear with me as I weave these facts into this post.  My last doctor's visit with my GP revealed that my weight gain seems to be levelling off - hallelujah - praise God! Since the end of July I've only gained 5 pounds whereas I'd been gaining an average of 7 pounds a month since last October.   I used to be 60 pounds lighter than my husband Michael, and now I weight 10 pounds more!  In my efforts to incorporate some physical exercise into my days, I am somewhat hampered by the rods attached to my spine to be able to bend backward and my belly blossom from bending forward - it's quite funny when you think of it.

What I'm not doing though, is actively dying. Every day I get up with a view to actively live without putting the pressure of constant busyness on my agenda.  In yet another recent reading, I read about how, it is in the ordinariness of daily living that we open ourselves to the grace of God to work through us.  It's almost a dichotomy that maybe the less we try to force ourselves to do, the greater the desired outcome that we will experience.

I'm still sort of convinced that God allowed me to experience these adventures - please note He did not cause them, a very important distinction - to help me get off the hamster wheel and have an opportunity to experience my life as I'm to live it, rather than the life I allowed in doing so many things that others wanted or asked me to do.  That sort of behaviour creates an imposter facade, where, in my efforts to do what everyone else expected, led to a loss of my own identity and left me wondering who I really am.  When I was at my top physical form 3-5 years ago and life was going very well, there continued to be a deep inner longing that nothing seemed to be able to fill.

The past two years has provided me the opportunity to explore what life is really all about and to give myself permission to do what I want to do - even if it means projects half finished.  More on that momentarily.  So you see this whole cancer thing - ok, I've said the word has allowed me to have adventures that otherwise would have been crowded out by the never ending list of must do's.

In recent weeks, I have been drawn into a project through our church that appears to have come at a very opportune time.  A tiny group of volunteers - 4 to be exact - have been working on evangelizing through the Nativity.  Tony, the founder and tireless leader has made inroads into the school system with the tenacity and passion of a true disciple.  What started with a request from a grade 2 teacher to help a class create Nativity sets to decorate, Tony has managed to build the concept to a place where it has become part of the Catholic school curriculum incorporating religion, art and technology.  Children get to glue together little Nativity sets and decorate them while learning about the story of Jesus and Bethlehem. In early December, one class is going to visit Providence Manor where the children will 'gift' their Nativity Project to the residents.  How sweet is that!?

The second concept within the Nativity Project is an exhibition to be held at our church, St. Paul the Apostle on Taylor Kidd Blvd in Kingston from November 21 - 23rd.

Tony has accumulated more than 300 Nativity sets and will be hosting an exhibition displaying more than 100 of his treasures.  The event is open to the public at no charge and several schools will have students attend as well.

At a time when those of us with Christian beliefs are being persecuted, especially in view of the recent events in Quebec and Ottawa, I felt very strong, confident and empowered when sending out invitations to the Nativity Exhibition.  While we are generally a tolerant and accepting people, welcoming diversity of culture and religion, we can no longer be doing it at the expense of our own views and beliefs.  We don't need to be marching in the streets or entering into conflict, but rather daring to share and be open about what we do believe.  I say that with the view that many of us might need to explore deep within ourselves what we do believe and why we might hesitate to be more open about it.

It's been a shocking time in the history of our nation and while Canada has participated in war and violence, for the most part, it's always been 'away' and we remained secure and comforted in our 'sleep hollow' sort of nation, insulated from the ravages of global conflict.  That changed dramatically  these past couple of weeks and who knows what the future holds in terms of our relative safety.

Providentially, a member of our congregation has organized a 24 hour prayer vigil overnight on November 7th to the morning of November 8th as a show of concern and support for all the victims of violence and war in the world.  There's little we can do, but we can pray.

Anyway, it's now November and the chill is in the air with many of us wondering just where the summer months went - was it the weather, were we all just preoccupied with life?

Who knows but here we are and may we take some time to pause, look around and discern what is really important and shift our priorities as we need to in order to live our lives as fully as we can rather than the lives in the shadow of the expectation of others.
 I'll leave that to your imaginings and musings.......

Until next time, take care and God Bless......
Hugs,
Liz
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the best gifts we can receive".

A Time of Thanks - It's all in the Giving

I don't know about you but I'm still feeling like a stuffed turkey of my own making.

What started out as a plan for a low key dinner at Pat and Debbie's (Mike's brother), which we thoroughly enjoyed, ended up being preceded by dinner for 16 the day before because well, you know, that couple from church don't have any family locally and they don't really have anyone with whom to share Thanksgiving.  And then there's the neighbour across the street that might enjoy the other's company.  Well then, the kids are doing different things over the weekend and Saturday looks like it will work to have them all and their children and the mother of three of the kids is visiting so she really should be included.  After all that I think you get the picture.


A time of thanks that I felt well enough to plan and prepare a meal to share with those who are closest to us, along with a few extras who seemed to thoroughly enjoy their time with one another and get to know each other better.

Not really much to report on the medical front, which I promise to do at the beginning of these posts, my goal of not gaining any weight in the past month was relatively successful with only a 1.3 pound increase.  We'll see what the month of October brings with the holiday.  My next oncology appointment is in January at which time we'll discuss when I might have another cat scan.

A time of thanks that I continue to feel well overall and that I can reach out to those who may not be feeling all that great. That's as long as I get to it.   It's like there's an internal time clock that ticks along day by day, week by week and month by month, oftentimes when the signal comes that I should be in contact with someone, I have been having a tendency to hit the snooze button thereby pushing it off into an unknown future time frame.

The snooze button doesn't have a specific time frame attached to it.  Others might call is procrastination which somehow doesn't ring true to me.  Procrastination seems to relate  to matters that require attention as in tasks in a job rather than those activities to which you are drawn.  More on that shortly.

As I've been pondering the kinds of activities that I might like to keep busy with in my new found retirement, it seems that the connector in me experiences an inner, almost physical need to be in contact with all sorts of different people.  There are often times when sending even a sympathy card may take weeks to get sent out and while it may seem contrary to proper etiquette, or so I've been told, I have the opportunity to express sincere thoughts and feelings after the initial shock has subsided.  It's hopefully comforting in some way that the recipient knows that people are still thinking about them as they start the very difficult process of finding a new normal and forging a new path in life.

 Those belated birthday greetings include a message that while the card may be late, it also signifies that the person has been thought of every day that I intended to send it.

A time of thanks that I have the gift of building relationships and remembering seemingly inconsequential dates in my life that are very meaningful in the lives of others.  To remember the anniversary of the loss of a family member and simply make a phone call acknowledging the date.
Or, to remember the birthday of someone who, by any stretch, would be known as an acquaintance and I can call to wish them well.  It reminds one of the saying of Mother Teresa, "Not all of us can do great things.  But we can do small things with great love."

From time to time it seems we can all look outward and at the most random of moments, extend a smile or some gesture that will make the difference in the life of someone else.

In discussions with friends of late, about various and sundry topics, it has been coming up more frequently how isolated many people in our very busy, social society can be.  Despite all that is going on around us, there are scores of individuals who may have no contact with anyone on a regular, daily basis.  I don't know about you, but I don't seem to have the self discipline to commit to being in contact or even undertaking a commitment of some kind of activity on any regular basis although I strongly admire those who are able.  We have friends who do pastoral care every Sunday after Mass at a local nursing home and have learned how limited their contact is with the greater community.

It seems my participation in the activity of reaching out is quite a bit more random than theirs.

A time of thanks that my Dad's friend Doris, who is now 92 and living in a retirement home, taught me her secret recipe of how to make peanut brittle.  Without a doubt, it is the best you will ever try, and I shamelessly tell people - only because it's Doris' recipe, not mine!!!  For some time now I've labelled the candy as my 'secret weapon' that puts a smile on the faces of just about anyone who has tried it.  There is also a very small group of people who will, without notice, receive a delivery of this heavenly treat.

 It's somehow so much more enjoyable to keep people surprised rather than create an expectation that becomes a commitment that becomes a task on the list of things needing doing rather than remaining whimsical and in our own circle of activity, if, when, and as we choose.

I talked last time about things we do, feel compelled to do, are part of our work, enjoy, resent and matters in between.  In my efforts to navigate this new found land without clear paths showing me the way, no distinct signs pointing where I am to go, and no one watching over my shoulder to make sure I get done what I said I would do or that which is expected of me, I have been having discussions with my Spiritual Director on how to figure out what direction I'm to go.

As we continue to explore the world of Ignatian Spirituality, there is much to learn about the art of discernment and having the time to apply it to both important and seemingly routine decisions.  Recently I've found myself in a total dither whether to attend certain events, what parameters to use to make my decision and, subsequently whether my decision was the right one.  See what happens when you have time on your hands.  And to all my friends who say I analyze everything and overthink even the most inconsequential subjects, well guess what, I think it's become even more pronounced of late.

The most important point is to make the right decision for ourselves as we go through our daily lives. In my case I have strong feelings of offering up to God, my hands, my voice and my spirit to His will as He sees fit.  Sometimes this requires quiet contemplation about whether I am drawn to certain activities or, conversely, whether I'm feeling compelled to do certain things.  For most of my adult life I have lived in a state of compulsion, always anticipating what others wanted me to do, never mind what I might decide if I gave fair consideration to my own wants and needs.

 I'm learning that the more time I can take to become quiet, reflective and discern whether my decisions are being made from a state of consolation or desolation, the outcomes are coming from a place of much greater inner peace than ever before.


And finally,


A time of thanks for sharing with a seven year old little girl, an experience that hopefully will become memorable.  Over the past three years, a tradition has evolved whereby every 6 months or so I visit a friend's home to 'shop' for clothes for granddaughter Ella.  You may not believe this, but having had several step grandchildren followed by one biological, followed by two more and one on the way,  I have no compulsion (yes compulsion) nor am I drawn to shop for these wonderful little people.

In what I would describe as the 'spirit of poverty',  rather than buying new, we set a time and carefully go through all the clothes outgrown by Debbie's girls and pick out next season's wardrobe for Ella (given that she's the only one who follows in their size patterns).

The items could easily be on hangers with tags on them, given their pristine condition.  This time we had great fun and recruited 7 year old Kaitlyn to help make the selections.  During the conversation we learned that Katie is looking forward to a trip in the spring with grandma but that she must save toward her flight.

At the conclusion of our shopping and visiting, Ella's dad and I headed home with our 'loot' commenting on the pleasure of our visit.  We talked about how he knows many young families who could also benefit from our purchases, knowing full well that there will likely be a surplus of items. That's actually part of the joy of the activity.  Subsequently, included in the electronic payment, an amount was included for Kaitlyn to put toward her trip.  Given the 'deal' we'd been given, it was easy  to top up the amount and extend a tangible compliment to a little girl who was so mature and helpful in her behaviour.  Our hope is that it will reinforce positive behaviour in a setting when the parents were present but not initiating the feedback but rather simply being witness to it.  While I know it should remain as an unspoken random act of kindness, I am drawn to share it for reasons unknown to me at this time.  When this happens, I simply have to trust that the Holy Spirit is doing His thing to have someone read the message who will benefit from it, so we'll just go with it.

Having said that, I do recall a recent talk show on Christian radio which challenged the listener to purchase (whatever) an affordable item they wanted but substituting with a similar item of lower value and giving the difference to the poor.  Now that comes as a thought provoking suggestion from left field.  Do people really do such things?  Isn't it more about rewarding ourselves for all our hard work, enjoying the fruits of our labours and reminding ourselves that in fact we really are worth it?  Maybe not.  I leave that for you to consider.

 The example I shared hopefully, demonstrates some small effort in that regard.  In our personal case it leaves capacity to share more with the poor as we consider giving to others.

Whew, when I sat down to write a few random thoughts were in my mind like cobwebs in a cluttered attic.  Hopefully maybe one small concept has resonated with you and helps you or someone you know.  In any case, I'll be back in a couple of weeks.  Until then, take care, allow yourself some freedom to just be and enjoy the company of friends and family.


A time of thanks that there are people out there who appreciate the words in these posts. May the Holy Spirit keep giving me the guidance to share thoughts and ideas.

Til next time,
Hugs and God Bless,

Liz
"The best gifts we can receive are prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love".

Life on - and off - the Hamster Wheel

With the warmth and sunshine we've been able to enjoy of late, there has been a chance to get the little ones outside to enjoy our fabulous park like setting that backs onto Collins Creek.  It's so easy to  get lost in the imaginary launching of boats that takes the form of twigs, pieces of bark and even apples thrown into the slow, lazy moving water.

These days it gets more swampy than not, but to a child and a 'wanna be' child just being in close proximity to water seems to calm the soul.  These are the times I vow to cherish and tuck away in the memory of my heart to gently pull out when things get more hectic than necessary.

This past Sunday we celebrated my son Matt's 31st birthday with weather as sunny and warm as the day he was born.  His friend Jaclyn and daughter Ella joined in the festivities.  Last year we started an  'accidental tradition' on Ella's second birthday.  Our family, not being big sweet eaters, have, on occasion totally forgotten the birthday cake.  In fact, on my 40th birthday, we found the cake in the garage the next morning.  Well, last year, with no cake having been baked or bought, a quick peak in the freezer revealed a box of ice cream sandwiches.

 Presto, instant ice cream cake!  Ella was thrilled, never questioning the substitute dessert.  Lucky for us, her mom Ashley loves to provide the fancy, themed birthday parties so we get to keep things much more casual.  Ella had great fun helping grandma 'prepare' the birthday cake by unwrapping it and sticking a single candle in the middle for effect.

The last couple of weeks have been more hectic than necessary.  During a lunch meeting in August, I allowed myself to be pulled into helping organize a really fun event that, in the end, and lots of praying for the weather, turned out just great.

 I've never done well on the day of such things as I constantly scan the activity to ensure everyone is having a good time.  In this case that wasn't necessary as I did what one should and that is surround yourself with highly competent people to stay on top of the details.  Well, one couldn't find a better group of volunteers than we had on this day. They know who they are and I can't thank them enough.

What I did learn though, is the unpredictability of my own physical energy level.  On Monday and Tuesday following, it was like I'd had every drop of steam wrung out and ended up lying around like a limp dish rag.  Fortunately for me, I was able to take the time to rest, regroup and reenergize.

 Everyone else involved of course, just had to go on with their regular hectic schedules and lives.

In my idle moments I've been pondering where I've been spending my time since being 'retired' and realize it's not exactly where I thought I might devote my attention.  While wearing out many pairs of shoes on the hamster wheel I often lamented not having the time to do some of the things I really wanted to do.  If only I had more free time, if only I could work part time, if only I could take a sabbatical - oh, if only, if only.  Well guess what?  Books continue to sit unread patiently waiting until I might get to them.

Craft projects with my name on them don't seem to come down off the shelf of their own accord.
The desk in the corner of the kitchen that used to drown in my collection of papers continues to remain half buried, unearthed a little more frequently but never quite pristine.

One can't help but wonder what that reveals about our true habits and desires.  Are we really doing in our daily lives what we'd like?  Are we unwittingly choosing activities that we are drawn to even if they happen to fall into the category of work, of our job?  Are we masquerading by moaning and groaning about the things we 'have to do' when in reality we enjoy the hum of the wheel.  If that is indeed the case, it might be time for those still running to pause and take a look at how they (you) are spending your time.  I used to say 'I love my job but I hate the work', meaning that those activities that energized me, brought joy into my life made me feel like I wasn't working at all.  Rather, I was using my God given gifts in furthering His work while here on earth.  The work part referred to those tasks that caused my brain to go sideways while I felt inept at trying to decipher computer programs, create reports and crunch numbers that were as imaginary as a mirage in the desert.

Last Thursday, the Foundation office held a retirement tea in my honour which was well attended by donors with whom I've had long standing dealings.  At such events it's so difficult to spend the time you'd like with each person.  I haven't tried to guess how many were 90+ and still going stronger than many of us.

 It's interesting to observe how the patterns of our lives change as we transition from one phase to the next.  As my trust and faith in God's plan for my life develops and grows ever deeper, I feel so much more at peace with whatever happens next.  I used to fret about people moving in and out of my life, feeling a loss as the natural rhythm of our existence moved back and forth like a gently  rolling tide.  Now I almost look forward with anticipation as to what is next and who I will be blessed with next to share experiences.

Over the past four weeks, I signed up for a Faith Development series at our Church on Tuesday evenings.  The concept is great for adult learning, starting with a video followed by small group discussion.  Can you imagine how inviting a series on the Seven Deadly Sins and the Seven Lively Virtues might be?

Well, there turned out to be between 40-50 people.  For this session, rather than assigning people to specific small groups for discussion, we remained at our tables in the main hall.

It's quite a revelation to tell you that the Holy Spirit put the best people at our table, ranging in age from twenty something to 83.  We had serious discussion reviewing and answering the suggested questions but mixed into it was humour, side splitting at times.  Who would have thought!  Okay, so now are you able to answer the question of what the sins and virtues are?  I'm not sure I could even after attending the session so here goes:

I was going to make it even easier for you by providing the definitions of the words I wasn't familiar with like 'avarice' and 'asceticism' but will leave it to you to google them if they piqued your interest.
A description I quite liked was that this list of sins pretty much outline the laundry list of dysfunctional behaviour that plagues most of us at one time or another in our lives.  Fortunately, the seven virtues are those that can help us rise above the pain and desolation caused by the sins which take the form of physical, emotional and spiritual challenges.

I'd like to leave you with a thought that might bend your mind like it did mine.  Some time ago, my brother in law Kirk, like many of you, suggested I write a book.  During another conversation he admitted he knew what it would be about, which intrigued me of course.  On pressing him further, he revealed that I should consider writing the story of the rest  of my life.

 Even now, I'm not sure what to do with that other than to let it roll around my brain like a few loose marbles - hey maybe that's been my problem lately!  Anyway, I will take leave for now and join back up with you in a couple of weeks when we see what the hand of God decides to write through my keyboard.  After all, I do invite the Holy Spirit before each post, to provide the message to share and I am graced to simply tap the keys in response.  

I wish you all a great start to the month of giving thanks, October and hope that you have an opportunity to get out and see the changing colours.  Even from just driving around town, this year seems to be flourishing in colour as the maples do their annual fashion show before undressing for the upcoming winter months.

Take care, God Bless and Hugs to All.......
Liz

p.s.   If even one person gains something from these posts, it's all been worthwhile.  If you've been touched and feel that someone else may benefit, please feel free to share. I'm often surprised by the number of people who ask permission to share these writings; please, feel free.

"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".