With Easter Comes New Growth and Hope

Happy Easter tomorrow to all! The most celebrated event in the Christian world.  Yes, even more than Christmas since the Resurrection of Jesus is the cornerstone of our faith, trust and belief in God and His Son, Jesus Christ.  We've spent the last forty days of Lent reviewing our lives and reflecting on how God gave us His only Son to die for our sins and past failures.  Does it make it easier knowing He was going to rise just three days later?  Would we be able to go through a similar experience with our children?  To see the suffering?  To allow it to continue right to the end? Knowing full well we had the ability to put a stop to it all?  Whether we all believe or not, it's a thought provoking exercise to take some time and just sit with the story.  I will come back to this shortly after letting you know how I'm doing on the medical side.

As Mike just said to someone yesterday, "She's got more energy than I do as a well person."  This is a frequent comment of his when we're out and about.  What he doesn't mention though, is the amount of sleep I get which can be ten hours or more every night.  All medical indicators are on track and an appointment with the symptom doctor (Palliative Care to be formal), has allowed for a reduction in Hydromorphone of 30% for which I'm grateful.  I'm now down to 6mg twice a day from 18 which can often cause me to feel spaced out.  What I've learned is the pain I have in my back may require a different type of pain medication so I can't presume one size fits all.  I've taken charge over that by booking both physio and massage sessions in the coming weeks.  

There is no point in complaining about pain if I'm not prepared to do my part in managing it.  Even better, as I mentioned last time, we can all view our suffering as redemptive, that is, in helping others.  One of the explanations I read is how Paul the Apostle suffered and, thereby, his suffering was considered redemptive because it freed others from fear and made them look to God for mercy.  The more I think about it, the less I dwell on every little ache or pain.  Rather, I consciously try to be grateful for being considered worthy of the challenge of living through my own pain for the benefit of others.

At this point, I have three chemo sessions left of the original 18, which will be complete by April 26th followed by a cat scan on May 3rd to get an update on the effectiveness of the treatments over the last five months.  Between chemo treatments I'm not on any other type of cancer drugs, only pain pills, muscle relaxants and a mild anti depressant which has been a friend since before these adventures began.  Oh yes and the daily injection of blood thinners which will remain a life long companion.

In looking at the calendar over the past couple of weeks, even I feel fatigued at the level of activity.  No wonder, a week ago Friday, I virtually slept the day away.  Waking up tired, I did my daily readings in what seemed sort of a haze, only to decidedly go right upstairs and climb into our unmade bed (a rare occurrence) and snuggle in.  Well was I surprised to fully wake up at ten to five in the afternoon!  And yes, I did sleep Friday night.  What a treat.  Maybe my body was preparing itself for Holy Week which ends tomorrow.  I had decided to participate as fully as possible in preparation for Easter.  This week has included three masses so far and one more tonight ending the six weeks of Lent.  On top of this, we had three birthdays, and a funeral!  I can only imagine what life must be life for those of you with busy, large families.  It might seem like a regular week for you!  By walking through the activities with grace, enjoying the company of friends, family and community members, it has been a surprisingly pleasant experience unmarred by the old style stress and concern over the tiniest details.  I don't have it beat yet though.

A short conversation with Mike this week led me full circle to an aha moment which I hope bears some fruit in my ever developing inner self.  As I listen to the news and happenings around the world and even in our own city, it seems I can get anxious about life in general.   As I whirl around one subject or another, wondering if we should do this or consider that insight of what's going on, I lose sight of the inner calm I have worked so hard to achieve.   He commented on how I don't want to miss out on anything.  A simple, matter of fact remark which I've heard before but not in the same way.  

This time it clicked into a long ago memory related to my mother.  I recall being told she always had high aspirations and pie in the sky views of how she'd like to live.  She'd imagined our Dad as an international diplomat given his education and multi lingual ability.  It may be a fair goal given she was raised primarily by her mother who was a very famous stage actress in Hungary in the 1930's and 40's.  Alas, it was not to be, and she simply couldn't imagine her future as a housewife in small town Ontario and decided to search for her dreams, leaving her family behind for the attraction of Toronto and beyond.  Like many seeking the pot at the end of the rainbow, while she may have enjoyed some years of exploring the art and entertainment world, her last years were spent in a small one bedroom apartment on her own in downtown Toronto.  I'm surprised this story has come through today, but I'm guessing it's to show how we can take on our parent's traits without ever really learning them first hand.  She was a free spirit to the extreme, and I've inherited a certain streak which comes in direct conflict with the dominant practical and logical side of my life.  It pops up at random leaving me unsettled and indecisive about life in general.  I feel I'm taking a big risk putting this story in writing, hoping by doing so, it may help to peel the onion a little further into becoming my authentic self.  I'm hoping by sitting with this new found possibility, another door will be opened along the hallway of personal growth.   I don't always know just what's going to come out during these posts and so must trust the process with Holy Spirit helping me along the way.

God winked at me in a big way yesterday and in a sweet way today.  On entering the church for Good Friday, our usual places were already taken.  I started around to the next aisle only to get halfway up and turn around and head back in the original direction as there was a woman we could squeeze past and sit closer to the front.  It turned out to be a friend who we don't see as often as we'd like.  She had come earlier for the Stations of the Cross and decided to stay for Mass.  While waiting, she decided to spend the time catching up on my blog.  Yup, on my blog.  In church.  She had no sooner tucked her phone back in her pocket when we joined her in the pew.  We briefly chatted about how God set us up, I shared an excerpt from a reading from a daily devotional book; the same book she was looking at the day before at home!  We both felt as though we were vibrating at a higher level and, without knowing why, were grateful we came into contact with one another.  We agreed it was all part of remaining open and, as we do, being guided where to go and when.

When we got home, I mentioned I planned to take two double batches of Doris' now famous peanut brittle to our friends at the Motherhouse of the Sisters of Providence.  I had already made them but without anyone specific in mind until that point.  Today I dropped off the package only to receive a phone call about an hour after I got home.  It was my dear friend calling to say thank you and what a miracle it was to have the treats dropped off today.  Earlier, as she was walking down the hall to call us, someone called to say there was a parcel for her at the front door.  Well, don't you know she is in charge of the refreshments to be served after their evening celebration later today but had not been able to get out to shop.  She prayed today as there would be no dessert, and was quite concerned.  She only had a couple of loaves of homemade bread and jam to serve but will now be able to have a wonderful party as all of her housemates have come to enjoy the candy.  One may consider it a mere coincidence but we know better by now, how we need to listen to the whispers and gentle nudges coming our way.  The feeling of joy coming out of such small events in our days can outshine the brightest of gems or gifts we may receive.

Wishing you a Happy Easter and may you enjoy tomorrow with family and friends as we arise to a new day.  Take care and God Bless,

Hugs

Liz

dobbsjones@gmail.com

"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."

A Bump in the Middle of a Smooth Road

The biggest news to start this message is the fact I'm sitting here alive and well to do so.  What is that all about you ask.  Well, Tuesday we were sitting down to a wonderful turkey pot pie, homemade by a dear friend ready to enjoy her culinary expertise.  After only a few bites, yes, the unthinkable happened.  A large piece of turkey slipped into my esophagus, clearly not well chewed as it decided to simply sit  despite several failed attempts to swallow.  I got up motioning to Mike it was stuck although I can't recall if I actually was able to talk, which I knew was a sign there's still air going through.  I motioned for him to whack me on the back, no luck.  He sort of tried the abdominal thrust to dislodge it without success and led me to the bathroom to try whatever else might work.  After a few more whacks and trying to make myself sick caused something to shift.  Mike instructed me to raise my arms and relax.  Clearly it worked or I would not be around to tell the tale. 

You might ask what went through my mind during this real life threatening episode.  Yes, I did think of Mama Cass choking on a piece of chicken.  I know I relied fully and completely on Mike to rescue me from this dilemma.  My greatest surprise and disappointment was not turning to prayer to help me through.  Was there an inner sense of calm or confidence I would be ok?  I'm not sure.  One conclusion I drew from this whole event was I don't really think dying is going to be too hard.  After all, I wasn't in any real pain and, after a while, I would probably have blacked out, gone to the white light (no I didn't get anywhere near that stage) without returning.  Certainly something to ponder since so many people fear the possible pain and suffering connected with leaving this world.  Perhaps it's much easier than we think.  Some say being born is a much more difficult process than dying.

A story for another day is my entry into this world with my mother's water breaking at six months into her pregnancy.  She apparently had to lay flat on her back while I continued the pre-birth growth and development needed to get out alive.  Imagine that with an 18 month older brother running around the house!

This week we had a very long wait for a very short appointment with the oncologist.  Vital signs are all ok with the usual question of whether my blood pressure is usually low.  Yes, I respond, typically 90's over 50's.  An update on the CA125 blood test, or tumour marker, last reported at 114 is down to 95 (vs. over 1600 when we started and the average person should be at 35).  All is trending in the right direction meaning the chemo is working and I'm cleared to start Cycle 5 over the next 3 weeks.  

I've been getting back to the pool for an hour a day 3-5 days a week over the past while and must admit, as usual, I feel much better afterward.  Next step will be to make the much needed appointments with the physiotherapist for exercises to ease my back muscles and Dr. Cao to book a session of acupuncture.  One of the side effects of this cancer drug is neuropathy, tingling pain in the hands and feet with possible loss of feeling.  So far I've only had the odd sense of tingling without any noticeable impediment.  Given it's a link to the nervous system and acupuncture treats the nervous system, I have confidence it will help counteract any neuropathy trying to invade my system.

Overall health wise, I'm on a good run without any major concerns.  I'm practicing more self awareness by taking time to review how I'm feeling, giving up to God any stiff or aching joints, offering it for the rescue of others.  Sort of like a spiritual life preserver for others who might not get to heaven without a little intervention.  At least that's what a new friend introduced me to today.  I will have to read further into this concept where many people who are sick, in pain offer up their suffering for God to use wherever He sees it needed most.  It sort of makes some sense to think we aren't just dealt a lousy hand of cards.  We can, if we're up for it, take it on as an offering of mercy to others.  Helps me to think of it as an alternative.

I had someone mentions they look forward to my God winks and I had a couple these past couple of weeks.  One interesting one was I offered to drop off a package at a friend's on my way home from downtown.  My brain was being nagged not to go.  No, just go home and sit down.  You can go tomorrow.  I'm thinking though, the better thing to do is not procrastinate and just stop, drop the package, make someone feel good and go home.  Yes, I stopped and as I put the car in park I noticed her house keys dangling from the lock on the outside.  So that's why I was being called to go to her today.  She's alone at home this week, it's a very new experience and I know the feeling what it's like not to be able to find my keys.  Or worse, the thought of someone taking advantage and just walking in or taking the the keys and cause more problems later.  Thank you Holy Spirit for guiding me and mostly for giving me the ears to hear your Divine whisper.

Just yesterday morning I received a random email from a former colleague who now lives in Ottawa, asking me what I was doing.  Huh?  I texted back, just getting ready to have lunch with another former colleague.  Her reason for making contact was to let me know she dreamt last night of me and my son Matt, who she knew as a toddler.  She was very detailed in her description and how much delight it brought her for us to be together and my son to be so mischievous.

As I went off to lunch I thought how this person and I had worked together over 30 years ago, not always on the best of terms, but each demonstrating respect for the other and their work ethic.  And here we are still keeping in contact.  She even accepted our invitation last year when coming to Kingston, to stay over, which was great.  During lunch I reminisced with yet another colleague how we started working together over 20 years ago and what's gone on in the meantime.  Remember, life is what happens in the meantime.  It was somehow comforting, like a warm blanket to be able to share memories many of the good times and fun we had working together.  I'm not sure what it means to connect with these two long time acquaintances within a couple of hours of each other, but I put it on my giant virtual whiteboard to see if God is sending me a message of some kind. I do my best to remain open.

As I'm mulling these occurrences in my mind, I shared breakfast with a newcomer to Kingston and our Church.  When I first saw her, she seemed like someone I'd like to get to know.  It's taken a few months but we finally connected.  Her story was about how she'd lived in the same community her whole life within a kilometre of her parents, worked in the same city and had all her faith connections  close at hand.  She shared with me how she prayed about retirement, moving to Kingston to be closer to a grown child and their family.  She prayed frequently, she prayed asking for specific guidance and remained open to whatever means God might choose to communicate with her.  The outcome was amazing on how things unfolded and, obviously she and her husband did move to Kingston in the last year or so.  We whole heartedly acknowledged the challenges our own parents had moving to Canada in the 1950's, leaving everything behind to start life anew.  No job, no home and not speaking the language.  But they persevered, settled into communities, accepting whatever work was available and made a new life and home here.

I can't help but wonder if the two examples I share here are linked in some odd way.  Here I've been enjoying reconnecting with long time friends only to meet someone who was guided to give it all up (sort of) and move to a city where their only real connection was this family member. And yet she's received confirmation she and her spouse are definitely on the right path. There is more to this story which is absolutely fascinating.  When I look at those little plaques that say 'With God All Things Are Possible', I can't help but think how true it is when I hear stories like today.  It takes faith, trust and true belief to ignite the flame of the Holy Spirit but once ignited, I believe it's hang on and get ready for the ride of your life.

When I came home from today after chemo, I did my usual daily Bible reading along with three books of daily prayers and stories to be reviewed during Lent.  I was taken aback on how similar they were to the discussions at breakfast today.  That too is a God Wink.  It's nice to know I'm on the right path as I move along taking one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time.

Take care and until next time,
Hugs and God Bless

Liz

p.s. I wrote almost half of this post, post-chemo so may be experiencing a little brain fog and not so clear on my thinking.

dobbsjones@gmail.com

"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".

Self Care in the Midst of Chronic Illness

The days since returning home from our fun in the sun have skipped by like a hopscotch game etched in chalk on the driveway.  Jump, single jump, jump, double jump, turn around and get back to the other end in a flash.  The days over the last week have been so promising of what's to come, it lightens my heart to know spring is just around the corner despite the last snow falls sent to remind us winter is not quite over.

The only update on the medical front is a regular visit to our family doctor who has been a true Angel of Mercy along these adventures.  She is ever so mindful of her role in managing my overall health, with a keen sense of what is hers to care for and what is best left to the specialists.  More than once, she has detected a bump in the road, thankfully, to keep everything moving forward.  We chuckled about her phoning my oncologist from the beach and another time she called me with blood work results from the airport!  Having experienced hip/lower back pain for a few weeks, she did a quick examination to determine, it's likely lower back, reminding me I have degenerative disc disease.  The greater question of course is whether it gets to the point of doing something about it.  Hmmm, not sure what would be done, depending on where it falls on the priority list of my overall medical condition.  Apparently I've outlived their predictions more than once.

For me the important thing to keep in mind is taking responsibility for my physical health by doing whatever I can to keep active, rest when needed - and I mean it.  For me, and hopefully you, we can find even one physical activity we enjoy enough to look forward to doing it.  My go-to is the pool and the more I go, the better I feel.  The next step will be a further review by a physiotherapist to update the exercises I can do to minimize pain and maximize flexibility.  I've probably said this before but the magic in pool therapy for me is the improvement in my mental well being.  It's long been my view, I can deal with most things in my life if I can just maintain a healthy state of being.  

Something that's been on my mind for a long time is how my right brain is languishing in the desert of inactivity.  Regardless of why, I can blame it on just about anything but again, it's up to me to decide to consciously take steps to improve what I can in my life.  The step I took was to try signing up for a calligraphy course which I missed out on and is not being offered again.  The follow up was to sign up for a course called 'From Doodling to Tangling'.  Pardon?  It's offered through the Senior's Centre so Mike and I are now proud members of this elite organization, joining the ranks of thousands of others, just like us, aging whether we like it or not!  

You might enjoy hearing how I decided to take this course.  Since calligraphy wasn't available, I was informed the same instructor was teaching the Doodling course.  Oh, well that's good enough for me so right there on the spot I signed up, paid my money and patiently waited for day one.  I asked a friend if she'd consider joining me but once she googled it to learn a little more, she graciously declined.  I quite frankly never thought about doing any research on it.  Well first class was Wednesday and I must admit, it's much more intriguing than I anticipated.  The best way to describe is to create a mental image of the adult colouring books which are all the rage right now.  It's sort of like learning to draw those designs which is what leads to the tangling with their own names of shapes.  It's all pattern based.  The intro to the class was on the board as "Our creativity helps us to clear our minds and create more balance in our lives."  Hey, that's right up my alley.  We'll see how this goes over the next six weeks.  Our week one effort turned out quite well.  Something else to look forward to besides the pool.

By now you likely know one of my top priorities is to further develop my faith and with that comes my relationship with Jesus.  Of late, I've read in more than one place, our purpose in life is to glorify God through all our actions and to be thankful for  everything.  Everything?  Yup, everything.  Several years ago, oh my, closing in on 20 years ago, I made a conscious decision to pursue my own Catholic faith after having explored many new age views and beliefs.  The further out I went in my exploring, the more it all seemed to lead me back to the best seller of all time.  Of course that being the Bible.  Once that decision was made, I realized I need look no further than my own backyard.  

Attending weekly Mass was a respite from the crazy goings on in the world and helped to get me grounded and focus on what's really important in life.  Sort of like filling my tank of hope to get ready for yet another week of mayhem.  It didn't take long to realize weekly Mass while helpful, wasn't enough to help me make sense of this world we live in.  From there, I started taking adult education courses at the church to help me understand not so much what we believe as Christians, but why we believe.  From there, step by step I'd try to incorporate some of my learnings more and more into my daily life.  At first it felt like I was trying to speak a foreign language, tripping over my thoughts and not getting the words out right.  Slowly, over a long time, I became more comfortable with incorporating faith filled words into my vocabulary.  I now listen to a Christian radio station in the car 94.7 FM out of Syracuse which provides a multitude of programs and music which I treasure and often sit in the car in the driveway to listen to the end of a program.  My neighbours must wonder what I'm doing out there staring into space as I absorb the message.

A long time friend introduced me to a TV evangelist Joel Osteen whose program I watched for several years until we moved, got different programming and I lost track of poor Joel.  Despite the naysayers about his means of delivering God's word, I found it a wonderful way to look at life with faith, hope and courage.  I've learned through all these means, God truly is with me everywhere I go, and learned I'm never truly alone.  

A few notes I've made to self, clearly to share, include some of the following:

• How is the life I've received in Jesus reflect in the way I relate to others?
• How has my life been changed by the love of God?
• Reflect the love of God and generously care for others.
• One of the more difficult things in our spiritual life is to discern what God wants us to do.  In those times we must keep asking until we understand.
• Faith deepens as you become weaker.  When we are weakest, we are closest to God.
• So much means so little anymore (as it relates to a life threatening illness)
• Move from being in the world to being of the world.  This one I'm still working on for better understanding.  (Part of the answer I think is in the point above).
• Nothing you have is because of luck or chance.  It was all God's grace and favour. (good lesson in humility)
• How do I deal with the restlessness about what to do with the time I have left?  These are the times to be still and wait for the gentle whisper of God's plan for my life.

Did you know if we forgive, we must forget?  This was a bit of a surprise to me when I first heard it.  What about the saying "I forgive you but I'll never be able to forget".  If we can't forget, we're still keeping score and not truly forgiving at all.  That was a tough one to wrap my head around.  Once I did though, it provided another layer of freedom.

Another nugget I came across recently was 'Constant reminders of past sins are not from God.  He forgets.  It's the work of the enemy.'

I'll finish with one I received from a friend and cherish so much I wrote it into the back of my Bible:

"Christ speaks to the faithful.  Blessed are the ears that catch the pulses of the Divine whisper'.

Take care and God Bless,
Hugs,
Liz

dobbsjones@ gmail.com

'Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive.'