Settling into the Fragility of Healing

It's been almost two weeks with no road trips for me and very little in the way of external commitments on the calendar.  Mike on the other hand went off on his annual week long camping trip to work out with other die hard long time friends.  I wished him well and settled into following whatever Holy Spirit had in mind for me in the way of daily activity.  Part of it included mass three days in a row, one mass serving at a funeral, visitation at another funeral home and learning of the loss of a spouse of a long time friend.  It's the way things go sometimes as we all know.

At the writing of my last message, we were still in North Bay with Mike driving 'Raven' to the opening ceremonies for the Ride for Dad where 370+ motorcycles lined up ready to ride through the city in a parade.  He had no intention of completing the 200+ km ride until he met up with two of Andy's friends.  The three of them, thick as thieves, along with Harley, one of the riders' 145 pound Rotweiller in a side car pulled out of the parking lot to enjoy the gorgeous weather and spectacular scenery across the North Bay landscape.  

Mike, Harley, Chris, Rick

Harley with goggles

Harley with 'Shades'

Harley apparently enjoyed more selfies with enthusiastic bikers than Justin Trudeau could ever hope for!  No wonder when, Chris, Harley's owner would be with my brother, Andrew would claim the dog as his.  Imagine this, Andrew, who played Santa countless times, having, instead of a sleigh, a motorcycle with Harley as his 'Rudolph'. I can just picture it.   Oh, and yes, Harley wears his goggles throughout the ride even though he has a windshield for some protection.  He and Chris are a common sight around North Bay.

The experience for Mike was heartwarming as much as it was healing.  Needless to say if 'Raven' had two seats I'd have been right there with him on the ride.  As it was, I followed the parade through town, managing to keep up behind the last vehicle, a police cruiser, without breaking any laws.  

When I lost them, I drove down to Lake Nipissing, a mere two blocks from Andy's house, parked the truck and walked down a public path to the lake.  It was so peaceful and welcoming to simply soak up the sun and listen to the waves coming ashore amidst the birds in song perched in nearby trees. 

On the shore of Lake Nipissing

My forever 'go to' place when in sorrow or pain is the water, listening to the waves gently but unceasingly lapping the shore like a calming mantra.  After spending a cautious amount of time in the sunshine, I went back to the house to prepare for a 'healing ceremony' I had planned for later the same evening.  
We've all heard about the practice of writing letters to loved ones or others, letters we never plan to send, with the hope of reconciling some of the differences which are inevitable in any family.  And so, with pen in hand I started making a list of all the things, coached by Fr. Stephane to be as specific as possible, no big picture, broad brushing here, in all the things I wished to forgive my brother for.  Needless to say this had to do with my own woundedness over my only sibling having died before me when it was never the plan or expectation of anyone.  Ours wasn't always an easy relationship for many reasons, but I was surprised at the anger I had over him dying on me.

A revelation came as I worked my way through the filing cabinet of my mind, recalling events, conversations and messages which hurt my feelings deeply.  The more I wrote, a sense of something else started bubbling inside, closer and closer to the surface until I realized I had as much to say I was sorry for as I had to forgive him for.  It was a palpable feeling, forcing me to start a second list of all the times I was self centred, out of touch, inconsiderate, you know the feelings I'm sure.  It was important to be as thorough as possible, leaving no stone unturned which could lead to future regrets.

It turned into almost six pages of a lifetime of reflection, suppressed feelings filled with a level of humility necessary to aid the process of grief.  There are many suggestions on how to deal with loss but each of us has to explore what works for us.  We all have to travel the road to 'Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda', it's a normal part of the grief process.  The important thing to remember is we can't stay there.   After dinner, I invited Mike to be my witness to which he agreed so we sat down on a futon in the downstairs family room surrounded by physical reminders of Andrew and I started my own 'Ceremony of Healing'.  It took a long time to read out loud all the hurt, pain and disappointments we may have committed against one another and, only close to the end, did the tears well up as the 'bag' came close to being empty.  Mike suggested it was enough as I kept going with forgiveness and apologetic statements as I thought of them but I said 'no, the bag isn't quite empty'.  The corollary to this is percolating in my mind is a follow up to say thank you for all the good things between us in our lives.  Only recently when I asked Andrew to read through a transcript of notes from when our Dad was in hospital in his final days in 2004, we got into a 'remember this' email exchange which was lots of fun to trade back and forth.

Once my ceremony was complete, we sat quietly for a long time and followed with prayers for all of us, especially including the Our Father which is probably the universal prayer of Christianity.  After that I took the notes and we burned them.  No copies, no typed pages left lurking on my computer to glance back at. We left them to turn into ashes and washed them down the drain into forever after.  

A friend who had suggested a similar practice based on Hawaiian tradition asked me the next day how I felt.  My immediate and only response was 'peacefully lighter'.  Never having felt the need for such tangible healing activity before, despite past losses, it was most helpful to reframe my perspective.  If you find yourself dwelling on past hurts, especially related to someone who is no longer with us, I'd encourage you to contemplate such an activity.  It's not new of course, just another helpful hint we ignore until it's our turn to deal with such matters.

We have not yet decided on a final resting place, and as much as several suggested scattering ashes along a road somewhere, my Catholic conscience kicks in as I recently learned, the Catholic church respects the sanctity of the human body with a rule the remains must remain together in one place.
Hmmmm.  More research needed without overthinking and complicating matters.  More on that some other time.

Our entire family has been hit terribly hard by this tragic and unexpected loss, causing all of us to reflect on our own lives, how we are living them and looking at our priorities.  For me, the major one, is all about coming back 'into myself' in how I go through each day and plan my activities.  You may wonder what I'm even talking about but it's this:  I feel as though I've lived my life externally, or outside myself at the behest of whatever or whoever wants or needs my attention.  I've allowed my life to flow at the whim of others with a deep longing for greater settling within myself.  Having wiped the calendar clear of any and all commitments has left me with a glimpse at what could be as I take the reins of my life and turn them over to God.  


It's been delightful to do the little things like an afternoon of puttering around the house followed by a bike ride (motorcycle that is) downtown to have dinner with Kirk and Lynda from Pembroke who were here overnight for a Kingston Corvette Invasion.  The car at left is the Corvette they arrived in, having only recently created the electric look.  

I've had visits with family and friends since mid-June, an opportunity to help others in ways I am able without the obligation of outside influences.  This past week, I made it to the pool every day, thoroughly enjoying the most peaceful and enjoyable form of exercise on earth in my opinion.  Just yesterday my friend Carol Ann and I spent time in her outdoor heated pool chatting while 'pedalling' around on noodles.  I realized quite quickly how much my endurance has depleted through the last bout of adventures in illness and treatment.  Reminder to self, it's the consistency of the practice not the bursts of effort which will keep life on an even keel.

Here I thought I was going to spend time writing about Canada Day but since each post is left to Holy Spirit to guide and direct, here we are.  He obviously had messages for someone out there who will take the time to look up this little blog, read it and gain at least one little aha.

Let us go into this long weekend celebrating our unique heritage in a country known as a melting pot of immigrants from the world over.  Living in harmony, respecting one another and welcoming those in need.  An interesting article in today's paper (yes we still get the local daily newspaper delivered to our door!) outlines how, if Canada does not welcome immigrants in an organized and legal way of course, given the decline in birth rates, there will come a time when there won't be people to keep the economy going.  The article is 'Be Informed About Immigration' written by an immigration lawyer from London, Ontario, Greg Willoughby.  The world is more complicated than ever before it seems with so many focusing on protectionism rather than on the common good.  Let's each, in our way, do something this weekend to reflect our true Canadian value of harmony and inclusion.

Take care, God Bless and see you in a couple of weeks,
Hugs

Liz

dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."

Still Gathering up the Pieces ....

My usual start to these posts is reading the last one to see where I left off and, in a way, where to continue the story.  Today, is a little different as I'm writing this en route in the truck without access to internet to be able to look at the last post.  We just passed the sign for Eganville, pretty much what I consider the half way mark to North Bay.  But then again maybe it's halfway to Pembroke.  Either way, it's well on the way to our destination for the third time in as many weeks.  Please bear with me.

Oh, we just passed another sign showing Pembroke a mere 41 km so my first instinct must have been right.  Just saying.

It's times like these we need to be grateful for not being able to see what's to come on our path of life.   Not for a moment  did any of us ever consider the possibility my brother would head out on his 'long ride' before me.  For a long while now, I've been saying, half jokingly, 'at the rate I'm going I just might outlive everyone.'  But this, now, no way.  We as family, and everyone my brother Andrew knew never saw it coming, leaving everyone in a state of shock how this larger than life, big person and even bigger personality would enjoy a rare opportunity to sleep, only to pass away from a heart attack.  He'd been suffering physically from arthritis in both knees ankles and feet causing him to limp around to point of using elbow crutches in his final couple of weeks to get around.  Combine that with serious insomnia, anyone would be as cranky as a bear suffering from a wounded paw.

During our review and gathering of information, I came across an envelope of epic, ironic proportions.  Inside was a single sheet of paper from a friend and neighbour outlining exactly what was to happen after the death of said friend and neighbour!  All the details, what to do with the remains, what sort of remembrance and celebration to have, where to host the event, everything.   Even what to serve as refreshments.  Wouldn't things have been made easier if Andy had followed this person's lead and prepared one for himself?  Our biggest question is what to do with his remains.  Initially I was firmly convinced he'd stay in North Bay.  After all it's been his home for close to, if not, 20 years or more.

Over the last few days my mind has travelled the highways of remembrance to consider the implications for future generations interested in knowing about their family.  The challenge I think for those of us who are first generation Canadians is we've had no experience with visiting the graves of deceased family members.  If we leave Andy in North Bay, our Dad will be in Kingston and I will be together with Matt's Dad Rick.  Our mother, who we had contact with only in the last year of her life is settled in a cemetery in Toronto.  I will continue to pray about it and ask Holy Spirit to guide me to the correct decision and give me a sign in a way I will understand.

My point in writing about this is to hopefully, poke you into thinking about your own situation.  Do you have plans?  Have you told anyone what they are, or better yet, written them down even if on a hand written piece of paper?  I strongly encourage everyone, single, married, widowed or somewhere in-between to consider these things and talk about them with those closest to you.  After Mike and I were living together for a year, we transitioned into a more 'permanent' status according to law.  With that in mind I asked my son, Matt, as a gift for Mother's Day, to give me an hour of his time.  The three of us sat down and reviewed the 'State of the Nation' as it relates to our little kingdom on earth.  It was the best gift I could receive, other than prayers of course, and one which has left the door open for further updates as time has gone on.

Please, please think about these things and have the conversation.  As much as we think we might be prepared for the loss of a loved one, we are never truly 'ready' for the closing of the final chapter on that person's life.  I've spent much time in the garden these past couple of weeks, pulling weeds from the soil and from my soul.  Lots of quiet time, communing with God to make sense of life when it doesn't seem to make any sense at all.

And yes, we have made our plans, even preplanned and prepaid but realize we need to take the next step in defining more specifically what we envision happening when the time comes.  My nature to think big picture and figure things out along the way, won't work real well when I'm no longer able to voice my opinion.  Those who remain may actually have some fun in making some of their own decisions, just to have their say for a change!

One of the hidden treasures in these past few weeks has been how the calendar got wiped clean of any commitments.  Even those tentative plans were brushed aside like pieces of lint.  Being able to get up with only thoughts of getting to the pool and out in the garden has allowed me to surround myself with silence and space.  During this time fatigue has been a friend, catching cat naps when and as needed without useless concerns whirring through my mind.

Mike has been my ever present archangel through all of this, his sense of loss ever present given his own, close relationship with my brother.  It's his true nature of care and compassion for others which shines through the darkest moments.  We've shared tears of sorrow and of joy, walking shoulder to shoulder and side by side, in step with one another, each and every day.

Something I made note of during our initial time here in North Bay was wondering how people deal with loss without having seen the person 'in person' after they are deceased.  With today's mobile families, quick options for cremation, often no funerals or celebrations of life, how do those left behind deal with their loss?  It was not recommended I view my brother after his passing, so Mike went forward with a funeral director for a viewing only to come back and assure me it would be fine. I followed him to the viewing room, and, other than some expected discolouration, I found it ever so helpful to give final witness to his life.  And death.  On my way I asked him for a sign, in a way I would understand, that he was ok.  When turning away to leave, I noticed various banners on racks which I guess could be used as part of funeral adornments.  There was one in particular which caught my eye with a golf hole on it.  In one of his incarnations, Andrew became a certified golf club maker and make custom clubs for everyone in our family!  Thanks for letting me know you're ok.

Tomorrow we will head up to the start of the Nipissing Chapter of the Ride for Dad here in North Bay.  Andy has helped with the organizing of the ride for a few years now and has become very fond of the organization as worthy of his support.  We'll also explore the local cemetery to see if it might be a suitable resting place and continue to gather information on what he may have wanted.

Yesterday I had a visit with our former, now retired pastor, Fr. Leo Byrne.  We commiserated together as his older brother, Fr. Gerry Byrne also passed away on May 23rd this year.  When I shared my concern about not being able to have my brother receive last rites, he nodded knowingly and simply said "We have to let God do something."  You may not know this, but in the Catholic faith last rites are to be administered within an hour or two after death.  Our conversation left me feeling more peaceful than I've been in these last couple or three weeks.  We must remind ourselves from time to time how God is truly ever so much more loving, more powerful and more knowing than we are!!!!!

On that note, I'll sign off, wish you all a good night and weekend.

Take care and God Bless,
Hugs,
Liz

dobbsjones@gmail.com

"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."