Here I am yawning and stretching after another decadent Sunday afternoon nap in the midst of a grey day topped with a chill in the air, making it perfect for rest, reading and writing. As I try to see God in all things, it's amazing how the buds are out on the trees just waiting to burst forth with new life. If we were to carefully examine some of these tiny growths, the intricacy woven into each bud is in itself miraculous. One friend described spring time as her favourite especially at the time when trees look like they are adorned in lace, each branch draped in wispy new leaves awaiting the warmth and sunshine that will allow each one to grow and mature.
Over the past couple of weeks several seats were available for trips to Pity City, and, against my better judgement, I hopped aboard in an effort to cleanse myself of unwarranted worry. I met a few people I know on the bus ride, exchanging the usual pleasantries, then turning inward again to figure out which feelings and thoughts were best left behind on the return bus. These trips, while needed every once in a while, are remarkably draining if taken too often.
An appointment this past week with my 'symptom doctor' was somewhat reassuring, leaving options open for blood tests and cat scans. She's leaving it up to me, with her guidance to decide. We agreed to carry on day by day until after the June 10th wedding of my son Matt and his fiancé Jaclyn. I dutifully left the appointment promising myself not to fidget and fuss without good reason. A further follow up with the oncologist on May 16th, is close enough to provide comfort and reassurance that I'm not out here alone trying to monitor my health. The visits have become a security blanket of sorts protecting me from self imposed decisions that might end up being wrong, leading to negative outcomes. My rational side has been counselling my imaginative side to reexamine my own values and beliefs to acknowledge things have been going along quite nicely thank you. It's obvious though, the mass in my liver is indeed large and the more weight I lose, the more prominent it becomes. Mike and I have instituted a measuring routine, maybe on a weekly basis to monitor changes. Not as accurate as a cat scan, but close enough for our purposes right now.
It's been the rational side taking charge and enabling me to take a big step along the road of acceptance. Acceptance of the inevitable. Acceptance there will be things left undone and unsaid at that time. Acceptance His will, not mine will prevail as life carries on, and, at some point, ends. Acceptance of not being in control, of anything at any time (this one needs continuous review).
The few times I've been able to sit in the seat of acceptance, a sense of peace and contentment wraps itself around me like a soft blanket.
This weekend included a day and a half retreat for the Alpha course I've been taking at Church. It's called 'Holy Spirit' weekend as we watch four videos covering 'Who is Holy Spirit', 'What does Holy Spirit do?', 'How can I be filled with Holy Spirit', and finally, 'How can I make the most of the Rest of my Life.' This last film captured my attention. There was a quote included which I found powerful and willing to contemplate. It just happens to come from the Bible (#1 bestseller of all time), Romans 12:1-2....
"I appeal to you therefore, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God - what is good and acceptable and perfect."
While not understanding all of what's being said, I do know as I continue walking down the path of faith, each step can be one of greater insight and fewer burdens. To 'offer ourselves up' includes giving less consideration to all things material, being more aware of becoming of service to others and, as I like to say "Becoming a good deed doer." I've long said if I was independently wealthy, that would be my chosen profession. In retirement, it's possible despite my physical limitations and within our modest budgets. As we go through the day making hundreds of decisions and choices, we can practice doing the right thing. It becomes infectious, but unlike most viruses, it's one which we should all look forward to catching and never overcoming. The greatest risk attached to this evolving way of life is losing interest in many activities and goings on in the world around us. It sets one apart from the mainstream. More and more, when faced with choices, I'm able to politely say no, breaking a life long habit of saying yes before someone finishes asking the question!
These days I'm spending a good part of them moving forward with defined priority projects. One includes creating a storybook of the lives of our parents. Just this week I was reviewing the journal we kept while Dad was in hospital for 83 days at the end of his life. It's notable as it turned out to be one day for each year of his life as he died at age 83. During those days we explored many parts of his life, the adventures, the trials and the good times. About three weeks before he left us for good, he talked about how "the Spiritual Services at the hospital 'are the best.'
They don't overdo it, they get straight to the point by asking 'Are you interested in this or this? Can I share a few minutes with you in prayer or offering communion?'" It's what he said next I found somewhat surprising. It was, "We went to church regularly but didn't overdo it. When we married we didn't go. I dropped you kids off and picked you up and took you home. After your mother left us, you (Liz) asked when are we going to church?'. It hit me like a ton of bricks, someone at age five needs to go to church. Who am I to deny it? The next Sunday I started taking you kids to church."
On a more humorous note, I found a note recalling how Mike's daughter Nathalie, at age 10 questioned the experience of dying after a visit to KGH to see Dad. I paraphrase by saying "I thought dying was supposed to be sad. This is so much fun." Of course it was as Dad would play up to any cute girl in his midst, regardless of age!
It's important at this point in my life to spend my time and energy wisely, on things important to me as evidenced by this past short while of hosting a send off dinner for Nathalie on Easter weekend as she flew off to Victoria to find her fame and fortune, having completed five years of university including her Masters in Library and Information Sciences.
Of piling in the car, including Gabe's mother and his girlfriend, driving to Meaford, meeting my brother Andy, as we all went to witness Gabriel's graduation from 'Battle School' training. The next day he was off to his first real posting to Petawawa, and, already next week, heading for Wainwright, Alberta for further training.
Of spending the day with my friend Judy, reviewing, sorting and resorting Dad's Memory Box in preparation for the storybook.
Of getting to the pool as many days during the week as possible to gently embrace the healing powers of water to maintain and even improve mobility.
And so I shall continue living every day well, until I'm not and making sure I check in with self on a regular basis for an objective assessment of my wellness. I will navigate the daily steps of life trying my best to gingerly step around those rabbit holes which can, without notice, hurl one into another adventure.
Take care, enjoy each day to the fullest, and until next time,
Hugs and God Bless,
Liz
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
Sunday, 30 April 2017
Saturday, 15 April 2017
Replacing Worry with Hope.....Faith and Prayer
To be politely Canadian, one starts most conversations about the weather. Here we are, on a rainy afternoon, almost a carbon copy of my last post. Today, it's late afternoon, after just risen from an afternoon nap including vivid dreams, complete with escapes from scary villains yet feeling safe among those near and dear. It's always reassuring to wake up and acknowledge, yes it was just a dream.
The last couple of weeks included no medical appointments, no scans, you'd think it was a nice respite, just living each day, appreciating the mundane and the routine. It makes me wonder if some of us, in times of no real concerns, have to grapple until we can find something. In my case, it's been discomfort in my abdomen, convinced my tenant is having relatives move in and thereby expanding their territory. I guess it's time to start keeping a diary of the shifting aches and pains, loss of appetite and increased pressure. It's only been three months since an ultrasound confirmed no progression of disease yet I'm left wondering after these recent changes. At my oncology appointment on March 21st, a niggling concern, felt but left unmentioned, was the possible increase in the size of the mass attached to my liver. It seems like soon after Maggie politely start packing for retirement (my weight is down to 145 lbs from a high of 200), a new challenger was moving in. A means of warding off the exhaustion of worry over 'what might be happening' is to keep busy in a balanced sort of way. It may be time to regroup as I hear the bell ringing for a trip to 'Pity City'. Let's hope it's a quick trip, then back to the land of contentment and peace.
As I look back, even I must admit how, in four and a half years, my body has been subjected to a number of fairly onerous acts of 'decontamination' to rid it of unwanted pests. Sort of like an exterminator being called in to remove termites from the recesses of your home's infrastructure. Parts have been cut out, others beamed out of existence, and even poison control used to kill any residual mites. Disappointing as it is, no 'all clear' signal has been received. What's tough, and tiring, is being vigilant, often hyper vigilant, in self scanning and watching for signs of any new intrusion. As a defence, every day starts with a nod of gratitude and thanks for all the simple things. Every day includes a reminder to self, test results can say what they will, God's will can override anything.
Of late, despite the gnawing worry, I've had lots of energy to do many things including the daily pool routine of walking for an hour in the warm waters at the Y over the noon hour. No afternoon naps, even staying up til after the National. The early broadcast ends at 10 after which, we almost racing one another up the stairs to see who turns out the light! Ok think what you will, but sleep is the goal.
In my last post I mentioned a trip we were contemplating. Well Mike and I decided to take a flyer (no pun intended) by booking a Pilgrimage trip for October to Barcelona, Lourdes and Rome/Vatican. Yes we followed doctor's orders and took out cancellation (for any reason) insurance in the off chance we can't go. Lately we've been leaning on a saying we heard a number of years back "If it's for you, it won't go by you.' Now it's in God's hands.
As we come to the most important celebration of the Christian year, the Resurrection of Jesus at Easter, I've been spending time in prayer, figuring out how best to practice fitting it in to override the busiest of mind squirrels. And it works!! Last week, our Alpha session focused on why and how we pray. Like most people, I've been one who tends to stick with the learned versions of typical Catholic prayer. Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be and Grace Before Meals to name a few. The author of the Alpha Program, Nicky Gumbel provided some insight worth sharing at the same time raising questions in my mind.
He talked about how prayer satisfies our spiritual hunger, which I agree with. I've talked about that little hole in our spiritual being which can't be filled by any person. Prayer is certainly one way to fill the gap. He talked about keeping a prayer diary and, over time, tracking the requests and answers to see how many are answered over time. In his case, it was surprising how many were answered. In other cases, it became clear why some were not answered in the way he'd hoped. Answers to prayers can come in forms of coincidence which reminded me of one of my favourite little books "When God Winks' by SQuire Rushnell. He talks about how coincidence is simply God's way of confirming we are on the right track. May be time for a reread.
Something I've wrestled with is why we are to thank God, through prayer, for the problems and struggles we go through in the midst of our daily lives. Since I don't like to fight anyway, I decided to try it and see what happens. Over the past couple of weeks or more, each time a problem comes up, I thank God and ask Him to provide a learning moment. I've been pleasantly surprised at how taking a pause, looking a little more carefully at whatever the situation, I'm able to see it just a little bit differently. It's almost like a little quiz to check not only my learning, but my trust and faith. After all, we are here on earth to learn while improving our lives along with those around us.
On my way out of the Y last week, I spotted Father Granger in the cafe, just finishing up lunch in preparation for exercise class. True to form, we embraced, I gave him a little kiss and we had a brief chat. He suggested I attend the Healing Mass at the Cathedral on Friday. While debating giving up a day at the pool, he said it was worth it. Of course, I knew that, and so decided to step out of my routine and went. While there, before the start of mass, I noticed someone whom I'd met a few years ago as a parishioner of our church. Following the lead of others, after mass I went to the front to receive the Sacrament of the Sick. Father Shawn placed his hands on my head, prayed quietly, then proceeded to anoint my forehead and palms with holy oil. What followed was a sensation something like a 'brand' (in a good way) being imprinted on my forehead of a cross.
While I'd like to share the details of what happened next, I don't believe this is the time. Suffice it to say, as I left the church, it became so clear, I wasn't there for myself, but rather to offer support for someone else. It's amazing how much lighter my steps were on the way out with the knowledge of being used by God in my own weakness to help another.
Two days later, just as I was snuggling into the sofa, happy for a little rest, a knock came on the door.
The last couple of weeks included no medical appointments, no scans, you'd think it was a nice respite, just living each day, appreciating the mundane and the routine. It makes me wonder if some of us, in times of no real concerns, have to grapple until we can find something. In my case, it's been discomfort in my abdomen, convinced my tenant is having relatives move in and thereby expanding their territory. I guess it's time to start keeping a diary of the shifting aches and pains, loss of appetite and increased pressure. It's only been three months since an ultrasound confirmed no progression of disease yet I'm left wondering after these recent changes. At my oncology appointment on March 21st, a niggling concern, felt but left unmentioned, was the possible increase in the size of the mass attached to my liver. It seems like soon after Maggie politely start packing for retirement (my weight is down to 145 lbs from a high of 200), a new challenger was moving in. A means of warding off the exhaustion of worry over 'what might be happening' is to keep busy in a balanced sort of way. It may be time to regroup as I hear the bell ringing for a trip to 'Pity City'. Let's hope it's a quick trip, then back to the land of contentment and peace.
As I look back, even I must admit how, in four and a half years, my body has been subjected to a number of fairly onerous acts of 'decontamination' to rid it of unwanted pests. Sort of like an exterminator being called in to remove termites from the recesses of your home's infrastructure. Parts have been cut out, others beamed out of existence, and even poison control used to kill any residual mites. Disappointing as it is, no 'all clear' signal has been received. What's tough, and tiring, is being vigilant, often hyper vigilant, in self scanning and watching for signs of any new intrusion. As a defence, every day starts with a nod of gratitude and thanks for all the simple things. Every day includes a reminder to self, test results can say what they will, God's will can override anything.
Of late, despite the gnawing worry, I've had lots of energy to do many things including the daily pool routine of walking for an hour in the warm waters at the Y over the noon hour. No afternoon naps, even staying up til after the National. The early broadcast ends at 10 after which, we almost racing one another up the stairs to see who turns out the light! Ok think what you will, but sleep is the goal.
In my last post I mentioned a trip we were contemplating. Well Mike and I decided to take a flyer (no pun intended) by booking a Pilgrimage trip for October to Barcelona, Lourdes and Rome/Vatican. Yes we followed doctor's orders and took out cancellation (for any reason) insurance in the off chance we can't go. Lately we've been leaning on a saying we heard a number of years back "If it's for you, it won't go by you.' Now it's in God's hands.
As we come to the most important celebration of the Christian year, the Resurrection of Jesus at Easter, I've been spending time in prayer, figuring out how best to practice fitting it in to override the busiest of mind squirrels. And it works!! Last week, our Alpha session focused on why and how we pray. Like most people, I've been one who tends to stick with the learned versions of typical Catholic prayer. Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be and Grace Before Meals to name a few. The author of the Alpha Program, Nicky Gumbel provided some insight worth sharing at the same time raising questions in my mind.
He talked about how prayer satisfies our spiritual hunger, which I agree with. I've talked about that little hole in our spiritual being which can't be filled by any person. Prayer is certainly one way to fill the gap. He talked about keeping a prayer diary and, over time, tracking the requests and answers to see how many are answered over time. In his case, it was surprising how many were answered. In other cases, it became clear why some were not answered in the way he'd hoped. Answers to prayers can come in forms of coincidence which reminded me of one of my favourite little books "When God Winks' by SQuire Rushnell. He talks about how coincidence is simply God's way of confirming we are on the right track. May be time for a reread.
Something I've wrestled with is why we are to thank God, through prayer, for the problems and struggles we go through in the midst of our daily lives. Since I don't like to fight anyway, I decided to try it and see what happens. Over the past couple of weeks or more, each time a problem comes up, I thank God and ask Him to provide a learning moment. I've been pleasantly surprised at how taking a pause, looking a little more carefully at whatever the situation, I'm able to see it just a little bit differently. It's almost like a little quiz to check not only my learning, but my trust and faith. After all, we are here on earth to learn while improving our lives along with those around us.
On my way out of the Y last week, I spotted Father Granger in the cafe, just finishing up lunch in preparation for exercise class. True to form, we embraced, I gave him a little kiss and we had a brief chat. He suggested I attend the Healing Mass at the Cathedral on Friday. While debating giving up a day at the pool, he said it was worth it. Of course, I knew that, and so decided to step out of my routine and went. While there, before the start of mass, I noticed someone whom I'd met a few years ago as a parishioner of our church. Following the lead of others, after mass I went to the front to receive the Sacrament of the Sick. Father Shawn placed his hands on my head, prayed quietly, then proceeded to anoint my forehead and palms with holy oil. What followed was a sensation something like a 'brand' (in a good way) being imprinted on my forehead of a cross.
While I'd like to share the details of what happened next, I don't believe this is the time. Suffice it to say, as I left the church, it became so clear, I wasn't there for myself, but rather to offer support for someone else. It's amazing how much lighter my steps were on the way out with the knowledge of being used by God in my own weakness to help another.
Two days later, just as I was snuggling into the sofa, happy for a little rest, a knock came on the door.
Someone I'd known for years randomly stopped by to give me a message. This may sound strange to many but having had this type of conversation before, I knew what was up. He stepped through the doorway, leaving the door wide open and asked about ‘this cancer thing’ he'd heard about. He told me "Don’t worry, you’ll be ok. Your work here is not done. You still have lots of work to do here. You had to go through this, even now, but you will get through and be ok." He assured Mike we were not talking in code and, while many people think he’s crazy, he knew this was the time he had to come to speak with me. He also knew I'd be a willing audience based on past experience. Just another example to reflect how God speaks to us in many ways.
A dear friend attended a workshop with me on Ignatian Spirituality after which she suggested I might help others through my blog to understand the concepts I've been learning. My initial reaction while dismissive, has turned into wondering if it might be helpful to readers. As I continue to let the idea percolate in the back of my brain and in my heart, I offer an example, paraphrasing somewhat a part of the Alpha film on how to pray in our own way. While I'd been practicing it in a haphazard sort of way, this outline made good sense. I'll leave you with it.
A doration - start by praising God for who He is and invite Him into a conversation.
C onfession - review the day and ask for forgiveness for wrongs.
T hanksgiving - express gratitude for health, family, friends, things learned.
S application - ask for what you'd like in your life, or outcomes, for yourself, family and others. It's ok to ask for specific things provided God's name and His will are the priority.
With that, I wish you and yours a very Happy Easter. May tomorrow start the months and years ahead with new life and new hope. Take care, hugs, and,
God Bless,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
'Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive.'
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