Here I am yawning and stretching after another decadent Sunday afternoon nap in the midst of a grey day topped with a chill in the air, making it perfect for rest, reading and writing. As I try to see God in all things, it's amazing how the buds are out on the trees just waiting to burst forth with new life. If we were to carefully examine some of these tiny growths, the intricacy woven into each bud is in itself miraculous. One friend described spring time as her favourite especially at the time when trees look like they are adorned in lace, each branch draped in wispy new leaves awaiting the warmth and sunshine that will allow each one to grow and mature.
Over the past couple of weeks several seats were available for trips to Pity City, and, against my better judgement, I hopped aboard in an effort to cleanse myself of unwarranted worry. I met a few people I know on the bus ride, exchanging the usual pleasantries, then turning inward again to figure out which feelings and thoughts were best left behind on the return bus. These trips, while needed every once in a while, are remarkably draining if taken too often.
An appointment this past week with my 'symptom doctor' was somewhat reassuring, leaving options open for blood tests and cat scans. She's leaving it up to me, with her guidance to decide. We agreed to carry on day by day until after the June 10th wedding of my son Matt and his fiancé Jaclyn. I dutifully left the appointment promising myself not to fidget and fuss without good reason. A further follow up with the oncologist on May 16th, is close enough to provide comfort and reassurance that I'm not out here alone trying to monitor my health. The visits have become a security blanket of sorts protecting me from self imposed decisions that might end up being wrong, leading to negative outcomes. My rational side has been counselling my imaginative side to reexamine my own values and beliefs to acknowledge things have been going along quite nicely thank you. It's obvious though, the mass in my liver is indeed large and the more weight I lose, the more prominent it becomes. Mike and I have instituted a measuring routine, maybe on a weekly basis to monitor changes. Not as accurate as a cat scan, but close enough for our purposes right now.
It's been the rational side taking charge and enabling me to take a big step along the road of acceptance. Acceptance of the inevitable. Acceptance there will be things left undone and unsaid at that time. Acceptance His will, not mine will prevail as life carries on, and, at some point, ends. Acceptance of not being in control, of anything at any time (this one needs continuous review).
The few times I've been able to sit in the seat of acceptance, a sense of peace and contentment wraps itself around me like a soft blanket.
This weekend included a day and a half retreat for the Alpha course I've been taking at Church. It's called 'Holy Spirit' weekend as we watch four videos covering 'Who is Holy Spirit', 'What does Holy Spirit do?', 'How can I be filled with Holy Spirit', and finally, 'How can I make the most of the Rest of my Life.' This last film captured my attention. There was a quote included which I found powerful and willing to contemplate. It just happens to come from the Bible (#1 bestseller of all time), Romans 12:1-2....
"I appeal to you therefore, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God - what is good and acceptable and perfect."
While not understanding all of what's being said, I do know as I continue walking down the path of faith, each step can be one of greater insight and fewer burdens. To 'offer ourselves up' includes giving less consideration to all things material, being more aware of becoming of service to others and, as I like to say "Becoming a good deed doer." I've long said if I was independently wealthy, that would be my chosen profession. In retirement, it's possible despite my physical limitations and within our modest budgets. As we go through the day making hundreds of decisions and choices, we can practice doing the right thing. It becomes infectious, but unlike most viruses, it's one which we should all look forward to catching and never overcoming. The greatest risk attached to this evolving way of life is losing interest in many activities and goings on in the world around us. It sets one apart from the mainstream. More and more, when faced with choices, I'm able to politely say no, breaking a life long habit of saying yes before someone finishes asking the question!
These days I'm spending a good part of them moving forward with defined priority projects. One includes creating a storybook of the lives of our parents. Just this week I was reviewing the journal we kept while Dad was in hospital for 83 days at the end of his life. It's notable as it turned out to be one day for each year of his life as he died at age 83. During those days we explored many parts of his life, the adventures, the trials and the good times. About three weeks before he left us for good, he talked about how "the Spiritual Services at the hospital 'are the best.'
They don't overdo it, they get straight to the point by asking 'Are you interested in this or this? Can I share a few minutes with you in prayer or offering communion?'" It's what he said next I found somewhat surprising. It was, "We went to church regularly but didn't overdo it. When we married we didn't go. I dropped you kids off and picked you up and took you home. After your mother left us, you (Liz) asked when are we going to church?'. It hit me like a ton of bricks, someone at age five needs to go to church. Who am I to deny it? The next Sunday I started taking you kids to church."
On a more humorous note, I found a note recalling how Mike's daughter Nathalie, at age 10 questioned the experience of dying after a visit to KGH to see Dad. I paraphrase by saying "I thought dying was supposed to be sad. This is so much fun." Of course it was as Dad would play up to any cute girl in his midst, regardless of age!
It's important at this point in my life to spend my time and energy wisely, on things important to me as evidenced by this past short while of hosting a send off dinner for Nathalie on Easter weekend as she flew off to Victoria to find her fame and fortune, having completed five years of university including her Masters in Library and Information Sciences.
Of piling in the car, including Gabe's mother and his girlfriend, driving to Meaford, meeting my brother Andy, as we all went to witness Gabriel's graduation from 'Battle School' training. The next day he was off to his first real posting to Petawawa, and, already next week, heading for Wainwright, Alberta for further training.
Of spending the day with my friend Judy, reviewing, sorting and resorting Dad's Memory Box in preparation for the storybook.
Of getting to the pool as many days during the week as possible to gently embrace the healing powers of water to maintain and even improve mobility.
And so I shall continue living every day well, until I'm not and making sure I check in with self on a regular basis for an objective assessment of my wellness. I will navigate the daily steps of life trying my best to gingerly step around those rabbit holes which can, without notice, hurl one into another adventure.
Take care, enjoy each day to the fullest, and until next time,
Hugs and God Bless,
Liz
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
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