This morning, as I gazed out the back window, I couldn't help but think 'Wow the brush at the creek's edge has grown a lot in the last short while. Hey, wait a minute, it looks awfully bushy. A closer look reveals a huge ancient tree from the far side of the creek had given way, snapped the phone cable and the top branches are now resting on our side of the creek. The neighbour said she heard the commotion after midnight, confirming the theory if a tree falls and no one is around, it does make a noise, lots of noise. I can only imagine that's what woke me up. It's going to make an awesome 'scamper way' for squirrels and other wildlife to cross the creek and enjoy new adventures.
On the health front, it's been a relatively stable time with a couple of lessons thrown in for good measure to ensure I don't take on more than I can handle. Even though the calendar is nowhere near as full as it used to be, one day last week included back to back commitments pretty much all day long. It included racing (well walking quickly) from place to place leaving me too fatigued for an early evening mass I'd hoped to attend. Tired yes, but not feeling like someone who is ready to make an early exit! I've made an offer to God including my days will be spent doing His will should He choose to leave me here for a while yet. If what He wants us to do is be good, kind and merciful to others, I'm willing to give it a go as long as He'll let me.
Tomorrow brings a follow up appointment with the oncologist to see how I'm doing.
Given the insidious nature of the disease, it's been really hard to know what to watch for. As I said recently, "I don't have the time or energy to read books much anymore as I spend so much time and energy reading my body!"
While I'm keenly aware of various aches, pains and other oddities, I am not diligent enough to keep written records. Perhaps what's more important are the fairly frequent pauses I've been taking to observe how I'm feeling. There are many times, no pain, no trouble breathing, most days no daytime naps. On days when drowsiness causes head bobbing like, remember those dogs in the back of car windows? , I'm learning to give in, put all else aside and have a nap. Of late, it's a timed nap rather than an open ended snooze fest which can disrupt the balance of a day.
The frequent pauses also include a more rational view of any discomfort. It's hard work but I'm getting better at diverting thoughts from instantly going to signals of disease progression to more mundane possibilities. Is it really something serious or am I just having gas? Seriously! Is that pain in my back coming from an angry organ or just muscles overworked from the pool? Probably muscles.
In fairness to myself, throughout these adventures, any disease related issues have not been acute, sudden or obvious. Even with the burst vertebrae in my spine, it wasn't cancer, but it was through that ordeal, the cells were found in my liver. Last year's escapade originated when a sore leg from too much exercise led to discovery of a blood clot, a cat scan and a new mass in my liver. And on it goes.
All of this to say, I believe we may be closing in on the end of what medicine can do and shifting our reliance more and more onto faith and prayers. For those of us who believe in God, we also believe He has supernatural ability to make all things possible. In some ways, it sounds quite exciting to be able to stretch my faith muscles to see how flexible I might be. To see what might be possible. Even if it's a continuation of the surprised faces of the doctors who wonder at my case.
Last weekend I joined a group of friends at a silent weekend retreat at the Motherhouse of the Sisters of Providence here in Kingston. Yes, I know, you're chuckling right now thinking silence and Liz in the same sentence is an oxymoron but it's surprising how easy it is to be quiet for a full 36 hours or so. It's meant to provide space to reflect on the information provided and allow God to provide His guidance.
I met a new friend Debbie at the first such retreat I attended in 2014 in Pickering. She has been praying for and over me ever since. Thank you Debbie. On Sunday morning she passed me a note saying,
" Liz, as I was praying over you, the Lord gave me a scripture I know was for you. Isaiah 41:13.
'The Lord my God holds my hand. He is the Lord who says to me, 'Fear not. I will help you.'"
These are the moments that bring assurance, that bring peace. These are the moments I hang onto when the dark shadows move in, trying to overtake my faith and trust. These are the moments urging me to take leaps of faith as I make feeble attempts to leap in the warm water of the pool.
As I was packing up at the end of the retreat, I noticed the message on a plaque over the bed, "Today is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." And rejoice I shall, each day I wake up and prepare to see what God has planned for Him and me.
Until next time, enjoy the small pleasures of life, soaking up the warmth and sunshine wherever you can.
God Bless and Hugs,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
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