Are you bursting with Christmas cheer right about now? Have you had that last little bite of sweets, promising no more until...... well maybe one more and then wondered why you ever took even one more bite?! Our good fortune was not having made a full turkey dinner at home, until tomorrow.
We got to enjoy ham and what I thought was a huge roast beef at Brooke and Mike's but quickly learned it was venison. I heard it was great! Adventuresome as I am not, I passed on the delicacy. We enjoyed the company of twelve of us joining together like the twelve days of Christmas. Blended, extended and somewhere in between. Christmas Day we had our own kids in and out, in and out, in and out, then headed to Mike's brother's for a ham and turkey dinner. My appetite has been much less than normal making it easy not to overindulge. There we had a reunion of their two children, partners and grandchildren including great grandson Baby Kylar who is now 18 months old. A cheerful, happy little boy still in need of our prayers as he explores the world of living with Cerebral Palsy. These two young parents are doing their best caring for and clearly loving this desperately sweet, special needs child. Prayers go on.
Let's end the year with a medical update with some substance. The decision was made not to do interim blood work between chemo treatments given my positive energy levels. Hemoglobin moved up just a couple of points to 91 so at least stable; no need to rush to action (like a transfusion). Weight is 132.6 lbs of which, I would say, a good 10 lbs is a spare tire spreading comfortably around my middle. May be a good thing to focus on next year (sounds so far away huh?)
Blood pressure was in the normal range for me at 104/57. Needless to say I don't have to strictly control my salt intake.
The monthly tumour marker blood test known as CA125 as an indicator of disease activity continues to trend in the wrong direction. This time up to 315 (remember a normal healthy person is 35 yet mine last year was over 1600). The signal this time though, is it's not reacted to chemo this way before. I've had the same chemo protocol three times now since 2016 and the previous two times, the CA125 tumbled nicely into ranges below 100. It's one of those things that cause the doctors to go 'Hmmm'.
The cat scan was described as confusing which is really saying it reflects mixed results. Let me preface the details by saying overall, the cat scan is pretty darn good given where we're at. It's done with a view of the chest, abdomen and pelvis. There has been slight improvement in various areas of my liver and there are no significant changes. The downside is there is a measurable growth in the inferior right lobe of the liver making it about 2 x 3 inches. The other major mass in my liver is about 5 x 4 inches but hasn't misbehaved. Hey if you put them together I'd end up with a 7 x 7 inch square! Don't think it works that way though.
No other abdominal organs appear to be involved.
There are no issues with bony skeleton.
The overall summary is 'Slight progression of hepatic metastatic disease.....no other significant changes.'
Isn't this exciting news to be reading on New Year's??? Feel free to cast it aside as you enjoy your day being grateful for all the good things in life. Overall I must say, this has been good news. What you might be asking is 'well now what?' 'Where do you go from here?'.
It seems the chemo has run its course in effectiveness so we are going to change up the treatment plan in an effort to confuse the cancer cells. Chemo for December 19th was cancelled and I was put on a hormone treatment plan of simply one pill per day. It's called Letrozole and is one step up from Timoxofen, a very commonly used drug used with breast cancer patients. Nurse practitioner Jan went over a review of my file over the phone and concluded:
It's ok to go off the chemo drug Taxol. It's a good decision to go on Letrozole. It is an estrogen blocker which, in my case, is a good thing as the cancer cells feed on estrogen. She considers it a really good treatment option as it may go after the liver lesion, the 2 x 3 mass which hasn't responded during the first half of chemotherapy.
Ideally, everything will remain the same or improve. From here I have a three week review to see how I'm managing on the hormone therapy with a scheduled cat scan for early March. I must tell you the first few days on this drug were questionable. Oh my, night sweats like someone pouring a cup of water over your chest, changing 2-3-4 times a night. On top of this feelings of nausea. Thank goodness I still had medication to deal with post chemo nausea. Ya right. Well my decision to take those during the day left me flat on the couch nodding off one way, turning over, nodding off again, turn, repeat and still sleep at night. And then seemingly out of nowhere I developed a muscle ache in my mid back which made all else pale in comparison to the pain. Welcome back Hydromorphone.
All that pre-Christmas stress and rush I've felt in the past simply fell like melting snow, here for a moment then gone for good. It was a great way to practice mindfulness and staying in the moment.
In amongst everyone's visiting, I am ever so grateful for how kind and considerate our family has been to my latest little tumble down a slippery rabbit hole. When I shared my feelings with Matt, he simply replied 'Then don't do anything stressful.' Funny how sometimes we feel like we need permission. Nathalie arrived home from Victoria on the 20th and while we thought she'd be home with us for most of her stay, she's been doing what most 24 year olds do - jam pack every moment of every day catching up, crossing items off an agenda, visiting friends and basically using our house as a stop over or home base. Her brother Gabe and partner Maddie arrived on I think the 23rd and while we thought they'd be staying with us, they'd brought their cat Ziggy, so they promptly advised they'd be staying with Maddie's sister in Kingston. No cat's in our house. The point I'm making here is how we had an original, tentative plan, yet by remaining calm, only doing what we could, things shook themselves into place relieving us of being the 'Innkeeper' for everyone's night. They are actually quite helpful, clean and considerate so it wouldn't have been a problem but God just said, 'It's ok, I'll give you a break.' Thanks God.
Another friend of Nathalie and Paul's (her boyfriend) was supposed to stay with us last night and tonight but as it turns out, he's opted to stay at Paul's house with gently nudging from Paul. And no, I'm not fretting about what people might be thinking or if somehow we've been rated on Air B&B as not being suitable hosts lol, just kidding.
This morning I received a flustered call from Matt asking me to pick Ella up a Woodenheads where he and Jaclyn work as there was some mixup in the schedule and while they were both to be off today, both were scheduled in. Oh my! Of course I said yes, went into the garage to jump into my super mobile and fly to the rescue only to discover the front driver's side tire was flat. Back in I went, Mike instructed me to take the truck and on he went with figuring out how best to get the tire fixed (he did and we had it back by 2 pm). I am so sincerely and genuinely, almost bursting with joy, at how calm and unruffled I've remained through it all.
For a very long time I've known a trek into the depths of my inner being would be necessary, to reflect on who I really am and poke around until some things started to fall into place. I can't really identify anything specific, but I can watch myself as though watching smart tv with more and more examples of peace filled moments which, in the past were frantic and, as Mike would sometimes say 'like an open nerve'!
Last Saturday, we had Ella overnight and, when we do, usually attend Saturday 5 pm Mass. As we were walking up to the church she looked up and asked if she might be able to light the Advent candle (again). She had done so a couple of years ago and I was thrilled she even remembered!!!!
In an effort not to disappoint her, I gently told her children were usually asked before Mass and they may already have chosen someone. Happy with the answer we quickly found our seats, ready for Mass to begin. Not a minute later, Michel, a seminarian assigned to our parish, walked right up and sat in the row in front of us. I thought, oh sure, he's going to ask if I will serve at Mass just when I told Mike and Ella I wouldn't. Oh no, he turns around, speaking directly to Ella, asked if she'd like to light the candles. Candles you say????? As it turns out she and I were invited to process with the altar servers and priest to the front of the church and, with no help from anyone Ella lit the taper from the candle on the Altar (quite high for her to reach) then confidently walked back and lit each of the four Advent candles in succession. It was so nice to confirm to her God had special plans for us to go to Church that evening as He had a job for her to do. Keep spreading those seeds! She was thrilled and had many parishioners tell her what a good job she'd done.
Earlier that week we drove to Lansdowne for granddaughters Azlyn and Matilda's Christmas concerts at their school. Of course they weren't on the same day but, again the beauty of retirement allows us the luxury of taking the time to offer our encouragement and support whenever they performed. They each sang with their classes one Christmas song and we were able to soak in their in school behaviours and laugh with 4 year old Matilda's serious approach to her role as part of her class choir.
Their 10 yr. old brother Ayden served at a bake table at the entrance to the school. He came to me, absolutely glowing to say a man had just bought a $10 plate of cookies, paid with $100 bill and told him to give the change to the Foodbank where the proceeds were going. He said how he will never forget the incident for many, many years. The magic of true Christmas is everywhere if we just lend an ear, keep open an eye and remain aware of our surroundings.
Mike has been an absolute rock over the past couple of weeks, not like he isn't always, except when he caught the nasty cold mid November! He is forever at the ready, encouraging me to do whatever I need to feel better with never less than a kind word. I cannot say enough about the hero he has been to me not only these last six plus years, but in the more than 14 years we've been together. God has blessed me twice in a lifetime. I'm not really sure of the situations people find themselves in when one partner is diagnosed with a life threatening illness. Nor do I make any effort to find out. I don't need to make comparisons to learn how good my life is right now. All I know is we're able to laugh together, cry together, play together and even work together despite him having to do all the heavy lifting these days. This back pain leaves me wondering if I've met my match. Maybe for a few days, but I rely on that old streak somewhere inside where a tiny, but mighty voice declares 'Don't tell me I can't!!!' Imagine hands on hips and one foot stomped out in front of the other, eyes flashing. Well, I think she's just about had enough of this nonsense. We'll see what the new year brings!.
As I close this message just in time to see the ball cascade down Times Square remember my only resolution for many years now is simply:
To be able to say I'm glad I did rather than I wish I had!
On that note, goodnight, God Bless, and Happy New Year!
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
Monday, 31 December 2018
Saturday, 15 December 2018
Waiting, Scurrying and Nudges on the Way to Christmas
Here we are mid December having arrived in a flurry of activity yet somehow feeling slightly ahead of the annual priority juggling, while the material world vies for our full and total attention. Something which is helpful, to me at least, is a strong reminder, we are actually in a period of waiting, of joyful anticipation to celebrate and welcome the most popular birthday recipient of all time. I'm not sure why this year it's in the forefront of my mind rather than the usual trappings of the holidays. Maybe I'm getting better at 'Keeping Christ in Christmas', or acknowledging He is the 'Reason for the Season'. However you look at it, I like it!
It's been fairly quiet on the medical front with one round of chemo, a cat scan without results and a general feeling of wellness. Having said that, I was surprised when I was approached during my last session of chemo to say my hemoglobin was low (regular is between 120-150); mine was at 89. This puts me at risk of not being able to get treatment. The typical remedy in a situation like this is to give a transfusion. As it turned out, given my energy level (high even for me!), it was decided to leave well enough alone given my pep and see what the blood results are this coming week. Seems how I'm feeling is considered more accurate than a report. After all, reports can say anything, and anything is possible with prayer!
A more detailed update will follow as we close the year at the end of December. I've had a meeting with myself and Mike, to accept whatever the results are when we get the summary of the cat scan on Tuesday. I don't want to hang in anticipation of what it might say, good or bad and then react badly if the news is less than positive. After all, we are not at the end of the road of options. It would just become a new reality, another adventure on this path. I summarize it this way; Can you imagine what life may have been like had I taken the initial diagnosis and moaned, groaned, cloaked myself in self pity and worn my illness like a rain soaked overcoat despairing over every event along the way? Instead we've had six years of living life every day well until I'm not and then dealing with it! We've created lots of memories and lived lots of life along the way.
The last couple of weeks have been sprinkled with lunch and dinner out with friends, visits and making lots and lots of candy. You've heard about my one and only holiday and year round effort at being a domestic diva. It is to make the best peanut brittle one can ever taste thanks to Doris Lloyd, my Dad's dear friend of many years. She taught me how to make it and now I make it for her given she's 96, living in a long term care home. What a heartfelt turning of the table. Of course a quick story is coming here......I've written before about a Nun at the Motherhouse whose only wish last Christmas was peanut brittle, and she was 99! This year I decided to ask permission from my dear friend Sr. Patricia Ann (Sr. P.A. as we affectionately call her) if it would be ok to make a batch just for Sr. Benilda. Before I had a chance to ask, Sr. P.A. call me a couple of Fridays ago to say Sr. Benilda passed away a month after her 100th birthday. There was to be a visitation attended by her 4 nieces from Winnipeg and B.C. followed by a Funeral at the Motherhouse the next day. Over the weekend I pondered what I might do to honour this fan favourite. I felt a nudge to consider something but was held back by feelings of vanity. After all, who am I to think it might mean anything to anyone to insert myself during their grieving bearing gifts of candy?
Understanding protocol, I called Sr. P.A. on the morning of the visitation to see if my idea was at all appropriate. After we talked back and forth, she agreed it would be lovely to drop by and would meet us at the door. Thankfully I had made several batches of this 'caramel gold' that very morning and made up four little bags for the nieces with a tag 'In memory of Sr. Benilda' along with a larger sack for the Sisters in general. We were ushered to the front of the Chapel, paid our respects and were introduced to the family. Sr. P.A. of course did so with grace and dignity explaining our connection to their beloved aunt. As I handed each one their token of appreciation, in turn, they started to cry saying they had heard about and one had even had the delight of tasting a few morsels. The reaction was so touching, I was almost overcome with joy to realize what an impact such a simple act could have. One of the nieces actually asked to set up an arrangement where she might order it and I ship it to her in Winnipeg. Oh my! As it happened two priests were present at the time, commented on how 'sweet' the gesture was but also said they didn't know I made peanut brittle. My reply was 'It's there for the asking', their response? 'Consider yourself asked'. Too funny. I'm not sure I can impart the overall feeling of true grace we felt during such a brief exchange. For me it was a big, bold step in presuming my actions would be welcomed by the Sisters, even with Sr. P.A.'s nod of approval. All I can say to you is when you get those gentle nudges, remain open, pay attention, and most importantly act when it feels right.
Last Sunday, I was invited to Matt and Jaclyn's to build and decorate a gingerbread house with Ella. On arrival, Christmas music was playing, the three of them were decorating their very first Christmas tree, enjoying every moment of creating a new tradition together. At one point, Matt and Jaclyn, and even I turned away from the tree decorating to do some small task to which Ella reacted by saying "Do I have to decorate the tree by myself?' Oh, my out of the mouths of babes as they say! I have shared the same feeling many times over the years and quickly reassured her it was not the case and how having to decorate by yourself can be no fun. I felt it was important to acknowledge her feelings. There of course can be times when such an activity, on your own can be peaceful and almost restorative, yet most of us clamour for the participation of others closest to us when decorating a Christmas tree. Together we completed the task despite heroic efforts in trying to affix the star at the top which decided it was not the star for the job!
As we built the gingerbread house, Matt assisted with his engineering prowess (after all he has a B.A. in Social Sciences lol) but left the construction to us. It was delightful to have the building come together and have Ella wear the 'white hat', leading the way in architectural design. Oh my, I just realized I didn't take a photo of the final product to share with you. Oh well, I leave it to your imagination to see it with your mind's eye. Matt's comment as I was leaving summed up the afternoon we shared 'It's the most Christmas spirit I've seen since leaving home.' I couldn't agree more as he and Jaclyn settle into their married life together.
Today is the 27th birthday of my favourite identical twin sisters, Michelle and Paige Kasaboski and tomorrow is Michelle's second Christmas concert, this year at the Grand Theatre. She not only has a beautiful voice, a bit like Karen Carpenter, she plays music and has written a number of songs. Sister Paige is the Producer to Michelle's lead on vocals and tomorrow will definitely be a highlight in sparking the festive season. A number of years ago I was asked to be their sponsor for Confirmation in the Catholic Church. During the ceremony, as the candidates line up to be confirmed, the sponsor stands behind with a hand on their shoulder. As the Bishop confirmed one of the twins and moved to the next, I too moved to the next. With a twinkle in his eye, his Grace looked at me to say 'Oh, you're doing double duty today'. I agreed and have been privileged to know these girls and their older sister since they were about 8 years old and watch them grow and mature into lovely young women.
I will leave you with a wish for you and yours to enjoy the next couple of weeks with family and friends. May you share with one another a deep sense of loving community, whatever your circumstances. I wish you good health and peace in your heart. I know the end to our year is better the more we let God take charge - for a change. All the very best and I hope to be back on New Year's Eve.
Take care, hugs, God Bless, and Merry Christmas
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
It's been fairly quiet on the medical front with one round of chemo, a cat scan without results and a general feeling of wellness. Having said that, I was surprised when I was approached during my last session of chemo to say my hemoglobin was low (regular is between 120-150); mine was at 89. This puts me at risk of not being able to get treatment. The typical remedy in a situation like this is to give a transfusion. As it turned out, given my energy level (high even for me!), it was decided to leave well enough alone given my pep and see what the blood results are this coming week. Seems how I'm feeling is considered more accurate than a report. After all, reports can say anything, and anything is possible with prayer!
A more detailed update will follow as we close the year at the end of December. I've had a meeting with myself and Mike, to accept whatever the results are when we get the summary of the cat scan on Tuesday. I don't want to hang in anticipation of what it might say, good or bad and then react badly if the news is less than positive. After all, we are not at the end of the road of options. It would just become a new reality, another adventure on this path. I summarize it this way; Can you imagine what life may have been like had I taken the initial diagnosis and moaned, groaned, cloaked myself in self pity and worn my illness like a rain soaked overcoat despairing over every event along the way? Instead we've had six years of living life every day well until I'm not and then dealing with it! We've created lots of memories and lived lots of life along the way.
The last couple of weeks have been sprinkled with lunch and dinner out with friends, visits and making lots and lots of candy. You've heard about my one and only holiday and year round effort at being a domestic diva. It is to make the best peanut brittle one can ever taste thanks to Doris Lloyd, my Dad's dear friend of many years. She taught me how to make it and now I make it for her given she's 96, living in a long term care home. What a heartfelt turning of the table. Of course a quick story is coming here......I've written before about a Nun at the Motherhouse whose only wish last Christmas was peanut brittle, and she was 99! This year I decided to ask permission from my dear friend Sr. Patricia Ann (Sr. P.A. as we affectionately call her) if it would be ok to make a batch just for Sr. Benilda. Before I had a chance to ask, Sr. P.A. call me a couple of Fridays ago to say Sr. Benilda passed away a month after her 100th birthday. There was to be a visitation attended by her 4 nieces from Winnipeg and B.C. followed by a Funeral at the Motherhouse the next day. Over the weekend I pondered what I might do to honour this fan favourite. I felt a nudge to consider something but was held back by feelings of vanity. After all, who am I to think it might mean anything to anyone to insert myself during their grieving bearing gifts of candy?
Understanding protocol, I called Sr. P.A. on the morning of the visitation to see if my idea was at all appropriate. After we talked back and forth, she agreed it would be lovely to drop by and would meet us at the door. Thankfully I had made several batches of this 'caramel gold' that very morning and made up four little bags for the nieces with a tag 'In memory of Sr. Benilda' along with a larger sack for the Sisters in general. We were ushered to the front of the Chapel, paid our respects and were introduced to the family. Sr. P.A. of course did so with grace and dignity explaining our connection to their beloved aunt. As I handed each one their token of appreciation, in turn, they started to cry saying they had heard about and one had even had the delight of tasting a few morsels. The reaction was so touching, I was almost overcome with joy to realize what an impact such a simple act could have. One of the nieces actually asked to set up an arrangement where she might order it and I ship it to her in Winnipeg. Oh my! As it happened two priests were present at the time, commented on how 'sweet' the gesture was but also said they didn't know I made peanut brittle. My reply was 'It's there for the asking', their response? 'Consider yourself asked'. Too funny. I'm not sure I can impart the overall feeling of true grace we felt during such a brief exchange. For me it was a big, bold step in presuming my actions would be welcomed by the Sisters, even with Sr. P.A.'s nod of approval. All I can say to you is when you get those gentle nudges, remain open, pay attention, and most importantly act when it feels right.
Last Sunday, I was invited to Matt and Jaclyn's to build and decorate a gingerbread house with Ella. On arrival, Christmas music was playing, the three of them were decorating their very first Christmas tree, enjoying every moment of creating a new tradition together. At one point, Matt and Jaclyn, and even I turned away from the tree decorating to do some small task to which Ella reacted by saying "Do I have to decorate the tree by myself?' Oh, my out of the mouths of babes as they say! I have shared the same feeling many times over the years and quickly reassured her it was not the case and how having to decorate by yourself can be no fun. I felt it was important to acknowledge her feelings. There of course can be times when such an activity, on your own can be peaceful and almost restorative, yet most of us clamour for the participation of others closest to us when decorating a Christmas tree. Together we completed the task despite heroic efforts in trying to affix the star at the top which decided it was not the star for the job!
As we built the gingerbread house, Matt assisted with his engineering prowess (after all he has a B.A. in Social Sciences lol) but left the construction to us. It was delightful to have the building come together and have Ella wear the 'white hat', leading the way in architectural design. Oh my, I just realized I didn't take a photo of the final product to share with you. Oh well, I leave it to your imagination to see it with your mind's eye. Matt's comment as I was leaving summed up the afternoon we shared 'It's the most Christmas spirit I've seen since leaving home.' I couldn't agree more as he and Jaclyn settle into their married life together.
Today is the 27th birthday of my favourite identical twin sisters, Michelle and Paige Kasaboski and tomorrow is Michelle's second Christmas concert, this year at the Grand Theatre. She not only has a beautiful voice, a bit like Karen Carpenter, she plays music and has written a number of songs. Sister Paige is the Producer to Michelle's lead on vocals and tomorrow will definitely be a highlight in sparking the festive season. A number of years ago I was asked to be their sponsor for Confirmation in the Catholic Church. During the ceremony, as the candidates line up to be confirmed, the sponsor stands behind with a hand on their shoulder. As the Bishop confirmed one of the twins and moved to the next, I too moved to the next. With a twinkle in his eye, his Grace looked at me to say 'Oh, you're doing double duty today'. I agreed and have been privileged to know these girls and their older sister since they were about 8 years old and watch them grow and mature into lovely young women.
I will leave you with a wish for you and yours to enjoy the next couple of weeks with family and friends. May you share with one another a deep sense of loving community, whatever your circumstances. I wish you good health and peace in your heart. I know the end to our year is better the more we let God take charge - for a change. All the very best and I hope to be back on New Year's Eve.
Take care, hugs, God Bless, and Merry Christmas
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
Friday, 30 November 2018
I'm Glad I Did ..... I Wish I Had......
My annual New Year's Resolution for a very long time has been to be able to say "I'm glad I did rather than I wish I had." Well, in the last couple of weeks it has played out both ways big time. More on that shortly after a short medical update.
Next week marks the halfway point of treatment already, and with it comes a Cat Scan to determine the effectiveness of therapy thus far. Booked for December 6th, we'll learn soon after whether the chemo is doing what it's meant to, with the hope of shrinking the size of lesions and masses which have taken up residence in my body for the past six years.
One thing I've talked about in past posts is a blood test called the CA125 or tumour marker, just one indicator of disease. Last November when I got very sick, it was over 1600 (the average healthy person is about 35) but by the time I finished chemo at the end of April this year it was down to 66, an incredible feat. Since September, when we started tracking the CA125 again it has slowly been climbing to 198 and, most recently, to 264. This is the first time it has been trending upward despite being on chemo. Be that as it may, I'm surprised at my calm reaction to the information. After all, it's one indicator and I'm practicing leaving all such matters in God's Hands. Let's wait until we get the result of the Cat Scan and a discussion with the oncologist. Stay tuned for a further update. Otherwise I've been feeling surprisingly well with lots of energy to catch up, get things done and keep up the pool time.
Well, we're sure glad we got to St. Jean to visit our friends Mary and Frank mid November. Frank was admitted to Hospice Care on November 22nd and passed away on November 25th. A visit could so easily have been postponed for any number of reasons. Rather, we are left with the warm comfort of having spent time with chosen family one final time. We will travel back to St. Jean next weekend for a low key visitation and goodbye.
The Saturday after our visit, my son Matt called to ask if I'd heard about MaryAnn. No, I couldn't imagine what he was referring to about this very long time family friend. While we haven't connected closely for several years, it was one of those feelings when we saw one another five months ago, the years melting away like a late spring snow. As though all was fresh and new, she touched my arm, suggesting we get together soon. I totally agreed. I only wish we had. Matt was calling to tell me MaryAnn (our age) had passed away the day Mike and I went to St. Jean, after only five weeks of illness. We, along with so many others were in total shock on how such a wonderful, caring Mom and Grandma, could leave so quickly. The following week was sad with visitation and funeral for one of the nicest, kindest people we've known. It was a privilege for me to be an altar server at MaryAnn's Funeral Mass at our church, on my birthday. I'm glad I reached out to the person who schedules servers for funerals as I hadn't received the email for MaryAnn's.
On the Wednesday prior to the funeral, I kept getting a nudge to stop in at the house, one I could find in my sleep from all the visits we shared when the kids were younger. I thought of the hundreds of times I'd passed by the side street leading to their place yet had not turned in. Well, Wednesday I did turn in. Taking a deep breath I walked up and rang the door bell. All was quiet, almost too quiet. No one home? Possibly. Certainly not full up with family at that point. Next, Dave opened the door, ushered me in and we sat for the next two hours as though our last visit had been the day before. I'm so very glad I paid attention to the nudge. Just to give you better context, Dave was a pallbearer for my husband Rick's funeral, in November 2002. Lots of water under the bridge between our families.
They spent years coaching hockey together and many a Saturday night we'd get together for Hockey Night in Canada while MaryAnn and I did crafts, especially tole painting of one kind or another. I promised to hold up my end of the agreement to visit and we will keep in contact with Dave.
Just this week our Church held a memorial service for those who'd lost loved ones this year. Back at the end of October I'd received a letter of invite for just last evening to join in the celebration. Right on the letter it said we were welcome to invite other family members and friends. It's been on the calendar all this time and yet I went to the event honouring my brother Andrew, on my own. Almost as soon as the singing started my heart almost broke on not having invited Matt and Jaclyn to join me since Mike had another commitment. Oh, how badly I wish I had thought of it! What a missed opportunity for us to get together once again to acknowledge the loss in our lives. I am still shaking my head at myself on this one. I almost wonder if I've become so accustomed to just skipping off to church for this function or that event, on my own, and added the date to the calendar without a second thought. Clearly huh?!?!
So much more has gone on these past two weeks, but I really want to share with you a story from earlier yesterday which actually began on Wednesday. It too, carries a very profound, I'm glad I did. On reflection it's almost like the divine puppet masters of our lives knew exactly what was to unfold and orchestrated things to fall into place exactly as needed. What in the name am I talking about you might wonder. Well, it's got to do with my oldest acquaintance time wise in Kingston, our very first neighbour Geneva. We reconnected, last year, also after a number of years, only this time I'm glad we have remained in contact. I have written about Geneva in a previous post, where I learned she had been diagnosed with ALS about 18 months ago. Between visits and emails, time has marched on with a recent request from Geneva for help with getting to and from physio. Only a couple of weeks ago, Mike bundled her up and got her downtown for treatment and home again. I hadn't heard from her so decided not to let too much time pass and emailed asking if I could visit. Sure was the response and we had the date of this past Wednesday about 11:00 before I went for chemo.
While there Geneva was thinking she and I could start work on a 'knot quilt' which is quite easy and can be fun to do, especially having someone to work alongside. It turned out though, an hour had passed and I had to get on my way, when off handedly I offered to come by again tomorrow (being yesterday) without even knowing what was on the calendar. My mental capacity has become quite reliant on the written notes rather than keeping all such things in my head like I used to. Anyway we agreed 2:30 would be a good time and we could work on the quilt. Geneva could go to physio with her nephew using the Access Bus, have a rest and be ready for my arrival to play.
Well, I got there just after 2:30, only to learn Geneva and her nephew had arrived not too long before me, and were upstairs navigating a return to her current confined living space of her bedroom and en suite bath. Ok, well why is Geneva sitting on the floor at the top of the stairs on a bath sheet? I must tell you in the midst of all this, the Stair Lift Company was expected on Wednesday to install a lift to wrap around both landings on the stairs. As at the time of writing they were yet to come. It turns out, after a very lengthy delay in getting to physio and back, she simply could not help in navigating the last two steps. Geneva's idea was to slide her across the hallway carpet to the wood floor in her room before attempting to get her into the hospital bed now in her room. She hugged herself, her rugged 6 ft. something nephew (a firefighter I later learned) took hold of the towel and dragged her down the hall and propped her against the bed. According to Geneva, I couldn't have come at a better time to save her a lot of pain and distress in being hauled onto the bed and rearranged into some manageably comfortable position. While I held her knees bent, Bill stood on the bed and using the straps of Geneva's 'transfer belt' pulled her up in one fell swoop. This of course, after being coached on getting the bed to its lowest level, as flat as possible to make the transition as smooth as possible. It seems within minutes we had her comfortably in place with lots of laughs along the way. Poor Bill had another commitment and had I not offered to drop over, Geneva may have had to be alone for a short time before her daughters got home from work. Thankfully I could stay and visit. And laugh. A lot.
Once settled, I brought out a dollar store purchase of 2 hairbands, one with reindeer antennas and one with Santa. She chose reindeer and so we put them on to carry on our visit, agreeing the quilt making will simply have to wait for another day.
We did a debrief of the entire episode and here's a small glimpse from Geneva's side of things. She found the towel 'ride' safe, secure and wrapped in love compared to all the other trips down the hall filled with pain. She felt she could move fast and with no effort at all. It was such a contrast of the terror of going up and down stairs with increasing loss of motor control. We happily chatted about how we can live life in the midst of terminal illness, and how similar our views are on what we'd like to have happen 'at the end' in terms of funerals and the like. At one point Geneva's two daughters Maria and Anna Louisa joined us, both personal support workers and we had a warm and almost joyful chat about our plans while their little dog nuzzled between us, the entertainment for the visit.
Geneva shared the challenges of the day and how things ended up the way they did and we all laughed about how everything was as though it was set up for us to all be in position to do what needed to be done. I can't tell you how close and comfortable we all were despite knowing both of our 'best before dates' might come up sooner than we'd like or hope. We are both though, leaving it in God's Hands to do as He will.
Just before a photo shoot, Geneva decided we needed a name for our relationship and out of her mouth popped 'The Terminal Twins'. We almost cried tears of laughter and agreed it was most fitting for us in our current state. So enjoy the photo of us, having so much fun in the midst of what could be sad and pitiful, complaining of all the problems we had. It leaves me wondering what might happen when we next get together with the intention of making the quilt which is patiently sitting on the next bed waiting to be opened and made into a gift. May it 'rest in peace' while we carry on living in the moment!!!!
Until next time, enjoy each day as it comes your way and try to keep in mind 'I'd like to say I'm glad I did rather than I wish I had.'
Take care, hugs and God Bless,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
Next week marks the halfway point of treatment already, and with it comes a Cat Scan to determine the effectiveness of therapy thus far. Booked for December 6th, we'll learn soon after whether the chemo is doing what it's meant to, with the hope of shrinking the size of lesions and masses which have taken up residence in my body for the past six years.
One thing I've talked about in past posts is a blood test called the CA125 or tumour marker, just one indicator of disease. Last November when I got very sick, it was over 1600 (the average healthy person is about 35) but by the time I finished chemo at the end of April this year it was down to 66, an incredible feat. Since September, when we started tracking the CA125 again it has slowly been climbing to 198 and, most recently, to 264. This is the first time it has been trending upward despite being on chemo. Be that as it may, I'm surprised at my calm reaction to the information. After all, it's one indicator and I'm practicing leaving all such matters in God's Hands. Let's wait until we get the result of the Cat Scan and a discussion with the oncologist. Stay tuned for a further update. Otherwise I've been feeling surprisingly well with lots of energy to catch up, get things done and keep up the pool time.
Well, we're sure glad we got to St. Jean to visit our friends Mary and Frank mid November. Frank was admitted to Hospice Care on November 22nd and passed away on November 25th. A visit could so easily have been postponed for any number of reasons. Rather, we are left with the warm comfort of having spent time with chosen family one final time. We will travel back to St. Jean next weekend for a low key visitation and goodbye.
The Saturday after our visit, my son Matt called to ask if I'd heard about MaryAnn. No, I couldn't imagine what he was referring to about this very long time family friend. While we haven't connected closely for several years, it was one of those feelings when we saw one another five months ago, the years melting away like a late spring snow. As though all was fresh and new, she touched my arm, suggesting we get together soon. I totally agreed. I only wish we had. Matt was calling to tell me MaryAnn (our age) had passed away the day Mike and I went to St. Jean, after only five weeks of illness. We, along with so many others were in total shock on how such a wonderful, caring Mom and Grandma, could leave so quickly. The following week was sad with visitation and funeral for one of the nicest, kindest people we've known. It was a privilege for me to be an altar server at MaryAnn's Funeral Mass at our church, on my birthday. I'm glad I reached out to the person who schedules servers for funerals as I hadn't received the email for MaryAnn's.
On the Wednesday prior to the funeral, I kept getting a nudge to stop in at the house, one I could find in my sleep from all the visits we shared when the kids were younger. I thought of the hundreds of times I'd passed by the side street leading to their place yet had not turned in. Well, Wednesday I did turn in. Taking a deep breath I walked up and rang the door bell. All was quiet, almost too quiet. No one home? Possibly. Certainly not full up with family at that point. Next, Dave opened the door, ushered me in and we sat for the next two hours as though our last visit had been the day before. I'm so very glad I paid attention to the nudge. Just to give you better context, Dave was a pallbearer for my husband Rick's funeral, in November 2002. Lots of water under the bridge between our families.
They spent years coaching hockey together and many a Saturday night we'd get together for Hockey Night in Canada while MaryAnn and I did crafts, especially tole painting of one kind or another. I promised to hold up my end of the agreement to visit and we will keep in contact with Dave.
Just this week our Church held a memorial service for those who'd lost loved ones this year. Back at the end of October I'd received a letter of invite for just last evening to join in the celebration. Right on the letter it said we were welcome to invite other family members and friends. It's been on the calendar all this time and yet I went to the event honouring my brother Andrew, on my own. Almost as soon as the singing started my heart almost broke on not having invited Matt and Jaclyn to join me since Mike had another commitment. Oh, how badly I wish I had thought of it! What a missed opportunity for us to get together once again to acknowledge the loss in our lives. I am still shaking my head at myself on this one. I almost wonder if I've become so accustomed to just skipping off to church for this function or that event, on my own, and added the date to the calendar without a second thought. Clearly huh?!?!
So much more has gone on these past two weeks, but I really want to share with you a story from earlier yesterday which actually began on Wednesday. It too, carries a very profound, I'm glad I did. On reflection it's almost like the divine puppet masters of our lives knew exactly what was to unfold and orchestrated things to fall into place exactly as needed. What in the name am I talking about you might wonder. Well, it's got to do with my oldest acquaintance time wise in Kingston, our very first neighbour Geneva. We reconnected, last year, also after a number of years, only this time I'm glad we have remained in contact. I have written about Geneva in a previous post, where I learned she had been diagnosed with ALS about 18 months ago. Between visits and emails, time has marched on with a recent request from Geneva for help with getting to and from physio. Only a couple of weeks ago, Mike bundled her up and got her downtown for treatment and home again. I hadn't heard from her so decided not to let too much time pass and emailed asking if I could visit. Sure was the response and we had the date of this past Wednesday about 11:00 before I went for chemo.
While there Geneva was thinking she and I could start work on a 'knot quilt' which is quite easy and can be fun to do, especially having someone to work alongside. It turned out though, an hour had passed and I had to get on my way, when off handedly I offered to come by again tomorrow (being yesterday) without even knowing what was on the calendar. My mental capacity has become quite reliant on the written notes rather than keeping all such things in my head like I used to. Anyway we agreed 2:30 would be a good time and we could work on the quilt. Geneva could go to physio with her nephew using the Access Bus, have a rest and be ready for my arrival to play.
Well, I got there just after 2:30, only to learn Geneva and her nephew had arrived not too long before me, and were upstairs navigating a return to her current confined living space of her bedroom and en suite bath. Ok, well why is Geneva sitting on the floor at the top of the stairs on a bath sheet? I must tell you in the midst of all this, the Stair Lift Company was expected on Wednesday to install a lift to wrap around both landings on the stairs. As at the time of writing they were yet to come. It turns out, after a very lengthy delay in getting to physio and back, she simply could not help in navigating the last two steps. Geneva's idea was to slide her across the hallway carpet to the wood floor in her room before attempting to get her into the hospital bed now in her room. She hugged herself, her rugged 6 ft. something nephew (a firefighter I later learned) took hold of the towel and dragged her down the hall and propped her against the bed. According to Geneva, I couldn't have come at a better time to save her a lot of pain and distress in being hauled onto the bed and rearranged into some manageably comfortable position. While I held her knees bent, Bill stood on the bed and using the straps of Geneva's 'transfer belt' pulled her up in one fell swoop. This of course, after being coached on getting the bed to its lowest level, as flat as possible to make the transition as smooth as possible. It seems within minutes we had her comfortably in place with lots of laughs along the way. Poor Bill had another commitment and had I not offered to drop over, Geneva may have had to be alone for a short time before her daughters got home from work. Thankfully I could stay and visit. And laugh. A lot.
Once settled, I brought out a dollar store purchase of 2 hairbands, one with reindeer antennas and one with Santa. She chose reindeer and so we put them on to carry on our visit, agreeing the quilt making will simply have to wait for another day.
We did a debrief of the entire episode and here's a small glimpse from Geneva's side of things. She found the towel 'ride' safe, secure and wrapped in love compared to all the other trips down the hall filled with pain. She felt she could move fast and with no effort at all. It was such a contrast of the terror of going up and down stairs with increasing loss of motor control. We happily chatted about how we can live life in the midst of terminal illness, and how similar our views are on what we'd like to have happen 'at the end' in terms of funerals and the like. At one point Geneva's two daughters Maria and Anna Louisa joined us, both personal support workers and we had a warm and almost joyful chat about our plans while their little dog nuzzled between us, the entertainment for the visit.
Geneva shared the challenges of the day and how things ended up the way they did and we all laughed about how everything was as though it was set up for us to all be in position to do what needed to be done. I can't tell you how close and comfortable we all were despite knowing both of our 'best before dates' might come up sooner than we'd like or hope. We are both though, leaving it in God's Hands to do as He will.
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| The Terminal Twins |
Until next time, enjoy each day as it comes your way and try to keep in mind 'I'd like to say I'm glad I did rather than I wish I had.'
Take care, hugs and God Bless,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
Thursday, 15 November 2018
Living, Loving & Acting on Nudges
Today is a perfect example of a perfect day in the life of retirement. When else can you, in the middle of the week, plan a visit to out of province friends? Stay in a quaint hotel, deal directly with the owner by phone when booking a room at noon, check in with her at 9 p.m. and check out with the same person at 9 a.m. She's owned the place for 45 years and lives upstairs! At breakfast, we watched the migratory birds gather on the Richelieu River for a preflight early morning conference, surely filing their flight paths with air traffic control and reconfirming their lead pilots. Today, we drive leisurely back to Kingston allowing me time to ponder what stories might come forth in my random wanderings.
As the pavement rolls by beneath, a plane is flying above to who knows where, music from the 70’s on the truck stereo leaves me with a free spirit, with little to no concern about this diagnosis I carry around day to day. Let’s just live life weaving in and out of the obstacles, around and about the medical appointments, dancing our way into the future to who knows where. A recent saying floated into my mind, one resonating deep within my soul and one I’m praying to live by.
It’s simply this, “Look at myself as God sees me, and let His light shine through me to everyone I meet.” Seems a pretty easy way to live the first, and really, only two commandments, to love God and love one another.
Loving one another was in action yesterday and today when we visited Frank and Mary, 96 and 89, still living in their own immaculate home despite Frank’s declining health. Boy oh boy anyone would love to look so well as he does, even now. They moved back to Quebec after almost 25 years in Ontario where we became fast and forever friends. Another chosen family, there when we need them, sharing in the good times and the inevitable challenges. This time it was our turn to visit them during a lull in between surgeries and hospital stays – on either of our parts.
Before I get too far, a quick medical update, quick because it’s quite brief with most of my bodily functions in order. I’ve put two cycles of chemo to bed and start the third next week. I’ve decided chemo will be our winter project with life happily cobbled around the weekly draws of blood followed by a couple of hours sitting in ‘the chair’ pre-meds to stave off nasty reactions and the cocktail to coax the cells into slumber. I continue to marvel at how easy it is to accommodate this dimension in my life as long as I’m in the right frame of mind and heart. Keep ahead of any aches and pains, rest in advance of exhaustion and continue to live life. I have to confess to a weakness when it comes to vanity.
Since a long absence of getting my hair cut and styled, I finally had it pixied and highlighted. What a change of outlook. It seems like I somehow fit better within my own body – because of a hair cut? – sort of, but also getting more active with 5 days in a row at the pool last week. Maybe the last vestiges of the roly poly, Pillsbury Dough Girl have worn off taking the feelings of puffiness with them. I feel as though I can move a little more freely than in the past and the warm water of course is so comforting and soothing.
Mike and I just watched a program on health and weight including using the ‘string test’ to determine one’s overall fitness according to the BMI (Body Mass Index) theory. It’s supposed to give us a more accurate reading of our fat carrying health. Take a string, measure how tall you are, remember it, or write it down, then cut the string in half and see if it can go comfortably around your waist. I’m not kidding, try it and maybe look it up so I don’t have to here, and bore those with no interest at all in this topic lol. My BMI while finally back in the normal range, I ‘failed’ the string test by 4 inches around my waist. Mike agreed with me though, with the mass I’m carrying around in my liver of 4 in x 5 in could well account for my failure. It was interesting if nothing else and while I suppose it doesn’t matter what I do at this stage, how I feel physically does matter.
A year ago today I was laid up in KGH, not really in control of many of my faculties. What I thought was flu, turned into a full blown cancer crisis landing me 10 days in Haven Hospital. The only place to be when you’re that sick. Fortunately for me, once we navigated through the tsunamis of pain, and waves of possible infection, I landed back in the land of the living and home. The only place to be when you’re over being that sick. I’m ever so grateful we’ve been able to stay ahead of any such storm since. Despite some progression of disease. Maybe we’re getting better at playing the game, mindful of the warning signs along the path of our adventures.
We’ve been to 80thand 90thdrop in birthday parties, 50thanniversary afternoon dance, a comedy show, figure skating, memorial service, old friends, new friends and more. All in the last couple of weeks. Something noticeable among the people we’ve spent time with, is how those who remain physically active into their retirement years, have considerable spunk and energy regardless of age. We all need to remember to stay as flexible as our achey brakey bodies let us. I’ve spent time in the pool at the Y with ladies well into their mid nineties who have no reservation about donning a bathing suit and swimming for 20-30 minutes no matter the weather. Talk about inspiration and role models! These observations helped me appreciate the importance of an active lifestyle, on which I believe I’d been living B.C. (before cancer) and working to maintain ever since. The biggest downside is the ongoing levels of fatigue. A little answer to it is, even if falling asleep in a chair, get up, move around, sit somewhere else and do something. Anything. It works. I’m doing it right now. I started this post in the truck around noon and here I am after 7 p.m. trying to finish it before my self-imposed deadline of sometime tonight.
Thanks for walking through my rambling and thoughts attached to the seemingly ordinary things in life. My eyes are seeing more clearly the beauty of God around me and my ears are hearing the whispers He shares with me (? Only me? Others? Those who pause to listen?). The gentle smile to or from a stranger all lighting up the path of life.
Sometimes in life we just have to go with whatever is in our heart or sixth sense or whatever you want to call it. I personally believe they are little nudges from God to act on something you may otherwise dismiss. I’d like to close with an update on a story I shared with you over the summer about the ‘girl in the lighthouse ice cream shop’ in Neil’s Harbour, Cape Breton, Nova Scotia. Remember the story about the sea glass? How I ran back to ask if she might pick me some pieces from the beach and send them to me and she did!!!!
A few weeks ago I received a Thank You card in response to the Thank You card I sent to her for sending me the sea glass. It reads (excerpts)….
‘Thank you for the wonderful card and blog (I sent her a printed copy of the post with her story). I appreciate your kindness, but I never expected money in return. (I had offered to pay her for collecting the sea glass and meant it) I have been blessed to meet you and am incredibly touched by your heartfelt words’……….I have been busy with school, running and volleyball, but I haven’t stopped thinking about you. I showed my family members your cards and blog and they are just as touched as I am. Please accept this bracelet as a gift for everything you have done. I received it on my day of confirmation and want you to have it. Thank you for everything!’
All of this from a lightning strike thought of asking a student to do me a favour. It brings my thoughts right back around to the start of this post as an example of ‘allowing me to see myself as God sees me, so His light can shine through to everyone I meet.’ All the glory of the story belongs to Him. I just paid attention and followed the nudges.
Until next time, Just Bee whenever you can, be open to the signs and love one another.
Take care, hugs and
God Bless,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
Wednesday, 31 October 2018
Trick or Treat - A Day in the Life of Chemo Treatment
Happy Hallowe'en on this soggy October 31st. Not being a real fan of the dress up thing, I thought we might take a walk down Chemo Lane today. I promise not to scare the day lights out of you but rather share the experience of having treatment.We arrived 20 minutes early, I checked in, no sooner sat down when called to 'enter'. Wow that was quick although you're never left waiting.
My nurse said 'we even have your meds ready! We have patients who waited over 2 hours and just got them.' Right off the bat I say thanks to God for taking such good care of us.I settle into Chair #8, with an inside view, and you can tell from the photo, no one's privacy is breached otherwise I wouldn't even consider taking it. Warm blankets on my arms to coax the veins to the surface and a volunteer soon offering snacks and a drink.
There's no trouble getting the IV in on the first try with the first pre-med of a steroid, dexamethozone soon coursing through my system. This is followed by ranitidine and, finally Benadryl, each taking about 15 minutes. All 3 of these are to prevent reactions to the chemo drug itself which is called paclataxol. I just learned today, this drug is particularly sensitive to patients and one of those which people will react, sometimes severely, on the first or second session. Once again I thank God for the tolerance I have had with my own chemo cocktail. The entire process will be just over 2 hours.
Already patients have come, others have gone, all the while every chair filled with people traveling their own path with stories as unique as the 'bums in seats' and the protocol of drugs pumped into each of us. All sizes, shapes and ages, except those under age 18 who have their own child friendly spaces.Our friend Tess just arrived, our faithful advocate, supporter, and interpreter who provides a much needed set of ears when we go to appointments and chemo sessions. She is a wealth of knowledge as a retired nurse with a solid understanding of most things medical. Every day Tess and the members of her family in medicine review what's new in their world, discuss things at family gatherings I'm sure. I likened it to the 'Red Bloods', similar to the police show 'Blue Bloods'. And we are the grateful beneficiaries of some of that expertise. When I first had chemo in early 2013, Tess and friend Marion brought a beautiful dollar store variety of a tiara along with a hand made note on a piece of lined paper to celebrate the Princess of Chemo. I just spent quite a lot of time trying to find the related photo and have given up. I'm sure you can picture the moment in your mind.
The hum of machines along with low level chatter among patients, friends and families helps time pass. Some of the nurses joined in the spirit of the day, caring for their patients as a hippie from the '70's, a bee, unicorn and the like, bringing smiles to everyone they meet. The care is truly as good as you might hear. And I don't mean the ever beeping and ringing of bells to signal meds are done! You never feel left waiting, wondering or hoping for someone to come by. The teams work as one, seamlessly helping one another to ensure we are all looked after with utmost compassion and respect. As you sit there, a common sight is to have patients waltz past with their I.V. poles as silent dance partners heading for the bathroom to flush out the liquids almost as quickly as they're being pumped into us! It's a place of familiarity, a passing glance, eye contact leading to a knowing smile, even blank stares for those choosing to deal with the day privately, in their own way.
After my turn to dance Mike and Tess become engrossed in a discussion about the recently established hockey pool Tess has joined. How she knows all those players, their names and styles of play is totally beyond me. Maybe as a grandma of 7, including 5 boys I think almost all of who play hockey, is an important way of keeping in contact and engaged. We after all have 9 grandkids including only 1 boy with none of the girls involved in Canada's favourite sport.
Before we know it, the chemo drug is done, on my return from the bathroom, it starts to ring and bingo, treatment is complete for another week. A little flush here, a little pull there to remove the I.V. a piece of tape to wrap things up and we're on our way. At just past 3:30 in the afternoon, it's unlikely anyone will be arriving to start chemo. Their typical day is from 8 - 4:00 or 4:30 with a couple of nurses working until 5 or 5:30 for those of us who 'draw' for the latest times. It's all done by way of some internal 'lottery' for times and maybe even chairs. So far I've not had a 'window seat' overlooking Lake Ontario. I like to think those spots are saved for those who may just be starting their own adventures in prayer and medicine.
We find our way back to our cars, and fortunately our parking angel has accommodated us over the years of treatment and appointments, allowing for a spot fairly close to the cancer centre. We pay a special rate of $1/hour to a maximum of $5/day. While it used to be free, a decision was made to implement a reduced rate for cancer patients in order to be closer to fair to other patients who also may have to spend many days at the hospital (like dialysis patients) who pay regular rates. We feel it's worth doing our share. After all we are blessed to have such specialized care a mere 20 minutes from home.
The chemo appears to be working by the results of regular bloodwork done the day before each treatment. All is in line with no more concern about a block in the bile duct which means no stent or shunt will be necessary. My abdomen feels more settled than before and while fatigue has become a constant companion I am befriending it, giving in as needed with intentional rest periods rather than 'pushing through'. A friend commented today, describing my situation in what I think is pretty close to accurate, on how I am living with 'an acute chronic condition'. While it doesn't fit with the definition of acute completely being 'sudden, severe', neither is it simply chronic which is often known as 'long lasting, slow progression', in my case it seems the disease acts up in an acute fashion leading to treatment almost on a crisis basis. My experience has been, an acute onset like last November and a little less acute this fall, once treatment is started I bounce back well and quickly. This is the third time (at least) in this post I thank God, now for how well I tolerate the weekly sessions.
Lots more has been going on in my life over the past couple of weeks with courses and workshops, mostly ending and I hope to share some of the insights I've gained in future posts. I'm home now and doing my best to hydrate and flush out my system as quickly as possible. Funny isn't it, drink, drink, drink to have nice plump veins in preparation for chemo, then drink, drink, drink after to flush it all out. And you know what follows, pee, pee, pee and pee some more. I work hard not to fall asleep once home in the hope of having a reasonable night's sleep tonight, especially given the steroids which have caused 'restless legs' leaving me thrashing most of the night. So far so good, we're into watching the National and I think my napping has been short from what I can remember!
Another Halloween evening has ended with a total of 10 children coming by for trick or treats, our newest little neighbour being the first as a 2 1/2 month old pumpkin. Whatever treats are left will undoubtedly by enjoyed by Mike, and me I must admit. We hope you enjoyed the evening if it's your thing and enjoyed the pause if not. I'll be aiming for a reasonable night's sleep but even if I don't, I'll be ever so thankful for having a clean, comfortable bed to rest as best I can.
Until next time, keep well, stay in the moment, remember tomorrow has its own share of concerns, and we'll be back mid November!
Take care, hugs and
God Bless,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive"
Monday, 15 October 2018
Adventures in Prayer & Medicine Turns 5 and Life Goes On
Little did I know when the very first message on this blog, posted on October 11, 2013 and the second on October 16, 2013 would lead to marking today's 125th message a fifth anniversary! If you're shaking your head, I'm right there with you. Like those little dogs in the back window of cars with their heads bobbing to and fro' wondering where they were going and how they got to where they were.
It also marks Mike's fifth year since having hip resurfacing surgery and me finding a note in my medical file to say I had 'likely less than a year'. Hah, little did they know who they were dealing with. Mighty Mouse cloaked in God's armour (Ephesians 6:11, Isaiah 59:17), part of which includes 'a shield of faith, helmet of salvation and sword of Spirit'. All one has to do is read a sampling of posts since that time to see how much life we've lived since then. Thank God faith is on our side. Now can you just picture me waddling around draped in all that mettle!?
Seriously though, we are ever so grateful for the time we've had together over these last five years, focused on the important rather than the urgent, setting priorities in line with our values, living the clichés because they're so obviously true, and thankful to God for every day He has given us. With so much water under the bridge I continue to wonder how many more people I might outlive who have not even been diagnosed with an illness yet. It's been mind boggling and all the more reason to live every day with kindness and gratitude.
Despite being back on chemo, our plan of activity seems to be in a little bit of overdrive of late. We managed to visit Mosaiculture in Gatineau in time before it closing (today) and as Mike said 'this was a good call. It's spectacular'. A display of over three dozen Canadian themes, some stories high, all made from live plants. If by chance the photos show up on my computer from my phone by the end of this post, I'll share a couple, but you can always go to the website mosaiculture gatineau to see some truly amazing sights.
From there we went on to Pembroke to visit overnight with Kirk and Lynda en route to North Bay for our send off for my brother Andrew, on Thanksgiving Saturday. Last time I mentioned how Mike agreed to organize the event and I need do nothing, or something if I wanted. In the end I sought advice from Fr. Leo for a reading from the Bible and planned a tiny bit of whatever 'ceremony' there would be. There are some funny points which might show how much he was there with us in spirit.
On Saturday, it was misting lightly so we had breakfast at Pinehill Variety Store and Coffee Shop, went on to pick up the tree Mike had bought for the marker then headed 60 km north of North Bay to the chosen 'spot'. On the way, Mike pulled over at least three times to allow traffic to get by, especially before the passing lanes as we were going 80 km in a 90 with the tree, while covered, flapping wildly in the rear of the truck.
We were literally a minute before our turn off at Marten's River when we were pulled over by the OPP, woo-woo lights and all. Oh my, can you believe it, he stopped us for going TOO SLOW! I could hear my brother laughing all the way from heaven. Of course the interrogation was brief given Mike's explanation of how we were going to plant a tree for a 'friend' (don't want to give too many details).
A group of us, about 12, met at Trapper Trading Post, beside Lumpy's Eats & Treats, then headed toward Andy's final resting place. The weather, expected to be cold, windy and rainy, was mild with a very light mist and no wind. How nice is that! Mike led the way with going around the circle with each one having an opportunity for any last words followed by taking turns sprinkling ashes to encircle the 'Ruby Slippers Amur Maples' tree planted in his honour. Little anyone know or realize, the name of the tree held very special significance to me which I'll share shortly. The type of tree only became known when the young boy from next door asked what kind of tree we were planting.
A very dear friend of his dropped a huge dried poppy she and her husband had picked in Holland in 2010. She felt he deserved a poppy and not a cheap, plastic one. It was fate she believed having held it for so long.
Another couple laid roses which had survived since the Celebration of Life in May and were intact other than dried. Before planting the tree I read two quotes from Andy's favourite, lifetime author Louis L'Amour, a short poem and a letter, both of which Andy had penned to our Dad. Lastly I read a Bible passage and we said the Lord's Prayer, the 'Our Father' together as a group.
The tree was then planted with the plastic cremation container used as a watering can of sorts from the water nearby to start the new growth of Andy's tree. Once finished and we started heading back to our cars, the skies opened up and we were all drenched just in time for the drive back! We all agreed Andy was sending us on our way. We planned to meet at Pinehill for a reception since the folks who work there could not join us
Back to the Ruby Slippers. Anyone who has known me for any length of time will know my favourite movie of all time is the Wizard of Oz. Andrew used to buy me Hallmark figurines and, even one year for Christmas, gave me an entire, pewter collection of Wizard of Oz figures! From Kansas no less! When our Dad passed away I asked our friends doing the music to sing Over the Rainbow as Dad had so often referred to the bluebirds in life. After the funeral, Andrew remarked "I knew you'd get the Wizard of Oz in there somehow!" In this case, regarding the tree, I had no idea and thought Mike was keeping the type of tree as a surprise for me. Not so! He had no idea other than it starts out green and is supposed to turn bright red in the fall.
Thanks Andrew for letting me know you were teasing me about Dad all those years ago.
As we packed up our things Sunday morning, we acknowledged this was likely to be out last visit to what has been known as Andrew's house for over 15 years. He is now at rest and we no longer need to occupy his space to retain our memories of him. We can now do so anywhere knowing he is happy with everyone's part in his final goodbye. For me, an especially important lesson was gained. Something, once again, my head has known but never felt in my heart in such a way as that Saturday, October 6, 2018. By declaring my inability to organize Andrew's farewell gave a gift of infinite, heartfelt joy to those who took an active part in doing so. I will never know, nor should I, other than the joy in my own heart, of how they might feel. I'm almost overwhelmed at what must have taken place between Mike and one of Andy's friends who Mike talked to when deciding on where, what and how. Imagine being asked by family of a friend, for advice on such a deeply intimate matter and then to have those suggestions followed. And who knows who else was given the same gift since Mike didn't share many of the details or conversations with me. I feel so honoured to help facilitate what will hopefully be lifelong memories for some of these people who cared so deeply for my brother. It was only possible by daring to show my vulnerability that God could work through others to make it such a perfect day.
The other evening, after months of monkeys jumping around in my brain, a very clear cut means of fulfilling one of Andrew's wishes came to mind. Think of it like something being totally muddied only to be rinsed clean in the snap of a finger. It was to notify his email contacts he has 'Gone on the Long Ride. Remember here you're reading the words of a techno peasant. What seemed almost miraculous was how simply it came to me. Alone at home, I decided to start at a certain time, did what I thought would work and within two hours had the job done, complete, finito. I had to use his computer which I'm totally unfamiliar with. No matter. Best part, I've already received at least four responses from people who did not know of Andrew's passing, who shared stories and photos of how much they admired and respected him. God is good.
On that note I will leave you with one more God wink for consideration. I've been in contact with a woman for several months who was interested in speaking to someone who was Catholic as she had decided to return to church as a result of a hospital stay where she met the Chaplain. We visited a few times, kept in touch by phone and email. Just before leaving for Gatineau I called to see if she was up for a visit since she had entered Palliative Care in hospital. She wasn't up for it but said to 'come quick. I think I'm on the last mile.' Her friend told me they'd call when she felt well enough for a visit. Yesterday's paper included her obituary. She passed away the same day as Andrew's send off. A date I'll never forget. May she rest in peace.
Take care, keep well and God Bless,
Hugs,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
It also marks Mike's fifth year since having hip resurfacing surgery and me finding a note in my medical file to say I had 'likely less than a year'. Hah, little did they know who they were dealing with. Mighty Mouse cloaked in God's armour (Ephesians 6:11, Isaiah 59:17), part of which includes 'a shield of faith, helmet of salvation and sword of Spirit'. All one has to do is read a sampling of posts since that time to see how much life we've lived since then. Thank God faith is on our side. Now can you just picture me waddling around draped in all that mettle!?
Seriously though, we are ever so grateful for the time we've had together over these last five years, focused on the important rather than the urgent, setting priorities in line with our values, living the clichés because they're so obviously true, and thankful to God for every day He has given us. With so much water under the bridge I continue to wonder how many more people I might outlive who have not even been diagnosed with an illness yet. It's been mind boggling and all the more reason to live every day with kindness and gratitude.
Despite being back on chemo, our plan of activity seems to be in a little bit of overdrive of late. We managed to visit Mosaiculture in Gatineau in time before it closing (today) and as Mike said 'this was a good call. It's spectacular'. A display of over three dozen Canadian themes, some stories high, all made from live plants. If by chance the photos show up on my computer from my phone by the end of this post, I'll share a couple, but you can always go to the website mosaiculture gatineau to see some truly amazing sights.
From there we went on to Pembroke to visit overnight with Kirk and Lynda en route to North Bay for our send off for my brother Andrew, on Thanksgiving Saturday. Last time I mentioned how Mike agreed to organize the event and I need do nothing, or something if I wanted. In the end I sought advice from Fr. Leo for a reading from the Bible and planned a tiny bit of whatever 'ceremony' there would be. There are some funny points which might show how much he was there with us in spirit.
On Saturday, it was misting lightly so we had breakfast at Pinehill Variety Store and Coffee Shop, went on to pick up the tree Mike had bought for the marker then headed 60 km north of North Bay to the chosen 'spot'. On the way, Mike pulled over at least three times to allow traffic to get by, especially before the passing lanes as we were going 80 km in a 90 with the tree, while covered, flapping wildly in the rear of the truck.
We were literally a minute before our turn off at Marten's River when we were pulled over by the OPP, woo-woo lights and all. Oh my, can you believe it, he stopped us for going TOO SLOW! I could hear my brother laughing all the way from heaven. Of course the interrogation was brief given Mike's explanation of how we were going to plant a tree for a 'friend' (don't want to give too many details).
A group of us, about 12, met at Trapper Trading Post, beside Lumpy's Eats & Treats, then headed toward Andy's final resting place. The weather, expected to be cold, windy and rainy, was mild with a very light mist and no wind. How nice is that! Mike led the way with going around the circle with each one having an opportunity for any last words followed by taking turns sprinkling ashes to encircle the 'Ruby Slippers Amur Maples' tree planted in his honour. Little anyone know or realize, the name of the tree held very special significance to me which I'll share shortly. The type of tree only became known when the young boy from next door asked what kind of tree we were planting.A very dear friend of his dropped a huge dried poppy she and her husband had picked in Holland in 2010. She felt he deserved a poppy and not a cheap, plastic one. It was fate she believed having held it for so long.
Another couple laid roses which had survived since the Celebration of Life in May and were intact other than dried. Before planting the tree I read two quotes from Andy's favourite, lifetime author Louis L'Amour, a short poem and a letter, both of which Andy had penned to our Dad. Lastly I read a Bible passage and we said the Lord's Prayer, the 'Our Father' together as a group.
The tree was then planted with the plastic cremation container used as a watering can of sorts from the water nearby to start the new growth of Andy's tree. Once finished and we started heading back to our cars, the skies opened up and we were all drenched just in time for the drive back! We all agreed Andy was sending us on our way. We planned to meet at Pinehill for a reception since the folks who work there could not join us
Back to the Ruby Slippers. Anyone who has known me for any length of time will know my favourite movie of all time is the Wizard of Oz. Andrew used to buy me Hallmark figurines and, even one year for Christmas, gave me an entire, pewter collection of Wizard of Oz figures! From Kansas no less! When our Dad passed away I asked our friends doing the music to sing Over the Rainbow as Dad had so often referred to the bluebirds in life. After the funeral, Andrew remarked "I knew you'd get the Wizard of Oz in there somehow!" In this case, regarding the tree, I had no idea and thought Mike was keeping the type of tree as a surprise for me. Not so! He had no idea other than it starts out green and is supposed to turn bright red in the fall.
Thanks Andrew for letting me know you were teasing me about Dad all those years ago.
 |
| Reception for Andy at Pinehill |
 |
| Stephanie & Andy's seat in the corner |
Some of us enjoyed a hot cup of tea, some coffee, soup and some even poutine once back in North Bay and sensing Andy sitting on the stool in the corner of the lunch counter just smiling at us. One of his favourite staff, Stephanie, shared with us how she'd driven her boyfriend's ATV the previous weekend, crashed, totalled the ATV but walked away with nothing but a sore wrist. She was convinced she was protected in ways heaven sent. Needless to say, we agreed whole heartedly. The girls still tear up when we visit and recall Andy's larger than life presence at Pinehill.
As we packed up our things Sunday morning, we acknowledged this was likely to be out last visit to what has been known as Andrew's house for over 15 years. He is now at rest and we no longer need to occupy his space to retain our memories of him. We can now do so anywhere knowing he is happy with everyone's part in his final goodbye. For me, an especially important lesson was gained. Something, once again, my head has known but never felt in my heart in such a way as that Saturday, October 6, 2018. By declaring my inability to organize Andrew's farewell gave a gift of infinite, heartfelt joy to those who took an active part in doing so. I will never know, nor should I, other than the joy in my own heart, of how they might feel. I'm almost overwhelmed at what must have taken place between Mike and one of Andy's friends who Mike talked to when deciding on where, what and how. Imagine being asked by family of a friend, for advice on such a deeply intimate matter and then to have those suggestions followed. And who knows who else was given the same gift since Mike didn't share many of the details or conversations with me. I feel so honoured to help facilitate what will hopefully be lifelong memories for some of these people who cared so deeply for my brother. It was only possible by daring to show my vulnerability that God could work through others to make it such a perfect day.
The other evening, after months of monkeys jumping around in my brain, a very clear cut means of fulfilling one of Andrew's wishes came to mind. Think of it like something being totally muddied only to be rinsed clean in the snap of a finger. It was to notify his email contacts he has 'Gone on the Long Ride. Remember here you're reading the words of a techno peasant. What seemed almost miraculous was how simply it came to me. Alone at home, I decided to start at a certain time, did what I thought would work and within two hours had the job done, complete, finito. I had to use his computer which I'm totally unfamiliar with. No matter. Best part, I've already received at least four responses from people who did not know of Andrew's passing, who shared stories and photos of how much they admired and respected him. God is good.
On that note I will leave you with one more God wink for consideration. I've been in contact with a woman for several months who was interested in speaking to someone who was Catholic as she had decided to return to church as a result of a hospital stay where she met the Chaplain. We visited a few times, kept in touch by phone and email. Just before leaving for Gatineau I called to see if she was up for a visit since she had entered Palliative Care in hospital. She wasn't up for it but said to 'come quick. I think I'm on the last mile.' Her friend told me they'd call when she felt well enough for a visit. Yesterday's paper included her obituary. She passed away the same day as Andrew's send off. A date I'll never forget. May she rest in peace.
Take care, keep well and God Bless,
Hugs,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
Sunday, 30 September 2018
A Short Note at the Start of Another Adventure....
A quiet Sunday afternoon, clearly slated for 'penning' my thoughts over the past couple of weeks. With the overcast skies it would be so much easier to curl up on the couch with a good book, read a bit, snooze a bit, you get the picture. It's been an interesting and somewhat gentle transition from the peak of the heat to the calm of the cool. A couple of days have changed in temperature like a seesaw, leaving us with an abrupt sign of things to come. It's ok though, partly why we would somehow become tired of one season all year long.
As it turned out, I had to put aside the writing of this post for a mid afternoon nap. Daring to do so without an alarm at 1:30 was a mistake as I awoke after 3 p.m. Listen to your body. Listen to your body. Ok, ok, OK!
On the medical front I continued wait to hear about timing for the cat scan I mentioned last time. In fact even received a notice of a follow up appointment for the 25th to review the results. The days ticked along, without me perched by the landline at home or cell phone in hand, ready to dart down to the hospital at a moment's notice. Sounds silly huh? I can honestly say I used to have such tendencies but now, not so much. As it turned out, I got the call on Monday, Sept 24th to go in on Tuesday, Sept 25th for 9:45 at Hotel Dieu Hospital. Hmmm, my follow up appointment to review results was for Tuesday as well, at 10:40 a.m. Well we did go down for 9:45 then trotted over to KGH to meet to discuss results which kept us in at least a little suspense until early afternoon. In the end, there were no major surprises. Much better outcome than it might have been.
It was decided then and there we'll start weekly chemo on Thursday in the hopes of providing some relief from pressure on the liver to allow the necessities of life to pass through where they are meant to and not getting stored up, potentially with toxic results. No need for a stent or shunt! Yay.
As it turned out, I had to put aside the writing of this post for a mid afternoon nap. Daring to do so without an alarm at 1:30 was a mistake as I awoke after 3 p.m. Listen to your body. Listen to your body. Ok, ok, OK!
On the medical front I continued wait to hear about timing for the cat scan I mentioned last time. In fact even received a notice of a follow up appointment for the 25th to review the results. The days ticked along, without me perched by the landline at home or cell phone in hand, ready to dart down to the hospital at a moment's notice. Sounds silly huh? I can honestly say I used to have such tendencies but now, not so much. As it turned out, I got the call on Monday, Sept 24th to go in on Tuesday, Sept 25th for 9:45 at Hotel Dieu Hospital. Hmmm, my follow up appointment to review results was for Tuesday as well, at 10:40 a.m. Well we did go down for 9:45 then trotted over to KGH to meet to discuss results which kept us in at least a little suspense until early afternoon. In the end, there were no major surprises. Much better outcome than it might have been.
It was decided then and there we'll start weekly chemo on Thursday in the hopes of providing some relief from pressure on the liver to allow the necessities of life to pass through where they are meant to and not getting stored up, potentially with toxic results. No need for a stent or shunt! Yay.
I hadn't received a written copy of CT results but Dr. Biagi, my Oncologist called later in the day on Sept. 25th with some results:
Hemoglobin back up to 100 from 90; no wonder I'd been feeling like a pillow with no stuffing!
Bilirubin down from 75 to 45 which is a good sign and going in the right direction.
Right side stressed by larger tumour (s??); mass in liver has grown;
CA125 about 200 and something about the right side duct??? Can’t read my own writing!
Could have been much worse and we seem to have gotten ahead of what could have turned into a full blown crisis like last year which we want to avoid. Am listening to my body, resting when needed and taking my time. Well sort of.
When I arrived for treatment on Thursday, I was told up front we will skip next week due to elevated liver enzymes. Hope is even one chemo treatment will help relieve pressure to allow movement of bilirubin. Next chemo session will be October 11th depending on blood results.
It seemed to be old home week on Burr 1 at KGH with two families across from us, both of whom we've known for years but haven't seen in many. Things went smoothly; I had a decadent sleep once home and the only issue was a bout of 'restless legs' lasting almost all night; thank goodness for the earlier sleep! Next night went much better; back to taking things a day at a time living well.
It was as though skipping the 4th of October was a God Send in our family's larger look at life. We had talked about going to North Bay once more before winter to say our final goodbye to my brother Andrew. By leaving Kingston on the 4th we're able to fit in a visit in Pembroke with Kirk and Lynda, then head on Friday with plans to have a small group of friends gather in one of Andrew's favourite rest stops along a northern ride route.
Thanksgiving weekend is most appropriate as we give thanks for the family and friends in our lives and thank God for all we have.
On our last drive home I was able to gather up all my courage and lean into 'Just Bee-ing' by declaring to Mike I could not deal with the final disposition of my brother's remains. He knew him likely better than anyone, even me, given their weekly or more often chats about who knows what. Always kept between them and only lately a few glimmers of the conversations they had. Almost without blinking an eye Mike agreed to take it on and has made all the plans. Seems the more I practice asking for help, the easier it gets. I can declare my vulnerability and inability without being thought less of. My oh my, all these years staggering around with multiple platters of self imposed responsibilities, with no one's expectation of me going it alone. Is the chain of the white albatross around my neck finally being snapped with no apparent consequences? It's almost indescribable.
I must admit, as noted by our neighbour Hank who I drag around from one church function to another, how I have recently picked up the pace in attendance at mass, courses and special workshops. He has a point there and one I must pay attention to. Even my overall priority of deepening my faith can be a disguise needing my attention.
What's most important during this transition from my all encompassing need to be busy is to be mindful, fully aware of the decisions I'm making and why. Just because one thing is gone doesn't mean it's to be replaced with something else, no matter how righteous. It's important to clear the clutter, and leave the table clean for a period, to become open and ready for the real purpose of my life from here on. I don't need to fill up every nook and cranny with additional activity. It will simply divert me from my main objective. It's to remain open to the soft, quiet whispers of God directing my steps on a daily basis.
Simplify, minimize, purge, clear, let go, any and all words you can think of to achieve a balance of calm and quiet energy. One thing is true of late, how much better I'm able to manage those emotions as I persevere down the path of quiet and calm. It sounds so simple yet for personalities like mine can be a complicated mix of deep thoughtful analysis, coupled with spiking emotions, readily throwing me off the track similar to the damage done by the recent tornadoes. In a matter of seconds, everything can change. Who would ever have thought mere days after my last post which included photos from the Goderich tornado in 2011, two with similar magnitude would rip through our national capital.
Rather than delay this post, my sense tells me this can be a short message in response to the fatigue ushered in by renewed chemo. One of the long standing issues I continue to wrestle with, hard as I try, is the balance between live for today and making any plans for the future. It's easy to say but to live it in a real conscious and deliberate way, can be a regular challenge. Maybe it's healthy for me to let down my guard even here for a change. Overall I'm much more at peace with whatever the future holds and hopefully living it will also become easier.
On October 13th I've signed up for a day long workshop called "Rediscovering the Art of Dying." Let's leave that one for now and you'll hear my take on it next time.
Wishing you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving, peace in your hearts and enjoyable times with family and friends.
Take care, hugs and,
God Bless,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
It seemed to be old home week on Burr 1 at KGH with two families across from us, both of whom we've known for years but haven't seen in many. Things went smoothly; I had a decadent sleep once home and the only issue was a bout of 'restless legs' lasting almost all night; thank goodness for the earlier sleep! Next night went much better; back to taking things a day at a time living well.
It was as though skipping the 4th of October was a God Send in our family's larger look at life. We had talked about going to North Bay once more before winter to say our final goodbye to my brother Andrew. By leaving Kingston on the 4th we're able to fit in a visit in Pembroke with Kirk and Lynda, then head on Friday with plans to have a small group of friends gather in one of Andrew's favourite rest stops along a northern ride route.
Thanksgiving weekend is most appropriate as we give thanks for the family and friends in our lives and thank God for all we have.
On our last drive home I was able to gather up all my courage and lean into 'Just Bee-ing' by declaring to Mike I could not deal with the final disposition of my brother's remains. He knew him likely better than anyone, even me, given their weekly or more often chats about who knows what. Always kept between them and only lately a few glimmers of the conversations they had. Almost without blinking an eye Mike agreed to take it on and has made all the plans. Seems the more I practice asking for help, the easier it gets. I can declare my vulnerability and inability without being thought less of. My oh my, all these years staggering around with multiple platters of self imposed responsibilities, with no one's expectation of me going it alone. Is the chain of the white albatross around my neck finally being snapped with no apparent consequences? It's almost indescribable.
I must admit, as noted by our neighbour Hank who I drag around from one church function to another, how I have recently picked up the pace in attendance at mass, courses and special workshops. He has a point there and one I must pay attention to. Even my overall priority of deepening my faith can be a disguise needing my attention.
What's most important during this transition from my all encompassing need to be busy is to be mindful, fully aware of the decisions I'm making and why. Just because one thing is gone doesn't mean it's to be replaced with something else, no matter how righteous. It's important to clear the clutter, and leave the table clean for a period, to become open and ready for the real purpose of my life from here on. I don't need to fill up every nook and cranny with additional activity. It will simply divert me from my main objective. It's to remain open to the soft, quiet whispers of God directing my steps on a daily basis.
Simplify, minimize, purge, clear, let go, any and all words you can think of to achieve a balance of calm and quiet energy. One thing is true of late, how much better I'm able to manage those emotions as I persevere down the path of quiet and calm. It sounds so simple yet for personalities like mine can be a complicated mix of deep thoughtful analysis, coupled with spiking emotions, readily throwing me off the track similar to the damage done by the recent tornadoes. In a matter of seconds, everything can change. Who would ever have thought mere days after my last post which included photos from the Goderich tornado in 2011, two with similar magnitude would rip through our national capital.
Rather than delay this post, my sense tells me this can be a short message in response to the fatigue ushered in by renewed chemo. One of the long standing issues I continue to wrestle with, hard as I try, is the balance between live for today and making any plans for the future. It's easy to say but to live it in a real conscious and deliberate way, can be a regular challenge. Maybe it's healthy for me to let down my guard even here for a change. Overall I'm much more at peace with whatever the future holds and hopefully living it will also become easier.
On October 13th I've signed up for a day long workshop called "Rediscovering the Art of Dying." Let's leave that one for now and you'll hear my take on it next time.
Wishing you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving, peace in your hearts and enjoyable times with family and friends.
Take care, hugs and,
God Bless,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
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