As it turned out, I had to put aside the writing of this post for a mid afternoon nap. Daring to do so without an alarm at 1:30 was a mistake as I awoke after 3 p.m. Listen to your body. Listen to your body. Ok, ok, OK!
On the medical front I continued wait to hear about timing for the cat scan I mentioned last time. In fact even received a notice of a follow up appointment for the 25th to review the results. The days ticked along, without me perched by the landline at home or cell phone in hand, ready to dart down to the hospital at a moment's notice. Sounds silly huh? I can honestly say I used to have such tendencies but now, not so much. As it turned out, I got the call on Monday, Sept 24th to go in on Tuesday, Sept 25th for 9:45 at Hotel Dieu Hospital. Hmmm, my follow up appointment to review results was for Tuesday as well, at 10:40 a.m. Well we did go down for 9:45 then trotted over to KGH to meet to discuss results which kept us in at least a little suspense until early afternoon. In the end, there were no major surprises. Much better outcome than it might have been.
It was decided then and there we'll start weekly chemo on Thursday in the hopes of providing some relief from pressure on the liver to allow the necessities of life to pass through where they are meant to and not getting stored up, potentially with toxic results. No need for a stent or shunt! Yay.
I hadn't received a written copy of CT results but Dr. Biagi, my Oncologist called later in the day on Sept. 25th with some results:
Hemoglobin back up to 100 from 90; no wonder I'd been feeling like a pillow with no stuffing!
Bilirubin down from 75 to 45 which is a good sign and going in the right direction.
Right side stressed by larger tumour (s??); mass in liver has grown;
CA125 about 200 and something about the right side duct??? Can’t read my own writing!
Could have been much worse and we seem to have gotten ahead of what could have turned into a full blown crisis like last year which we want to avoid. Am listening to my body, resting when needed and taking my time. Well sort of.
When I arrived for treatment on Thursday, I was told up front we will skip next week due to elevated liver enzymes. Hope is even one chemo treatment will help relieve pressure to allow movement of bilirubin. Next chemo session will be October 11th depending on blood results.
It seemed to be old home week on Burr 1 at KGH with two families across from us, both of whom we've known for years but haven't seen in many. Things went smoothly; I had a decadent sleep once home and the only issue was a bout of 'restless legs' lasting almost all night; thank goodness for the earlier sleep! Next night went much better; back to taking things a day at a time living well.
It was as though skipping the 4th of October was a God Send in our family's larger look at life. We had talked about going to North Bay once more before winter to say our final goodbye to my brother Andrew. By leaving Kingston on the 4th we're able to fit in a visit in Pembroke with Kirk and Lynda, then head on Friday with plans to have a small group of friends gather in one of Andrew's favourite rest stops along a northern ride route.
Thanksgiving weekend is most appropriate as we give thanks for the family and friends in our lives and thank God for all we have.
On our last drive home I was able to gather up all my courage and lean into 'Just Bee-ing' by declaring to Mike I could not deal with the final disposition of my brother's remains. He knew him likely better than anyone, even me, given their weekly or more often chats about who knows what. Always kept between them and only lately a few glimmers of the conversations they had. Almost without blinking an eye Mike agreed to take it on and has made all the plans. Seems the more I practice asking for help, the easier it gets. I can declare my vulnerability and inability without being thought less of. My oh my, all these years staggering around with multiple platters of self imposed responsibilities, with no one's expectation of me going it alone. Is the chain of the white albatross around my neck finally being snapped with no apparent consequences? It's almost indescribable.
I must admit, as noted by our neighbour Hank who I drag around from one church function to another, how I have recently picked up the pace in attendance at mass, courses and special workshops. He has a point there and one I must pay attention to. Even my overall priority of deepening my faith can be a disguise needing my attention.
What's most important during this transition from my all encompassing need to be busy is to be mindful, fully aware of the decisions I'm making and why. Just because one thing is gone doesn't mean it's to be replaced with something else, no matter how righteous. It's important to clear the clutter, and leave the table clean for a period, to become open and ready for the real purpose of my life from here on. I don't need to fill up every nook and cranny with additional activity. It will simply divert me from my main objective. It's to remain open to the soft, quiet whispers of God directing my steps on a daily basis.
Simplify, minimize, purge, clear, let go, any and all words you can think of to achieve a balance of calm and quiet energy. One thing is true of late, how much better I'm able to manage those emotions as I persevere down the path of quiet and calm. It sounds so simple yet for personalities like mine can be a complicated mix of deep thoughtful analysis, coupled with spiking emotions, readily throwing me off the track similar to the damage done by the recent tornadoes. In a matter of seconds, everything can change. Who would ever have thought mere days after my last post which included photos from the Goderich tornado in 2011, two with similar magnitude would rip through our national capital.
Rather than delay this post, my sense tells me this can be a short message in response to the fatigue ushered in by renewed chemo. One of the long standing issues I continue to wrestle with, hard as I try, is the balance between live for today and making any plans for the future. It's easy to say but to live it in a real conscious and deliberate way, can be a regular challenge. Maybe it's healthy for me to let down my guard even here for a change. Overall I'm much more at peace with whatever the future holds and hopefully living it will also become easier.
On October 13th I've signed up for a day long workshop called "Rediscovering the Art of Dying." Let's leave that one for now and you'll hear my take on it next time.
Wishing you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving, peace in your hearts and enjoyable times with family and friends.
Take care, hugs and,
God Bless,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
It seemed to be old home week on Burr 1 at KGH with two families across from us, both of whom we've known for years but haven't seen in many. Things went smoothly; I had a decadent sleep once home and the only issue was a bout of 'restless legs' lasting almost all night; thank goodness for the earlier sleep! Next night went much better; back to taking things a day at a time living well.
It was as though skipping the 4th of October was a God Send in our family's larger look at life. We had talked about going to North Bay once more before winter to say our final goodbye to my brother Andrew. By leaving Kingston on the 4th we're able to fit in a visit in Pembroke with Kirk and Lynda, then head on Friday with plans to have a small group of friends gather in one of Andrew's favourite rest stops along a northern ride route.
Thanksgiving weekend is most appropriate as we give thanks for the family and friends in our lives and thank God for all we have.
On our last drive home I was able to gather up all my courage and lean into 'Just Bee-ing' by declaring to Mike I could not deal with the final disposition of my brother's remains. He knew him likely better than anyone, even me, given their weekly or more often chats about who knows what. Always kept between them and only lately a few glimmers of the conversations they had. Almost without blinking an eye Mike agreed to take it on and has made all the plans. Seems the more I practice asking for help, the easier it gets. I can declare my vulnerability and inability without being thought less of. My oh my, all these years staggering around with multiple platters of self imposed responsibilities, with no one's expectation of me going it alone. Is the chain of the white albatross around my neck finally being snapped with no apparent consequences? It's almost indescribable.
I must admit, as noted by our neighbour Hank who I drag around from one church function to another, how I have recently picked up the pace in attendance at mass, courses and special workshops. He has a point there and one I must pay attention to. Even my overall priority of deepening my faith can be a disguise needing my attention.
What's most important during this transition from my all encompassing need to be busy is to be mindful, fully aware of the decisions I'm making and why. Just because one thing is gone doesn't mean it's to be replaced with something else, no matter how righteous. It's important to clear the clutter, and leave the table clean for a period, to become open and ready for the real purpose of my life from here on. I don't need to fill up every nook and cranny with additional activity. It will simply divert me from my main objective. It's to remain open to the soft, quiet whispers of God directing my steps on a daily basis.
Simplify, minimize, purge, clear, let go, any and all words you can think of to achieve a balance of calm and quiet energy. One thing is true of late, how much better I'm able to manage those emotions as I persevere down the path of quiet and calm. It sounds so simple yet for personalities like mine can be a complicated mix of deep thoughtful analysis, coupled with spiking emotions, readily throwing me off the track similar to the damage done by the recent tornadoes. In a matter of seconds, everything can change. Who would ever have thought mere days after my last post which included photos from the Goderich tornado in 2011, two with similar magnitude would rip through our national capital.
Rather than delay this post, my sense tells me this can be a short message in response to the fatigue ushered in by renewed chemo. One of the long standing issues I continue to wrestle with, hard as I try, is the balance between live for today and making any plans for the future. It's easy to say but to live it in a real conscious and deliberate way, can be a regular challenge. Maybe it's healthy for me to let down my guard even here for a change. Overall I'm much more at peace with whatever the future holds and hopefully living it will also become easier.
On October 13th I've signed up for a day long workshop called "Rediscovering the Art of Dying." Let's leave that one for now and you'll hear my take on it next time.
Wishing you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving, peace in your hearts and enjoyable times with family and friends.
Take care, hugs and,
God Bless,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
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