The last couple of weeks included no medical appointments, no scans, you'd think it was a nice respite, just living each day, appreciating the mundane and the routine. It makes me wonder if some of us, in times of no real concerns, have to grapple until we can find something. In my case, it's been discomfort in my abdomen, convinced my tenant is having relatives move in and thereby expanding their territory. I guess it's time to start keeping a diary of the shifting aches and pains, loss of appetite and increased pressure. It's only been three months since an ultrasound confirmed no progression of disease yet I'm left wondering after these recent changes. At my oncology appointment on March 21st, a niggling concern, felt but left unmentioned, was the possible increase in the size of the mass attached to my liver. It seems like soon after Maggie politely start packing for retirement (my weight is down to 145 lbs from a high of 200), a new challenger was moving in. A means of warding off the exhaustion of worry over 'what might be happening' is to keep busy in a balanced sort of way. It may be time to regroup as I hear the bell ringing for a trip to 'Pity City'. Let's hope it's a quick trip, then back to the land of contentment and peace.
As I look back, even I must admit how, in four and a half years, my body has been subjected to a number of fairly onerous acts of 'decontamination' to rid it of unwanted pests. Sort of like an exterminator being called in to remove termites from the recesses of your home's infrastructure. Parts have been cut out, others beamed out of existence, and even poison control used to kill any residual mites. Disappointing as it is, no 'all clear' signal has been received. What's tough, and tiring, is being vigilant, often hyper vigilant, in self scanning and watching for signs of any new intrusion. As a defence, every day starts with a nod of gratitude and thanks for all the simple things. Every day includes a reminder to self, test results can say what they will, God's will can override anything.
Of late, despite the gnawing worry, I've had lots of energy to do many things including the daily pool routine of walking for an hour in the warm waters at the Y over the noon hour. No afternoon naps, even staying up til after the National. The early broadcast ends at 10 after which, we almost racing one another up the stairs to see who turns out the light! Ok think what you will, but sleep is the goal.
In my last post I mentioned a trip we were contemplating. Well Mike and I decided to take a flyer (no pun intended) by booking a Pilgrimage trip for October to Barcelona, Lourdes and Rome/Vatican. Yes we followed doctor's orders and took out cancellation (for any reason) insurance in the off chance we can't go. Lately we've been leaning on a saying we heard a number of years back "If it's for you, it won't go by you.' Now it's in God's hands.
As we come to the most important celebration of the Christian year, the Resurrection of Jesus at Easter, I've been spending time in prayer, figuring out how best to practice fitting it in to override the busiest of mind squirrels. And it works!! Last week, our Alpha session focused on why and how we pray. Like most people, I've been one who tends to stick with the learned versions of typical Catholic prayer. Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be and Grace Before Meals to name a few. The author of the Alpha Program, Nicky Gumbel provided some insight worth sharing at the same time raising questions in my mind.
He talked about how prayer satisfies our spiritual hunger, which I agree with. I've talked about that little hole in our spiritual being which can't be filled by any person. Prayer is certainly one way to fill the gap. He talked about keeping a prayer diary and, over time, tracking the requests and answers to see how many are answered over time. In his case, it was surprising how many were answered. In other cases, it became clear why some were not answered in the way he'd hoped. Answers to prayers can come in forms of coincidence which reminded me of one of my favourite little books "When God Winks' by SQuire Rushnell. He talks about how coincidence is simply God's way of confirming we are on the right track. May be time for a reread.
Something I've wrestled with is why we are to thank God, through prayer, for the problems and struggles we go through in the midst of our daily lives. Since I don't like to fight anyway, I decided to try it and see what happens. Over the past couple of weeks or more, each time a problem comes up, I thank God and ask Him to provide a learning moment. I've been pleasantly surprised at how taking a pause, looking a little more carefully at whatever the situation, I'm able to see it just a little bit differently. It's almost like a little quiz to check not only my learning, but my trust and faith. After all, we are here on earth to learn while improving our lives along with those around us.
On my way out of the Y last week, I spotted Father Granger in the cafe, just finishing up lunch in preparation for exercise class. True to form, we embraced, I gave him a little kiss and we had a brief chat. He suggested I attend the Healing Mass at the Cathedral on Friday. While debating giving up a day at the pool, he said it was worth it. Of course, I knew that, and so decided to step out of my routine and went. While there, before the start of mass, I noticed someone whom I'd met a few years ago as a parishioner of our church. Following the lead of others, after mass I went to the front to receive the Sacrament of the Sick. Father Shawn placed his hands on my head, prayed quietly, then proceeded to anoint my forehead and palms with holy oil. What followed was a sensation something like a 'brand' (in a good way) being imprinted on my forehead of a cross.
While I'd like to share the details of what happened next, I don't believe this is the time. Suffice it to say, as I left the church, it became so clear, I wasn't there for myself, but rather to offer support for someone else. It's amazing how much lighter my steps were on the way out with the knowledge of being used by God in my own weakness to help another.
Two days later, just as I was snuggling into the sofa, happy for a little rest, a knock came on the door.
Someone I'd known for years randomly stopped by to give me a message. This may sound strange to many but having had this type of conversation before, I knew what was up. He stepped through the doorway, leaving the door wide open and asked about ‘this cancer thing’ he'd heard about. He told me "Don’t worry, you’ll be ok. Your work here is not done. You still have lots of work to do here. You had to go through this, even now, but you will get through and be ok." He assured Mike we were not talking in code and, while many people think he’s crazy, he knew this was the time he had to come to speak with me. He also knew I'd be a willing audience based on past experience. Just another example to reflect how God speaks to us in many ways.
A dear friend attended a workshop with me on Ignatian Spirituality after which she suggested I might help others through my blog to understand the concepts I've been learning. My initial reaction while dismissive, has turned into wondering if it might be helpful to readers. As I continue to let the idea percolate in the back of my brain and in my heart, I offer an example, paraphrasing somewhat a part of the Alpha film on how to pray in our own way. While I'd been practicing it in a haphazard sort of way, this outline made good sense. I'll leave you with it.
A doration - start by praising God for who He is and invite Him into a conversation.
C onfession - review the day and ask for forgiveness for wrongs.
T hanksgiving - express gratitude for health, family, friends, things learned.
S application - ask for what you'd like in your life, or outcomes, for yourself, family and others. It's ok to ask for specific things provided God's name and His will are the priority.
With that, I wish you and yours a very Happy Easter. May tomorrow start the months and years ahead with new life and new hope. Take care, hugs, and,
God Bless,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
'Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive.'
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