Acceptance in the Midst of Wandering and Pondering

Despite the month of March giving us a good whack of winter weather, here we are at the end of the month, already into spring.  It's a clouded rainy day, just the kind to burrow into the comforts of home with a good book or movie.  As I sit here looking out at the rain, I can't help but wonder where the birds and squirrels have cuddled up in an effort to stay warm and dry.  Really though, where do they go, all together, all at once?  Are they huddled together playing cards or layered one on top of the other snoozing the day away?  Each morning it's great fun to watch the young rodents racing up and down trees chasing one another, climbing up then scampering across a branch only to take a flying leap to the next tree with great ease.  In recent weeks we've had one visitor stretch itself out on the railing of the deck as though sunning on a tropical beach, soaking up the warm sunshine.  It's soothing to have such mundane things to ponder.

A six month visit to the oncologist provided a little comic relief as the doc walked in, gave me a great big hug (for the first time),  sat down shaking her head.  She uttered something like 'the chemo has worked geniusly excellent' to have me looking and feeling so well.  I'm not sure what they expected nor did I inquire.  Given the recent scans and positive results, we all agreed to simply continue to live every day to the fullest.  A follow up in two months will hopefully surprise them as well.  Should anything untoward surface, the next step will be to do a blood test to gauge the 'tumour marker', CA125.

Welcome to life of managing a chronic, yet life threatening illness.  Can we consider booking a trip in October to visit Barcelona, Lourdes and Rome?  Can you go in the summer?  No, it's a guided tour.  Well then, make sure you take out insurance.  Ok.  No further explanation required. None given.

Treatment will be considered to improve quality of life.  Is life better or worse with treatment?

We go through the motions of many words left unsaid, niggling questions unspoken.  We all know the rules of the game and the score.  All is well until it's not.  It's anyone's guess when things might change and how.  While the progression of my particular disease is fairly predictable, my particular case has been anything but typical and hence not predictable.  As I've said so many times before, an adventure to be sure.  One that challenges your thoughts, beliefs and values right to the core.  Having said that,  the sense of calm and peace is growing, with acceptance fertilizing the soil to which we all must return some day.

As the relentless war on my imagination continues, I asked Mike his views on how I might slay the dragons of my mind.  His answer surprised me.  When he was a child, he, like all of us, had monsters hiding under his bed.  Of course only at night.  To this day I can't entertain sleeping with an arm or leg dangling perilously over the edge of the safety of my mattress.  What did he do?!  My Archangel Michael?  As a little kid, he stared his fear in the face and called the monsters out!  He actually dared them to show themselves despite the dark shadows of his bedroom.  Apparently it worked for him.  They didn't.  He dispelled the monsters, never having to deal with them again.  In a sort of weird way I understand his strategy and may well attempt a similar tactic.  Not without my imaginary suit of armour of course.

It's best of course to carry on like everyone else, content with daily routines, saying yes when I feel like it and no more often.  After all, for so many years it was automatically yes whether I was interested in doing something or not.  This whole turning 60 thing has me feeling liberated while shedding layers of anxiety like a snake wriggling out of its old skin.  By simplifying the recesses of my mind, it's no longer whirling like that little multi coloured circle on my computer when it doesn't know what to do.

Over the past few weeks, especially during Lent, I've signed up for the Alpha course (again) to help nurture the relationship I already have with God.  It's very helpful to get together as a small group to discuss messages presented in the videos and trying to figure out what they mean and how they affect each of us.  As the weeks pass, trust grows and sharing intensifies among the members,  maybe like hikers on a wilderness journey relying on one another to make it through.  I've also attended a couple of workshops on Ignatian Spirituality which left me with more than a couple of aha moments.  I likened it to working on a puzzle and having pieces fall into place in a way I never anticipated.

I've been wrestling with the notion of temptation, sin and whether it's a sin to simply think something without acting on that thought.  It's written somewhere even by thinking or longing for something you shouldn't, you've sinned.  That's a pretty big burden and one requiring discussion and explanation from Fr. Leo who has become my spiritual director.  First of all, he reassured me thought without acting upon it is just thought.  We took it a little further to talk about temptation and how difficult it seems sometimes to suppress it.  Too often we can rationalize just about anything, including acting on temptation.  Recently one of the homilies at mass on the topic of temptation was like a bright white light shining right into the darkness of those recesses of our souls.  Instead of trying to suppress temptation, we can be vigilant when it shows itself, and use it as a signal to turn our attention to God. Whatever brand of temptation we may be offered, the response must be the same.  We can and must depend on His guidance completely.  Taking this message to heart, I felt cleansed of the negative emotions that often accompany periods of temptation and happily turn them over to the only One who can truly dispel them.   For me it was one of those times when I say "You don't get it until you get it."   If none of this makes sense, I'll leave you with the saying that Fr. Leo used to start, and end, the sermon.

"I didn't know God was all I needed, until God was all I had."

With that I will leave you with your own thoughts and wish you the best as we move toward Easter in just a couple of weeks.

Take care and God Bless,

Liz

dobbsjones@gmail.com

'Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive.'