Still Gathering up the Pieces ....

My usual start to these posts is reading the last one to see where I left off and, in a way, where to continue the story.  Today, is a little different as I'm writing this en route in the truck without access to internet to be able to look at the last post.  We just passed the sign for Eganville, pretty much what I consider the half way mark to North Bay.  But then again maybe it's halfway to Pembroke.  Either way, it's well on the way to our destination for the third time in as many weeks.  Please bear with me.

Oh, we just passed another sign showing Pembroke a mere 41 km so my first instinct must have been right.  Just saying.

It's times like these we need to be grateful for not being able to see what's to come on our path of life.   Not for a moment  did any of us ever consider the possibility my brother would head out on his 'long ride' before me.  For a long while now, I've been saying, half jokingly, 'at the rate I'm going I just might outlive everyone.'  But this, now, no way.  We as family, and everyone my brother Andrew knew never saw it coming, leaving everyone in a state of shock how this larger than life, big person and even bigger personality would enjoy a rare opportunity to sleep, only to pass away from a heart attack.  He'd been suffering physically from arthritis in both knees ankles and feet causing him to limp around to point of using elbow crutches in his final couple of weeks to get around.  Combine that with serious insomnia, anyone would be as cranky as a bear suffering from a wounded paw.

During our review and gathering of information, I came across an envelope of epic, ironic proportions.  Inside was a single sheet of paper from a friend and neighbour outlining exactly what was to happen after the death of said friend and neighbour!  All the details, what to do with the remains, what sort of remembrance and celebration to have, where to host the event, everything.   Even what to serve as refreshments.  Wouldn't things have been made easier if Andy had followed this person's lead and prepared one for himself?  Our biggest question is what to do with his remains.  Initially I was firmly convinced he'd stay in North Bay.  After all it's been his home for close to, if not, 20 years or more.

Over the last few days my mind has travelled the highways of remembrance to consider the implications for future generations interested in knowing about their family.  The challenge I think for those of us who are first generation Canadians is we've had no experience with visiting the graves of deceased family members.  If we leave Andy in North Bay, our Dad will be in Kingston and I will be together with Matt's Dad Rick.  Our mother, who we had contact with only in the last year of her life is settled in a cemetery in Toronto.  I will continue to pray about it and ask Holy Spirit to guide me to the correct decision and give me a sign in a way I will understand.

My point in writing about this is to hopefully, poke you into thinking about your own situation.  Do you have plans?  Have you told anyone what they are, or better yet, written them down even if on a hand written piece of paper?  I strongly encourage everyone, single, married, widowed or somewhere in-between to consider these things and talk about them with those closest to you.  After Mike and I were living together for a year, we transitioned into a more 'permanent' status according to law.  With that in mind I asked my son, Matt, as a gift for Mother's Day, to give me an hour of his time.  The three of us sat down and reviewed the 'State of the Nation' as it relates to our little kingdom on earth.  It was the best gift I could receive, other than prayers of course, and one which has left the door open for further updates as time has gone on.

Please, please think about these things and have the conversation.  As much as we think we might be prepared for the loss of a loved one, we are never truly 'ready' for the closing of the final chapter on that person's life.  I've spent much time in the garden these past couple of weeks, pulling weeds from the soil and from my soul.  Lots of quiet time, communing with God to make sense of life when it doesn't seem to make any sense at all.

And yes, we have made our plans, even preplanned and prepaid but realize we need to take the next step in defining more specifically what we envision happening when the time comes.  My nature to think big picture and figure things out along the way, won't work real well when I'm no longer able to voice my opinion.  Those who remain may actually have some fun in making some of their own decisions, just to have their say for a change!

One of the hidden treasures in these past few weeks has been how the calendar got wiped clean of any commitments.  Even those tentative plans were brushed aside like pieces of lint.  Being able to get up with only thoughts of getting to the pool and out in the garden has allowed me to surround myself with silence and space.  During this time fatigue has been a friend, catching cat naps when and as needed without useless concerns whirring through my mind.

Mike has been my ever present archangel through all of this, his sense of loss ever present given his own, close relationship with my brother.  It's his true nature of care and compassion for others which shines through the darkest moments.  We've shared tears of sorrow and of joy, walking shoulder to shoulder and side by side, in step with one another, each and every day.

Something I made note of during our initial time here in North Bay was wondering how people deal with loss without having seen the person 'in person' after they are deceased.  With today's mobile families, quick options for cremation, often no funerals or celebrations of life, how do those left behind deal with their loss?  It was not recommended I view my brother after his passing, so Mike went forward with a funeral director for a viewing only to come back and assure me it would be fine. I followed him to the viewing room, and, other than some expected discolouration, I found it ever so helpful to give final witness to his life.  And death.  On my way I asked him for a sign, in a way I would understand, that he was ok.  When turning away to leave, I noticed various banners on racks which I guess could be used as part of funeral adornments.  There was one in particular which caught my eye with a golf hole on it.  In one of his incarnations, Andrew became a certified golf club maker and make custom clubs for everyone in our family!  Thanks for letting me know you're ok.

Tomorrow we will head up to the start of the Nipissing Chapter of the Ride for Dad here in North Bay.  Andy has helped with the organizing of the ride for a few years now and has become very fond of the organization as worthy of his support.  We'll also explore the local cemetery to see if it might be a suitable resting place and continue to gather information on what he may have wanted.

Yesterday I had a visit with our former, now retired pastor, Fr. Leo Byrne.  We commiserated together as his older brother, Fr. Gerry Byrne also passed away on May 23rd this year.  When I shared my concern about not being able to have my brother receive last rites, he nodded knowingly and simply said "We have to let God do something."  You may not know this, but in the Catholic faith last rites are to be administered within an hour or two after death.  Our conversation left me feeling more peaceful than I've been in these last couple or three weeks.  We must remind ourselves from time to time how God is truly ever so much more loving, more powerful and more knowing than we are!!!!!

On that note, I'll sign off, wish you all a good night and weekend.

Take care and God Bless,
Hugs,
Liz

dobbsjones@gmail.com

"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."