I commented last post with regard to a shift and change in my abdomen along with a new pain in my side so severe I couldn't lay at all on the left. The whole shift just happened to start the evening my oncologist called with results of the cat scan. Imagine, to my surprise the pain subsided the evening of our appointment to review the results of the scan. Imaginary? Don't know, just glad it's gone.
On arrival at my appointment on Aug 1st, my oncologist seemed upbeat and friendly while in my own mind I'm wondering how she could behave this way when in the previous week my imagination had me taking gigantic steps to get my affairs in order! Here's the results of the discussion to the best of my recollection using paraphrasing as needed:
Dr.: 'We had a long conversation about you this morning. (at conference held every Tuesday morning to discuss specific patient cases) You're a very popular patient. (having worked with a number of them in my position with the hospital foundation makes sense). The radiologist clarified the scan should not be reported as disease progression. It hasn't grown in overall size. The properties of the mass are shifting and changing from part of it being more cyst like to becoming more solid. (no comment on whether that's good or bad; didn't think to ask at the time).
We know you consider yourself fatigued but we (the docs) all rated you as '0' (vs. the 1 I score myself as not feeling like my normal self but can still do most things on my own). We determined you are active and do more than many of our well patients. (sound familiar? Ya, did to me too)
There are currently two clinical trials open. One using chemo, the other radiation. We would like to set up consult meetings as soon as possible, possibly as early as the Tuesday after the long weekend but definitely as soon as possible.We'd like you to sit down with Dr. Jim Biagi about the chemo trial and Dr. Allison Ashworth about the radiation trial. They should take about an hour each after which we can sit down and help guide the final decision. If we decide we'd like to participate in a trial, the time is now. (we concluded one must be relatively well to be eligible)
(I can't recall how I responded to the possibility of being able to participate in a trial) Dr.: We never expected to get to the point of being able to have this conversation with you. (August 3rd was five years since diagnosis)
At the conclusion of our appointment as we stood to leave, the doc and I gave one another a very long, sincere hug during which she whispered in my ear 'it's going to be ok'. What a relief! How exhilarating! While walking down the hall together, she commented on how she doesn't know 'how I do it'. In my effort to give credit where credit is due, I almost immediately responded by saying I have a very deep faith. She simply nodded in agreement. It was a perfect moment to share my theory about how God predetermines the number of our days, and how free will only affects the quality of the journey. Her reaction was one of 'aha', had never heard it that way and how it made sense, making us responsible for ourselves. Yes, and takes away the many coulda, shoulda, wouldas we use to beat ourselves up with in terms of affecting the length of our lives.
Since then we've received notice of our appointments which will be on August 22nd. An auspicious day in more ways than one. The first way is we will celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary that day. Second, August 22nd also happens to be the Feast of the Coronation of the Blessed Virgin Mary. It is also known as the 'Queenship of the Blessed Virgin' as the Mother of Jesus. Between now and then we will pray fervently for guidance and signs in ways we can understand, the decision that is best for us in accordance with God's will for our lives. It's easy to make up our own minds and try to influence the outcomes we'd like, which, of course, we can't possibly control. That's one thing I've been learning and practicing along the way of these adventures.
Today I received notice of the followup appointment with my oncologist which is now scheduled for August 29th. Suffice it to say no decision will be made at least until then, giving us time to discern the information we receive on the 22nd. In the meantime I will enjoy every day to the fullest and fill my tank of 'happy thoughts and memories' to draw on as needed in the future.
It's interesting to step back, even just a little bit and look at the larger picture over these past couple of weeks. By waiting, as patiently as possible, and trusting the outcome, as well as possible, how activities and experiences take shape like pieces of a puzzle which fit together in perfect unison. What August 3rd turned out to be, as well as the 5 year mark since diagnosis, a day of receiving one of the clearest signs of guidance from God for at least the day, and a few since. What are you talking about you might be thinking. Well let me explain.
It was the first mass for our new Pastor, Father Sebastian Amato so I went as much for a show of support for him as meeting my own spiritual need. Following mass I chatted with a couple of people then proceeded to head out when, in the gathering space, I overheard Father saying 'I need help. I need help today!'. In keeping with my nature, I of course, jumped right in to ask what he needed -today. It was to help freshen up the rectory he was moving into as his residence. After all, Fr. Leo had moved out quite some time ago, and we weren't sure whether our new Pastor would prefer to live offsite which is becoming the norm.
In my old life, not only could I not attend weekday morning masses, I would not have been in any position to offer help - today! A friend and I agreed to pick up a few cleaning supplies, made ourselves tea at my house and headed back with duster and cleansers in tow. Other than meeting friends for lunch which was a prior commitment, I happily went around doing all the things I'd do in my own home if it was move in day. Another friend came in the afternoon and between us and a couple more volunteers, we made great headway. A couple more visits while Fr. was away, left his new residence in fine shape.
The 'diamond in the rough' of this story is somehow a giant mental shift took place for me personally as a result of this 'menial' experience. This is certainly not about looking for a pat on the back or any other approval or affirmation. It's about having the ability and capacity to respond to the need of another without hesitation. No calendar to change, no checking with anyone, just saying yes to God's guidance. A friend commented on how it can be one of the best forms of prayer. It's about how I found the physical stamina to crouch and stretch and lean and balance in ways I didn't think were possible any longer. it's about sharing time with like minded people who are ready and willing to step in when a need arises. Is this a glimpse into how the millions of people who do humanitarian work feel? It's like a spiritual high in the midst of doing the most ordinary and mundane tasks. I somehow got nudged off the highway of expectation and have been ambling along the sideroad of contentment and peace. I'm in a place of Many Presents. The gift of living in the moment. The gift of taking the day as it comes. The gift of setting a loose plan with lots of room for change and modification as needed. The gift of not looking too far ahead in an effort to fit as much into every day as humanly possible. The gift of leaving space and time for living and enjoying nature in the back garden, puttering and tending God's garden which He's left in my care. I could go on and on but I think you get the picture. It's like the saying 'when the student is ready, the teacher appears'. Hmmmmm.
In between these significant learning moments, lots of fun has come my way and I must say I truly recognize how people really don't want to make commitments during the summer. We have such a brief time to soak up the warm weather, let's take advantage of as much of it as we can. On that note I will leave you, hopefully with maybe one little thing to ponder, as I go to poke my nose outside again.
Take care, God Bless
Hugs
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
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