Welcome to a picture perfect summer day, sunshine, fluffy clouds gently floating by in the breeze way up high and the temperature warm enough to beckon us to places which refresh the body and soul.
It's a great start to a day which promises a new future for a young couple being married this afternoon. We will be attending the wedding of Brooke Kasaboski and Jeff MacNeil and part of our wedding gift has been to ask my Dad to provide a backdrop of fine weather. I say this without pride or conceit, to think by way of a simple request, Mother Nature can be controlled. No way! Rather share an example of how faith and trust can affect our day to day lives. Dad knew Brooke, her sisters and parents and would have liked nothing more than to help in a way which would matter. Thanks Dad!!
A couple of posts ago I shared the plan of my oncologist to order a cat scan after we got through our own family wedding festivities on the 10th of June. Sure enough, phone call received and an appointment set for this past Wednesday. This is the cat scan my doctor needs to discern whether an idea she has about dealing with the mass in my abdomen is viable. In this past month of waiting for the call, I learned how inextricably linked waiting and trust can be in one's life. It would have been much easier to send a quick email, phone the office, be the proverbial squeaky wheel trying to get greased up like a french fry going into the deep fryer. This time I decided to just let the plan take its own course and stand patiently on the sidelines trusting all was in perfect order. Interestingly, over the past month, a separate mass like something has been building up on the right side of my abdomen. Had I pushed to get the scan right away in mid June, it may not have even shown up yet. Of course the hard part is to wait and trust all will unfold as it's supposed to. Don't get me wrong, not every day is doing cartwheels and bursting with joy, nor does it need to be. What's important though is waking up each day, feeling ok and carrying on one more time. Live every day well, until I'm not is a frequent flyer phrase flitting through my sometimes hazy brain. What now you ask? Wait for the results, wait for the call to review the results and discuss 'the' plan. There is incredible freedom in living life in such a simple way.
Regaining some of the open spaces in my mind offers new found opportunities to do small things with great care and love for others. My self identified Connector self has been in demand of late and it's been fun and fulfilling to be able to help others with just the right touch of pixy dust. One morning felt like Grand Central Station as phone calls, emails, texts and even a visit at the door brought random requests for information of one kind or another. Help figure out if a bank record was correct. Perspective on the legal aspects of being an executor. Suggest the name of someone who could help with marriage annulments and required protocols. Pray for someone who is almost at their wit's end in dealing with medical issues and pain. For many, this sort of activity might seem chaotic and disjointed whereas I observed how naturally I was able to flit from one thing to the other much like my long standing 'butterfly' behaviour. It was like a picture on my virtual white board became clear about my own life. For once I could see the bright side of how my mind and heart work together for the greater good of all. When I combine my insatiable curiosity for just about anything, with the dots on my white board, pictures appear almost like a hologram in the right light. I have enough curiosity to poke into pretty much any and all subjects but not enough to become an expert. Neither do I want to be viewed as an expert. It's so much more fun being able to connect and direct rather than be dragged down into the minutiae of any particular topic. For me, it's such a great insight, like putting on a new layer of skin with a perfect fit.
Getting used to living with a chronic illness can be, I think, as hard as you'd like to make it. It can become the focus of every moment of every day, or it can be acknowledged and put in its place. I say that with some reservation as there are times, and I've been going through one lately, where it's hard to put it away. That being the case, it's important for me to take steps to acknowledge it by welcoming the feelings, let them wash over me like a soft waterfall in a secluded pond letting my emotions get washed clean. This time I decided to compile a short summary of my adventures since this whole thing started. Doing so, has helped me to realize why, in times of relative calm, I start to look for signs of yet another rabbit hole opening up. You may appreciate what I mean once you've read the list:
2012 - A planned, routine procedure with 2 week recovery turned into diagnosis of Stage 3 endometrial cancer, 2 surgeries, 33 rounds of radiation, burst wound requiring 6 weeks daily wound care.
2013 - 4 rounds of chemo over 4 months, all preventative; burst spinal fracture, discovery of cells in the liver, put on meds to control growth of lesions. No longer preventative. Deemed to be medically incurable.
Found a note in medical file which read 'has shortened life expectancy, likely less than a year'. No one had advised me of this.
2014 - year of the Pillsbury Dough Girl - weight ballooned to 200 lbs. (67% increase of total body weight)
2015 - weight continued as major issue; lost both counsellors to their own cancer diagnosis; blood clot in right leg, mass discovered in liver, considered non cancerous; likely internal bleeding. Start of lifelong daily injections of blood thinners. (Cancer patients, even on oral blood thinners have 40% of recurrence of blood clots)
2016 - mass in liver turned out to be cancerous resulting in 5 months chemo Mar - Aug; taken off weight increasing drug Feb 2016.
Good news, weight started to decrease toward end of 2016; bone scan/cat scan Dec 1st - bone scan clear; cat scan unchanged from May 2016.
2017 - continued weight loss; cat scan July 12th; results pending; new mass felt on right side of abdomen.........
I had to look up a couple of points in my medical journal only to find a couple of interesting notes:
April 2014 - 'image of floating in a boat on a sea of prayers. At the end of the journey imagined jumping in the water, swimming with people praying.
May 2014 - Psychiatrist commented - receiving good validation of my current efforts of pulling back. It's clear I've done work re: codependency. Keep doing - letting others live their lives.
'We behave how we believe'.
'Are physicians just 'false idols' we tend to put our faith, hope and trust, in rather than our Almighty God?' (No, we are to believe God puts the physicians in front of us who He has chosen to help us).
Adventures in Prayer and Medicine come from the acknowledgement medicine can only do so much. The rest is up to prayers and acceptance of God's will.
'Pray for intercession from Raphael.'
Yesterday at church (this post started Saturday and here is Monday noon) it was noticeable how many people came up to me with virtually the same remarks. 'You look great!' 'How are you feeling?' 'You are in our daily prayers'. Usually followed by hugs. I acknowledge my belief I am doing as well as I am thanks to the combined power of all the prayers being directed my way. Certainly a boost in positive thoughts. I'm not alone and so many people genuinely care and want to help however they can.
Well, it's time to chat with Jesus to find out what He has on the agenda for the rest of today and willingly go out and do His Will. Take care, until next time,
God Bless and Hugs,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
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