Unplugging.......and loving it!

Here we are waking up to another bright sunny day, looking forward to enjoying the coming of spring until we step out the door and feel the cold remnants of February that leave us shivering and shaking if we've been fooled by not putting on the winter coat yet again.  In some strange way though, having Mother Nature tease us with hints of what is to come, provides a framework of hope for the future in the midst of the craziness of this world bombarding us through every media source around us.

 I just heard the geese having a noisy conference behind our home on Collins Creek, likely debating who will lease which part of the tree lined oasis that happens to still lie within city limits.

Two weeks ago I went on at length about my increased levels of physical exhaustion and fatigue which is in many ways hampering my day to day activity.  I've noticed even something as simple and mundane as replying to email messages.  I seem to go along and then, BAM, hit a wall and have to walk away leaving messages stranded in my inbox patiently waiting for a response to the sender.  This can go on for several days and while I think of it everyday, time just rolls by without action.

What I determined in the midst of this,  a week ago Friday (March 20th) is that my fatigue may in fact only be indirectly related to my illness.   My sleep has been fitful and restless to say the least.  In May 2011 I was diagnosed with mild sleep apnea and prescribed a CPAP machine which helps keep the airways open using air pressure (not oxygen).
At that time I was still 120 pounds, which does not represent the poster child for sleep apnea!  However as we age the muscles in our throat relax, although I'd say sag is probably a better word for it, and it causes our airways to become restricted.  At night you suit up like Tom Cruise in Top Gun with either a face mask or nasal prongs (my choice), plug yourself in and hopefully enjoy a good night's sleep.

I decided to become Inspector Clouseau (remember Peter Sellers from Pink Panther?) and investigate the results on my CPAP machine.  Lo and behold I was able to determine that the number of times I stop breathing per hour in an average 7 day period is higher now than before I started using the aid.  It has a sim card in it that tracks the vital information necessary to monitor breathing while sleeping.

It turns out that there is a way to have the provider of your equipment provide a substitute machine for a limited period that will automatically adjust the air pressure based on the changes in one's breathing patterns.  While I'm not quite ready to apply for my medical license, it is reassuring to know that being in tune with your body, being proactive in following clues, can allow you to be your own advocate of care.

What I don't mean by any of the foregoing is deciding to do all sorts of research on the internet.  My opinion on that is for whoever has a vivid imagination, or wild like mine, will not benefit from going online to self diagnose ailments.  Oh sure, for small, minor problems, it may offer some suggestions for treatment, but the big stuff - not a chance.  I have the faith and trust that God is doing His work through the doctors that have been chosen for me in my care and that I, in my amateur sleuthing should not try to second guess what my professional caregivers are recommending.

 It's a slippery slope that could lead to my life being lived around questioning and second guessing every medical decision made on my behalf.  I have far too much living to do to spend my time as an armchair medical practitioner.

You may be wondering what the title of this post means and sometimes I get ideas or words that don't exactly fit, but then challenge me to explain myself.  By succumbing to the relative quiet around me and reducing the number of competing activities that I could take on, things are becoming more clear around what I'd like to be doing with  my time and energy.  I'm no longer looking for events or activities to participate in and am finding it easier to say no to invitations that don't align with my current priorities which I've stated before, but bears repeating.  It feels like they are becoming more clear as time goes on.  If I were to state my top three goals as it were, they would be:

1.  Faith Development
2.  Time and interaction with Family
3.  Maintaining and progressing with Physical activity

Something occurred to me just this morning that as I clarify what's important to me, I can better decide what activities to take on and what can be gently ignored.  Reflecting on the past, it seems that what was important was trying to do everything that was asked of me rather than what was important to me.  This kind of behaviour leaves you rushing off in many, often competing directions, rarely with a sense of accomplishment since the tasks are not necessarily connected to any greater goal.  Is it that success was related to the number of things that could be crossed off the list?  Or the number of people you've helped at your own expense of time and energy?

I'd like to briefly touch on each of my priorities and how I came to settle on these which of course seem perfectly obvious to many people.  They appear to be common sense and no great revelation.  What's important to me is that I have articulated my thoughts and feelings and can now start deliberately shaping my activities around them without buzzing around like one of a million bees all swarming to do the work being asked of us.

Having been raised a 'cradle Catholic' I haven't always understood why we believe what we believe and could not really enter into any sort of intellectual discussion on the subject of religion.

 Going to weekly mass as an adult helped me put a framework of sense around the crazy world we live in.  It seemed that almost every week the homily (sermon) touched on an issue that was bothering me.  Over time, as a fellow parishioner put it so well, my appetite for more information and teaching has grown and my hunger keeps building to learn and understand more about my own faith.  Some of the activities I participate in include of course weekly mass, and now a couple of times a week as well.  I have been signing up for faith development sessions whenever they come up which includes videos and small group discussion over a period of anywhere from 6-10 weeks.  At the end of April I will be attending my second silent retreat for women - yes that means total silence from Friday evening to Sunday at noon, daily Bible readings and saying the Rosary.  It's quite amazing how easily these things can fit into your daily routine, if you allow it.  One of our recent sessions was around who is driving the car of your life?  We would likely all say it's us when we should be allowing Jesus to do the driving.  Of course for me that could be a huge challenge as I tend to be the worst passenger on the roads likely making for worse distraction to a driver than many others things.

All of this is allowing me to 'unplug' from the mayhem of society and not be drawn into the artificial world of social media where most of my waking hours are spent staring at a computer screen.  As one of my friends once put it "I can't live my own life, let alone everyone else's".  I couldn't agree more!
Recently I 'creeped' on Mike's Facebook account to see any updated photos of grandkids and got physically overwhelmed by the amount of trivial information that regular Facebook users have to wade through to find something meaningful.  I know it has its benefits but I haven't got the internal fortitude to dive into that massive sea of data.

Time and interaction with family is an interesting goal with the many layers and sublayers of individuals we have that would be defined as members of our immediate family.  Confusing?  It can be.

 I use the terms biological and step simply to clarify familial relationships and how my son can say he has five brothers and sisters but was raised as an only child.  Or that he went to school with Brooke during his elementary years and now she's his sister!  There used to be times when I felt like I've lived my life backward, having had career success relatively early in my work but as a result not having the flexibility to do all the family oriented things that others enjoyed.

We will be having the pleasure of sharing Easter dinner this Sunday with four of our six kids and their families along with a couple from church who don't have their own families here in town.  That means we will have upwards of sixteen people or so with four under the age of six!   Following that, on April the 7th, eight of us will be off to the Grand Theatre for a live presentation of Mike the Knight.  Do you know who he is?  No, neither did I until I learned about the Tree House channel on TV.  No wonder kids are so smart these days.  There is one educational program after the other and the learn without even being aware of it.  We've also seen the Backyardigans and Toopy and Binoo.  I've created a bit of a 'Grandma and Grandpa' tradition that instead of the typical birthday and Christmas gifts, none of which are needed, we would gift the four local grandkids with a live theatre performance.  Needless to say the most fun is to watch them watch the show.  Our little ones are most interesting in their demeanour - unlike many other children who shriek with delight, they are focused and absorbing every movement like little sponges soaking up every drop of entertainment.

An adjustment for me has been to come up with different ways of interacting with the grandkids given my inability to spend much time sitting on the floor playing cars or building lego like I used to. Funny thing is, they don't seem to mind and even make suggestions of where I might sit so that I can still interact with them.  Spending time playing and truly becoming absorbed in the imaginary highways, barnyards, fire rescues and lego construction is a form of relaxation and escape that is so good for the soul.  Recently we came up with a new game of blowing up a bag of dollar store balloons in an attempt to 'fill the room' and then simply tap the coloured globes without fear of shattering anything.  And yes, it was grandma who had to blow them up.  I viewed that activity as physiotherapy by inhaling and exhaling very deeply, countless times!

Okay, as we touch on physical activity, we can move to the third goal on my list.  I am pleased to report that I have now been going to the Y since the beginning of November, pretty much on a daily basis and quickly increased my daily activity to an hour and a half.  What occurred to me recently is that I have long been used to long distance walking of an hour and a half or more and so find the time passes quickly.

 A friend of mine taught me a variety of techniques to try out and the proper ways of walking to ensure the greatest benefit.  If I tried to do a fraction of the things I do in water, I'm sure I'd topple over within five minutes and be looking somewhere for an oxygen tank!  Regardless of my physical condition, I am convinced I can trick my brain into thinking I'm healthy (which, as my doctor said, I am, other than this cancer thing going on).

I recently met with my 'physio guy' to have another assessment done, review the exercises he'd given me previously, determine what exercises I should be focusing on now, and converting them to water.  It was SO helpful to hear how pleased he was at my progress over the past few months and we quickly came up with a plan that I am now working to incorporate into my daily routine.  Some days I refer to my pool time as my 'little part time job'.  After all, don't I owe it to myself to stay as healthy and active as possible within my limitations?  What I didn't mention yet and is probably the greatest benefit of my aquatic prowess is how 'buoyant' I feel mentally and emotionally now that I've been at it with regularity for an extended period of time.  There is something just so calm and soothing about spending time in the water.

Another thing that has been helping is that I’m just finishing reading ‘The Untethered Soul’ for the second time and would highly recommend it to anyone who would like to quiet the ‘monkeys of the mind’ and be able to take a step back from life’s crazies and experience just a little calm.  The more I keep practicing, the calmer I’m getting when, in the past, wondered if I’d ever get to a place like this.

I'd like to finish with an email from a regular blog reader who comments on a previous post:

What caught my eye was your comment “…..….I’m learning to let go of managing the universe.”   Good for you.

I handed over the reins to that job about eight years ago. I always wondered who took it over! You have done a good job. It's time give some other wannabe universe manager a chance to shine.  - maybe its the competition among so many people that makes life frustrating trying to fill the job - every time you make a move, someone else jumps in trying to add their input.'

Well enjoy yourself as we move through Holy Week to the Celebration of Easter and the Resurrection of Jesus - yes there is hope for this world.

Take care and God Bless,

Liz

'Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive'