Hints of Spring....'Yawn', and a new Awakening

It's been just over two weeks since returning from Florida and I've felt like Mama Bear having been woken in the midst of a deep winter hibernation.

 Unpacking a single suitcase stretched into a chore of several days when usually it's done before I sit down after arriving home.  Perhaps the remnants of a cold with Mike catching one as well left us with the singular priority of rest and sleep.  If Goldilocks had shown up last weekend, she would have found at least one bed fully occupied or a bed and sofa, leaving her fewer choices from which to select her own place of rest pretty much for the entire weekend.

In terms of physical challenges in the last couple of weeks, definitely the level of fatigue has been interfering with regular day to day activity. When I first started the medication mid July 2013, I felt really, really tired, coupled with almost a sense of light headedness.  Even though my body will have adjusted to it by now, the side effects likely keep showing up especially when I'm at low levels of energy.  I know, I know, even the healthiest of people tend to have a prolonged sense of fatigue after returning home from a trip.

I’ve reminded myself on a number of occasions when sliding down into the fatigue and exhaustion that it is temporary, it will pass, so I try to let it just wash over me, experience it and allow the full force to reveal itself because, eventually, it will go away or at least diminish to a manageable level.  I found it so much easier than to try to fight through it.  As my family doctor has reminded me, and she's an awesome coach, the reality is that my body is constantly in a state of self healing as it tries to rid itself of the cancer cells that have taken up residence in my liver.  So while Maggie (my 75 pound weight gain named after my medication) is doing her job in keeping the cells from having more relatives move in, she doesn't have her own heart and lungs meaning, we have to share, and that can often add to the physical exhaustion.  The point of this rant is that with most problems in life, it's the same thing.  Instead of always fighting with ourselves and suppressing whatever we might be feeling, it's best to pause and take some time to face it and feel it, head on rather than keeping a 'lid on it', whatever 'it' is and have it squeak out when you least want it to, like unwanted gas!!!!

Just recently I was asked to call the friend of a friend who is just embarking on the treatment adventure for cancer in the nether regions of the female anatomy.  Surgery followed by chemotherapy and then radiation.  We spoke for just over an hour on the phone and agreed on a couple of things by the time our conversation ended.   First of all, do whatever is right for you based on the information you have, don’t let the armchair quarterbacks in your life call your game, and listen to your body.  Second, release the frustration of having been in excellent health your entire life, doing all the right things to remain active and prevent the onset of illness.

 In fact, in conversation with Mike, he reminded me that his experience in going through my treatments with me was that I truly was never ‘sick’ through it.  Yes there were side effects and reactions but not that dragged out, sick as a dog feeling that many people experience.  Maybe that’s what made it so much easier to tolerate, and, as we agreed maybe because I was so well going into the whole thing.

Most of you know by now that I officially retired from the hospital foundation at the end of June last year.  I guess 35 years of working full time plus was enough.  Yet, when I look back over 2014, I allowed myself to get involved in a number of projects that, while voluntary, looked a little too much like work to feel that I'd truly made the transition to retirement.  I agreed to participate in the Relay for Life with colleagues from work even though as most of you know, being identified by my illness is not something I choose to do, nor do I play the cancer card to ease awkward or difficult situations.
Be that as it may, I had to do all the work on the relay before our bucket list trip to Hungary as we would be returning only a week before the event.  Did I send an email message to a handful of friends   to raise a reasonable donation?  Oh, no, I had to send emails to over 700 people inviting them to donate and ended up raising a fairly respectable sum.  Even though I could do the related admin work  from home, I still spent part of every day focused on the task and thereby cutting into what should have been 'open space' to contemplate what I might really want to do.

In mid July we had dinner with friends who shared that they were hosting a fundraiser for the hospital foundation and would I attend a lunch meeting.  Oh sure, lunch meeting turned into lead hand in helping organize because these folks are just so darn nice, we get along so well, and like to spend time with them.  Thank goodness I was able to secure a couple of people to help with the details who were superb in managing the stress levels.  I have learned that even on the days I feel very well, there is no room for stress.  Even on the day of the event  in September I was praying the rosary in an effort to have the weather cooperate for an outdoor event.  We were kept on tenterhooks until early afternoon when the sun finally broke through and smiled on us like a proud parent for a well done school project.

The final event of the year was the Nativity Exhibition at our church in late November which I know I've written about just a few posts ago.  Once again, I was invited to be an 'advisor' and did I adhere to that job description?  Oh no, jump in with both feet unknowingly creating stress for the core team!

What point am I trying to make in going over all these activities again?  To drive home to myself that I no longer have to take on what everyone else wants me to do, keeping mind part of the problem is that I am often saying yes before the person has even finished making the request.

Own worst enemy?  You bet.  In all the years I've been working I've come to the realization that I have given away too much of myself and in some ways clouded my own identity and sense of self.

This year one of my goals is to walk through the fog into the sunshine that is there for my enjoyment, if I choose to bask in it and become very selective about what activity I might take on.  If I feel like just soaking up the sun, so be it without the sense that I'm letting anyone down or needing to act on a sense of obligation.  Let's check back in December and see how I've made out!!!

One of my self declared priorities is my own faith development and I'm thankful to have the time to explore some of the options available.

A friend and I attended a day long Lenten retreat at the Providence Spirituality Centre just last Tuesday.  I can tell you that it exceeded my expectations by leaving me with several 'aha' moments, along with a few things that make you go 'hmmmm', need to give more thought to concepts.  The day was designed around the Stations of the Cross and how the cross truly is at the core of our beliefs because along with it comes the Resurrection.

I'm sure I've shared that I listen to a Christian radio station in the car 94.7.  Recently a talk show caught my attention by throwing out a challenge at the beginning and holding me in its grip until the concept was explained.  It was this - what is a burden and what is a cross?

The speaker started out by insisting that many challenges in our lives are burdens.  Sickness, loss of job, trouble with family or the law, any sort of 'bad luck' that you might think of that enters your life should be considered a burden?  Pardon?  In my own mission statement I've stated that 'if this is my cross to bear, may I do so with dignity, humility and grace'.  It seems as though I need to change the word cross to burden.

Why?  Well when he went on further and I pondered the idea for much longer, I started to appreciate the perspective he was trying illustrate.  A cross, unlike a burden, is something we choose to take on in the name of our faith.  Burdens on the other hand come upon us unbidden, as a matter of chance or from circumstances that have nothing to do with our own actions, good or bad.  A good illustration of a cross was presented at our Tuesday evening faith sharing session at our church.  An individual shared with us aspects of their life which in my opinion was a very courageous  act given some of the intimate aspects of their story.  They also shared though, how a family member became involved in the Right to Life campaign at a very young relative age.  This poked at my memory banks of how I believe I recall that this person risked being jailed by standing up for the rights of the unborn when they were barely beyond childhood themselves.  

The concept has been scratching at me like a new wool sweater causing me to wonder if I've ever really taken up any crosses, and how willing I might be and what it would take to do so.  Burdens?  Oh sure, lots of them, as most of us have had in our lives and I don't begrudge any that I've had to deal with.  But crosses - where I am prepared to willingly take up a cause that I feel strongly about and take action knowing there are risks of consequences that may not be easy to accept.  Not so sure.

It's a concept I will 'sit with' during the rest of Lent and try not to scratch away the discomfort it leaves but rather discern how it might play out in my own life.  I'm learning our first thoughts or impressions are not always where the true meanings lie but rather are simply a starting point in having a conversation with God to figure out what He wants us to do or how He wants us to carry out His message.  I don't know if this small example will clarify what I'm trying to say or confuse you even more.  When working I got involved with a volunteer public awareness program called Leave A Legacy.  To me the magic was in the fact that it's a charity neutral message simply encouraging individuals to make a will, and leave a gift to charity.  Period.

While working to build the program in Southeastern Ontario, I met many wonderful and interesting individuals involved with many different charitable organizations.  Extensive discussions with one person in particular led to them coming up with a fairly unique application of the Leave A Legacy model within their own organization.  Only recently this person sent a message saying how the encouragement they'd received from our discussions has led them to taking on almost a national activity of speaking on the subject and sharing the message.  Keep in mind that most organizations have a difficult time wondering why we would want to broadcast a charity neutral message rather than just 'sell' our own cause.  In many ways, this person has taken on a cross of promoting the greater good of all communities and travelling extensively to do so.  As I watch in admiration it reminds me that my role is that of a connector and not having to take on the role of disciple to broadly share the message since at this point in my life it is not possible anyway.

I'm not sure if my rambling is clear or makes sense, and if not, maybe there's a message to put together like the pieces of a puzzle to produce something that makes sense for you.  Thank you for taking the time to read this post and I look forward to next time as I pray to the Holy Spirit to take hold of my hands and tap out the next message.

Until next time,  Hugs and God Bless,

Liz
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive"