Shifting to the medical update, we're down to two chemo sessions left of the six cycle protocol started on my birthday in November. While my eyebrows have pretty much disappeared and my hair is obviously thin, I've had fun pencilling in brows to add a touch of colour. An interesting feeling came up during this time. When I first had chemo in 2013, I couldn't have imagined going through it without a wig, it truly made the whole situation bearable. This time, despite the cold and winter weather, wearing my wig somehow represented 'giving in' to the illness. Perhaps it's because it doesn't matter as much anymore. Even little Ella, at 6, matter of factly stated a schoolmate was bald because she had cancer. Our grandchildren have not even noticed, let alone comment on any change in my appearance over the past few years. What a great way to chip away at feelings of vanity and settle into whatever is coming our way.
This week, I've reduced the hydromorphone again, down from 6 mg. twice a day to 3 mg. so a 50% reduction. Within a month I should be weaned off completely. It sure is losing it's grip on my mental state of feeling snowed under, for which I'm grateful. It's been most helpful to separate the aches and pains into compartments. While my oncologist and symptom doc need to know about any and all issues, we deal with those related to my illness. After all, think about it. Would you ask for a referral to an oncologist for lower back pain? It almost makes me laugh to even consider it!
A trip to the physiotherapist this week was helpful. Even through the assessment, he was able to jiggle and jostle some of the vertebrae making them hurt less and move more. We were in agreement my problems are both muscular and mechanical thereby needing manual manipulation followed by exercises I can do myself. What a good feeling to know you're on the right track instead of complaining and feel sorry for yourself. Next week's treat includes a massage and a physio session on the same day! Once the 'hands on' work is done, I will see a second person to update the exercise regimen.
While I've had to adjust to a much lower energy level, in my opinion anyway, I must say of late, I've felt the closest to my old physical self as I can remember.
Now on to some of the fun we've had the last couple of weeks! Easter dinner included Brooke, her mom, 3 kids and our friend Joyce with the rest of our kids doing what they do where they are. I realize how much I enjoy the grandparent part where there isn't a reliance on us to conjure up all the fun and games on special occasions. The little top up we provide to the fun is appreciated by all, along with dinner of course. Is it merely a sign of getting older?
On Tuesday following, I was relaxing, reading the paper when the door bell rang only to see my friend John (from the pool) at the door asking if he could come in. He said he'd emailed me (a message I hadn't yet responded to) and with no answer needed to check in to see if I was ok. I offered tea, he said yes. He announced he'd brought his accordion and harmonicas to play a little Nfld. music. What a great time we had for a couple of hours, playing music, drinking tea and discussing how we each begin each day listening to Holy Spirit to guide us through the hours ahead. He's much further ahead on that than I am with the stories he shared. I'm going to keep practicing.
The next day when I went to the pool, one of the usual groups of young challenged adults arrived. One young man always shakes my hand asking "What's your name again?", repeating it three times. Not today. Today he said "Hi Liz. I'm fine" repeating it three times. I felt a burst of joy that he remembered my name this time. Making my way across the pool I said hello, by name, as with all of them, to a young woman who takes up her place at the same spot every time. This time, instead of gruffly acknowledging me, she opened her arms, hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. It's hard to describe the feeling, even as I type the words. A simple friendly greeting week after week; how nice is that.
Our dear friends Shannon and Tony arrived for a two night sleepover to make time for all the catching up from almost a year of not seeing one another. We can't go to them because of their resident parrot Tiki, who Tony mimics perfectly to howls of laughter. Mike's allergies as birds are pretty much at the top of the list of animals. We played tourist and visited the Kent Monkman exhibit at the Agnes Etherington Art Centre at Queen's. It was a deeply thought provoking, and troubling, depiction of how our native peoples were treated by the European settlers. For me, it seemed to pull the whole Indigenous issue together into one compelling story. All I can hope is many others have had the chance to see the impact history has had.
As our guests departed, I had enough time to dash into the shower and pack for a weekend silent retreat at Manresa Jesuit Centre in Pickering. My friend Dianne picked me up and off we went, chatting all the way to drain ourselves of as many words as possible before the cone of silence descended. You may wonder how I can possibly stay quiet all weekend but it's surprisingly simple. Why? The reason is to settle, listen to a director speak, in this case, about seeing ourselves from God's perspective and then reflecting on it long enough to possibly hear God's whispers about what the message means to each of us as individuals. We were invited to ask to see ourselves through God's eyes and heart. To remain open to receive the love and mercy of Him.
A few key messages included:
- The love of God for us cannot be changed. (Luke 15:11-32)
- It's not about how bad we are, it's about how beautiful we are to God.
- God's perspective is true, we are His children, in whom He takes delight.
- Just being close to us brings God joy.
- If we don't put our gift of love through our faith in His hands, we deprive God of His joy, of being loved, of the delight he takes in us.
- Perfection is not the goal or desire of God - it's us, as we are.
- For us to hear, recognize and receive God's love is what He wants.
During the closing session, called 'open circle' we have the opportunity to share with the group of 40 or so participants, what we gained from our experience. My original comment was
"Allowing the learning from this weekend to settle in will help in my efforts to stay on track. I've received the grace of better understanding of how my Best Friend views me. I have passed another point of freedom in my life".
For some reason I rewrote my final comment which I shared. It was,
"They say when the student is ready, the teacher appears. Lately I've been practicing a new response to other when I offer something or try to do something for someone and they try to refuse. I say 'Please don't rob me of my joy'. (and it has gone over very well of late). Now I can consider the same response from God's perspective and not rob Him of His joy when He offers His love to me."
Thank you Fr. John for giving me the grace to see.
I wish you the grace to see how much you are loved, right where you are and just as you are.
Take care and God Bless,
Hugs
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
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