Looking Inside to Better Understand the Outside

Here we are a mere two weeks since my last post with another national tragedy plummeting our nation into mourning.  It's difficult to understand how much we can absorb as human beings in terms of death and dying.  The news media though, if one follows it at all, cannot even by will, escape the ongoing intensity of the events of late.  The residents of Toronto are handling this event with grace and dignity which is truly a model for the entire world.  No protests, no lashing out, no hatred or denunciation of any perpetrator, just bonding together in loving, caring peace.

The events sort of remind me of my own harrowing experience with tragedy from over 15 years ago when my first husband Rick died suddenly one Sunday morning getting up to pour me a cup of tea.  A scant three weeks later, my Dad who'd offered to stay with me overnight for a time after Matt went back to university, went into acute heart failure at 5:30 a.m. the second night he was with me.  As it turned out, the same ambulance crew arrived and whisked Dad off to KGH who remained in ICU for a time, moved to a ward for two weeks before being discharged home.  Initially though, they'd said things were 'grim' and he may not survive.  All I could think of was how, before I could even start grieving for my husband I'd been yanked sideways into a whole different calamity.  Keep in mind, my nuclear family consisted of my father, husband, son and brother.  Period.  I remain thankful to this day for the many friends who supported me at the time.  As God would allow, we got to have my Dad around for almost two more years despite increasing frailty.  My husband Mike was able to meet and get to know my Dad for all of six months which was a blessing as Dad said to him while in hospital "I can go in peace now, I know she's not alone."  Whew, didn't realize all that was going to come out just now but come it did and, as I've said before, I rely on Holy Spirit to guide my hands to put out the messages which may be helpful to others.

Last Thursday, April 26th I rang the bell at the Cancer Centre, which you may know, signals the conclusion of a series of chemo treatments.  It was my last session of 18 which I believe has been a positive experience of managing this ongoing illness.  While my energy levels are admittedly low, it's hard to feel down with the actual signs of spring teasing us into exploring outdoors and planning our summer gardens.  

This coming Thursday, a cat scan is scheduled to determine more precisely how effective the chemo over the past five months has been.  The followup review and discussion of next steps will be next Tuesday, May 8th.  It could be anything from going on a maintenance program (of chemo) to simply going back to 'watchful waiting' and taking action only when my body misbehaves.  There was a large two page article in Saturday's newspaper focusing on the Cancer Centre and it was the very last sentence which piqued my interest in saying how cancer can be managed as a chronic illness.  I agree with that while also acknowledging it can also become nasty with little regard to anyone's life situation.  It's what we do with the time in between and, also during, treatment which is most important.

Just after my last post, a thought tumbled down into my brain, raising my spirits in a very airy, light, almost feathery way.  It was how the activity I've been keeping myself busy with can be considered part of my own personal ministry.  Obviously, over the years, dealing with people one on one, face to face, even email or by phone was always the best part of any work I did.  Well now I get to do the same thing only in a much more relaxed way, building it into my own waxing and waning of energy.  I'm being given the gift of being in contact with people while practicing some of the things which come naturally to me.  I quite enjoy sharing ideas and thoughts with others and hope I do so through these posts but also in other ways.  

These days it seems like I'm almost in a period of waiting.  Having said that, isn't most of life about waiting in one form or another?  The secret is to spend that time in the best way we can which brings us peace and comfort rather than frustration and impatience.  Maybe it's the time to spend building up my energy after the constant weekly draining of my body's fast growing cells.  I'm feeling like it's important to relax into this time of healing in order to be ready and willing for whatever God has planned for me in the coming weeks and months.  Have you ever felt a sense of being in a desert or a little boat out at sea, not really knowing when or where you might land?  I've had some of that going on around the edges of my being lately.  It's time to sit quietly, often, and look inside by spending time with myself.

I'm wondering if part of the answer came in the form of an email from Fr. Stephane, a dear sweet friend we've known since his arrival in the Kingston area more than a dozen years ago.  He was only 33 or so at the time but he could give homilies and tell stories to keep the congregation spellbound.  I have been in more frequent contact with the most recent email from him being an invitation to take part in an entire long weekend course in May.  He suggested if God is bringing my health back to me, it is for a mission!  While I whole heartedly agree, I must admit I was somewhat intimidated by having someone else point it out right there in black and while.  It gave me pause to think of what the true, first disciples of Jesus had to decide on, when they left everything to follow Him.  To even consider such a notion on a minute scale is daunting.  I suppose it's a healthy reaction anyone would have to such a challenge.
Without going into detail which I might be guessing about, here is part of the email Fr. Stephane sent:

There is a "Moses", within each one of us.
With our qualities and flaws, we are called by God and sent by Him: to be delivered into freedom for Him, and become the instrument of His liberation of others.

Here I am then, acting in my usual manner of discerning a little bit then jumping in with both feet, trusting this is what I'm meant to do (next).  I'll let you know at the end of May how I made out!  

In the meantime I hope to get some creative juices flowing in terms of planning a little more in the gardens, finally planting some perennials to ward off the invasion of weeds in a long planting row at the bottom of our retaining walls.  One of my very favourite things to do is to nurture a 'friendship garden' with cuttings or divisions of plants from people I know where I can 'visit' them while tending to their individual gifts of life.  

As the weather warms up, I hope you too find something to bring peace into your heart and nurturing for your soul.  Enjoy the wakening of spring and I promise to do the same.

Until next time,

Hugs and God Bless,

Liz

dobbsjones@gmail.com

"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."