The Other Side of Decisions

Today starts as one of those days, I've ever so grateful to not turn on the TV during the day.  I heard the news from a woman standing in front of me at Costco as we booked in to have an oil change on our cars.  It seems to me we are entering a period, or to tell the truth are in a period, where many of us protect ourselves by turning inward from the atrocities of the world around us.  It's not to ignore reality, rather it's to narrow our field of vision to see what's good in the world. Some days it seems to be the only way to hang onto hope.

I've been feeling better since having the blood transfusion on September 6th and despite the rumblings and tumblings in my abdomen, I'm blessed to be feeling as well as I am.  One of my coping strategies is to keep my hands away from poking and prodding, mentally trying to measure the changes going on.  I remain in email contact with my new favourite nurse, Lou and had repeat blood work done Friday to ensure my hemoglobin isn't sliding again.  Tomorrow we meet with my 'Symptom Doctor', to assess and address any issues.

As Mike and I discussed though, it's too late for any major intervention at this point.  We jointly took the giant leap of faith in deciding not to start chemo before our pilgrimage.

Through discernment, discussions with our caregivers, prayers and diving guidance, we have made the choice to receive support leading up to our departure.  On our return, we have an appointment with Dr. Biagi, leader of the clinical trial, on October 23rd with the hope the trial has or will open at any moment.  Some people have asked if it's in Kingston.  Yes it is, another chance to offer thanks.

Just before I leave the medical side of our adventures, I'd like to let you know, if you haven't already realized, these ramblings and my appearance, my outward positive attitude, while natural and authentic, don't come easily.  It's hard work digging down inside, and to use a phrase I quite like, turning over the 'crap of the past' and use it for fertilizer to grow a positive outcome of all this.  One mini outburst was to Fr. Leo whom I still stay in contact with at least by text since his retirement.  Here is part of my message to him, "....my plan is to participate in id (clinical trial) with the main goal of helping others through the research.  I'm actually sick and tired of living in fear of this illness and pretending not to be."  Guess what!?!?  Letting off that little bit of steam has simmered my emotions down to the point of gently bubbling along in my daily life.  It seems to be the only I can go back to, other than the barrage of prayers coming my way, to credit for this new found sense of calm in the midst of this major decision.

One other insight I've gained from all this, especially what I view to be a quantum leap of faith and decision making, is by stamping my feet, hands on hips and saying "NO", I'm NOT going to choose something, out of fear of what COULD happen, I know will decease my quality of life only weeks before going on this trip of a lifetime!"  The nugget in all this, is to RELINQUISH CONTROL, which is at the root of some of my most damaging emotions.  Each time I reflect on it, I'm going back to meeting, my almost life long enemy, face to face.  Another simple, but brilliant insight, in its simpleness.  Confirming once more, we don't get it, until we get it.  On our own.  In our own time and in our own way.

As I ponder these thoughts, it's like jumping off a cliff, trusting your parachute will open, which it does, allowing you to enjoy the scenery before an ever so soft landing, wondering why you had any fear in the first place.

We picked up our travel documents late last week, and inquired during our meeting about the insurance we purchased through the Tour Company, Collette.  While we'd never heard of them, just goes to show our depth of knowledge of the industry.  They have been in the business for 100 years!  No wonder they do their own insurance underwriting.  We were assured there was no problem.  My handwritten notes from the presentation I attended back in March, I was reassured by the comment 'stable for 90 days prior to application for insurance', in the case of pre-existing conditions like mine.

It's finally becoming a reality, we are travelling a week from tomorrow!  Being a traveller who likes to 'just show up', 'tell me the details later', and pack about the day or so before, I'm surprised at my desire to look up each of the stops on our tour.  There is an innate interest in learning at least a little bit about each point of interest.  At one of my virtual stops, I believe Lourdes, a sense of peaceful joy came over me covering me with a blanket of total caring and worry free sense of calm.  More to go and I look forward to more emotional reactions.  My friend Brenda suggested this trip could be a spiritual awakening of sorts, or reconciliation.  The word 'catharsis' came to mind although I had to look it up to see if it's what I really meant.  It's certainly close enough, by saying it's a spiritual release of suppressed emotions. I can almost feel the meaning.

The last couple of weeks have included time with family as my friend Martha and I played 'Kitchen Fairies for daughter in law Jaclyn, and 'Purging Fairies, for daughter Brooke.  They were both thrilled with the results of us flying in, unpacking cupboards, drawers, boxes and ordering them around as only fairies can do.  It felt more like playing than anything else and, while at Brooke's, we each had to take a turn at Matilda's Hair Studio which consisted of a tiny stool to sit on in the kitchen while she brushed our hair and affixed tiaras on our coiffed dos as she stood back, obviously very proud of her accomplishments.

We enjoyed brunch together with Matt, Jaclyn, Ella and Jaclyn's parents to celebrate Matt's 34th birthday!  For many people family gatherings are an every weekend, automatic thing they do with one, two or many of their siblings and parents.   I've watched, over the years, how rich and fulfilling a strong family connection can impact an individual's sense of self.  Given our relatively small families of origin here in Canada, we are growing in this wonderful tradition others have lived for so long.  In fact, we were discussing how Ella, has nine 'grandparents' given her blended family whereas I'd never met any of my grandparents and Mike had only met one and then only once or twice.

My next post is scheduled for the day we take a coach ride from Lourdes, France, back to Barcelona, in order to fly to Rome the following day.  If my plans bear out, I may be able to do an update on my iPad as we travel.

I will leave you now, wishing you and yours a Happy Thanksgiving as the passing of the days picks up speed leading us into this potentially life changing adventure!

Take care, hugs
and God Bless,

Liz

dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."