The prayer and medical adventures continue, with another appointment with my oncologist, Dr. Francis and Dr. Biagi, leader of the upcoming clinical trial. It turns out the clinical trial is not proceeding as quickly as they had hoped. They are now aiming for mid to late October.
A nurse angel, my new best nurse ever, Lou, whom I've only met by phone so far is helping me monitor my health every few days to determine if I am best to start chemo Sept. 19th, or, to wait, go on our trip and start the trial on our return. If I start chemo it’s three weeks on, one week off for five months. I would get the first cycle done before we go then restart on our return but would have to complete the full protocol of five months before considering the trial. I could go from chemo to trial seamlessly. It was made very clear, if the chemo is effective, I will not be taken off something that works to be put on something that might work.
At the end of our conversation we agreed on next steps including:
- Further blood work to be done immediately following our appointment to ensure a proper match.
- Arrangements would be made to attend the chemo unit for a transfusion which occurred the next day. The goal is to reduce the level of fatigue.
- Dr. Biagi would confirm, by the following week, the date the trial opens.
- Someone would be calling to check in with me the following week to see how I was feeling.
- If I feel ok after the transfusion, we are aiming to hold off any treatment until clinical trial opens in mid to late October.
Later that same day I received a call to be at the Chemo Unit for 11:30 the next day. I use this example as a reminder of how blessed we are to have the level of health care so close to home.
Off we went, a reminder of times past, like the routine over five months last year of weekly visits
with Tess as my chauffeur and 'in house nurse', meeting Mike there (remember he was still working then), and making the best of the situation.
Last week I had a bright, clear view of the lake as I was prepped and poked, receiving two units of 'packed cells' over the course of four hours. I know you're likely wondering 'Doesn't the body only hold a certain amount of blood?', 'Do they have to take some out to put more in?', 'Are packed cells concentrated like laundry detergent - a little goes a long way?' Well in fact the body can absorb extra blood and the red blood I received had the 'liquid' taken out and so in a way it is concentrated.
The next couple of days were sleepy tired rather than weak tired. Nurse Lou, confirmed my own intuitive cause of this change in fatigue. I'd been told I should perk right up after the transfusion, my own thought was the body must have to take some time to get used to this new enriched formula coursing through its veins, which is correct. I can't say I'm back to the Energizer Bunny on steroids, and no longer have that inclination.
The important conclusion I've drawn is while it took a few days to adjust, I said to Mike as I have in the past, “If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was well.”
As of today, Sunday, September 17th, my Prayer Priority is "If it is in keeping with God’s Plan, I pray to stay well until the clinical trial opens, go on Pilgrimage to Barcelona, Lourdes and Rome Oct. 10-20 then start trial on our return home.
I'm somehow driven to take this very major leap of faith and trust in God to hold me safe in the palm of His hand until the clinical trial opens. Coming to this conclusion is the result of prayerful discernment, a review of many of my own beliefs and, most importantly, truly putting my life in God's hands. I cannot, in writing, begin to describe the hope filled challenge this decision is in my life right now. It's almost like standing on the edge of a cliff with my own worst nightmare closing in behind me, and taking that final step with the full trust of being kept safe during the free fall. In my heart I believe these next few weeks could be life changing. Perhaps not in obvious external ways but rather internally, in my heart and soul, where I can live in peace knowing God truly loves and cares for me. Tucked in the back of my mind of course, is if this is not in His plan, we will simply have to accept whatever Plan B might be.
One of the factors in my decision making has been the training provided by my caregivers throughout these adventures, which has been to advise them if I've felt unwell for two weeks. Despite 'slight progression, well maybe progression' and feeling more lumps and bumps in my abdomen, I feel well after the transfusion. Why then, would I trade feeling well for not feeling well (a given with the fatigue and side effects of chemo) a mere four weeks prior to a major trip which is only ten days long?
And so I plan to bravely walk forward, living every day well, listening closely to the messages coming my way like those giant lit up billboards on the 401:
Those of late have been centred very much on quiet stillness and trust which is a forever issue for me. ‘In quietness and trusting confidence I find strength in you Lord.’ (Isaiah 30:15)
I believe when it’s our day, it’s our day, not one minute sooner or later than planned by God.
Decisions only affect the quality of the journey, not the end date.
Trust and waiting are inextricably linked.
When we listen to Holy Spirit, we can understand how God is present in our lives and make good decisions.
“You have to go through this, even now, but you’re going to be ok. You have lots more work to do.” (a drop by visit from someone I’ve known for years who stayed only long enough to deliver that message)
In closing, I share a couple of examples of how I am learning to listen to the 'whispers'.
On September 5th, while going through emails and sorting through details that lead me down paths I never knew existed, I came across a message from someone who has frequently shared feedback on my blog posts. Not having heard from them lately, I dashed off a quick email to ask if all was ok, asking to simply let me know. Within a few hours I received an outpouring of reflections as it was the fifth anniversary of the loss of their spouse! I treasure such messages having been able to positively affect someone's day by listening to the whisper and simply touching base.
On the 9th of September, again on a winding path of email and internet searching I came across a Go Fund Me page for someone who had shared the background story of the individual in need of help. Since their attempt to be in contact, the person felt no updates were being posted due to conflicting family issues. When I finally found the site I saw there had been no update for at least two months, I simply sent a message asking for more recent information as I was considering a donation. (it's only through this page someone can know what's going on. Within an hour or more, an update had been posted! On making my donation I made it clear the only way I even learned of their need was through someone. Whether it helps mend a wounded relationship is not for me to know or to think it could be that easy. Even still, wow, Holy Spirit certainly heeds the call to action when we need His intervention.
In order to live a more peace filled, contented life I will continue to spend time in quietness and trusting confidence, knowing our Lord is giving me strength.
Enjoy these gorgeous days and remain open for your own whispers.......
Take care, God Bless,
Hugs
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."
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