The tree is down, ornaments tucked away and that one lingering reminder of Christmas still on the counter which happens to be a ceramic of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Why is it, that with all the scouring around, it never fails that at least one final remnant of the holiday is left behind. If it wasn't for our curious neighbour, it may well have remained in place until next Christmas.
New Year's came and went with a night of take out Chinese food together with a dear friend, followed by a movie both she and Mike thoroughly enjoyed. Me, not so much. I spent much of my time catching up reading daily messages of hope. They really like action films where I'm more discerning about what I might watch. A comment to one of the kids' friends was "I realize this might sound morbid, but given that my expiry date may be sooner than others, I ask myself if this is really how I'd like to spend my time. Often the answer is no." It reminds me of the merry go round discussions about trying something new, be it hairstyle (ya right, what hair! lol), clothes, foods, drinks (ya you really should try red wine, it's better for you), tea (Red Rose while perhaps boring to some, is simply my go to), food (ok so I'm not so adventuresome), vacation destinations and on and on. You know how it goes. I've decided, now that I'm 60, I really can make up my own mind and I can pick and choose what I like and prefer, what I'll try and what I won't, thank you very much. It's an area of my life I can much more easily practice the word "NO" than in other areas.
Have you found yourself at times in your life, saying 'yes' just to please others? If not, kudos to you for having the confidence and backbone to know yourself well enough to do so. The last few weeks have become a source of reflection about how I respond to many aspects of life. Much of it focuses on relationships and the related effort, work and investment one must make to maintain and strengthen relationships of all kinds.
In a conversation recently with a man from our church, I acknowledged that his wife has been gone, how many years? Only coming up to three in March, he says, and despite the loving support and kindness from family, it's still very hard. Having walked in his shoes, it seemed only fitting to say how much I don't know how he feels, having lost a spouse myself. The reason for it, is that every path of grief is as unique as the relationship of the two people who were in it. Certainly I can empathize but just as certainly I cannot 'know just exactly how he feels'. A short parking lot chat, another little step along the path of friendship.
During one of our holiday visits, Matt's fiance (it's really true!) commented on how she has many friends and may become overwhelmed by the flurry of suggestions, comments and options sent her way about wedding planning. Well, now there's something we can help with! It was agreed her sister (also maid of honour), her mom and I would sit down together to scope out the ideas and plans that she and Matt share. We could be a sort of senate reviewing matters that concern Jaclyn and provide that second sober thought. The first discussion proved productive and helpful to the new soon to be bride and groom.
Interestingly, in an effort to voice my feelings and position as mother of the groom, I articulated thoughts that apply to many areas of my life.
'First of all, I really, really like to included; not in all the detailed, day to day happenings, but in a general, overall sense. Second, I will have an opinion on just about everything. Third, and most important, I will always respect their (Matt and Jaclyn) decisions.'
By saying those words out loud, I realized how much of a framework it created for me to follow each day. On reflection, the words that came from my heart, allowed me to take a look back and realize that some of the past bumps in relationships have been due to operating outside that framework. The three critical words, for me, are inclusion, opinion, decisions.
I've learned that inclusion is very important to me; not so much to be physically included as to be informed, being treated as though I matter when it comes to matters of life that may affect mine. Perhaps I tend to be over sensitive in this category but at least by being able to name the feeling, the gently journey of dealing with it can move forward.
I've long wondered I've left the impression with people that 'it's my way or the highway', or 'do whatever you want, you're going to it anyway'. Was it the words I used, the tone of the conversation or some combination? I'm learning it can easily be a combination of both. The more careful I am with words, the better the reaction from the recipient. Keep in mind, this hyper sensitive person (that being me) coupled with a turbo charged imagination can create possible outcomes worthy of an Oscar for drama. Perhaps it's been the result of talking while at the height of my own internal drama, I attempt to address issues, pushing away any hope of a congenial conversation. Now that I'm aware of it, the comments can be crafted using words expressing an opinion rather than sounding like imposing a direction. Am I simply softening my approach given my new, exalted place in life - that of almost a true senior citizen? It sure leaves me wondering why it takes us so long to learn such seemingly simple lessons.
The third word, decision, has intrigued me with the impact it's had on my mental and emotional state. That is, since the decision is not mine, neither is the responsibility for the outcome. As a result, it is pretty easy to dial back any anxiety about the final outcome of whatever the subject of discussion. What I find hard to believe is how much of the world's population seems to operate at this basic level. No wonder I've been told that I have a tendency to overcomplicate things. I sort of thought this learning would have come quickly on the heels of tendering my resignation as Director of the Universe some years ago. Perhaps it's taking longer than expected to have my brain divest itself of the automatic creation of hundreds of flow charts related to the simplest of issues. As I write this, many examples pop up, thereby increasing fatigue!
A recent discussion with a close friend led to her sharing something she'd learned about the difference between accountability vs. judgment. Hmmmm, sounded interesting, tell me more.
Accountability comes from a place of love. Dealing with matters from a place of love helps clarify the outcomes of actions and decisions. It is heard without creating feelings of defensiveness.
Judgment on the other hand comes out of a place of pride. It can come across as critical, demeaning or harsh, causing the recipient to shut down, become defensive or lash out.
Well, this post is not intended to be a lecture on human behaviour and I absolutely do not claim to be an expert on anything, just sharing thoughts and learnings and questions. It seems to be increasingly an exercise in sitting down, remaining open and simply sharing the goings on in my brain and heart at the time of writing. Not to say, no thought has been put into it, rather the culmination of the past couple of weeks of percolating thoughts.
I'll be signing off now with good wishes to you for good health and peace in your heart for the year we're heading into. Remember to start and end each day with thoughts of thankfulness for all that we have, "there by the grace of God, go I".
Lots of love and hugs,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".
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