The 'Patient' Patient Wait - Life in the Cancer Lane

First off, let's cover the medical update.  When lying on the couch toward the end of April, there was a small part inside that had to continually remind me that  - every day forever more was not going to be like it was.  A little ping to self that the days will brighten, much like the sun rising every day to bring new hope for the days ahead.  Or popping one's head out of a rabbit hole to see that life can actually be normal for a time.  May has certainly been a month of beauty in terms of well being and an overall 'great picture ' that the oncologist was happy to paint for me.

Weight loss has crept up to about 35 pounds (yay), tumour marker while not updated (maybe next time) was 128 at last count, mass in liver has shrunk closer to 50% than original report of 30%, bloodwork was very good with even hemoglobin close to normal levels.  Decision was made to continue with chemo and complete full 6 cycles.  That means today's session will be 4B or the second treatment of cycle 4 (once a week for three weeks followed by a week off).

I am totally off all narcotics and taking a muscle relaxant called Baclofen twice a day.  While typically used to treat back spasms, it can be used to treat chronic muscle pain due to stiffness and the inability to loosen things up through physical activity.  My plan is to resume pool walking hopefully 3 times a week, incorporating physiotherapy into my routine, and, getting outside to walk or gently play in the garden to help stretch those angry muscles.

You may be wondering about the title of this post and, like me, never really gave much thought to the vast amount of waiting that goes along with a cancer diagnosis.  Someone had brought it to my attention some time ago, which I've pondered ever since, and can only now relate to.  Keep in mind though, it's not all bad, especially when you can turn things over and around and look at them quite differently than in the past.

During a recent lunch with former colleagues, the subject of travel came up and we were regaled with the details of fabulous trips taken since retiring and how the new found sense of freedom allows for such whimsical decisions.  Trips?  Had to cancel a much looked forward trip to Mexico with step daughter Krista and husband Mike Jones.  Any trips in the foreseeable future?  Don't know as such plans need to revolve around treatment schedules.

As our world has been shrinking we've learned it has much to do with waiting - waiting for appointments, waiting for treatment, waiting for results, waiting for information, waiting for outcomes, waiting until the last minute for plans to see how I'm feeling.  Don't get me wrong, life can still be lived fully, just with significantly greater restrictions and limitations on one's self, family, lifestyle and friends, to name a few.  Part of the reverse side of this 'life change' is having the time to ask myself how much do I really miss cocktail parties, networking events, community involvement, volunteer roles, work, and all those things, that while deeply satisfying at times, continued to take me away from family and time with them, and, myself.

What has replaced a full time plus job, social connections and such?  As I relax into this vastly different lifestyle, a new found sense of peace has opened up with lots of time to enjoy the solitude to explore life on a much deeper level.  My old self would have been anxious after hearing about wonderful trips and excursions, wondering what I'd missed and eager to figure out what might come next in our own lives.  These adventures in prayer and medicine have allowed a sense of serenity and peace to settle over our lives, forcing us to slow down the rapid pace of life and truly enjoy the more simple experiences of our existence here on earth.

A good example became apparent on the May long weekend when 4 year old Granddaughter Ella spent Sunday night and Monday with us.  We played 'Easter' at the park down the street with plastic Easter eggs were hidden in plain site around the playground equipment, taking turns hiding and finding.  If it weren't for nature's call to send us scurrying home, who knows how long we may have spent on this version of 'hide and seek'.  Even more importantly, as we were floating stick boats down the creek with friend Brenda over for a visit, someone appeared at the top of the hill with a baby leaving us baffled as to who may have dropped in.  As it turns out, Ella's mom and Dad Matt had planned a surprise that Ashley and baby sister Emmy would drive to Kingston from Cornwall to surprise Grandma who had not yet met 7 month old Emmy (this being her longest trip in the car in her little life).  I'm not sure how to even describe the experience other than some solid concrete sense of love and caring that has left me with an enormous sense of peaceful joy.

It's also been a time over the past couple of weeks to receive love filled messages from our children that warms the heart.  From Nathalie, a note by snail mail (imagine!?) wishing 'Happy 12th Mother's Day as one of my moms in this ever-growing family of ours.  I am so blessed for all of the opportunities and wisdom you have shared with me over the years'.  
A text from Matt 'I can't even put into words how brave/strong/resilient you have been through this entire 'journey'...stronger than I have ever been, and the prayers will continue from all of us.'
From Brooke and family 'Thinking of you with love, all the Belles (family) that a love you.'

The reason for sharing these comments is how precious they become when you have the time to absorb and reflect on the true meaning of such gems.  To have such a sense of validation of the meaning one has in the lives of others, makes life with all its bumps, so worthwhile.

In closing, I'd like to share the news that the counsellor I'd been seeing until a year ago, passed away on the 11th of May as a result of his own cancer diagnosis, just about this time last year.  God bless Dr. George Linn and may he enjoy the fruits of heaven after spending so many years here providing support to people needing his help.

Take care, God bless and lots of love and hugs,
Liz

"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".