On the medical front - nothing new. How's that for news? Best I've had in a long time especially with the hopeful picture painted by my oncologist shared with you in my last post.
Treatment 4C was completed last week without incident leaving this week free from the Tuesday trip for a poke for bloodwork and return trip Wednesday for more pokes and chemo. As well, no fantasizing about ego muffins made fresh by the staff of the Auxiliary Cafe at KGH. They have become my favourite indulgence over the past couple of months while lounging in my lazy boy chair in the chemo unit. According to the nurses, if I can tolerate eggs, no appetite problems. I must admit though, taste buds seem to have been stripped of their taste for certain things. One, which I'm not sure I would have ever believed, is the taste for alcohol. Mind you, it's not that I consider myself a big drinker by any means, but to even be put off white wine?! Truly, that's a pain I could do without. All this time I've been saying that if I get told 'This is it', my demise is imminent, I'd simply reply 'Then bring on the wine!' And now I don't even want it! Imagine?! On the bright side though, many less empty calories, less sugar and, voila!, less weight. I'm feeling much more mobile having shed roughly 35 pounds since retiring my 'Maggie meds'. I say roughly because vigilance is required to avoid the obsession about numbers on a scale or the numbers reflected in the CA125 blood test. Both of these measures are intended to provide an overview of trends without cause for elation or desolation based on any specific number. Hence, I choose not to jump on the scale on any regular basis outside of the mandatory leap prior to a doctor's appointment nor call or email to obtain the CA125 results even though I've had two done since the reported 128. Having this week 'off' has in many ways reflected a more normal routine with a conscious appreciation of how time is my own, to do as I please, even if that includes a whole lot of nothing for a change.
I have been able to spend some time playing in the garden, digging dirt and pulling weeds which I find good for the soul; mine anyway. To me it's a solitude with a purpose as I yank out the uninvited and pull out the grass that has grown where least wanted, while freeing my inner spirit to explore some of my deepest thoughts. The benefit is obvious of course to see a refreshed little plot of earth more clearly boasting its intended inhabitants while a deep sense of calm has claimed my inner garden. Nature's secret of course is to keep it all in balance, or more appropriately, in its proper rhythm.
This post is a couple of days late which dare I say seems to be becoming a habit which I will blame on external circumstances rather than my own procrastination. For those of you familiar with the Myers Briggs Personality Index, my profile is that of Extrovert, who talks to think, Intuitive, who can see the big picture without going through all the details, Feeling, who makes decisions based on emotion and Perceptual, who declares "Deadline? I better get started!" (vs. the Judging, who plan their work and work their plan). If you have patience, you'll bear with me as I remain divided between sitting at the computer and playing outside pondering what will attract my attention next. Keep in mind though, that the fodder for my posts is always gently percolating in the back of my mind in order that when the time comes and I can wrestle myself into the chair, it really does seem to just flow. The secret of course is that I invoke the Holy Spirit to do His work through my hands, which I truly believe He does.
On that note I'd like to briefly share a little bit of my learning over the past several weeks from the adult faith development course offered at our church, called the Wild Goose is Loose. If you happen to be from a Christian background, you'll have some familiarity with this divine, yet elusive member of the Trinity known as the Holy Spirit. (feel free to visit thewildgoose.com for more information) My interpretation is that the Holy Spirit is the power behind many of the actions and activities that we may do in the name of our faith. For example, one can simply ask 'By the power of the Holy Spirit open my heart and my mind to hear what you want me to hear and what you want me to feel'. As described in one of the videos, 'the Holy Spirit is like the wind while we are like a sailboat waiting for the wind to fill our sails. From there the creativity can be boundless and we can skip across the water with confidence knowing we have the power of God right in our midst. Being filled with the allows for feelings of being good enough and dispels the feelings of guilt and shame we may be carrying.
Yesterday we spent part of the day in Waterloo to attend Nathalie's graduation from Wilfred Laurier University. It's the first post secondary convocation I have attended given that I hadn't attended my own, my son Matt chose not to attend his and Gabe also didn't attend his own. I will openly and publicly apologize to dear friends Marie and Frank from Kitchener for skipping in and out of town without connecting. We will make it up to you - pinky promise! Five of us piled into the truck to see the most important day of Nathalie's life for the past four years. GRADUATION - something that made me go 'hmmmm' as I sat among hundreds of family members almost glowing with the sense of pride and accomplishment for their loved one. What I found of interest was how I replayed my own life through a lens of self evaluation wondering if I have truly lived up to my potential, and given my all in the intervening years. These students are standing ready on the diving board of life to jump, dive or somersault into the next phase of their existence here on earth, hopefully with a sense of purpose and passion.
What I find somewhat surprising is that having received a cancer diagnosis almost four years ago, did not have the same profound affect on me. Maybe it was sitting in the midst of these bright inquiring minds that sparked my own emotions. Maybe it was the comments made by the Chancellor, Michael Lee-Chin or those of Dr. Peter Wilkinson Howitt who encouraged all graduates to follow their passion. Or maybe just an opportune time for reflection on the years gone by, almost in an instant, without any guarantee for the future. The solace in all this is that we have to believe that we made the best decisions we could given the information we had, at the time of every cross road in life. Life was different a generation ago and will be different a generation from now. It's just that we've gained the depth of experience having been around as long as we have and gained the insights and knowledge from living our own lives.
Lunch with a friend recently provided me with yet another aha moment, profound in its simplicity. What else is new? It seems to be happening with some regularity. For whatever reason, the subject of purging came up and how each of us deals with things differently. Here I have been, almost like a soul chased by demons, trying to prepare and get ready for my own exit from this earthly existence. Yet here we sat casually chatting when my friend very calmly stated that whatever will need to be dealt with, will have to be done by her two sons. I thought 'pardon'? You mean you're just going to keep living your life, doing the things you enjoy, ignoring those you don't? You're going to leave your house and possessions as they are and not start stripping shelves bare of their furnishings in anticipation of your trip to the great beyond? Oh what a calming and relaxing image. More importantly, a very practical and astute way to look at things. The impact it had on me was like taking a box of disjointed thoughts, giving it a good shake resulting in a much more orderly mental image. It highlighted the importance of separating the earthly from the spiritual. It's also provided me with the freedom to focus on what I'd like to do rather than what I think I have to do and if it's nothing at all but looking out at the birds, listening to their serenade, so be it. On that note, I will sign off and perhaps go and do just that.
Happy Father's Day to any Dads who might be reading this, have a great weekend enjoying this glorious entrance into summer.
Lots of love and hugs,
Liz
'Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive.'
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