The Deepest Rabbit Hole Yet

Well it sure seems like I spoke too soon in my last post about the lack of winter around here!  Last Thursday my son Matt and I drove from downtown to the west end in a snow squall that had all the markings of a good old fashioned, blinding blizzard.  We couldn't see the traffic lights to know whether we could turn or if cars might be approaching.

Funny thing was, knowing full well that it was 'just a squall', after our harrowing 50 minute drive one way which is normally no more than 20, and regrouping once home, we would look out to a clear landscape wondering if what we'd just navigated really happened.  In the few days since of course, temperatures have plummeted to almost deep freeze status leaving many of us firmly planted indoors with only the occasional poking of a nose out the door to see if the mail or paper had arrived.  Brrrrrr!!!!!!!!

Since my last writing it seems I owe a large 'mea culpa', hesitatingly slow though, to the little known radiologist who reported on the outcome of my ultrasound of mid-January.  More on that in a moment.  Unusual as it is, I waited a week and a half after receiving the report and still heard nothing from anyone regarding next steps, finally emailing asking what was planned.  In as much as I try to remain polite and somewhat professional in my email correspondence, I couldn't help but assert that I don't want to be 'written off' before my time.'

Last Thursday evening (the 4th of February) around 8 pm I received a call directly from my oncologist with at least a partial update.  It turns out after reviewing the ultrasound with her 'go to guy', that a biopsy was no longer necessary.  Why you might ask as I certainly did.

Well the fact that the mass had grown and it exhibited certain defining features, leads to only one conclusion.  Despite the earlier conclusion that it was 99% not cancer, well, there I was, landing squarely in the 1% category.  What else is new given that all aspects of my adventures have been unusual and fit no standard pattern of this type of illness.  And that's coming from the specialists themselves - and several of them! What that does, at least, is allow one to grasp that single thread of hope that nothing is certain - good or bad.  And besides, just because I'm not medically curable, doesn't mean I'm on a direct path to expiration!  I've searched everywhere to see if someone had stamped a best before date on me somewhere, but with none being found, I will continue to pray and take each day as it comes.

What's next you might ask?  Well, so do I.  It seemed like the whole world was away last week and with that, any next steps will wait to be discussed on or after the 16th of February.  The likely plan is to include a chemo consult that could potentially mean weekly treatments.

Surgery of any kind is not an option for a number of reasons which I won't delve into here, it's just the way it is.   My oncologist inquired of me several times during our telephone conversation if I was ok (Mike was not home at the time), I finally expressed that I possess a deep rooted ability to emotionally detach from certain situations.  She was feeling badly that she herself was uncertain of next steps and would need help.  Being a teaching hospital, I see that as a good thing.  There are several individuals, some younger, some older, more or less experienced where one can consult and learn how to treat complicated cases, and there seems to be across the board agreement that mine is one of them.   I remain relatively asymptomatic meaning there aren't any obvious signs of my current state.  In fact, when I see people for the first time in a while they continue to comment on how well I look.  Remaining as gracious as possible, I simply reply that it's a common reaction.



News such as this has a definite impact, even on the most resolute of individuals.  Sleep however did not evade me that Thursday night and in fact Mike and I (he took Friday off to be with me), napped away much of the day Friday, likely the body's response to the emotional exhaustion we'd just experienced.  Within a day or two, I was quite surprised at how physically and emotionally  balanced I seemed to feel. 
 That's not to say I don't get thoughts invading my mind like zombies on a horror show, but I'm developing ways to cope and push them away, replacing them with positive images.  In fact, turning to prayer and meditation is most helpful.  After all, there is nothing I can directly do to affect the outcome and for every day that I might play 'Woe Is Me' or 'Oh the End is Near' or any other such victim laced laments, I lose.
In fact, in some ways, I'm being led even closer to the place of doing only that which I choose to do and not agreeing to whatever others would have me get involved in.  In a strange way it's quite liberating.  You might think I would have achieved that status long before now but it really does take a long time to adjust to this strange new found freedom.

I mentioned last time that Lent was approaching and last Wednesday was Ash Wednesday marking the beginning of the 40 day period of prayer, penance, sacrifice and reflection in preparation for Easter.

The days of giving things up have been waning especially in recent years although it is a good time to make changes to parts of our personal lives that required a sustained period of adjustment.  Many might view it as a cleansing period by abstaining from such habits as alcohol, coffee (hence the Roll Up The Rim Contest to combat that one), chocolate or other popular cravings.  In pondering this behaviour, which is good in and of itself, has left me wondering if it placed too much emphasis on the self and might keep someone looking inward rather than out at the greater world around them.  Let's face it, anything we focus on, tends to get the most attention and are we really achieving a sense of growth and development by avoiding our favourite  treats for six weeks?

In the Catholic Church, 2016 is the Year of Mercy where we are all encouraged to look outward from ourselves and extend a hand, an ear, or a shoulder to someone who might need our help or benefit from the gifts bestowed upon us.  Apparently (I've just learned myself) there are two types of 'works of mercy', that being corporal and spiritual, within which there are seven of each.  I must admit that having been raised a cradle Catholic, there is so much I don't know.  Are you wondering right now what those works of mercy might be?

Ok, rather than suggest you look them up, and since I just did, here is a brief summary:

Corporal:
1. Feed the hungry
2. Give drink to the thirsty
3. Clothe the naked
4. Provide shelter for the homeless
5. Visit the sick (but no, please don't show up on my doorstep en masse!)
6. Visit the imprisoned
7. Bury the dead

Spiritual:
1. Instruct the ignorant
2. Counsel the doubtful
3. Admonish sinners
4. Bear wrongs patiently
5. Forgive offences willingly
6. Comfort the afflicted
7. Pray for the living and the dead

When I read them over, none of it is rocket science or require jet fuel to launch.  I view it rather as a framework of activity that I can sort through like clothes in my closet to see what fits and suits me best and fits within my God given gifts and talents.  A very simple example was last week when Father Leo asked a number of questions challenging us on who is going to do what.  One of the examples was 'Who is going to visit the elderly person on their birthday'.  Well, what do you know but Mike and I had already planned to go visit Doris, my late Dad's friend as she had turned 94 the day before!  Simple huh?  Using that as a sort of launching pad, I've since tried to initiate some kind of good work on a daily basis.  It might be as simple as spending time at the Y while in the pool walking and talking with an individual who has developmental challenges yet is friendly and clearly craving some sort of human interaction.  It also might be putting oneself in the appropriate place as it relates to events and activities around them.  An example of what I can sometimes find to be one of the most difficult are those Spiritual four and five.  Rather than let pride take over and feel slighted by the slightest thing (no pun intended), simply take a deep breath, and, much more difficult, keep one's mouth shut.  My experience with practicing this activity over the past while, has led to a much calmer feeling inside, no sense of after burn and a brighter outlook.  Besides, who says I have to meddle and insert my opinion into every matter that happens to be within earshot or eyesight!    It's becoming one of my personal best tools in the fight against anxiety and stress.  It's quite amazing how this change in behaviour, and a really good one to practice during Lent, can lighten one's emotional load and create a light, almost airy feeling inside the heart.

I'd liken it almost to being as effective as breaking an addiction despite not really having any direct  personal experience with addiction, just some long standing not so great habits.  I'm not really sure when it happened for me, but definitely only recently after a very long period of sounding like a broken record about the perceived injustices being done to and around me.  

Now to sound like a broken record within the context of my blog and its related posts, the subject of purging has been renewed like a torch on a dark night as a result of my latest medical news.  When I combine it with Lenten activities, I actually become a little excited to know I can go through the next layer of 'stuff' and fill boxes to be sent to the Dominican Republic where the sister of a friend from church lives and helps the desperately poor and needy.

 I wonder how deep one must go to find and sustain the sense of being a minimalist, ah, reminds me to get out a book I've had for a very long time but never really delved into, 'Simple Abundance'.  Add that to my little project list.

What is on your little project list?  What are the activities that warm your heart in terms of doing for others?  What might be those long standing activities that you've really meant to do but simply haven't?  I guess I would encourage you, as time and energy permits, to explore those inner thoughts and feelings and maybe try one or two.  No one says that just because we try something we have to make any sort of long term commitment.

Whatever we choose to get involved in has to align with our own interests and values.  I suppose I could count writing this post as my good work for the day but I don't think I'll let myself off that easily, this afternoon promises to have God bring me an activity that He'd really like to see me undertake so I'd better remain open to His guidance.

If you're still reading after all this and still alert, I will sign off and thank you as usual for indulging me in pouring out at least a few things that have been swirling around in my brain like that snowfall last Thursday!

Without prolonging this message, I realize I forgot to even acknowledge Valentine's Day which of course was yesterday.  I hope that you and yours had a warm and loving day.  If on your own, I hope you spent the day doing some of your favourite things.

Take care and all the best for the next couple of weeks.  And as you know prayers are always more than welcome.

Hugs and God Bless,
Liz

dobbsjones@gmail.com

"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".