Whether the Ground Hog sees his shadow tomorrow or not, it doesn't seem to much matter given the obvious lack of intensity of winter this year! Hopefully I haven't spoken too soon and set the stage for a final six weeks of cold, blustery snow filled days and nights!
I leave the weather to my late Dad to manage since he loved the sun and heat and hated the cold so I ask him to put in a good word for us whenever necessary besides having a statue of the Virgin Mary in the front window and a Rosary hanging out the back at all times!
On the medical front, the adventures continue with having had an ultrasound on January 18th. This was the first time I've had an ultrasound when I was instructed to abstain from food or drink, including water for 6 hours prior to the test. I still carry the memories of sitting cross legged in the waiting room fearing that at any moment I might burst a leak and have the floor awash in my uncontainable bladder output! That of course being in the days when a woman who was pregnant had to drink outrageous amount of fluid prior to having an ultrasound! The reason I found out, for no intake, is that the ultrasound was to be of only my liver, and, in order to get a clear image of what might be lurking there, any food or fluid intake could be roaming around creating abstract artwork when what was needed were clear, identifiable images. Oh, well that makes perfect sense. Glad I asked!
The next day I happened to have an appointment with my oncologist on what must have been the busiest clinic day in my experience over the past 3+ years. She was interrupted and yanked from the room several times to peer into the netherlands of female anatomies in the midst of our discussion. Oh my, can you just imagine? My heart went out to the caring an compassionate and highly skilled individual who was doing her best to accommodate everyone needing her expertise. And me, of course, sending her off as I have more time than most to hang out in the cancer centre waiting for attention.
What turned out to be somewhat discomforting was being handed the ultrasound report of the day before. A radiologist I'd never heard of (not that me knowing or hearing of someone makes them good, bad or indifferent - after all who do I think I am in assessing medical competence) seemingly simplistically concluded that the mass in my liver must be cancer because it has grown since the cat scan. Gee, thanks a lot. That conclusion without any investigation, without any biopsy, without anything but a video image of my liver. Needless to say my oncologist was not happy with the report either and immediately replied she would be checking with those whom she had reviewed the cat scan results. During that appointment I also signed a consent to have a biopsy done as my 'two pack' has expanded to 20 x 12 x12 cm from 15.2 x 12 x 9.5. No wonder I feel pressure in my abdomen and can't suck in my belly no matter how hard I try! Today, I remain in limbo, waiting to hear what next steps will be taken based on the most recent findings and review.
Part of what is descending on me is the acceptance that while I can truly rejoice in the good days (like today feeling clear headed and ready to tackle at least some paperwork), that overall, I need to take each day as it comes and that, as they say, medically I'm not curable which I suppose will have its own ups and downs. With that acceptance and realization though, comes a sense of grief and loss that I wasn't sure I'd experienced before now. I do recall the days when I could say "If I didn't know better, I'd think I was well". I've had time over the last while to think about and ponder in a melancholy sort of way, all that was and now isn't.
I've had offers to go to concerts and shopping in the big city, but to what end I think? I can't walk a block without stopping short of breath and feeling like someone has my hips in a giant vice grip. Trekking through Costco yesterday was not only overwhelming with the people, it was a marathon without even going up and down every aisle! And to think 3 years ago I would walk 10-12 km without even thinking about it. For a very long time since I've been off work, I was simply soaking up the quiet solitude, until recently when I look forward and try to imagine what the future might hold. It's probably a good thing, meaning that I'm transitioning to a new place that while different, doesn't mean is going to be less than I had. Just different. The physical limitations are the most challenging - hardly, if any gardening, no hanging out of second story windows to clean and polish, definitely no snow clearing although that wouldn't have been anywhere near the top of my list of fun things to do! No massive undertakings of ripping rooms apart, moving furniture whether I really could or couldn't. I know, I know, you are probably thinking - so what's your point? None of those things sound like anything close to fun. No, but I guess I'd developed a half conscious lifestyle of being active physically vs. depending solely on going to the gym. I've long marvelled at how our generation move to houses without stairs, hire cleaning ladies, pay for outdoor work to be done and then pay for gym memberships that may or may not get used to try to stay in physical shape. Our ancestors sure didn't have to worry about exercise - I imagine women beating rugs, hanging out clothes, even washing clothes by hand, tending gardens for real, live food that ended up being canned and stored. It's quite amazing really.
I may actually get enough ahead of myself that I will roll out my 40 year old portable Singer sewing machine that I haven't had time for in a number of years as there are small projects that require someone to sit still for more than a few minutes to get anything done.
The other three sewing machines that were in my 'collection' have since been donated or given away in the 'spirit of poverty'. I mean really, if I don't have time or inclination to use one machine, why would I keep four?!
I was given an adult colouring book by a friend and have only but peeked into its inviting pages of designs patiently waiting to be given attention and marker or pencil crayon in hand. I have actually taken my first French lesson on the Rosetta Stone French language course I downloaded last September. It's much like Lumosity - if you've ever tried the brain stimulating web based program.
I felt quiet witty when I would joke with family and friends that I had purchased the French program and was now just waiting for classes to start!!!! Self study somehow doesn't work quite that way does it? There are lots of activities and things left undone for many years that can now be picked up a project at a time, put down, laid aside or not looked at again, depending on how one feels about the experience. It sure is nice to have lots and lots of options about what to do, get involved in, go to, or explore. Boredom?? Can't even begin to imagine!
Before I go, I'd like to tell you that our church held a welcoming reception for the Syrian family that we sponsored late last year. It was an hour and a half meet and greet that included many, many heartfelt expressions of thanks from the family through an interpreter that was almost magical in its effect on everyone there. The atmosphere in the church hall was sprinkled with droplets of gratitude, hope, joy, reverence, not to mention lots of smiles and laughter. I've never experienced anything quite like it despite the seemingly ordinariness of the event. Please take note that almost all of the pictures I post are simply from the broader internet but when I googled the Maree family from Syria, their actual photo was the first one to appear so here they are........
There is definitely something to be said for having such a direct line of sight to the possibilities of what can be done in response to an international plight of mammoth proportions. Not to mention that a couple of days later, I went to the Y for my daily walk in the pool only to have immediately behind me checking in, none other than the eldest son of our Syrian family. He too, was heading to the pool where we had an hour of laughter, wildly funny attempts at communication while trying to exchange English and Arabic words and phrases. It presented the opportunity to introduce Hussein to other Y members and share that most of us were immigrants The next day he was able to repeat names and countries of origin. What a sense of joy! He even brought his cellphone to proudly show me the selfie he took at the church event with me in the background!
In another week and a half, Lent will be upon us, the period that Catholics/ Christians observe in the weeks leading up to the most important time in the Christian year - that being Easter when we celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus after being crucified on Good Friday. Many, many people use this time of year to make an effort to change life habits whether to quit smoking, drinking, exercise more or even simply to pray more.
While it used to have much more of an avoidance or abstinent behaviour, there is a growing trend toward doing good for others. After all, that effort too, can contribute toward a positive change in an individual. And of course the most well known marketing tool also starts, coinciding with Ash Wednesday. Yup, Tim Hortons Roll Up the Rim contest to counteract people's potential inclination to give up coffee for Lent!
On a final note, I hope you don't mind me sharing the link to the YouTube video of my interview with my former employer, University Hospitals Kingston Foundation (UHKF) which was downloaded and made public on January 25th. I mentioned in my last post the reason I agreed to the video was in response to the Foundation profiling my personal experience as a donor last June by awarding me the Davies Award of Leadership in Philanthropy.
Since they chose to shine the light on my actions, i agreed to take it to the next step of sharing my personal views on charitable giving that, for the most part, I inherited from my Dad, who, by the way, was not wealthy by any means! A humorous outcome is when my son Matt learned of the video (from others, not even his mom!) he became a statistician of sorts, tracking the number of views and 'likes' and feeling quite proud of it. I guess there is something to the saying "Teach your children - and when necessary use words".
If you have the time and the inclination you can view the 7 minute video at:
Thank you for taking the time to share in my mental and emotional wanderings as we continue our Adventures in Prayer and Medicine. Until next time.........
Take care and God Bless,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".
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