A Reflection Back to 2012

Here I sit in the comfort of our 'tree house' as referred to by a good friend, enjoying the bright sunshine despite the otherwise frigid day.  Since we live on a ravine lot, the front of our property is at ground level, but the back drops off quite dramatically with three stories above ground level.  That means looking out to the back from the living room portrays a view where we are quite literally midway up the tree line hence the label of tree house.

Most early mornings are spent this way, in a relatively new routine established since I've been home, no longer rushing out to early commitments at work.  A great gift is the ability to wake up as nature peeks in and starts to rustle the brain, suggesting that daylight has arrived and it's time to crawl out from under the covers after a restful night.

Slowly making the way downstairs to put on the kettle for the ever present morning pot of tea, which, while steeping includes making a slice of peanut butter toast, complete with a daily dose of reading the Bible  The reading is to simply set the stage for a day that include much pondering of life, death, and our relationship with God while we are here on earth.  After a half hour or so of padding through this new, wonderful routine, I start to ponder what might be next which is always dictated by the energy level, something that is a major adjustment after having lived my life at meteoric speed, pushing through whatever level of fatigue might come my way.  It's interesting though, how in slowing down, it's sometimes easier to get things done especially since taking Mike's comments to heart about not starting any new projects while others remain unfinished.

These days, it's a real gift to pour my last cup of tea - after all only one pot - only to sit and ponder what I might do for the day.

 Having said that, I've also observed a form of routine starting to develop which includes Mass at 8:30 twice a week, after which it makes perfect sense to head to the pool for my hour and a half walking routine.  The time flies by while performing my little routine developed by a friend of mine who is an aquatic instructor.  So far, I have not gotten past the habit of making lists of things that I'd like to get done, but the comforting part is they are not nearly as onerous activities as they once were.  Permission granted to simply sit and read for a time, in a way that I observed growing up.  My dad, who was a voracious reader, would sit quietly reading for a time, I'm going to guess perhaps a chapter or two at a time, then gently put the book aside and do other things.  In reading Michael Singer's book, The Untethered Soul, I did just that and found it to be a hugely rewarding experience.  I read a chapter, put the book down, let the content absorb into my system as I went about puttering in getting minor tasks done.  By mid day, there was an overriding sense of accomplishment as I was able to accomplish many things on my mental and written lists.

 It wasn't one thing at the expense of another, like only reading and doing nothing or doing many things while resenting the fact I didn't 'have time' to sit and read for a while.

I found a piece of writing in my prayer journal dated November 2012 which I've kept for one reason or another so thought I might as well record it as part of a post to become part of the more permanent story of my adventures.  It was at a time when I was going through radiation.  It starts with a particular habit and interest of mine - seeing patterns in numbers - never sure whether they mean anything or not or whether they symbolize some sort of divine message!

Writing dated November 25, 2012:

My birthdate is November 23, 1956, meaning my birth month is 11.
My birth year of (19)56 when added together is 11.
My age in 2012 was 56 when added together is also 11.
When you add the three 11's together it results in 33.  My last radiation treatment happened to be on my birthday with a total of 33 treatments.   Jesus lived to be 33 years old.  I don't know what, if anything that means, I just leave it out there.

At the time (of this writing) I was taking a course through the church called Dogmatic Theology that included a retreat on November 24, 2012.  'What a perfect way to start my new birth year - building my relationship with Jesus.'  So often I have an empty spot in my heart (soul) that i know no earthly being can fill.  Have I become increasingly busy to fill that gap or to ignore that it's there?

'They say' as humans there is a part of us that only God can fill and I suppose as perfect as life can be here, we need to spend time each day in the presence of God as that is the only means by which we can become content while here on earth.

In our course, the last segment suggested that we do start our eternal life while still alive.  As I ponder that concept I think 'won't it make the ultimate transition so much easier? (smoother?)'

I know this 'time out' that God has given me is a sacred opportunity for me to truly discern and learn how He'd like me to live my life.  Drastic change, big change, shedding the facade of the public persona of the Liz Dobbs Jones 'out there' who has lived and worked the last 20+ years doing what others asked - by invitation no less and made every effort to do whatever asked.

When I started working full time at age 20 after graduating from community college, I had no aspirations to ever become a bank manager - my sense of self was that I was best suited to be an assistant.

Imagine how others may have viewed that self image when as a part time employee at the restaurant at Zellers, I was made manager of the department for the summer at age 17,

 only to learn later that company policy precluded such appointments before age 21.  By 21 I was an assistant manager at Bank of Montreal.

Even at that time I remember my Dad expressing his concern that I would 'burn out' while working 40-50 hour weeks.  As I look back, that was an age when I didn't know I couldn't do something.  That, within the confines of not being permitted to even attempt many physical activities like water skiing or working construction.

While at the bank, the 'Advancement of Women' initiative became a big thing and in Eastern Ontario there were very few, if any women at my level of management, at my age, which was less than 35 at the time.

 The push was on for me to accept more senior positions of which I declined one in particular but in the meantime became involved in the community.  Through this involvement I was introduced to volunteer work at the hospital, which in turn, led to my ultimate transition to a role as fundraiser with the hospital foundation.

This new role, while richly rewarding had taken its own toll because of my difficulty in setting boundaries.  Maybe I care too much but I cannot single handedly care for every donor who is open to a greater relationship with the Foundation.  There are ways to accomplish that relationship without the personal face to face, one on one contact.  After all, even Jesus didn't heal everyone or try to absolve everyone who sought him out for forgiveness and healing.

Keeping that image in my mind and heart will help as I continue to unplug myself from the grid of this secular world and start to accept myself for who I truly am, and become open to God's will for the rest of my life.  I know in my heart it includes a simple way of life embracing family, the church and those in spiritual need.

Yesterday (this being in 2012), I shared with the group (from the course at church) that the greatest gift my mother gave me as a result of her conscious and deliberate decision to leave when I was but five years old, was the ability to build relationships with mature women.

 There must be some sense of the longing of my inner child for the nurturing by a mother figure. (note: I may have written about this in a previous post; it comes up as a recurring theme when unpacking events in my life that has had a significant impact).

I know I need to drastically change my outer life in order to save my life.  May God give me the courage, strength and guidance to do so in Jesus' name.  Amen for the day.

End of Writing of November, 2012...

Interestingly, with this writing being dated November 25, 2012, I had no idea of the upcoming adventures in Prayer and Medicine in 2013.  I still hadn't gone through chemo, and certainly had no idea of the fracture in my spine I was to experience, nor the further diagnosis of cancer cells in my liver, the treatment of which would alter my physical experience, appearance and total lifestyle.

Thank goodness we can't see what is beyond the horizon, or even what might be around the next bend in the road of life.  As I practice the suggestions laid out in 'The Untethered Soul', my efforts are centred around letting life's experiences flow 'through me' as I observe what life is bringing my way on a daily basis.  The more I practice, the better I will get at not being snagged by everyday issues that are of no consequence in the big picture of life.

 I envision a much smoother path rather than the road filled with potholes that I have created by reacting to every little issue that comes my way.

The next post will be written from the sunny south as we head out on February 11th to visit friends, Martha and Denis in Fort Myers, Florida.  Until then, take care and God Bless,

Liz
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".