An 'Inside' Look at the Start of a New Year

As another day melts away, almost in keeping with the January thaw, I find myself going with the flow without adhering to any hard deadlines as it relates to sitting down and writing this post.

The past week has been one that I consider busy within my new framework of life  with one or more commitments each day on top of my weekday pool walking.

Here I am though, Sunday afternoon feeling that old pull of meeting a self imposed timeframe to get something posted for whoever might have the inclination to read what seems come through me rather than from me.

On the health and medical front which is what I've promised to address first for those people who have interest but not a lot of capacity to have to wade through my thoughts to find out what's going on, here it is.  On January 3rd I had a regular monthly appointment with my family doc and was thrilled to hear that I was actually down half a pound since the beginning of December!  Since my weight started to level out late summer, we agreed my efforts were to be more in the area of not gaining vs. trying to lose pounds.

 'Maggie' still comes in at a healthy 6-7 year old size or just about 75 pounds.  All in all though she's doing her job of keeping the cells from growing in my liver which is as much as anyone could ask of her (my added weight is named Maggie after my medication known as Megace).

We reviewed the bloodwork again that had been done early December and while there were a couple of markers rated 'hi', they were not of concern in the bigger picture.  My doc's view is that 'other than this cancer thing', I'm actually in very good health.

On January 13th I had a regular appointment with my oncologist which could typically be either Dr. Peter Bryson or Dr. Vickie Martin.  This time it was Vickie who, when entering an exam room, looks deceivingly unlike the highly qualified gyney oncologist, teaching medical students, caring for, at times, gravely ill patients and conducting research.  Her hair this time is a bright red unlike any natural hair colour you may have seen.  She is dressed like a fashion plate and the clickety clack of her shoes can be heard down the hall.  Yet her professionalism and sincerity shine through like a rainbow on a misty morning after a spring shower.  As I've told other physicians overseeing my care, I believe that God works through them and all I have to do is trust that they are carrying out His plans according to the path of my life.  I have absolutely no interest in second guessing or driving myself internet research crazy trying to be more informed than the specialists looking after me.

We did discuss 'next steps' and whether a cat scan was in order to determine the current status of my situation and the lesions making their home in my liver.

Given that I feel well, my bloodwork is normal, I have no symptoms of anything 'sinister' (as my former family doctor liked to describe things), being a minimalist, Dr. Martin does not suggest ordering a cat scan at this time.  In an otherwise healthy person, one would not order a cat scan just to see if something is there, unless the individual was having symptoms of one kind or another.  If you take that approach and apply it to my case, it's the same thing.  I am relatively healthy and have no symptoms so I will continue to live my life with a follow up appointment in April.  Needless to say, as we previously agreed, should I feel unwell for two weeks, I am to contact the office and decide where we go from there.

Oh, and the 'itch of the extremities' - sounds like a movie or tv sitcom - no one had any real concern especially since the Claritin is providing the necessary relief.  So much for searching the internet and fixating on liver dysfunction and working myself into a frenzy of fear at what might be!

At this point I would have to say that my greatest challenge is the sea of fatigue that I find myself in on a fairly regular basis.  Much like the tide coming in and going out, so does my energy ebb and flow without any real pattern.  Of course filling one's day with activity can leave the healthiest person worn out.  I guess having increased my daily pool walking to an hour and a half at a time, while very good for me, can also leave me tired out.  Ya think?!

As a bit of a New Year's cleanse, we decided to join the growing trend of individuals who give up their much loved cocktails during the month of January.

We know it won't extend past mid February so a little break now is good for the liver even though I have permission to enjoy my glass of wine.  We've booked flights to Florida to visit our friends Martha and Denis as we have for a few years now and hope to enjoy the warmth and sunshine during what is typically the coldest month of our northern winters. And yes, we will enjoy ourselves!

In my last post I talked about Mike's helpful suggestion to quite taking on new projects and finish some of those that remain in some form of work in progress.  In my mind that includes reading some of the many books that look so interesting or were suggested by someone or I read about in the paper, may have ordered and there they sit, neatly piled or not so neatly but waiting to have their spines cracked for the first time.  Ouch, that's a reminder of a more difficult time! The cracked spine that is!

One such book is 'The Untethered Soul' by Michael Singer, recommended by Whig columnist Tom Harpur.  So far I'm up to Chapter 13 of 18 and find it a refreshing read about a subject that we have all heard and likely read about many times over the course of our lives.

 It's about our inner lives, our inner voices that I sometimes call the 'mind monkeys' and the peace that we all so continuously strive for but so seldom achieve.  An excerpt from the back cover, "Whether this is your first exploration of inner space or you've devoted your life to the inward journey, this book will transform your relationship with yourself and the world around you."

As a result of reading this book, I plan to explore an insight that came to me while reflecting on the content thus far.  Without giving you all the background detail, you can enjoy reading the book if you so wish, I ponder the effect that our energy has on those around us.  Have you ever met people who almost physically emit an aura of energy, either positive or negative?

 I can tell you that I am one of those individuals, hence the ability to create enthusiasm, stir up excitement and interest in pretty much whatever might be going on at the time.  While it might sound like a very positive trait, I'm more focused on the shadow side of that ability which can be just as impactful but in a far less flattering way.  When such individuals become agitated, anxious and stressed out about life, the negative vibes can disrupt an otherwise peaceful and calm atmosphere around them.

I recall one such time, at least 15+ years ago, on a Friday evening simply sitting and watching tv at home when my husband Rick, from across the room brought it to my attention.  He simply said, without previous conversation, "Would you stop that!  I can feel it over here".  I didn't need to ask what I needed to stop as I'd been wound up about one thing or another and was clearly emitting an aura of energy that was reflective of my inner turmoil.  I've often experienced similar reactions from Mike when I've been high strung over one thing or another that should never have such dominance in my life.

What does this all mean then?

Well, I'm reflecting on whether everyone, or perhaps, those with that heightened aura, have an added responsibility to work at remaining positive, holding the light and allowing it to shine on those around them.  There are people who very naturally are, or appear to be, just very nice all the time.  I guess though, I'm not really talking about them.  There can be very nice people who don't necessarily have the impact on those around them that I'm referring to and hence it's not just nice people or nasty people.  It's more about becoming better acquainted with ourselves so we can better coexist with our 'inner roommate' as Michael Singer calls our inner being.  By the way, as I've been reading, more and more people's names come to mind as to who I would love to buy a copy of the book, but no, that will then become a project and I'm not taking any on right now thank you very much.   Besides it's SO easy to order through Amazon that anyone who owns a computer can take advantage without leaving the couch!

Needless to say I've spent quite a bit of time in the past couple of weeks, in my own mind and heart, contemplating all sorts of concepts and ideas that might help me grow both emotionally and spiritually.  It seems to have connected to my soul as well because I've experienced a growing sense of being cushioned in the palm of God's hand with softness and warmth surrounding me.

A few conversations of late have come around to how I spend my time now that retirement has become a reality.  I am becoming more and more confident to simply say, 'however I choose' with of course family being the top priority especially as I have to become selfish with my level of physical energy.  One of the true benefits of my current situation is the realization that if I hadn't gotten sick, I would still be running around like a crazy woman, feeling the need to be involved with everything everywhere and losing sight of the some of the most important aspects of my own life.  There have been many times I felt that I lost myself in the midst of all the doing.  Now, with the slower pace of life, sometimes it's in the slowness that you can be deliberate in the steps you choose to take to influence the world around you.

Even today though, the best laid plans can go awry with my full intention to sit quietly this morning and allow the Holy Spirit to write through me to get out whatever message is to be read.  Well, after looking after little Ella all day yesterday, it was only with a struggle that I crawled out of bed at 10:30 this morning knowing full well that going to mass at noon would leave precious little time to get the fingers primed for dictation!  Oh well, then this afternoon surely there will be plenty of time but oh no, it was this errand and that unplanned stop along with getting together with Matt and Ella so he could drive her back to Cornwall.

Alright, we'll get serious and behave like many journalists having to meet daily newscasts with creative imagery and there will be no problem - it all comes out in the end.  But oh no, prepare dinner - with lots of help from Mike- in between the season ending football games.  Now, sit down at the computer, with a half written post with plans to get it done before dinner.  Oh but the phone rings and I see the caller ID as Ella's mother.  Of course my throat tightens with images of every possible catastrophe making it almost impossible to answer the phone.  But who is on the other end of the line but Ella having told her mom that she wanted to 'call Grandma'.

That is what my life is all about now.  The pure joy of having sufficient positive influence on a three year old to have them want to call and speak to me only a short time after getting home.  It's about six year old Ayden giving me his restaurant placemat last night after dinner having quietly spent his time drawing all sorts of creative images while waiting for his meal.  It's about four year old Azlyn saying 'It's difficult to say grace when there are two grandmas and two grandpas here' and that she'd rather just point at us rather than call us by name as she thanks God for us in her life.  It's about caring for 4 month old Matilda while Mommy has a massage that was a gift for her birthday.  It's about twelve year old Rylee and fourteen year old Emily asking when we might be coming their way (Cambridge) to spend some time together.  It's about one year old Lauren who made the trip with Mommy and Daddy to visit us in Kingston and now patiently waiting for the arrival of her sister at the end of April.  I won't even attempt to give you the biological family tree right now.  Our blended family is what I affectionately call 'Western civilization's version of "It takes a community to raise a child" '.

And you know what else?  I remember when becoming a grandparent was so far off it may as well have been in another time zone and felt the low grade nausea when people would go on and on about their grandkids.  In reality, it's one of those experiences that you really don't 'get' until you 'get there'.  My Dad once said that looking into the eyes of his grandchild was like looking into eternity.

These past couple of weeks have also brought to our lives, tragedy and suffering of others whom we know well and care for deeply.  In one case it was allowing a dear friend to 'talk themselves out' since distance didn't allow us to get in the car and drive over.  I choose not to go into the details of these events today but rather to keep adding those families and individuals to my prayer journal and include them in my daily prayers.  I also choose not to address the tragedy in the world around us at this time as I believe in some ways, we have been overwhelmed by the media coverage of the events.

We are so fortunate to have so many people in our lives, family, friends, those near and those far who would do just about anything for us in our times of need.  While helping and doing for others is a fundamental plank in our foundation of values, I'm  learning it does not have to be at the expense of our own self care.  We are not meant to live our lives as martyrs in the name of the greater good.  It's not going to 'buy our ticket to heaven' nor is it going to have the intended outcome we so desperately desire at times when we feel less than whole by just being ourselves.  For today, I suggest we all just try to be accepting of ourselves as we are and be open to whatever life brings our way knowing that our faith in something greater is always there to provide comfort.  Remember, God is always right.  (or whoever/whatever your greater being might be.....)

Take care and until next time,
God Bless,

Liz
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".