Medical Mind Shifting

Can it be that I've only had one medical appointment since my last post?  I have a much greater appreciation now for the people I contacted while working, many elderly, who said they were having a very busy time and unable to meet with me for 'a while'.  It's likely their calendars were booked with appointments for medical reasons of all types! Imagine those poor souls who have multiple conditions and attend a number of specialists who deal with specific illnesses.  The mental gymnastics of keeping up with it all causes me fatigue simply writing about it.  No wonder there are mixups with times, dates and even, God forbid, medications. But I digress.

About 2-3 weeks  after completing treatment I started getting achey and sore in all my major joints.  Starting at the ankles and then without any real pattern, simply moving into knees, elbows, shoulders and anywhere in between that could possibly become stiff.  I joked with Mike that I was turning into the Tin Man and required some much needed oil!  It turns out that my intuition was not far off the mark given that joint pain is a side effect of the type of drugs used in my case.  Why now and not before you might ask?  During the 5 months of chemo treatment, one of three pre-drugs, to offset side effects was a steroid used to prevent joint pain. Now that I'm through with chemo, no more steroids to make me not feel the pain, nor to wind me up like the energizer bunny.  Hence the residual pain.  The question I failed to ask was how long I can expect this achey pain to continue.  These last few weeks are an example that I would use to describe actual side effects affecting my daily activities.  I say it rather lightly given the fun we've had in the meantime.  Remember, life is what happens 'in the meantime'.

What now?  What's next?  When do they do more tests or scans?  Though inconclusive, pretty easy to answer.  Nothing right now given that I don't have any symptoms to investigate.  Next appointment with oncologists is early October for follow up and review of condition.  Tests or scans to be done as symptoms arise, or, if I determine I can't live without them.  It's the last line which planted a seed in my brain, and fortunately for me, grew like a weed.   Had I insisted on tests and scans, what would be done with the results?  If you had a chance to read my last post about the proposed bone scan, the answer is simple - nothing.  Until such time as I start to experience consistent, ongoing symptoms, there really is no reason to consider treatment.  After all, we are at the real place of having deemed me medically incurable, meaning interim intervention may not improve much, and, in fact, decrease my quality of life.  In case I'm not clear in my explanation, consider this;  I have a sudden heart attack, everything is done to save my life and I recover.  The medical prognosis is that while I was saved this time, nothing can be done to prevent another attack. During and after recovery, I can resume my normal lifestyle knowing full well, another whack to the ticker could be the end of me.  What do I do?  Do I spend every day fretting and dithering about what could happen?  Or do I draw a line in the sand and decide, this is it, it's how it's going to be, and I'm going to live my life to the fullest within my limitations?  This is the medical mind shift I've made in my own case.  It's really quite amazing how much of a weight has lifted from my shoulders.  Thank goodness given I have enough aches without the added 'what if', burden!

As I allow the flow of words to continue, while gazing out the large window, I see many blue jays flitting here and there, always in pairs, ready for another day of life.  Seeing these squawky feathered friends is a gentle reminder of my Dad who left us 12 years ago in October.  Of course, I don't believe he is a blue jay, although the thought is sort of funny.  I do believe it may be his way of letting me know he is around and providing comfort and reassurance in a tangible way.  It does.

Something else that has contributed to the medical mind shift is having watched a move recently on Netflix called '90 Minutes in Heaven'.  Based on a true story and book written by Don Piper, about his experience of being killed in a car wreck, being revived and resuscitated, knowing he'd been to heaven and back.  I've read several books with a similar theme which in some way have offered encouragement and hope but why does it feel like this story has had more impact?  Like so many things, it seems to run like a thread through life that when the student is ready, the teacher appears.  Perhaps it's caused me to reflect in a deeper way about what I may be afraid of in the experience of dying.  One consistent message in all such stories is how the matters of earthly life are almost instantly discarded with no fear and no concern for those left behind.  As I peel away the layers of my own fear, much of it is grounded in how I may miss those I leave behind.  Hopefully my time now is being invested wisely by helping to be open and transparent about the reality of my situation, allowing those around me to adjust and accept what is likely to happen.  That likelihood is my ticket for the adventure into the great beyond may well come up much earlier than theirs.  The combination of these recent events and observations has provided a new level of calm and peacefulness into daily life.

One of my learnings through all of these adventures has been to practice simply remaining open to what is coming my way.  To practice allowing the plan to unfold, instead of constantly running ahead of life in an effort to have things happen the way I think they should (notice I didn't say want). Many of us have a natural tendency to think and feel we are responsible for everything that happens around us. Any deviation become a major calamity and reflection of our inability to affect the outcomes.  Doesn't it wear you out just reading about this senseless effort?  If I had only had this revelation about 30 years ago instead of living life feeling like Nik Wallenda, one of the Flying Wallendas, balancing on a high wire above Niagara Falls.  Although he did it with the utmost calm and relentless trust in God that all would be well.  Aha, another idea to make me go 'Hmmmm'.  Where do people get such ideas with the ability to carry them out with such sense of purpose?

I noticed in conversations, especially about retirement, how we all need a reason to get up every day.  All that given Mike will be going back to work for 2 weeks on Monday then retiring at the end of September.  Needless to say I went immediately into analysis mode to reflect on what my purpose is as I get up each day.  In a matter of minutes, maybe seconds, the answer came and absorbed my entire being.  Very simply, it was to love and serve God!  Oh ya, for all the reading I've been doing, hasn't that been the consistent message to me over these past 4 years?  In those moments when I'm not sure what to do next, all I have to do, is to be.  Spend a little time reflecting on the beauty of nature, stopping and smelling the roses - yes, another cliche, known to be true - or simply being thankful for all that we are blessed with during our time on earth.  Now I know many people have their own beliefs and God may not be among them, so to those folks, you likely have another similar intention to follow.  I'm learning we just don't need to over complicate every single thing coming our way.  The change can be a little uncomfortable and even unnerving but the practice time is well worth it.  One great example was having time recently to spend time gathering tiny apples from the trees behind our house and having the grandkids delightfully throw them into the creek.  What better way to spend time without any niggling thoughts about what else we may feel obligated to do.  an example of heaven on earth to be sure.

Today is shaping up to be another busy day which is totally acceptable as I balance rest with activity. In fact, my newest response to the kind people who ask how I'm doing is to say "Stiff and sore, but praying and playing every day!"

And on that note I best sign off and get ready for the fun.  Hope you're well and wishing you health and peace.
Until next time,
Hugs,
Liz

dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers wrapped in faith and sent with love are the greatest gifts we can receive."