I tried looking up the literary term for the title of this post but could only find poetic fallacy, in my minuscule search that is, which gives human emotion to non human things like the wind, clouds, weather. I was looking for one that fit my situation for the past two weeks at least, or more like the entire month of April.
Remember the days when people talked about the cure being worse than the disease when it came to cancer.? A dear friend of mine, who has gone through at least as many adventures, and I dare say even more than I, once told me that if a recurrence of cancer were to occur, it's very unlikely they would go through the treatment. That being said, it's several years now and the management of side effects has moved forward into the sphere of, in many cases, cancer being a chronic disease that can be managed for unpredictable lengths of time, but managed it can be. The medical goal is to allow individuals to have a reasonable quality of life while dealing with their illness. As the doc said today - I'm paraphrasing, "If we're giving people chemo and all they're able to do is lay around on the couch and not do anything, we should question whether they should be getting chemo". That's brings me up to the latest, current update which includes today, May 3rd.
Ever since my sleepover at KGH, I'd been on hydromorphone. I always thought it was a mispronouncement of morphine and thought it a little funny. Well, was I wrong! You likely know this already, it's a narcotic that has the strength of 5x morphine! No wonder it has a funny sounding name. I'm mixed up in my recent dates but at some time, I think March, I was put on a more regular dosage. I could look up a previous post to be more accurate but you might still be waiting another two weeks if I take the time to do that right now. Anyway, it was 6 mg twice a day, morning and night with allowance for breakthrough up to 2 additional mg as needed. Well, take that number and do the math - even I can - 6 x 5 is 30 x twice a day is 60mg a day, plus more if I needed it when equated to the strength of morphine! No wonder I'd been feeling snowed under. Unsteady on my feet, and all the other side effects I've commented on before. Well it was only a short time until I weaned myself front the 12mg per day and replaced with only 3mg in the morning and last week dumped the 3mg. Intuition told me on Friday which is usually a good day, that I may have gotten myself into a bit of a jam. I could barely get to the couch. only to be followed by a visit from a dear friend from out of town and all I could do was visit in a reclining position. The nice part of that is she'd been a VON nurse for 40 years so I was treated like a pampered patient rather than a disappointed friend. Flowers in hand to plant outside followed by flying to the grocery store and drug store to pick up fruit, PC version of Ensure and Protein powder while insisting that I rest. We ended up having a lovely time despite the inability to zip around like we would normally do.
The rest of the weekend is a blur of flipping side to side on the couch, alternating between hot sweats and cold reaction to the dampness. It was like being a pig at a pig roast that refused to get cooked. Around and around with no positive outcome. This followed by sleep most of Saturday and Sunday, all the time running through my mind, 'get liquid in, get up and move around, one day in bed equates to a week of recovery,' over and over in my mind. Imagine how desperate I must have felt when at one point I thought, 'oh if only I could get up and do the dishes', or 'oh, if only I could get up and respond to emails', or 'oh if only I could do some paper work.' It wasn't the specific activities that I craved but rather just a little bit of normalcy. Reading wasn't even an option. The good news in all of this is that the CA125 or tumour marker is down to 165 from an original high of 1064 (I thought it started at 1042). While only a piece of the puzzle, it means the chemo is working which is way better than being sombrely advised that I'm sorry it's not working, there's not much we can do.
Today when going for bloodwork in preparation for chemo tomorrow, rather than a quick in and out, as a result of emailing the nurse practitioner yesterday, having her call and discuss my situation by phone, it was a spa day at KGH. Chemo for tomorrow cancelled, hook up on IV for a litre of saline to replace the loss of hydration, IV anti nausea and IV steroid, all of which has plumped me back up from feeling like a whale on the beach drying out and shrivelling up, to a more buoyant, suave orca prepared to take the sea by storm. Hah, well a little exaggeration is in order. We laughed with the nurses that couldn't have been more caring and cheerful. We agreed that no matter the situation they are facing in treating patients, they know every day they come in that they've done the very best they can for others and helped in some small way. Thank God for all members of the medical team.
Hopefully now you better understand why my post is this late.
I've decided as well that I currently can't fit blog school into my schedule. Besides, after being chastised for using a google image without permission or giving credit (because of my own ignorance of knowing how to do so), I've decided it's not about the pictures. People don't typically buy books for the pictures but rather for the words; for now that will be my choice of message delivery.
After a discussion with friends and sitting down with Mike, we've agreed that I have a new job that is truly 24/7. It is being the Adventurer in Prayer and Medicine as noted on my business cards and my Linked In profile. If I thought my previous careers were full time plus, this well exceeds those realities. I am now first and foremost in charge of managing my health with it being the first priority when it comes to making certain decisions. As always, God and family come first, but now I look to them for much greater support and understanding than ever before. If day to day chores I used to do don't get done, it doesn't matter. Thank goodness Mike has always been a domestic strongman - after all I can't call him a diva and he does much more than his share around the house. We do laugh a lot when it comes to cooking though as he asks step by step how I want things done, even to the point of bringing a pot with peeled potatoes over to see if there are enough, too cute! What I can tell you, by declaring that my health is my job seems to have created a paradigm shift allowing me to look at the whole situation in a clearer light with little to no guilt filtering through.
On April 21st a friend and I attended a day retreat at Providence Spirituality Centre on Princess St. One may not realize that even though it's the Motherhouse for the Catholic Sisters of Providence Order, they also have, in the same building, a non denominational Spirituality Centre that offers a number of inspiring day, weekend and week long retreats. This one was on Cultivating the Inner Garden, which at first seemed fairly straightforward. What was profound to me was taking the personal time of reflection seriously and meditating on my goal for the day which centred on the small, daily efforts I can make at evangelization. Not in some bible thumping way, but rather almost as casual conversation. Not in asking people or trying to convert them to something different, but rather daring to enter into a discussion around spirituality after we've talked about the weather. Not trying to question people's beliefs or values, but rather exploring their inner thoughts and feelings without being intrusive.
When I started meditating and imagining what my inner garden would look like, an image of a cross came to mind, representing the resurrection of Jesus. In my own faith of course, the greatest feast of the year is Easter. From there I imagined morning glories growing up and around the cross, spiralling up and cascading to bring hope of a new day. It has remained so strong in my mind and heart, I'm anxious to get outside to find a spot to actually create such an image in our own yard. I've always marvelled at how individuals, few and very far between, have such strong faith that they actually erect a cross in their yard. We know of a family who live on the shores of a peaceful river, with a bridge not far down from their home. There is a huge cross on their property which they light up at Christmas for all to see, even well visible from the bridge. What I marvel at is their ability to put their faith out there without pretension or false pride but rather a quiet and modest statement without the need for words.
I'd like to leave you this time with a thought, that, once again, is not rocket science but still has created a profound sense of hope and ability in my world as it continues to shrink from its previous size. I've long wished I could have the qualities of the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz (my favourite movie of all time), even though I really thought the Scarecrow was my kind of sort of goofy guy. What I mean is that I've always in my heart wanted to be a 'good deed doer' and I suppose if I reflect back, probably have shown hints of it here and there in my life. What has come clear to me though is that you don't have to be a millionaire, or billionaire to accomplish good things. For many years I thought that if I was independently wealthy, my profession would be that of a good deed doer. Hello!!! It's only finally sunk in, I don't need to be wealthy, but rather have the right intention in my heart. No need to be a martyr, but lots of good is possible with no matter how much we have. And, as Dorothy said, 'there's no place like home', and all I have to do is look at the generosity of my own father, who, with limited means was able to do so much good. This last paragraph in my opinion is one of those concepts that 'you don't get until you get it'. Another paradigm shift leading me further down the path of peace regardless of what daily life will put my way. If I'm willing, God's leading and that's good enough for me.
Until next time, take care and God Bless,
Lots of Hugs,
Liz
dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers sent with faith and wrapped in love are the greatest gifts we can receive"
No comments:
Post a Comment
Please feel free to submit a comment about my posts.