I'm Late, I'm Late for a Very Important Date

Given the activity and events of the last few days, I knew I would likely be a little late in publishing this update.  Thank you for your patience.

First observation going into this post is know your own body, pay attention to it, especially when it mumbles and grumbles in reaction to your treatment of it.  Is it only as we grow older that we start to hear the grizzly bear like growls when we try to behave like 20 year old Olympians?

  If so, it's a funny dichotomy that we can hear the resistance of our organs, and joints, and muscles but we can't hear what someone across the table is saying.

The other observation is that in today's world, we truly need to be our own advocate when it comes to our health or recruit the most tenacious person you know to lead the way through the maze of what can sometimes seem like medical mayhem.  Fortunately for me, the path has been comforting in that my GP, or Coach, is highly attuned to my situation and more than willing to manage the primary care not requiring a specialist's intervention.  

My oncologist, is also amazingly competent and fully collaborative, encouraging me to make the final decisions when it comes to next steps and ongoing management of my illness.  That's not to say wishy washy like a warm pool of stagnant water.

Oh no, it's rock solid like the waves of the Atlantic crashing into the Newfoundland shores, which is where she happens to have been born and raised.  There are some decisions that she asserts with a full list of substantiating reasons leaving no room for confusion or questions - they've all been answered  before asked. I will share a case in point a little later.

If you're on my email list you would have received a couple of updates this week which intercepted timely posting on my blog, and no, it was not the Grey Cup's post game influence.

On Monday, November 30th I went for a cat scan, not having had one since May 9, 2014.  As I said to people, I rode the wave of that positive report for a year and a half until a clot blocked our continued progression.

Fortunately for me (thank God) I had the follow up appointment with my oncologist the next day, Tuesday, December 1st to review the results.

Through most of this time I felt that I had remained surprisingly calm and prepared for whatever message was to be delivered, whether a past due notice that my expiry date had actually come and gone, or notice that I had won the sweepstakes with much to look forward to in the future.

The initial pop in the door was "Nothing horrific, no new cancer, I'll be back", followed by a 45 minute wait while she dealt with other cases, clearly needing more immediate care than mine.  Ok, so no apparent overdue notice, that's worth getting up and doing a happy dance.

On her return, we learned about the other complicating factors which, while serious, don't seem to cause nearly the desperate reaction that a 'spreading of your disease and where do we go from here' would have.  

Act two started off with 'you've got a blood clot in your lung' but since you're on the blood thinners, it's being treated.  No wonder my shortness of breath has accelerated over the past few weeks.  Then the disclosure that there is in fact a large mass in my liver that wasn't there in the past.  Oh great, what does that mean?  After reviewing the scan with 3 highly skilled interventional radiologists, it was determined that it's likely a sack of blood (reason for my drop in hemoglobin?????), and if so, it's already being treated by being on blood thinners or an abscess. Huh?  

The reason cancer was not on the list of probable culprits is that the long residing 'squatters' in my liver had actually further reduced in size therefore taking up less real estate in my vitally important organ, as much as 30-50% reduction.  

Okay, deep breath, translation and interpretation please of this foreign language description of what's going on.

One option is to do nothing which seems to almost be a preferred choice - I think I need more details on why - other than that with every intervention there is risk and depending on what is found, what do we do with the information?  

Another option is to have a biopsy type intervention where a needle is inserted into the mass to determine what is in fact incapsulated.  If blood, the body will reabsorb as the blood thinners continue their important job of allowing the body to deal with the cleanup work.  If an abscess, it would be drained and although I'm not sure, maybe put on antibiotics.

One of the reasons for a leaning toward the sack of blood is that I am not displaying any other symptoms of an infection.  No fever, no flu like aching - just regular day to day aches and pains.

I'm learning why my oncologist is a minimalist and that every action has a reaction.  The procedure described here, while sounding simple is not exactly so.  It would require in hospital stay with IV replacing blood thinners during exploration and while we didn't get into further details - it was way too much information for one day - I wonder about the risk associated with all this given clots in my lungs now.  And so, the adventure continues.

My physical activity continues to be diminished and I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I will have to limit my exercise to the pool.  Quite frankly, I believe that my natural 'A' type personality combined with the attitude that if a little helps, a lot should really help has contributed to this latest free fall into a new and unfamiliar rabbit hole.

In conversation, we've agreed (whoever I may have had the conversation with) that when well, or when not afflicted with any particular ailment, directly or indirectly, we don't pay attention nor go investigating the causes, symptoms, risks or reactions to illness.  I certainly know I didn't and even now, to keep my imagination under some sort of manageable control, I've been putting 'parental locks' on the internet as a self imposed block. It keeps me from reading things I don't need to  know and have them thrown into my imagination's vortex that takes a seemingly innocuous statement or comment and twists it into an earth shattering, cataclysmic possibility.  This has nothing to do with my end date which I still firmly believe is etched somewhere in God's universe and I'm fully accepting of.  No, it's all about the quality of my journey to that end.  After all, I believe it's our personal choices and decisions that affect the quality of that journey and so it's much easier to understand yourself to have a better time along the way.

Just a comment on the mass email I sent out asking for prayers, white light (possibly of the Holy Spirit) and positive thoughts to be sent my way on the date of the cat scan.

My stepson Gabe showed me a relatively simple way of sending out such an email and while my preference would be to set up group accounts for various things, this did the job nicely at least this time.  It's amazing how many people responded.  So many, that I hadn't been able to respond back with thanks as I sent out the update very early yesterday and now have all those folks to get back to.  After all, if someone is going to take the time to send a message, the least I can hopefully do (although if I've missed anyone, my sincere apologies) is to say thanks.

As I've shared with some of you, it's truly the power of that virtual community of faith, hope and love that provides the support when faced with potentially life altering events.  Many of the people who wrote, I haven't had the chance to connect with in months and maybe even years and so it's been so heartwarming to hear from some of them.

While it took some effort to reach out, I wonder if the resulting flow of positive energy has not in fact had a healing effect on everyone who participated.  It feels like a gently flowing aura that reaches us all and bathes us in the light of God or whoever/whatever your higher power might be.  I continue to be fascinated by the results of opening up to the power of the universe and the surprises that come our way if and as we allow them.

I wish to send out a sincere note of thanks and gratitude to all of you for taking the time to read these posts - your interest is what makes it all worthwhile.
Best wishes as you prepare for the upcoming holiday season, Christmas if I may, it's going to be an interesting one at our end this year.  No running around or marathon shopping so we'll see how we end up at the end of it all.
Take care, take time for you and until next time,
Lots of love and hugs,
Liz

dobbsjones@gmail.com
"Prayers sent in faith and wrapped with love are the greatest gifts we can receive".